How do i find an accepting Significant Other?

[CDAllie]

I Read alot of post with people who have a very accepting SO that supports and loves them. My problem is how do i open up to some one to reach this point?. Do i need to start being more open about my crossdressing to more people, or just tell more girls that i meet about what i like to do?

[Brynn_A]

Hi Allie,

I think you hit the nail on the head. Openess and honesty will be your friend. Without knowing your exact situation, it's hard to give specifics. That said, letting a prospective other know very early in the relationship will of course be of some aid. Also, letting them know that this is not something that will change in the future but rather will be a significant part of any relationship will help as well. Finally, once things progress, perhaps letting the lucky one know about this site so that they can use the resources available from the many wais ladies here.

Brynn

[Duana]

While openness and honesty are certainly the correct way to do things, it makes a much higher hill to climb. The anectdotal evidence here shows more success with revealing this information AFTER the woman falls in love with you. This makes perfect sense if you understand psychology. People can cope with amazing circumstances and adversity.

Who do you think is happier a year later, a person winning millions in a lottery or a person who becomes a parapalegic?

Do you know there is a study that shows they are equally happy?

PS: I'm not saying coping with a CD for a partner is as big a deal as some SOs make it seem.

[joandher]

Duana I totaly agree with you, get to know the outher person first , before you start opening your heart up

Hugs J-JAY

[Nikki A.]

Going through the same dillema now also. I try to get to know the person first and if I feel there is a connection that I wish to pursue I'm gonna tell her. So far, I've met one woman that I felt there was a spark with and while it was a problem for her we did remain friendly.
Keep trying and eventually there wil be the right girl for you.

[Engendered]

Honesty from the beginning. Be comfortable with yourself and your CDing. Don't hide it like a guilty secret, waiting for an unsuspecting person to fall in love with you before springing it on them. I don't want a SO who has to "cope" with or "put up" with this. I've found that if you're open, then the accepting ones come to you.
Is it a smaller pool of potential partners than if you kept it a secret? Sure, but doing it the other way is like playing russian roulette with two people's set of emotions.

[Alicia_lynn419]

I have to agree with the above.... Honesty is so valuable. But coming out too soon can be counterproductive. I have found in the past, a lot of girls feel honored that you share something so personal with them, and ask for their trust. Not everyone will react the same, but if it's meant to be, they will be willing to TRY to understand.

I'm waiting right there with you girl....

[Jill Devine]

Duana I totaly agree with you, get to know the outher person first , before you start opening your heart up

Hugs J-JAY
But there one HUGE problem when you wait for her to fall in love. You also fall in love. And then suddenly you become afraid to lose the love of your life. So you hide your femme side. Before long, you are married with kids and now you have too much to lose... It's easy to see why so many CDs live in the closet.

My advice is to be open and honest very early on. Rather open up a little too early than a little too late. It's a tough one for sure.

[Charise52]

I have had women who were attracted to me because i am a CD, and my current GF accepts

[daviolin]

Allie darling. If you want a mate to except you as you are, I sugjest tell her soon into the relationship. Don't do like I did and wait 35 years into the marrage. Its been a living hell. I don't think she will ever except Daviolin. Move slowly and take about it with her. Baby steps. If she really loves you she will understand. I hope that is. If you are anything like me you will never be able to put your feminime side away. So she should know as soon as possable. It will save alot of heartache in the end.Daviolin

[rachaelsloane]

Allie,
You are still young and will find the right SO. Don't be afraid to be open, but be careful and there might be times it will hurt, but she is out there.
Rachael

[juno]

Mostly, just be yourself. There are a lot of women that will like a somewhat feminine male, but will be a bit freaked out if they know the whole story all at once. The main problem is that society is too unaware of gender diversity, so it can be too much to take in. It is a bit like sex education, where you should always be honest, don't teach everything at age 4, but also don't wait until age 18.

Also, don't be offended if they ask if you are gay or mentally ill. They are just uneducated. Take the opportunity to help them understand. If they break it off, don't get upset. Maybe they will realize you are a nice guy, and that CDing is not so bad.

[NicoleScott]

It seems like a lot people find the right person when they stop searching.

[Suzette Muguet de Mai]

I found her not long ago. It is my female part Yay, accepted her and we have an incredible relationship.

[Alice Torn]

I have been told by people, since about age 17, that the right one is out there somewhere. Somewhere over the rainbow? I have had single friends die, never having met that right person. There may be someone for everyone, but, some never meet that person, or, else were not ready. Yes, i have known many singles die alone, never having that special someone. For a cder, it is that much mega-tougher! I am almost 57, no career, little chance, I am realizing. My sister never had a chance, either, and older twin brothers are in prison. My parents did not encourage dating, seemed to want us to be there for them, not a mate. The posters before me, gave some good ideas. It is hard to earn a gg's trust, and easy to lose it. Some will think you are a pervert. Some won't know how to take it at first. A FEW will accept you, anyway. But, most i have told, would only consider me a friend, not a possible husband or SO.

[prettytoes]

I kept it hidden from my wife for 28 years. I had several purges over the years, but always came back. When she discovered my stash of clothes, it was a shock. When she confronted me (all my clothes were spread out on the bed), I wanted to die. I had no idea what to say. After a lot of tears and a period of not speaking, we finally talked about it. She asked a lot of questions, which I answered truthfully. She is accepting, but with a few boundries....she does not want to see me in a skirt, or in satin girly panties, but is ok with me wearing them; even when being intimate (the panties, not the skirt). She does them with the laundry without a problem. She also doesn't mind me sleeping in satin women's pajamas, or VS silk sleep shorts. I also keep my toenails painted (until flip-flop season!)...I usually do hers then mine to match. I am trying not to push her..it has only been a few weeks. I read her some of the posts from this forum; she wants to learn more about it. All I can say is that our relationship has never been better. My love for her is stronger than ever, and I tell her constantly. I realize now that she loves me no matter what! She is an awesome woman and I am lucky to have her. I would wait until you get to know the girl a little before springing that one on her...just don't do what I did and wait 28 years!

[erica12b]

i have been trying for the last 5yr and as of yet no luck , so if you do before i do lrt me know and ill let you know too ok good hunting lol

[ReineD]

Even though there are increasingly more women who are open to being in relationships with CDers right off the bat, these women still are few in numbers. Our society in general simply isn't in a place where trans matters are universally supported. However, I think there are a substantial number of women who would be open to the idea after having developed an attraction for you.

I think you should just go out and enjoy dating women without worrying about the CDing for now, and when you meet someone with whom there are mutual sparks, you should tell her as soon as the relationship moves on to the next level. If she's into you, she'll be more interested in learning about the CDing than if she isn't.

[BreenaDion]

Your kinda right Reine , As what I did was sweep her off her feet, Literally. I galloped in like her own knight but it was a white limousine. Back then I was a Mans Man in alot of ways.
I had my trophy wife who blossomed into a monster, that ended just short of 5 yrs. I vowed I would marry a nurse, someone who could care for children and the first wife was worse than bad.

I learnd from my wife now that I litterally was her white knight so much so i'll leave that private. This relationship sponded nothing but dividends for yrs to come. Even through my worse event ever, My Awakening.

Though what I have learned and seen is you Must be Totally honest but you have to find the right time to do this in. When its to late its almost certainly deadly for a relationship. The main aspect to look for is in her character, you hopefully can witness this if not im truely sorry. Happy Hunting.
Breena.

[Maria Blackwood]

A lot of people meet via online sites now. Just put it right there in the ad.

[Areyan]

a lot of you underestimate natal women these days because you're coming at it from a narcissistic MEMEME! angle which is a put off to any woman. if you've learned anything here about genetic women it's that most of them dun want to come off second best to your dressing. it's fairly simple really, if you're just a man who's happy dressing like a woman and getting off on it then sure, no problem, you should find some woman who tolerates you even if she doesn't accept you. if you're too screwed up about it or suffering with transgendered angst you're not only wasting any woman's time being with you but you're being dishonest with yourself.

my only advice to you if you wish to pursue someone who may accept you is to stop making it all about you and your cding in the first place and actually cherish HER femininity more than your own. i dun understand why cds think their fetish or tg feelings about gender are more important than their relationships with women, then have the audacity to whinge about not being accepted. it's about priorities eh.

[AKAMichelle]

I have told 6 women now and 5 have gone out with me dressed after finding out. I often wonder why I do so well percentage wise. These women are not the ones statistically that should accept. These are Christain, Conservative women. In fact one of them was a missionary. So I don't think their is a certain stereotype that accepts, but I do think that it matters more about how honest you are with women. When you tell them how this is a part of you and you explain how it fits with the other parts to make you, then they see the whole package. Cd'ing is not the thing that prevents us from having accepting SO's. It is the other things in our life that we hide from others.

If you want an accepting GF then let her in. Take a chance and tell her the truth from the beginning. Yes you can get hurt and hurt bad, but if you don't risk things sometimes you end being the loser.

[lingerieLiz]

Give yourself time. Don't wait until she is in love with you. She may think she can change you. And neither of you will be happy with the results.

[2SpeedTranny]

Quiit trying so bloody hard.

And act like the man you are. Even if you're wearing a dress. And makeup. Heels. Etc.

Women don't mind trannies. They DO mind spineless wimps.

It's that simple.

[sometimes_miss]

Duana wrote: The anectdotal evidence here shows more success with revealing this information AFTER the woman falls in love with you. This makes perfect sense if you understand psychology. People can cope with amazing circumstances and adversity.


and then Engendered wrote: Don't hide it like a guilty secret, waiting for an unsuspecting person to fall in love with you before springing it on them. I don't want a SO who has to "cope" with or "put up" with this. I've found that if you're open, then the accepting ones come to you.
Which contradicts each other. But if you choose the former, don't be surprised if the woman becomes extremely angry with you for 'deceiving' her about 'who you really are'. My ex wife was quite in love with me until the crossdressing was discovered. During therapy, she flat out told the therapist that if she had known before the wedding, she never would have married me. So, not all women will be able to overcome this particular 'adversity'.


NicoleScott wrote: It seems like a lot people find the right person when they stop searching.
That may occasionally work well for women because interested guys will still approach them. But for guys, if you aren't approaching women to introduce yourself, they are very, very unlikely to approach you. Women, socially anyway, for the most part are still living two centuries ago, when the man always makes the first move (non verbal first moves don't count because they can so easily be misinterpreted; sorry, ladies).


2SpeedTranny wrote: Women don't mind trannies. They DO mind spineless wimps. It's that simple.

My ex wife would be a perfect example of a contradiction of your theory. True, most women aren't bothered when there's a crossdresser in their presence; but it's another think entirely to have her man tell her he likes to dress up as a girl because in most cases, it turns off any sexual attraction she feels for him. And unfortunately, that most often ends any romantic relationship. Yes, there are a few women out there willing to be your friend if you're a crossdresser, but sparking romantic feelings when she sees you as effeminate in any way is an uphill battle.

So you see, there's no easy answer here. Despite the number of women who are still with the guys who CD on this board, there are many more that feel we lied to them when we hid our crossdressing from them, and they divorced or just left us. In short, there is no easy answer.

[deebra]

Wear some female clothing such as girl jeans and panties, she'll notice and when she asks just tell her you prefer it because you like the tighter fit, softness of the material, the way it looks and it feels really nice wearing it. If she accepts then you have found an accepting mate and the relationship can go forward, if she has doubts, drop her and move on. You are being "your-self" and that is the good and right thing to do.

[Duana]

The ones comparing what I suggested to telling your wife after decades of marriage are making a silly comparison. Though many of those cases work well too.

The fact is, everyone hides parts of themselves. Did my exwife tell me the wild sex and blowjobs would stop after we got married? No. Would that have affected my decision to marry her? Yes.

Women hide drug addictions, weight issues, past child abuse or rapes, criminal history, depression, eating disorders, sexual history, etc.

If we were ALL required to layout our unedited Bio on the first date, I suspect everyone would be single.

[Phylis Nicole Schuyler]

I agree 100%. That's how it started with me. Only difference is that she knew before I told.

[ReineD]

The fact is, everyone hides parts of themselves.

Women hide drug addictions, weight issues, past child abuse or rapes, criminal history, depression, eating disorders, sexual history, etc.

If we were ALL required to layout our unedited Bio on the first date, I suspect everyone would be single.

No, not on the first date, but hopefully before marriage! This goes for both men and women. I can't imagine making such a commitment without wanting to tell him all about me. If the trust isn't there before a marriage, it is a good indication the wedding shouldn't take place.

[Duana]

Agree Reine and I never suggested otherwise.

[Stephanie47]

I did not tell my girl friend and future wife of my desire to cross dress before marriage. Why? Because I had not dressed for years, wore only my mother's garments, and owned not one feminine garment. What was I suppose to do back in the 1960's? "Hey, honey, I use to dress in my mom's slips. I think I might be sexually defective? A faggot?"

If I were in the same situation forty years later, what would I do? Pray! After praying for an understanding woman, I'd make sure I accepted myself. Assuming I do not want to start soliciting for a girl friend in an 'alternative lifestyle' dating service, I'm going to find the field limited. I'd widen my circle of friends to include lesbians, gays, accepting straights and attend cross dresser support and social groups. Hopefully, a woman would see ALL my attributes and faults and make a decision on the TOTAL person.

In a new relationship in the general population I think I would wait until I had an opportunity to find out my friend's core beliefs. I'd put her in situations where she may feel uncomfortable with the surroundings. I'd 'stumble' into a gay-lesbian club or bar. I'd want to see how she reacts in situations where other bias behavior may occur. I would take her to a Halloween costume party where there is sure to be cross dressers or drag queens present. I'd see how she may react. Maybe the next year, she or I would proposed going as a woman. If she thinks it is a good idea, I'd make it a joint effort to doll myself up. I'd tell her I felt sexy. That to me is setting the stage. If she pukes at any of the preceding I'd forget her.

Now, I'd say it's the hard part. Telling her before getting too invested in the relationship. I agree with the other advice. A woman should not expect you to change. A woman should not think it is her mission to change you. A woman should not think a therapist or clergyman will 'reform' you. Most people do not want get into a complicated relationship- no drug users, no drunks, no abusers. Love does NOT conquer all.

By all means I'd tell her before I was serious. However, I'd expect the worse. How would I react if my secret is posted on a social media site? I don't know!

Be true to yourself! If you're not true to yourself, you eventually be living the life of hell along with your wife.

Good luck!

[Jenniferca]

I have a supportive S.O. and she came around almost immediately as I told her if it works out she'll double her jewelry collection! Done Deal! ;_)

[kimdl93]

Honesty from the beginning. Be comfortable with yourself and your CDing. Don't hide it like a guilty secret, waiting for an unsuspecting person to fall in love with you before springing it on them. I don't want a SO who has to "cope" with or "put up" with this. I've found that if you're open, then the accepting ones come to you.
Is it a smaller pool of potential partners than if you kept it a secret? Sure, but doing it the other way is like playing russian roulette with two people's set of emotions.

This is right on. First you have to be accepting of yourself. When you reach that state of peace and self acceptance, you radiate positive vibes. Its a cliche, but to be loved by others you must first love yourself.

[Babeba]

This is right on. First you have to be accepting of yourself. When you reach that state of peace and self acceptance, you radiate positive vibes. Its a cliche, but to be loved by others you must first love yourself.

This is pretty much exactly what I was coming on to this thread to post!

The other thing I have to add is, when there's a time in your relationship where it feels like there's a commitment your partner ought to know about your CDing. Personally, if we'd gotten to the bedroom before I knew about it I probably would have felt very hurt as that is not something I take particularly lightly (it's kind of my personal benchmark for seriousness, I suppose!)

It's about the same point in your relationship you would probably let them know if you had secretly had a love child with an Iranian Princess. If she feels close enough to know about something like that, then she's close enough to know about your crossdressing side. Even if you haven't done it for years and think it's gone away, she should know it's something you have done in the past (and therefore may do again in the future).

[eluuzion]

Have you tried visiting female correctional facilities or the psych ward of your local mental health institutions? The women there tend to be more open to new ideas...:heehee:

I believe I am always moving toward the thoughts that I choose to keep in my mind. People will accomplish everything that they believe they are capable of achieving. I am very cautious about the terminology and descriptions that I allow to enter my mind, because they will form the mental images that reside in my head. Those mental images influence my perspective, perception and ultimately my happiness.

"Searching" is one of those slippery words. I only "search" for keys, lost people and kidnap victims. I know all of those things actually exist.

I have not "searched" for jobs, compatible partners or anything else that I was not sure actually existed. Because I would simply be searching, not locating. That type of searching creates mental images of neediness, desperation, lack of confidence/direction and insecurity. Like "you might be a "loser"...in your head. (and those around you)
Not exactly the best attitude to have if a window of opportunity opens. :straightface:

I've had many jobs and many partners (probably too many) in my life. All were outcomes of being at the right place/right time and taking action when a window of opportunity opened.

The quickest way to increase your chances for success is to increase your presence and availability. If you want to increase your odds of catching a fish, you find a better spot, or a bigger lake...instead of focusing on the size of your fishing rod...:heehee:

just a thought...I never claimed it was going to be a sane one....:hugs:

:love:

[2SpeedTranny]

I have not "searched" for jobs, compatible partners or anything else that I was not sure actually existed. Because I would simply be searching, not locating. That type of searching creates mental images of neediness, desperation, lack of confidence/direction and insecurity. Like "you might be a "loser"...in your head. (and those around you)
Not exactly the best attitude to have if a window of opportunity opens. :straightface:


Bloody hell. You're too smart for this forum.

[donnalee]

The quickest way to increase your chances for success is to increase your presence and availability. If you want to increase your odds of catching a fish, you find a better spot, or a bigger lake...instead of focusing on the size of your fishing rod...:heehee:

just a thought...I never claimed it was going to be a sane one....:hugs:

:love: Although I have been with the same woman for over 40 years and am extremely rusty at this, let me offer a suggestion in light of the above quote. Try to find a place where women gather; aerobic excersize, adult classes that tend to attract more females than males, even church activities (bars and nightclubs may not be the best places, although I did meet my SO in one). Doing this will increase your odds geometrically for every one of these you pursue.