Am I crossdresser or truly transgendered

[Karenxd_melb]

Hi all. First time on to the site so besides saying hi thought I would pose a question. I have been crossdressing since I was about 10 and Im now 51. Over the last 5years I have got to the point where I dress every day the moment I walk in from work. I am beginning to think I might be truly transgendered. I would like nothing more than to simpoly exist in the world as the woman I know I am. Will I ever have the courage? Anyone else have the same experience?

[Cherry Lynn]

I can relate to your feelings.

[ReineD]

A CDer is transgender. "Trans" = to cross, or go beyond. "Gender" = birth gender.

A birth male who is solid in his male identity does not wish to put on feminine clothing, unless it is purely for fetishistic/sexual relief, in which case he will want to take the clothes off immediately afterwards. I would define such a person as a transvectic fetishist and not a crossdresser (in the sense that the term is used in this forum) nor transgender, since there is nothing internal that identifies as being feminine.

Many CDers, like my SO, identify as dualgender. Or, the term "crossdresser" is a generally accepted term for the same thing (although the term itself is misleading since it implies it is strictly about the clothes when we all know that it is not). Anyway, such a person alternates happily between both modes, there is a degree of feminine identity while dressed, and the dressing has little to do with sexual gratification.

There are also people who fluctuate between transvectic fetishism and crossdressing.

At any rate, back to your question: are you asking if you might be transsexual? This would be if you identify internally as a woman, and you increasingly dislike your male gender role and your male body parts. If so, I advise you to seek a gender specialist to discuss this.

[juno]

Reine is right. I assume the question is about being transsexual because the OP wants to "exist in the world as the woman I know I am". If you identify as all female on the inside, I think that means you are transsexual whether of not you transition. Transitioning is a huge undertaking, and only you can decide if it is right (and if you can afford it).

[Katesback]

Since crossdressers fall into the definition of transgender you are most assuridly transgender.

As far as the courage to begin transition. Well I can say you won't be the first!

Actually countless people have come before you and transitioned to varrying degrees.

[Phoebe P.]

I have no idea what I would call myself. Sounds like I'm transgender I guess. I'm mostly straight (bi-curious I guess) , married, have never been with a man, but in college when I was drunk a guy tried to take advantage of me. I wear women's clothes and makeup at home. My wife is okay with it. First time I wore women's clothing I was a/b 10 - pantyhose. I've been hit on by men when in drab mode and told I was good looking on several occasions. Never really thought I was trans anything. Just thought I was a guy that liked women's clothes - especially silk and satin! :)

[ReineD]

Phoebe, gender identity has nothing to do with sexual preference. You can be a crossdresser (and fall under the transgender umbrella) and be perfectly straight, like the majority of crossdressers.

Or, you can have no desire to dress whatsoever and be perfectly gay, like the majority of homosexuals.

[Phoebe P.]

Ugh! I am who I am. I think I'll leave the labels to someone else...

[ReineD]

It's not a label. I was responding to your first sentence and was simply saying that gender identity and sexual preference are separate. :)

[Phoebe P.]

Oh Reine, I wasn't attacking you. I just don't know how to ID myself. I am who I am. I value your opinion greatly. You are my guru! :notworthy:

[ReineD]

Oh, stop it! :D

I didn't feel attacked. But, I am guilty of being overly precise sometimes. :p

[Sue101]

I have a different way of looking at this question. Transgendered people are focused on gender identity - do you feel like part of you is actually female. Transgendered people have a dislike of being male including the physical male characteristics, the sexual role, the husband role etc.

Crossdressers on the other hand are focused on switching gender roles for periods of time to escape the pressures and responsibilities of manhood or simply to enter a fantasy world of fun and adventure. Crossdressing becomes the portal through which this alternative fantasy is reached.

The problem with these definitions is that rely on a myth that men and women are naturally masculine and feminine but studies show that almost everything to do with gender is socially imposed on us. Essentially we are all part male and female, we are all transgendered or maybe a better term would be whole-gendered.

But when crossdressers have the opportunity to dress on a regular basis without guilt, they become at ease with the whole idea and they naturally bring out their whole-genderedness which is the natural state of being for everyone.

It is a blurry line for me to think about. Are transgenderedness and whole-genderedness the same thing or different and if so how do you differentiate. Which gets me back to my first definition. Are you crossdressing because you love the look and feel of being a woman and want to display your whole gender or are you doing so because you dislike your maleness and seek to reject it as your identity.

[Danni Renee]

I certainly have the same experience. I am trying to stay away from labeling myself, but since I am also trying to better identify who I am I seem to keep coming back to labels as the only way to describe it. It too am now dressing everyday after work and on weekends - every chance I get. What I once thought was crossdressing has now become more of how I identify myself though and my feminine identification grows stronger every day. I ask myself is it just because I am open now that I feel the way I do (said another way, if I forced myself back in the closet would I stop having the feelings I do), or did I always have these feelings but repressed them and only now are they begnning to show. It is a critically important question for me to answer though the answer is not coming fast enough. I do know that I want to be more feminine because that is what make me happy. Well, maybe not happy, but complete might be a better word.

[Mistybtm]

Hi all. First time on to the site so besides saying hi thought I would pose a question. I have been crossdressing since I was about 10 and Im now 51. Over the last 5years I have got to the point where I dress every day the moment I walk in from work. I am beginning to think I might be truly transgendered. I would like nothing more than to simpoly exist in the world as the woman I know I am. Will I ever have the courage? Anyone else have the same experience?

I do the same thing here, I have turned into a home body never go anyware except for work and late walks except for the few male dates i have had come to the APT. i rarely see anyone on my days off.

[Rianna Humble]

Hi all. First time on to the site so besides saying hi thought I would pose a question. I have been crossdressing since I was about 10 and Im now 51.

Hi Karen, it's a pity that people confuse the term transgender with transsexual. You have been cross-dressing for 41 years so you are definitely transgender because you cross the binary gender divide.


Over the last 5years I have got to the point where I dress every day the moment I walk in from work. I am beginning to think I might be truly transgendered.

It's great that you have the freedom to dress this often.


I would like nothing more than to simply exist in the world as the woman I know I am. Will I ever have the courage? Anyone else have the same experience?

If you know you are a woman, but your birth-sex is male than you are indeed transsexual. Do you have a wife and children to consider when deciding if you can go through with transition? That might complicate the choice.

Only you can say whether you will have the courage to go through transition, but it might help if you could talk to a counsellor - they won't decide for you but they might help you to see your choices more clearly.

I was slightly older than you when I gave up fighting my gender and decided that I had to live as the woman I have always been. By that time I was prepared to go ahead whether I lost everything or not. In the end, the only thing I have lost is the depression at having to pretend to be someone I have never been. I even get people coming up to me in the street to express their support for my decidion to transition.

[Sue101]

I ask myself is it just because I am open now that I feel the way I do (said another way, if I forced myself back in the closet would I stop having the feelings I do), or did I always have these feelings but repressed them and only now are they begnning to show.

That is the big question, is your behavior transforming you into something else or where you always this way. Think about if you were a policeman and put on that uniform everyday, after a while your identity would meld with the role and the uniform and you would look at the world differently. This is how I think of crossdressers who progress to everyday dressing, this behavior will transform them and create a new identity.

I do believe that if you did stop yourself and lived 100% as a male again then your feelings would change again. You cannot stop being a crossdresser and loving the feelings it produces, but you can alter your identity depending upon your choices. You are what you make yourself to be.

[ashlylynn]

Allow me to clarify:

If you want to have BABIES - you are probably transgender.
If you see someone walk into a room carrying a BABY and NEED TO go and see the baby
and want to HOLD the baby - you are probably transgender.

If you want to have a vagina, then you are probably NOT transgender, because the reality is that vaginas kinda suck - it's just a fantasy for you.

[ReineD]

What I once thought was crossdressing has now become more of how I identify myself though and my feminine identification grows stronger every day. I ask myself is it just because I am open now that I feel the way I do (said another way, if I forced myself back in the closet would I stop having the feelings I do), or did I always have these feelings but repressed them and only now are they begnning to show.

Is there a thrill involved, even if it is not sexual, in being femme? Are you into the clothes, makeup, and wanting to look beautiful, and is it better for you the more beautiful you are? Or is it more about just being a girl regardless of exterior beauty? I'm not talking about passability; there is a difference. It's important to be honest with yourself about this. Do you dislike your male sexual functioning? This may be difficult to answer if there is a sexual component to the CDing.

My latest personal thoughts on this are, for SOME, not all CDers (I'm not talking about the TSs who know without a doubt they are women), the reward seeking brain chemicals that are released (dopamine, serotonin, or whatever) when they dress produce that sense of "high" and leads to pink fog. This can make being a guy a relatively drab experience in comparison. So, it can be confusing and can possibly lead someone who is not TS to believe they may be. I think it does take awareness and a certain sense of purpose to remember to appreciate being a guy as well and to try to cultivate a sense of balance. Again, this is assuming the person is not a TS who abhors her guy gender role and body parts.

I'm afraid that for those people who are reacting to the pleasure-seeking brain chemicals, if they do not actively try to achieve a sense of balance (which has nothing to do with the amount of time spent dressed), they may make the wrong decisions for themselves and may start a path down transition only to discover they've made a mistake when they see that living as a woman is not what they thought it would be. Or, they may be among those who sit by the sidelines for years and perhaps decades wishing with all their might they could transition but finding a million and one reasons why they don't. This is no way to live either. Or, they may become recluses and prefer staying home dressing than engaging in life with others.

It must be very difficult to figure this out since brain chemicals are a very powerful thing and so is one's ability to rationalize. I wish someone could just come up with a blood test. :p

But ultimately, I think the answer is that if you are TS, you KNOW at a deep level that you are. There have been outlets available for some years now since the advent of the internet to help people figure this out, plus there are gender specialists. At any rate, until a person knows for sure internally that they are the gender opposite than birth, their best bet is to try to go with the flow and seek to be happy while living in the non-binary world of embracing both genders, if they can.

With all my heart I believe there are many people like this and not everyone is binary, meaning either cisgender or transsexual. But at the same time, we all live in a binary gender world and it is my belief that it is most difficult for the non-binary people to learn to live happily as the mix of gender that they are, especially those for whom the pleasure seeking chemicals released are the strongest.

I know I'm repeating myself, but I'm finding it difficult to put it all into words. And again, these are just my personal thoughts at this point in the development of my understanding.


Allow me to clarify:

If you want to have BABIES - you are probably transgender.
If you see someone walk into a room carrying a BABY and NEED TO go and see the baby
and want to HOLD the baby - you are probably transgender.

If you want to have a vagina, then you are probably NOT transgender, because the reality is that vaginas kinda suck - it's just a fantasy for you.

Ashlylynn, please use the correct terminology, since it is confusing enough for the OP who is new to this forum. Do read the other posts in this thread. You also are confusing the term "transgender" for "transsexual". We have a forum full of crossdressers who are transgender and who have no wish to have babies. And we also have many transsexuals who do want vaginas and who by no means believe it would "suck" to have one. :)

[LisaMallon]

This is such a grey area and I can empathise because I am in a similar situation. For what it is worth here is my tuppence worth:

Excluding the fetishistic dressers (having a fetish about stockings say) my feeling is that it is all a function of transgenderism, that is: a part of us that wishes to be another sex.

Now this is not a binary on/off thing (you are one you are not) rather the drives have differing strengths for different people and there are emotional/social/financial/relationship/work/etc countervailing forces or barriers.

If you are at the very extreme end then you will transition (in one form or another) basically no matter what the barriers or costs. But if your personal drive is lower then other issues come into play.

Depending on the balance between them then you may never crossdress (even though you think about it some times), or do so only partially, or fully occasionally or far more often. Essentially you are (and I love the term) 'femulating', dealing with your transgender drives on a part time basis. And this, for many, is enough. I have met 70+ crossdressers who have being doing this balancing act for 40+ years (remember when they first did it it was in many places illegal and would mean ruin and even jail if caught). You take it out the box and put it away again.

A perfectly human compromise. Even if you have quite strong drives then the choice between being a paid bloke and a broke transitioned to female (or vice versa of course) is a very hard one. In some societies (even now) it is a choice between being a bloke and being in jail ... or dead.

But of course these balances can change over time. People retire and/or relationships end, the kids grow up and leave. Plus society is far more accepting now in many places and (such as in Australia) SRS (etc) can be available free. I have met some people older than me that have retired (and now dress far more often) that have said to me that if they had their time over again they would have transitioned at a far younger age knowing what they know now, others are still happy being part time, others have just stopped because the drive dropped away. Plus just being older means things like testosterone declines and you start to think of the things you haven't done in life.

My gut feel (and it is only that) that if you are a regular crossdresser but you glam up all the time then you are to the left of the spectrum and part time femulating is probably enough for you (enjoy). If you are content to femulate often in very casual stuff (and there is no constant sexual kick out of it) then you are more to the right and it might be worth thinking about seeing a gender consultant to work out where you are really at. Note this doesn't mean you want to transition fully, just that you may have moved to another level of compromise that suits you.

What made me think of this was that I was out a few weeks ago and a long term admirer (he's actually far more than that, more a very good friend to CD/TG girls) commented on one girl who was very casually dressed (slacks,etc) and said that she was becoming more comfortable with herself as she normally glams up going out. He's seen a lot of girls over many years and has an eye to see changes, plus has seen many stay at one level and those who move onwards. This backed up something that I have noticed, that those who transition (or are transitioning) tend to tone down the clothes (etc) considerably to more normal day to day ordinary women level.

So it is a spectrum and everyone has a place on it (all different and very personal of course), but it can change over time and you may want to move to a different place on that spectrum (note some go the other way). The important thing is that you are happy with that and you enjoy your level on the spectrum wherever they may be.

And you are never alone in that personal journey, there is now a lot of professional help and of course places like here, support groups, good T-girl friends, 'normal' friends and even family (amazing how many, after they get over the initial shock, end up being supportive).

[Sue101]

It must be very difficult to figure this out since brain chemicals are a very powerful thing and so is one's ability to rationalize. I remember watching a tv show about a man who ran a marathon every day. He did this because he was addicted to the high that comes with excessive exercise but the physical stress on his body was killing him. We all understand how people can become addicted to chemicals like drugs, alcohol and tobacco but to see someone addicted to a behavior like running was a real eye opener for me. You would think you could easily stop yourself running a marathon daily but this guy could not.

So I agree with you Reine, the reason you see so many bizarre and destructive behaviors in this community is because many have lost the ability to rationalise what their behavior is about and the effects it has on themselves and their family and friends. The pleasure of crossdressing overrides other considerations. Then again it is their life and they have the right to follow whatever path they choose to be happy. There is no right or wrong answer but crossdressers should educate themselves to understand where their motivations come from.

[Danni Renee]

I think there are two components that we do not discuss much on this forum that has to be considered when talking about crossdressing and being transgendered.

The first is being truthful to yourself. Speaking for myself alone, I know I am a liar. I have lied to myself and others so long and so many times that even I believed the lies. There are times in my life that I could have told the truth and lied simply because that is what I did to maintain the facade. Only in the darkest of night or the depths of drunkness would I admit to myself that I was not what I portrayed myself to be. But as soon as I awoke or sobered, the screen went right back into place. At some point, you simply believe the lies you tell yourself (and in my case try to analyze why you hate yourself).

The second is time. Someone mentioned earlier about crossdressing and transgender being a spectrum and we are all somewhere along that spectrum. I believe that is also the case with time. When you are new to the forum, you see some very strong and confident individuals-people you wish to emulate. But it is a sanpshot in time - a view of different people at different locations in their lives. As I have begun to dig into peoples past posts, I find not everyone was as confident in themselves as they appear now. I also notice that as I read and interact more, I grow more confident. It is like we are moving on the spectrum and sometimes forget where we started.

This time component also works hand in hand with being true to yourself. As more time passes I am able to unweave my cloak of lies. I find myself examining my past from a different point of view, and questioning myself. I think it is a good exercise for me as it is helping me grow. I also think it is a dangerous exercise and I might be reading more into it then I should. Only time will tell.

[Karenxd_melb]

Hi Lisa and thank you for your intelligent response. As a new member of this site it is lovely to be able to hold intelligent conversation on a topic that is at the core of my being. I understand completely your analogy of glamming up versus dressing casually because it is also a constant dilemma. While I love to wear a dress and heels I instictively know I feel better in a simple knee length skirt and top. I made a decision many years ago to not marry and chose to live alone so that I can at least provided a sanctuary for my female personality to dress with a degree of dignity and respect in the confines of my home. The bottom line of my life is this: I exist in the outside world dressed as a male, when at home I am generally dressed as a female. It is not just that I dress as a female it is as if I live at home as a female. This is very different from a transvestite who might occasionally wear women’s clothes, often involving underwear, for a sexual high. My dressing has to do with identity not sexual kicks. It the only way I have been able to manage what has been the ‘monster in the corner’ all of my life. The tragedy of it from my perspective is that I am always alone. I am dressed like a woman, existing like a woman but I have never had a single friend as that woman. I would be very interested if you could inform me of some of the support systems in place for me in Melbourne.

Hi Danni,
Your comment of being a liar resonated with me as well. Like you I know I am a liar. I have lied to myself and I have by extension lied to my friends and family. For me I think the genesis of this lie is shame. Shame is probably the most debilitating of all human emotion. It is an internal control mechanism that shuts one off from the world, sometimes physically but most definitely emotionally. For many people the shame they live with is often deserved. It can often be for actions taken against another person or people. It can be for things said that should not have been said. The shame that I have felt and no doubt many other people like me have felt, is a shame that is not of our own making. It is not a simple shame of things said or done it is a shame much deeper than that. It is a shame of who we are. Can there be a deeper shame than to be ashamed of the way we were created. Can there be a deeper shame than to shame everyone you have ever known by letting them know you are a fraud, a freak, a pervert. That is the tragic irony of this condition. I had no say in it. I simply had no say in it. I was made this way and will be this way until I leave this earth. I have been forced to live a miserable life because of my absolute conviction that the society I live in would never allow me to live as I would like. In my more upbeat moments I often wonder whether I could have lived my life as a female. Couldn’t I just have been courageous enough to say, ‘damn you all, this is who I am.’ ‘Just let me live in peace.’ That is all I ever wanted really….not too much to ask when you see it written that way. The reality however is something different and I knew from a very early age that this was something that I had to keep to myself. I knew from about the age of 13 that I would be condemned to live my life in virtual exile from society. I would be forced to live within the society, but I could never really be part of it. That may sound melodramatic to those who know me, or think they know me, but let there be no doubt that is exactly what my life has been. The bottom line is that I never had the courage. The absolute unadulterated courage that it must take for a girl to demand her rights as a human being.
I'm not sure if anyone else out there can relate to the sentiments or I am just being too depressive. Karen

[Sue101]

Karen, you are being too depressive! Most of us can relate to the feelings you describe but most of us know there are alternatives and have pursued them. You have not, you have sought sanctuary in being alone where you are protected against criticism and the judgement of others but this isolation has consequences. You have built yourself a castle and are now trapped behind its high walls. Being alone means you have become entrenched in your own points of view and lack the courage to change how you live.

If you want to truely enjoy the rest of your life, you need to change your lifestyle. You need to reach out to others, you need to trust that others will in fact accept you if you let them. You are asking here for information about support in Melbourne. Why dont you do this yourself? Walk out your door and visit your nearest GLBT office. Walk in and say "Hi I am Karen and I am transgendered" and start talking to people. The first hurdles are always the hardest to jump over but if you wish for a different life then it is up to you to make the effort.

[Karenxd_melb]

Thanks for the honest feedback Sue. Yes I know that you are right but its easier said than done some times. My job (school principal) would make being exposed fairly difficult but you are right in saying that I have built a fortress and I am now trapped behind its high walls. Hope I can find the courage to do something about it. Karen

[Rianna Humble]

The shame that I have felt and no doubt many other people like me have felt, is a shame that is not of our own making. It is not a simple shame of things said or done it is a shame much deeper than that. It is a shame of who we are. Can there be a deeper shame than to be ashamed of the way we were created. Can there be a deeper shame than to shame everyone you have ever known by letting them know you are a fraud, a freak, a pervert. That is the tragic irony of this condition. I had no say in it.

You are right that there is no more debilitating shame than to be ashamed of who you are, but there is no reason to give in to that sense of shame.

You are not a fraud - you are different to others.

You are not a freak - you just don't fit in the binary gender stereotype.

You are definitely not a pervert.

Until you can accept the truth about yourself and thus start to accept who you are, you will not be able to break out of your self-imposed exile.

You are right that you had no say in how you were born - show me one person who does.

As I see it, you have two choices. You can continue to lie to yourself about who you are and remain trapped in your self-built prison, or you can stop fighting what you cannot control and start to accept that you are trans.

What you do with that acceptance may be harder or easier than you anticipate at this stage, but IMNSHO you will never be free to live your life unless you start to accept that you are not cisgender and that there is nothing wrong with that fact.

I have a brother-in-law who was born deaf, through illness as a child he lost the use of his legs, a few years ago he developed end-stage cancer, but he didn't let any of those things rule his life. He cannot change his deafness, he cannot change the fact that he is unable to walk, he did manage to fight off the cancer, but for the rest, he accepts what he cannot change and gets on with living his life to the full because he accepts who he is. WHen I am tempted to wallow in self-pity, I think of him.

[kimdl93]

you'll get a lot of responses. My personally feeling is that all CDs are transgendered to varying degrees and that we evolve over time...perhaps as we gain greater self awareness, gain self confidence, or gain acceptance from loved ones.

[Stephenie S]

Allow me to clarify:

If you want to have BABIES - you are probably transgender.
If you see someone walk into a room carrying a BABY and NEED TO go and see the baby
and want to HOLD the baby - you are probably transgender.

If you want to have a vagina, then you are probably NOT transgender, because the reality is that vaginas kinda suck - it's just a fantasy for you.

I have to jump in here. Having a vagina does not in any way "suck". It's really kind of nice.

Babies are nice too.

[Vanessac48]

For me the name of what, or who I am, is not significant at all. I dress fully all the time, every day. (or I should qualifythat, 90%+ of the time). I just love the way I feel when I'm dressed. I need to be totally dressed though, some just need pnties, I need to be 100% woman, and I feel so relaxed. I don't need a label, the only label that fits me is happy:)

[2SpeedTranny]

In the immortal words of Dr. Seuss, "You Are You!"

When you ask for opinions like this, everyone is going to tell you you're one of "them" so they can spread their misery around.

Just be what you want to be, and don't worry what "trans-" prefixed label anyone attaches to it. Humans come in various shapes, sizes, colors, etc., and it just doesn't effing matter.

[sometimes_miss]

Sue101 wrote: Crossdressers on the other hand are focused on switching gender roles for periods of time to escape the pressures and responsibilities of manhood or simply to enter a fantasy world of fun and adventure.
Not for all of us. For some, it's just wanting to wear what feels appropriate, whether it is or not. I used to think the 'switching of gender roles' was it, too; but after I lived alone for a while, and could do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, I still wanted to dress as a girl, and my behavior did not change once I'm dressed.

One of the things I've noticed here is the number of men who, when going through middle age, 'suddenly' feel the need to crossdress more, or even transition, even to the point of SRS. I think one of the mechanisms going on here is the long term toll that repressing our crossdressing has, including the psychological exhaustion caused by it (which by middle age, some of us simply can't keep up the energy necessary to suppress those feelings). There is also the concept that we start to face reality more, and have less to lose; by 50 years old, we realize that the chances of finding a crossdressing accepting female sexual partner is very, very slim. So, with nothing to lose, some of us figure we may as well try our fantasy, becoming a woman as much as we can.

Crossdressing has many causes; finding out when and how the initial desire to do so can help you figure out where you fit into the gender 'continuum'. There's a lot to consider. I was only slightly helped by seeing a gender knowledgable therapist; they more or less confirmed concepts that I already had come up with, and they didn't offer anything new. Reading the stories of others here can help you find where you 'fit in'. Good luck.