Do we make too much of being read?

[audreyinalbany]

Lately I've been thinking that the whole "being read" idea probably means a lot more to us than it does to the people we encounter. I think, by and large, most people really don't care if we're out and about dressed as women. Sure you want to avoid motorcycle gangs at three in the morning, but, ordinary people probably don't think that much about it.
My sister-in-law mentioned recently that she'd run into a transvestite at the local Target. She's neither notoriously liberal nor remarkably conservative. Her take on it was "It's great if thats what their into." It didn't seem to move her much one way or another.
I can't say I've ever had a bad reaction out in public. A couple 'knowing grins' perhaps but nothing more serious than that.
Oh yeah, I have avoided groups of high school aged girls...I put them right up there with motorcycle gangs...

[Sarah Doepner]

It's probably only as bad as our self image will allow it to be. When we first start to venture out we have not had many opportunities to develop the kind of confidence that will protect us against "that look", or "I think they were laughing at me". I was petrified and actually looked better than I do today. Now I'm not as slim, but much of the added bulk is rhino skin and the expectation that I will be read. You will find that even the most experienced among us will at times have self doubts, but if the need to get out is there, it will happen and we learn to deal with it.
And yes, if the elevator door opened and it was full of High School Girls and Hell's Angles, I'd probably take the stairs. Then I'd go to the security office and ask to see the video of what I missed on that lift. ;)

[Kathi Lake]

High school girls really aren't that bad! I've had good luck with them, at least. The worst thing one said was "Look at that ugly skirt." Another of her friends said, "Hey, I like it." and they walked off. No biggie.

I am read each and every time I go out. So what? It's not as if I'm fooling anyone. And if I were, you know what? The exhibitionist in me would probably be bummed. I want people to notice me. I want to be read. I want them to see the effort I put into it, and be recognized for it. I want people to see that we are nice, normal human beings, and not just caricatures of femininity.

Kathi

[Christina Horton]

As CDers we go out to BE seen. If not we all be home. I love the attention I get and if someone reads me and comes up to me and chats and asks question I just be the friendly girl I can be. They'll walk away with maybe a better out look on CDs.


It's also a huge thrill to talk about my fav subject....Christina LOL!!!!!

[skirtsuit]

I decided last week that everybody can read me immeadately, so who cares?
What I really, really care about is looking good and 'well-dressed'. If that causes me to stick out even more, so be it!
I was joking with a young woman SA at a local consignment shop the other day telling her that I don't care if people can't tell what I am as long as they notice that I'm well-dressed.

Best, SS

[Dana921]

I consider it a win just by virtue of being out enjoying my day! I do not want confrontation and high school girls can be fun mostly if you are willing to smile and joke (even ask for tips as they get a kick out of it) with them! Even when others know but do not ruin your day with a bad remark, YOU WON! You were able to express yourself and be whom you feel you are!

Dana

[Paula Siemen]

I have fun with it. Sometimes, when I'm shopping or out for dinner, if I feel like I'm being read to much, I just answer and comments or conversation in my normal low pitche male voice, so its just obvious I' a guy in a dress. Who really cares, as long as its someone you don't know or do not want to share that you are a CD'er. I just don't hink its that much of a big deal.

[BillieJoEllen]

I think for me part of being read stems back to my early days when if you did go out en femme and you were read you could be and would be arrested. That part has always worried me and has stuck with me.

[RADER]

Be ever watchfully for the pre-teens. The 8 to 12 year olds. They can spot a CDer from
about 5 miles away. I think they have X-ray vision or something like the Airport Scanners
have. LOL
Rader

[kimberly ann487]

Do we make too much of being read ? Yes, I think so ! It's all in our heads. 99 % of crossdressing is half mental. ( Sorry Yogi )

[Holly]

I'm sure I'm read each and every time I go out... to the grocery store, the gas station, the car wash, eating establishments, electronics stores, etc. I'm read as a happy, confident individual who is out enjoying herself. Do they know I am genetically male? Unquestionably. Do they care? Rarely. It doesn't matter so much how others see you. The most important thing is how you see yourself.

[Shelly Preston]

I am not sure "being read" is a problem its only dependant on the reaction afterwards

You will find most people treat you with respect its only the odd teenager that seems to be a problem and a few rude people in my experience

[Gerrijerry]

going out and being read will happen no matter how good we are at dressing female sooner or later. That said, the safest place to be when out dressed is with regular people. Doing every day things and going places that are not designed to be gay lesbain etc. That is what I have always done and I was always treated well. I know many CD and TS and gay and lesbians who will tell you the same thing.

[Leslie Langford]

All of us are "read" to one degree or another when we are out in public, whether we are in guy mode or not.

If we are Caucasian, Asian, Black, or Hispanic, we are "read" as such. If we are overweight or thin, we are "read" that way. If we are abnormally tall or short, bald, hairy, tanned, pale, tattooed, pierced, wear grubby clothes etc. - you name it - we are "read". Human beings, like all animals, are programmed by evolution to make a split second visual evaluation of anyone (or anything) that we encounter for the first time which, if need be, triggers the "fight or flight" instinct that has been programmed into us to ensure the survival of the species.

So if we look at being "read" as a crossdresser within that context, really, what's the big deal???

[Stephanie47]

I know if this 'at home' cross dresser walked around I would be immediately read. This past week in our downtown, and, I am presuming everywhere, there was the annual "Walk In Her Shoes" breast cancer awareness fund raiser. When I was still working it was interesting to watch the GG's try to identify the cross-dressers by how well the guys walked in four or five inch high heels. Some of the guys did it really well. Most of the other guys, trying not to be associated with potential cross dressers, did the walk in pink sandals or thongs. I guess many of those guys in high heels were 'read' or self outed.

[Jilmac]

I think I'll have to agree with you about the high school girls or any teens for that matter. It seems that they get freaked more than anyone else. And I steer clear of motorcycle gangs whether en femme or in drab. Sometimes I consider being read as part of the lifestyle I've chosen and up til now I haven't had any negative reaction from those who have read me. Most of the time, If I know I've been read or someone is staring me down, I'll just smile and wave and I think that can be more intimidating to the starer than confrontation because they'll usually look away afterward.

[StaceyJane]

I've been read more times than a magazine in a dentist's office but I've survived.
I always figure that half the guys secretly wish they could be out wearing a dress.

[ReineD]

I've read more times than a magazine in a dentist's office but I've survived.
I always figure that half the guys secretly wish they could be out wearing a dress.

I wouldn't go that far, :) but I agree it is not as bad as many CDers seem to think. My SO and I go out dressed everywhere frequently. Most people who don't know you don't care, and those who do think it is odd or even perhaps wrong, will keep their comments to themselves. Some people actually think it is "cool" to be so free and out on the fringes of what is considered to be "normal".

The difficulty I think is to get the people who are closer, such as family members, friends, and coworkers to not be so skittish about it that they would distance themselves and stop wanting to do things with you

[kimdl93]

For me, being read is one of the biggest obstacles to going out en femme. And yet, I have taken to wearing some make-up and perhaps a woman's top and high heeled sandals. It has occurred to me that this is a curious contradiction.

[msginaadoll]

I think most of the Cd's who are out and about do get read. However I also belive from my own experience and others that most people dont care, or have the good sense not to make a big deal about it. I think accepting I would be read was freeing, what else was there to be worried about then. Of course there could be issues but then life is never completely unmessy.

[Sherlyn]

I've learned to chuck off whatever being read means ..I use to wig out at the slightest stare ..lol ..but you know when your out and about in guy mode take a notice how ppl stare your way ..its just the way some ppl are ...perhaps they are wondering about me .. let 'em wonder..but thats about as far as it goes ..never have had any end of the world experiences YET :D

[Fab Karen]

Assume that you'll be read. & take it from those of us who go out, most people don't care. Often you'll get less attention than if you walked around in boy-mode in a neon pink suit.
If someone is staring, obviously they're in love.:)

[lingerieLiz]

I’m not sure I want to be read, but I find this thread a great discussion. I wear fem shorts and tops including bras most of the time. It is what I like and people don’t seem to react. If it didn’t cause reactions I would probably wear dresses more. Why, I’m not sure, but I think it is just that I like the clothes feel of the fabrics, and the way I look. As far back as I can remember I have always liked women’s clothing and their look. As for being read, I think back in the 60s it was easier to pass, because people didn’t know and assumed if you were wearing a dress you were a woman. Getting caught was a different story so one had to be careful.

[susants]

i try realy hard to pass as a transgender/crossdresser person not someone to be laughed at or admired just a person who like to dress nice and feel good about it

[Eryn]

Ever since I had "the talk" with my wife we tend to (discreetly) people-watch for CDers while out and about. In several months we haven't been able to "read" anyone for certain. There are just too many GGs out there with a masculine characteristic or two for us to be totally certain of any lady's true chromosomes. If we can't tell for certain, I really doubt that the "man on the street" will be able to do better.

Even if you are read, that uncertainty will carry the day unless the reader is the aforementioned teens, children, or drunks.

Eryn

[docrobbysherry]

-------------------------------------------
The difficulty I think is to get the people who are closer, such as family members, friends, and coworkers to not be so skittish about it that they would distance themselves and stop wanting to do things with you

Someone I'll NEVER see again makes me in Vegas, Atlanta, or a gay club? Who cares? I don't! I live in SoCal.:straightface:

My daughter's teacher, a fellow Elk, a business associate, or my mother in law catching me at the local Target, Macys, or eating at Norms? THAT THOT scares the bejeebees out of me!:eek:

[suchacutie]

The thought of being singled out, stared at, looked over, smiled at, or even followed seems to be a real issue with us. Insecurity? Maybe. In the last few weeks it seems that life has been brining these thoughts to the surface...and all in drab!!!

1) My wife and I were grocery shopping. I was casually dressed, no big deal. Suddenly my wife takes my arm and we turn in a different direction. I looked at her oddly. It turns out that a woman was paying a lot of attention to me. Did I see it? Nope! Would I have recognized it had I been paying attention...probably not. Would Tina have noticed it...unfortuanately I expect she would have! Why is that? Are we really so worried about it?

2) My daughter and I had to travel a lot a couple of weekends ago...a real tour of the upper east coast. We were shopping, on trains, walking big cities. What happened? For heaven's sake, I got looked at all the time. It got to be a little freaky! I kept turning around to see someone watching me. Both genders. I started to wonder what was wrong, so I had a bit of time and I found a corner of a store to settle into just to watch. What I saw was people watching other people...constantly! Stares, smiles, and then they'd just move on.

Maybe we really need to put ourselves in context of the human race and lose our paranoia just a bit. Unless we are dressed specifically to stand out, maybe the norm is to feel ourselves being watched, and maybe we are. But I'm watched in drab too, so how could it be different for Tina? Heck, she looks a lot more attractive than my casual male self!!!!

:)

[Tasha McIntyre]

I assume that everyone who sees me knows that I am a CDer. My height and lumpy shoulders & arms are a dead giveaway but you know what....so what!!!! I present myself the best I can and dress for the surroundings to blend in rather than stand out. Maybe I'm a bit misguided, but by doing this I feel I am promoting our cause to some extent.


I can't say I've ever had a bad reaction out in public. A couple 'knowing grins' perhaps but nothing more serious than that.

Ditto.... I have never had a bad experience but have had plenty of very very positive ones.


Oh yeah, I have avoided groups of high school aged girls

Ahhhhh, I find this the best challenge. Occasionally I'll get the "OMG look at this expression from one of them", followed by a group giggle which I don't class as a bad reaction. I always hit back with a big smile, and a "hello ladies" if I am close enough. That gets them smiling and giggling some more, and gives them a lunchtime story to tell at school the next day.

Tash :)

[Billie Jean]

I'm read everytime I go out because I have a beard and I'm not going to shave it. I've only had one negative comment but many postive ones. I don't care what is said and laugh it off when I get a long stare. Billie Jean

[PretzelGirl]

You go Billie Jean!

Being read is part of the package. Very few of us don't get read (I suspect the stares at Sherlyn are the guys trying to decide if they should approach her). It is the ole' "if you act like a target, you become a target". Go out and have fun and all the reads in the world won't slow you down.

[jodylynn113]

I havent had real bad experiences with any group, but I think people often tie in being read as being seen as an outcast when being read and being accepted are very different outcomes. I for one know I would pass because I played linebacker in college and have shoulders broad enough to part a Buick. So I expect to be read however it would be nice to be accepted though

[Debb]

....
Oh yeah, I have avoided groups of high school aged girls...I put them right up there with motorcycle gangs...

Ah man, I'm in a biker gang. :-( OK not a "real" gang.

I figure on getting "read" at all times. One thing I tend to do though: I try to leave the house discreetly. My next-door neighbor has seen me, and made it very clear that she thinks I'm a pervert -- she tells her grandkids to "stay away from that guy".

[5150 Girl]

I try my best to pass, but if I don't, no biggie. I hink the more common place we make ourselves, the more common place we become. I think of it as an educational experience, if people see us acting "normal" and not personifying the negitive steriotypes pertrayed by the media, then it serves to further our cause for exceptance

[TGMarla]

I don't go out much, and the few times when I have, for the most part, I have passed rather well. One woman asked me about my hair once, thinking it was real pretty. She didn't figure out I was a man right away. I get "ma'am'd" by the casual strangers.....so I really don't know why going out gets me all twisted up like it does. One thing is that my neighbors, who have lived next door to me for over 15 years, are retired and usually home. In fact, all of my neighbors know who I am, what car I drive, and that it's only me and my wife living in our house. So if they see a strange woman driving off in my car, it wouldn't be a big stretch for them to figure out that I'm crossdressing. My wife isn't real down with it (she tolerates it at best), so I don't much want to push the envelope with her.

My own thoughts are that unless you're a complete moron, you're going to realize I'm really a guy in about two seconds flat. I admit, that bothers me. I don't want to be "that crossdressed guy over there".....I want to be seen as a woman. I'm sure it's all in my own head, and that I shouldn't be worried one bit about what other people think. But between the neighbors clocking me and the constant thought that everyone I see just has to know I'm a guy in drag, I opt to stay in most of the time.

I know being read isn't that big of a deal. But it still bothers me.

[Ash Leland]

As CDers we go out to BE seen. If not we all be home. I love the attention I get and if someone reads me and comes up to me and chats and asks question I just be the friendly girl I can be. They'll walk away with maybe a better out look on CDs.


It's also a huge thrill to talk about my fav subject....Christina LOL!!!!!

Very true.

I can get by with dressing in private, but I love being seen en femme. If I weren't so afraid of rejection, I'd do it in my hometown. First off, my crossdressing is about me- I've already said enough about how I came to terms with how I couldn't let go of it during my engagement -but other people matter. Nothing is quite as nice as being out in public. During my last few weeks at university I was out en femme almost every other day and I knew I must have been easy to read. Although now and then someone would do something really courteous....or even just normal. I really loved it when library staff would make eye contact and just do what they would do for anyone else. You're always aware of how people percieve you, but when you get the chance to interact with people in a completely ordinary way while dressed it's a very special kind of recognition. So far, I only have one friend who's willing to hang out with me while dressed, and I just moved away from her (not my choice obviously) and even though she's not my best friend, I think the fact that she doesn't mind me being dressed around her makes my relationship with her special in away that no other relationship is.

So...the prospect of being read can be intimidating, but depending on your circumstances, it may very well be worth it.

[Kaz]

Brilliant thread. This has helped me enormously because I am s**t scared of being read and laughed at... but I love being out. I just like the feeling of being around doing normal things and being accepted I guess... but not as a freak show.

There is a guy at work who has come out and now dresses as he wants and he has been accepted by most of his female colleagues.

Awesome!

[suchacutie]

Maybe the issue is more fundamental than we are making it. I'm pretty sure none of us enjoy losing...at anything. After all, how many of us would go to a casino and leave saying, "wow..it was great fun to lose all that money...let's come back and do it again some time!".

Given that, isn't it logical that after we spend all this time and energy transforming into our feminine selves we want to be successful as being seen and treated as the gender we are presenting. If we are "read", maybe the problem is nothing less than we feel that we have just "lost"!

Then, when we are dejected that we have "lost", we start to pile on all the sociological negatives associated with transgenderism, and it's a downward spiral. There have been many threads here that talk about acceptance of self and about the assumption that we will be read. Might that not be translated into, "being read is not losing!" In that context it's rather logical that suddenly it's a different mindset: not one of winning or losing, but just enjoying the moment, enjoying our feminine selves, and leaving the "game" behind.

tina

[Michelle.M]

Absolutely, we as a group make entirely too much out of being read. As soon as I decided not to care I enjoyed life more and frankly, I think I now get read less often.

Let me share a couple of funny stories. Years ago I was a Navy Master at Arms (Navy version of Military Police), and one of the stops on my beat was the Enlisted Club. One busy night my partner and I were there and Maggie, the club manager, came to us in an uproar because she had seen a man dressed as a woman enter the women's bathroom and demanded that we do something about it.

Not an unreasonable request, this was in the 80's so attitudes (particularly on a military base) were a bit different. Besides, if this person was actually disturbing the peace we had an obligation to deal with it. But so far the only peace being disturbed was Maggie's, so we watched the bathroom door expecting to see a stampede of screaming women running out.

Never happened. We watched and finally I asked Maggie "Where is this guy?" She looked at me like I had two heads. "He just walked past you!" My partner and I looked at each other and back to her. "Point him out" I said.

She pointed at the alleged offender, and my partner and I looked at her like we had never seen a woman in our lives. She was flawless! Beautiful, well-dressed, expertly made up. I turned to Maggie and said "After looking at this person I have to tell you there is absolutely no reason for either of us to interrogate her or even bother her with this. Not enough evidence for probable cause."

Maggie was stunned. "But look at her!" she yelled. "See? Look at how thick her ankles are!" Again my partner and I looked hard at the suspect. Her ankles were in no way extraordinary, and to be honest this was the first and only time in my life that I ever heard of anyone getting read for ankles. Again I told Maggie there was no reason to suspect that what she was telling us was accurate. As far as we were concerned this was a woman. Case closed.

Second story. My therapist deals with TG clients (of course) and non-TG as well, and all of her clients know this. One day a client was leaving her office as another was entering, and they passed each other coming and going. As the second patient came in and sat down, she said "You really have to talk to that last patient. She's not passing at all!". The therapist's response - "That was a natal female!"

The moral of the story - it doesn't matter how good you look, someone will read you for what they perceive to be some real or imagined shortcomings. Don't worry about it.

[Diane Meris]

I would like to "pass" better. It would mean that I achieve my goal of looking natural. Unfortunately I really don't so I don't worry about it. For me it is about the freedom of being out as myself and not worrying about what others think.

[jenna_woods]

yes I agree to bewear of high girls and the gangs. I have had no problems in public, a few knowing grins but that's all, just go out and enjoy,

[Stephenie S]

School children have no special powers. They just have nothing better to do.

A group of high school girls at the mall are doing nothing but hanging out. Almost every adult at the mall is busy living their life. Shopping, or whatever with lots of stuff on their mind. Busy, busy, busy. A group of teenagers at the mall have nothing on their mind except entertaining themselves.

That's the reason they notice you.

Stephie

[2SpeedTranny]

I find that people, at least in cities, are largely oblivious to their surroundings. They're plugged in to mp3 players and smartphones, walking along looking at the sidewalk. They'll run into you, bounce off, and probably couldn't even remember a thing about you 10 seconds later. No one looks around, behind, up.

That's why people who see odd things in the night sky are called nuts... 99% of folks never look UP.

I get noticed; I get read; no one cares. I guess that's one thing we can say about this self-absorbed cosmopolitan wasteland that is contemporary society.

[shazzauk]

Who cares about being read as long as we individually feel good about ourselves .