Got a HUGE Monkey off my back and told my wife!

[mishmam32]

Hello all,

I just wanted to share some words of encouragement to some of you who may be struggling with telling significant others. I have been married for 5 years to a wonderful woman on so many levels, she's also a terrific mother. My CDing life has been my secret this entire time until last night...I came clean!

Our relationship is strong and we have 2 beautiful kids so I wasn't worried about losing her from this, I was more concerned with her image of me, and the feeling of betrayal she would have. It turns out it was all in my head.

I have been building this up for so long I thought I would have a heart attack. Keeping something from her was driving me nuts I felt like a terrible husband, I finally felt like the secret would destroy me before the truth.

So here's what happened: We were watching tv, and the show Taboo was on, with 2 CDing stories about hetero men Cding. Before that she was watching Ru Pauls Drag Race (hillarious show). When we went to bed she was reading a book and looked at me and knew something was on my mind. She looked at me and I said "Have you ever wanted a car then noticed everybody is driving it", she said "do you want a car" then I said "no...everything we've watched tonight is about Cding, and I gotta tell you that I am one too"....Bam! just like that. Then I told her without details that I had been dressing since childhood. She knew I played around in panty hose as a child but I wasn't sure how she would take the fact that I still do. She laughed, asked if I try on her close (fat chance, she is way smaller than me) then, told me with a smile, after what we just watched, nothing shocks me. I joked that she wasn't going to come home and find me in a skirt cooking dinner, and that my secret could have stayed just that if I wanted it too. She chuckled, then went to bed, I told her I was serious and she said I know you are, smiled, kissed me and went to sleep. Her last words before falling asleep is that we were going to be drag queens for Halloween :-) I love that woman!

I'm sure more will come but what I gathered from last night was this.
- Problems are never as big as they seem
- True love defeats all craziness
- Secrets from loved ones are unhealthy
- Spare her the dressy details until she asks about them

I hope this helps someone down the line and I will keep an open thread on my progress.

Take Care,
Mish

[JamieG]

That's great! I'm glad it worked out for you. Please take it slow with your wife, and don't be surprised is sometimes she gets a little more freaked out than she was when you first told her. Hopefully this will be the first of many conversations where the two of you determine to what extent CDing fits in your lives.

[kimdl93]

what a great woman. While we know there can be bumps in the road ahead, it seems she has taken the first bit of information in stride. I have to say, my first wife and my present wife have proven to be far more accepting of my CDing than I ever was of myself.

[NicoleScott]

Great story and it looks like a positive outcome (long-term) may well result. However, Mish's words of encouragement should be balanced by words of caution: it doesn't always turn out this way.

[JohnH]

Mish,

It's probably a matter of time your wife will come home and you will be wearing a dress.

There was a spell when I normally had a dress on while I was fixing supper (my wife has an evening job). One day I had pants on, and she said, "Where is your dress?" Bear in mind my wife never wears dresses.

Take care,

Johanna

[Leyna]

Don't let go of that woman. Mish. She is a gem.

[Anne2345]

Hi Mish! I am really happy for you! The acceptance of crossdressing by one's SO is truly an amazing achievement and a testament to love. Simply telling your wife and receiving her preliminary approval, however, should not be considered the end of the road. Be prepared to educate her and assure her that Mish is not a threat to her. Cultivate and nurish her further acceptance of Mish slowly and carefully. Be aware of your wife's needs, and do not risk too much Mish too soon with your wife. Although she was receptive to you and your admission, she has had less than one day to think through this and digest it. There is much work yet to be done, but you seem to be off to a fantastic start! Good luck, and I wish you well! :)

[kendra_gurl]

Yes Yes Yes exatly what Anne just said.

My advice give it at least 2 weeks before YOU bring up the conversation again to see what happens. She may want to talk about and thats fine is she innitiates the conversation.
Second. when the time comes that she wants to see what Mishell looks like, do it right don't go parading around with hairy legs and chest in a bra and way too small pair of panties.
If she does ask to see you it will help if you play it rather shy and ask is she would help you so you will not look like a guy in a dress. Once a wife participates it almost becomes an obscession with them on how to make you passable

[AKAMichelle]

I am glad that it worked out for you. Hopefully it will continue to improve over time.

[Eryn]

I love a pleasant ending! Treat that lady well!

[ReineD]

I'm so glad it went well, for both of you! :hugs:

In the course of the next few weeks, she may have more questions. Remember that you can always invite her to join here as well, and she can also join FAB if she wants to talk to other GGs about it.

[Jill Devine]

Good for you Mish. Honesty is the best policy in a marriage. But I suppose one does need to understand that some spouses will freak out and have a negative reaction (hence the reason why so many girls stay in the closet).

But good for you. Take small steps from here onward.

[Amy Lynn3]

Great for the both of you.

[Mistybtm]

I am happy for you but watch out for the fall out. hope it all works out for both of you.

[celeste26]

So bring the "special clothes" out of the secret compartment and put them next to your regular clothes and see what her reaction is. Ask her for advice on which looks good on you. These actions might seem rather risky but in the end, it will make real the idea of you're being a CD and afterward you'll have a much better idea just how "willing" she is.

[Tanya C]

You did the right thing by telling your wife about your cding and you should feel good about that. It certainly takes a lot of courage to tell ones spouse about such a thing.
But now comes the hard part. She will likely have a lot of questions and comments about your cding, and you should be prepared to engage in open and candid conversation. She may express some fears and concerns and it'll be up to you to asuage them and put her mind to rest.
It's been suggested that you should encourage her to become a member of this forum, and I think that's a great idea. She sounds like the type of person who would be up for learning about trans lifestyles, and this the place for it.
The more information she has the better things will go, but remember that the most vital information must come from you.

I wish you both all the best.

Tanya

[jenny_geek72]

Thanks so much for sharing your story . . . I hoping to find encouragement from this story. Your story is very much like mine . . . and I'm hoping the end result is the same. I've missed opportunities to tell her and am currently trying to figure a way to have this conversation with her.

Thanks again.

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Mishell, sounds like you have an exceptional wife. Other have already cautioned to go slowly with your next moves and let your wife dictate the pace, but have you thought of a novel way to show how much you appreciate her response (preferably not CD related)?

[Mary Morgan]

I only wish to add my congratulations. You are one lucky gal. You have received a lot of good advice here and I say follow it. If you over run first base, you will probably not get to second.

[linda allen]

That's great. Please keep us updated.

[sissyjoe]

We are very happy to have wives who support us, even encourage us! You go Girl!

[celeste26]

Its always better to have this conversation before getting serious with someone. But if that isn't in the books then the way you did it is OK. For all those out there who haven't had this conversation, there is no rewards for those who dont do it.

[tabithavalentine]

Congrats! I just came out to my wife as well, although under very difference circumstances. Although she's accepting, I'm quickly learning that she really doesn't understand things. We've got a long road ahead. Hopefully your experience is less bumpy :)

[Shanine]

Congratulations. i never told my wife, we are divorced now, i dont know if my dressing worked against me subconciously. She never found out and i did not dress too much before we split. Glad you could find that honesty with your spouse.

[Jess Marie]

Mish, you had a PERFECT scenario. I don't think you could have had a better set up for that. You did a good job capitalizing on that too, because coming out randomly might not have had such a great turn out. I think I will try to lighten my SO up before I tell her with some drag show too, you are right, it is a good tv show :D hahaha. Congrats!

[mishmam32]

Thanks to all for the encouragement... Here's my latest update. SILENCE! She has not brought it up, life has gone as if nothing was ever said. It has only been a week but as prepared as I've been for continued conversation it simply has not come up. I am hesitant to bring it up but thought she would've said something by now. Question for the room: Is this normal? What should I do? Everyone has said to be patient but how long is long enough? That Monkey is creeping back up my back.

[kimdl93]

Are you sure she believed you the first time? If so, let her bring it back up. Maybe she's still digesting this.

[J'lyn GG]

From my perspective: Does she REALLY know what she is accepting? Not to say that she wouldn't be accepting, but have you told her EVERYTHING? What you wear, how often you dress, how much you spend? Has she seen you? Because this is not something most people have experience with, she may not even digest the totality of what you have told her.

IMO, she probably won't bring the subject up again. She will wait for you to bring it up. I can't really explain why, except maybe...um...idk...not understanding the whole picture, or hoping/thinking that its not all-consuming as it is? You will have to bring the subject up again and tell her EVERYTHING. I mean, about any email accts, this website, the clothes you have, what you put on when you dress, how often you dress. Stuff like that. It may not matter to her, but it might. It will definately wrap her mind around the concept.

I was okay at first, too. Until I realized what it entailed. What would happen. It was too much. In the end, he went back into the closet and I buried my head in the sand for 12 years. Until 8 months ago. Ignoring it won't make it go away, it will make it worse when it comes out again. Please, please, please do NOT take advantage of her acceptance. Ie: pink fog. (i call it the kid-in-a-candy-store reaction) Let her know that if at any time, something you do upsets her, that she needs to tell you right away. And understand, that if you start doing new things, (like shaving your legs, growing your nails, etc) it can cause resentment to build. B/c, again, she accepts the cding as is, now. But it can change if you start doing new things.

PS And if she cannot support the cding at any time down the road, it does not mean she does not accept YOU.

[Mimi]

Thanks to all for the encouragement... Here's my latest update. SILENCE! She has not brought it up, life has gone as if nothing was ever said. It has only been a week but as prepared as I've been for continued conversation it simply has not come up. I am hesitant to bring it up but thought she would've said something by now. Question for the room: Is this normal? What should I do? Everyone has said to be patient but how long is long enough? That Monkey is creeping back up my back.

She may not realize you are expecting her to say anything more, and she's waiting to see what happens next. She may not even know what her questions are until she sees what you are planning on doing, now that you've told her. Graceanne makes some good points when she says that your level of dressing, and what you've told her about your expectations are important. If you've simply told her "I like to occasionally wear women's clothes", she may be thinking, "well, okay, that's fine now and then, in the privacy of our home", and doesn't think any more action is required. If you're planning on buying forms (or wearing wig/forms in front of her) and going out in public, but you haven't shared this with her, then you should start a conversation with her something along the lines of asking her how she feels about your revelation to her, does she want to read about it, join the CD forum, etc., and start to explain what your expectations are.

[VanessaVW]

Mish,

Thanks for sharing that with us. It's great that your wife has accepted your "hobby". Take things slow as many others have said. Don't let her think that you are obsessed to the point where it's all you talk about.
Don't be surprised if she starts wearing your guy stuff, like sweats and t-shirts (happened to me), but it's fine.

[tabithavalentine]

My experience tells me it's normal for the conversations to start flowing. Baby steps, I guess.