How would you tell family that you are TG / TS?

[Jay Cee]

Sooner or later, the genie is going to be out of the lamp. I don't feel obliged to tell my family, but I will probably reveal it at some point.

Question is: how do you tell someone who lives a good distance away? My mom is in the next province over, and my dad is 3 to 4 hours away. Both are pretty conservative, so I cannot imagine it will be readily accepted. So - a phone call? Or a letter? Email could work for my dad, but my mom hasn't joined the electronic age yet.

Thanks

Jay Cee

[noeleena]

Hi. jAY .

Im wondering is the how to send it or how to write & explain. Because it sounds like your not close as in family close like does it really matter or not.

For me id rather do face to face . & thats what i did both family & friends , & others was by the media, & we all do things differenty ,

In your case id do a nice letter to both, you know the personal touch. tho i do write 1000's of posts , & it has to be that way, on our forums .

A letter is better because you can think about what your saying or even typed on the computer , tho as you say you may be wasting your time even doing that. you know your folks better than i,
any way a letter for me.

...noeleena...

[BreenaDion]

Letter is so impersonal , get what you want to say,write it down an call them. They will have questions which a letter cant answer. After the phone call you can send them pictures of yourself dressed in your new role. Hense this is what my therapist says, best to be in the present an able to answer questions than to let is sit in anger without any release. So a Phone is the best choice all around. One has to ventbut also be ready for responses. Good Luck.
Breena.

[Rianna Humble]

My situation is slightly different to yours as I live with my 89 year old father so I had to have a serious conversation with him before I went very far at all.

Even when we think we know our parents and family, we can sometimes be pleasantly surprised by their reactions, I found when telling my father that the sticky about telling an SO helped me to prepare and I also went to great lengths to explain that he had done nothing wrong and this is no reflection on him at all.

Once I was ready to begin my RLE, I told my brother who lives about 1.5 hours away in person, but told my nice and Nephew on his side by telephone. With my brother and his (grown up) children, I made it a matter of fact discussion that I have a medically recognised condition known as Gender Dysphoria and this is what is happening.

My dad accidentally told my other brother who lives in Canada before I was ready so then I had to make a follow-up call to see if he and his wife were OK with it. As I was due to see them at their daughter's wedding, I promised to talk about it with them after the event but in the end they were not ready to discuss it. I did not present as Rianna at the wedding because I did not want to upset the big day. I still have not discussed it with Colin, but he has told his children and they have requested to become my friend on facebook. Recently Colin's wife Pat did the same thing so I think they are coming around slowly to accepting me.

As noeleena has said we are all different, but it is certainly worth at least drafting it as a letter to help you to marshal your thoughts. You might then decide that you would rather be in a position to answer their questions immediately either face to face or on the phone, or you might feel having written it as a letter that this would be the best way to break the news. I'm sorry if this doesn't seem a lot of help, but only you can finally decide which way you feel would be best.

Whichever way you decide, we will be rooting for you :bighug:

[Jorja]

Well, you could gather everyone for a dinner and stand up and say, I am now a girl, deal with it! :D

I preferred to tell them face to face when I could. A couple of my family members were over seas at the time and there was no way I could just go tell them so I wrote a letter to them. I told them I would remain open to any conversation or criticism they had and would discuss it with them at their convenience.

[Gerrijerry]

No letters no phone calls. If you care enough to tell them then do so in person. Somethings need to be face to face.

[Christy_M]

My older sister is graduating from college in a few weeks (she's 48) and I plan to have a discussion with everyone individually while I am there. this will cover 80 percent of my list of people who will hear it from me and then I will have to tell my grown children before they hear it from someone else...I am still working thorugh the discussion in my head but the information available from all your experiences will guide me, both "dos" and "don'ts"

[AKAMichelle]

I told my father by email and mother by a phone call. I have to say that the phone call went better, but that may very well might be because I am closer to my mom.

[Inna]

Hi Jay Cee, in my case I have revealed my secrets face to face. One of the hardest things I have done. For past 3 years I was trying to reveal little by little simple clues so that loved ones would somehow get the idea, eased and cushioned. Not really, shock is a shock, but one criteria remains the same. If their love towards you is pure and unconditional, they will be on your side aether immediately or soon after, for those who carry burden of their own evil and guilt, they might seem to cast you out, but what really happens, they them selves are faced with keeping their secrets and not wanting to deal with their pain, they rather put you aside. Sad but true, believe me I know. Go to my website, which have been constructed just with such support in mind and perhaps you will find some avenue to convey the message. It never is easy but truth sets us all free and the feeling is heavenly :)
www.transwoman.net

[Aprilrain]

Personally, I feel that this should be told to immediate family in person. Borrow a car if you don't have one or buy a Greyhound ticket (super cheap).

[Sophora]

Personally, I feel that this should be told to immediate family in person. Borrow a car if you don't have one or buy a Greyhound ticket (super cheap).

This is exactly what I plan to do when the time comes for me to tell my family. My mom and dad live in PA while I am in WI. I would like to see their expressions and be able to answer questions they had at that time. I would also like to show them how good I look. However I am not going to tell them until I am on the hormones.

[Sejd]

I think you need to make the trip and tell them face to face. Hope you find what works for you.
hugs, and good luck
Sejd

[Jay Cee]

I could tell my dad in person, I suppose.

My mom? 1500 miles away, or about 24 hours solid of driving? Hmmm - maybe when I am in the area next. Might be a couple of years or so.

[morgan51]

I too beleive that I must do it in person so they may ask what they want and I can answer face to face. Good luck to you in this big step. Hugs

[Kelsy]

It's interesting to hear the different opinions on breeching the subject. My Therapist and I have been discussing coming out issues
and have settled on a letter for these reasons, First the initial reactions are emotional and can be unpredictable and
uncontrollable Second the letter allows a calm, complete and clear explaination of the situation. The letter offers direction to resources,
life history, and reasoning with the promise of develing into the subject at length in person. There is no way to avoid the personal
but there is an opportunity to educate going in.

My situation demands this approach because I will have to move and find a life elsewhere gauranteed

[Kaz]

Put yourself into their shoes and imagine/live the experience you are proposing - does it feel right?

We tend to approach these things from what what we want to say.. not what they need to hear.

Put yourself in the receiver's mode and work through what is the best approach. If you want a good result, you will do what works best for them.

[Maddie22]

This is an excellent question, one of which I'm always wondering myself when the time comes, what is the best method to come out to family members. I'm not sure if face to face would be the right method for every situation. Like Kelsy stated, a letter can give more information, it allows the sender to be more decisive in what they say.

I think it is good to talk to other people that you have came out too, such as friends or counselors, and get their feedback. Make a good plan of action of what will be the best way to come out to your family.

[Kelsy]

a letter can give more information, it allows the sender to be more decisive in what they say.
I think it is good to talk to other people that you have came out too, such as friends or counselors, and get their feedback. Make a good plan of action of what will be the best way to come out to your family.

Becca,
A letter does not mean that one excludes the person to person contact all it does is give the extreme emotional reactions time to subside some before that contact. My therapist and I believe my best approach is to deliver the letter in person and ask them to read it when they can. We discussed not using transsexual in the letter because society in general has a dim view of the word but I am also including a copy of the book True Selves with each letter. Even with that information I am asking that the tenth chapter be read first and I have highlighted key portions of the book that I srongly relate to.

Where I live All I need to do is to come out to one person and the whole community will know which in my buisness
will make it impossible to earn a living and I may have to move away. It also may mean that my wife will be forced to
take sides because she has a thriving buisness of her own and a large friend base that I do not want to overly disrupt
She has been trying to put the brakes on very hard in the last few weeks! She is tired of the secret as well and has been
near telling friends and wants to tell family and ultimately wants to be married to a man not a woman.

[Allyson Michelle]

well honestly, conservatism is not an automatic death sentence when you come out. My family is very right winged, but they are my family and love me no matter what I do with my life. They might not agree with it or understand it, but they can accept it. With that being said, I know that this is usually not the case when coming out, but if you are ever to live a happy life, they are going to have to know. What I did was wrote a letter explaining my feelings as best i could. That way, the initial shock on your loved one is not taken out on you. If it does piss them off, you won't be there to be on the receiving end of verbal or physical abuse. They have time to cool until the next time they see you.