My Boyfriend recently told me that he is a crossdresser

[Sara99]

Hi

Please go easy on me as writing this post isn't going to be easy for me. A few weeks ago my boyfriend Scott told me that he likes to crossdress. It's something that took me totally by surprise and well in truth is something that I'm struggling to come to terms with. We've been dating since July 2009, so almost 2 years now, I am 25 and he is 27 next month. Our relationship is very serious, and we recently moved in together. No plans for us to get married just yet, and neither of us have any children.

I love Scott so much, and I know that he loves me. He is a very caring loving guy, so affectionate and sensitive but also a little insecure. I know he is 100% committed to me but it took me a long time to convince him that I was just as committed to him. He's been hurt in the past by girls who have cheated on him and he was scared that I would do the same. I know this because it was something that caused arguments earlier on in our relationship and was frustrating for me because I felt like I was often been accused of something I would never do (cheat on him). Thankfully we overcome his worries and our relationship became so much stronger for it.

So a few months back we moved in together. Both of us had never lived with a partner before so it was something that was a big step for us and we both felt a little nervous and excited at the same time. We didn't have to worry though. Moving in was the best decision we made and its been wonderful.

I remember the night he told me like it was yesterday. It was a weekend and we had both been out in the evening with another couple who are close friends of ours. Scott was really quiet when we were out and it wasn't hard to see that something wasn't right with him. Our friends noticed and commented on it but I couldn't tell them what was wrong as I had no idea. On our way home I asked Scott and he said nothing was wrong. I couldn't accept that so we ended up arguing. I said that Paul and Sophie (the couple we were out with) noticed it and asked me whether he was ok, so that proved that I wasn't just imagining it. Scott just went really quiet. So now all kinds of thoughts were running through my mind. We didn't speak for the rest of our journey home, which lasted about 30 minutes but felt like it lasted forever.

One thought that I couldn't shake off during that time was that Scott was going to leave me. I don't know why I thought that, probably because I'd had a few drinks so wasn't really thinking straight. So when we got home I just blurted it out and asked him if it was me and if he was still happy in our relationship. He grabbed hold of me and told me that it wasn't that at all and that he was really happy with me. He then started crying.

I didn't know what was wrong with him but seeing him like that was just so upsetting for me. We both sat down and I begged him to tell me what was wrong. He was shaking and I felt so scared. Then he told me that he is a crossdresser. Then I did something I'm so ashamed of. I let out a little laugh. Scott got really upset and said that he knew that was how I'd react and stormed off into the bedroom.

I sat there for a while, not knowing what to think, but knew that I'd upset him. I knew my reaction was wrong, but I couldn't help it. I didn't mean to laugh, it just happened. I went into the bedroom and Scott was already in bed so I got in and gave him a cuddle and said let's talk about it. And we did. At least we tried. He was so nervous and was mumbling and I couldn't help but think that he felt ashamed, and this just made me want to grab hold of him and squeeze him so hard. I didn't want my Scott to feel like that. I hated seeing him like that. I told him that I loved him so much and said that its going to be ok. I then asked him if he had any stuff in our flat and he said he had, and I laughed again saying where are you hiding it? It was in a bag that he kept inside one of the suitcases that we had on top of the wardrobe. So I asked him to show me.

I have to honestly say that the clothes and underwear he showed me were really nice. We are both really slim although Scott is taller than me and I joked to him that I wouldn't mind borrowing some of his stuff. I asked him if he wore any of mine and he said that he had. I asked which, and then said go on then, show me. Put something on. He chose a halter-neck blue dress I have and put it on. I laughed again but in a good way and thought to myself "this isn't so bad, it's acutally kind of fun". And he didn't look bad at all. In fact, it looked quite good on him, and me thinking this took me completely by surprise.

The next few days were interesting. Scott didn't dress up during this time, if anything, he didn't really talk about it much. Well, not at all really. I didn't either. The few drinks we had on that Saturday night released our inhibitions, and in the cold light of day it just seemed something difficult to bring up in conversation. It wasn't until the following weekend that it came up again. And again after we'd had a few drinks together while staying in on friday night. I asked Scott to put a fashion show for me. It actually turned into a fashion show for both of us, as we chose clothes for eachother and tried on some of eachothers. It was great fun and I said that we should go shopping the day after.

That's when it started to take a turn for the worse for me. While out shopping, Scott was really quiet and the whole shopping thing wasn't really that much fun. The night before in the safety of our own flat and after a few drinks neither of us had any inhibitions. But in the shops Scott said he felt really self-conscious. I told him he was being silly and that no one else was even looking at us. It wasn't like he was actually trying anything on or anything. To everyone else it would have just looked like we were both shopping for me. This was the first time I noticed a change in Scott. And the thought crossed my mind that the whole crossdressing thing may only be fun if we'd both had a few drinks. That worried me.

A few days later we were in our flat watching TV and Scott asked me if I'd mind if he dressed. I said I didn't mind at all. He came back in the living room wearing a long black skirt and cowl top and sat down on the sofa. But we were both really quiet. We are normally really affectionate with eachother, and always cuddled up on the sofa in the evening when watching TV, but this time, when he was dressed I didn't feel comfortable doing that. Something just didn't feel right. For the first time, seeing Scott dressed like that, it didn't feel like it was just "Scott in a dress". It felt like I was sitting next to a different person. I said to myself "stop being silly it's only clothes" but I couldn't shake that thought. I felt that to Scott it wasn't just clothes, it was a lot more than that. And it made me feel uncomfortable.

Since then I've never stopped Scott from dressing but I've never encouraged it either. The feelings of it being fun for me were no longer there. I keep telling myself that I'm being silly, but every time Scott dresses, I feel distanced from him. Whenever he dresses I dont get a cuddle. Whenever he dresses he isn't as talkative. And because affection and conversation is something that I enjoy and crave so much from our relationship, and his dressing is getting in the way of that, I no longer want him to dress. I love him so much but when he dresses it feels like he is like a different person. It now almost feels like there are three people in our relationship and I only want two.

Im sorry for the length of my post, but this is really getting me down and I wanted to express the best way I could in the hope that someone can help me deal with this. I found this site yesterday and have read some posts before writing this. I just dont know what to do anymore. Please help me.

Sara xx

[Shari]

Hi Sara.
I sense a bit of selfishness in Scott, like he's going to do this with or without your approval. It's almost as if he's decided he's going to come first this time, given his other failed relationships.

You have to communicate or things will only get worse. Do it without the alcohol this time.

And quit beating yourself up.
Hey, if you don't like something, then that's what it is, whether he likes the answer or not.
He has to know that he's not the only one in your relationship and it doesn't revolve around his wishes only.

[Rianna Humble]

Firstly, Sara, :welcom: to crossdressers.com you have come to the right place to find support and understanding as well as information.

Please don't feel ashamed of anything in the way that you reacted to the unexpected news that your boyfriend cross-dresses. You were expecting something much worse and laughter is a natural way to release tension when you find out the situation is not as bad as you had feared.

I am glad that you had a really positive reaction to the news and that (at least initially) you enjoyed seeing him dressed. I'm sorry that the shopping trip did not go as well as you had planned, but I believe that Scott's nervousness is a sign that he is still having difficulty accepting who he is and what this might mean in your relationship. Neither of you is to blame for this.

Unfortunately, Scott's nervousness is now having a negative impact on how you feel about him dressing and this is something that needs to be brought out in conversation. The very fact that you have come here looking for help and advice proves that you are willing to understand, but you both need to express your feelings to each other. In Scott's case, he has probably spent so much of his life feeling guilty about the fact that he has this extra dimension to his personality that it will be difficult at first for him to talk about it openly.

Usually, we need to caution the cross-dresser to take things slowly, but here it looks like you both need to slow down a little until you find your own comfort levels together.

Thank you for posting, I am sure that you love for Scott will carry you through this time.

[Sara99]

Hi Shari

Thank you for replying to my post.

It's not that I don't like it, it's just that I don't like the change in Scott when he dresses. The first two times we both had fun with it (after having a few drinks) and I really did enjoy it. The other times since then it almost feels like Scott is holding back like he becomes more introverted. It's really hard to explain but he doesnt feel approachable and he isn't talkative. In a way its like he goes into his own world and is just happy that he is dressed and that is enough for him. It makes me feel as though when he's dressed he would be just as happy whether I was there or not. If it didn't feel that way then Id have no problem with him dressing at all.

I know I have to communicate with him, but I feel that what I say would be taken the wrong way, as though its a rejection of his dressing. It isn't. It's a rejection of his attitude towards me when he dresses. When he isn't dressed he's just so adorable and affectionate and we can chat the night away. I just wish it was the same way when he is dressed.

xx

[Joanne f]

Hello Sara,
well the reactions from both of you are about right in many case`s , anxiety from the CD who wants to tell but feels ashamed and worried what the reaction might be, the shock and disbelief from the SO when there has been no hint of it before , the talking to come to some sort of understanding and agreement with it and then the trial run which can be quite a shock to deal with from both sides.
You are both being honest with each other about your feelings and there has been a setback in how you hoped things would go and it will no doubt take a little while for you both to get over that , you will now be wondering what he is doing and why and he will be wondering what you think of him now and that will put you both on edge and CDers are inclined to get very moody for the slightest thing once they feel that their manhood has been tarnished so do not be surprised with the mood swings , the only thing you can do for now is to wait a little while then talk about it when you are both happy to do so as i am sure that there are a lot of questions you would like to ask but you may not understand this there are some questions that the CDer will not have an answer to even some of us that have been doing it for a very long time still do not know all the answers as to why we do it .

[KitCat]

Hi Sara
Good job finding this forum and sharing some pretty big stuff that is very new to you. I am no sage but I will say that you both have a lot to do. Remember nobody has exactly the same experience in life so there is no perfect road map to follow its a lot of following your heart and observing for the clues. Is it all him or all you probably neither. There is a lot of shame and self doubt and feeling very alone in the hiding part of dressing before you tell anyone. He will need to get past that and begin to accept that its ok for him and you. those feelings can be very difficult to leave behind if they have been there most of his life. Does he belong to this forum? there are thousands of threads here on these topics and you both might gain some comfort in reading what others have said and done not as a plan but as a guide. Again good job ask lots of questions get involved and do your best share the burden if its all on one sided its no good. You are wonderful for accepting so far it will get better. My wife of over 20 years would barely give me a kiss at first. How could she when she barely recognized this new person on the outside. (even though the soft gooey center was the same)
best of luck!
Cat

[Sara99]

Hi Rianna

Im sitting here crying after reading your post. Especially after reading what you said about Scotts nervousness and him feeling guilty. I never even considered that could be the reason why he holds back from me when hes dressed. I so dont want him to feel nervous about this with me. I just want him to be the way he is with me every time he isnt dressed. He really is so affectionate and I love this about him so much and I miss it when he isnt like that. Maybe thats my fault. Scott is the assertive one in our relationship but when hes dressed do you think that maybe I should make the first move? To show him that I am accepting and help him get over his nervousness or guilt?

Can I ask you a question? I really dont know much about the whole issue of crossdressing. I understand the nervousness side, but why feelings of guilt? I never even considered that is one thing for crossdressers to overcome and would really like to learn more about it so that it can help me in maybe understanding what Scott has had to go through.

Reading your post has made me want to just grab hold of Scott when he gets home tonight after work, give him a big cuddle and say that everything is ok. It will be ok wont it? I really hope it will be.

xx

[Violetgray]

Hmm.. A couple of thing to consider here..

You are probably the first person he's ever come out to. Please understand how major that is. A HUGE step, hence the crying and stammering. There are many things that he's learned from birth that men are not supposed to do that women take for granted. Like shopping for himself in the women's department. That is another huge step, and it sounds like one that was taken before he was ready. A trans person was beaten badly in public just last week. If he's being a little distant while dressed up it's most likely because he's not comfortable yet. You might be thinking to yourself, "Well he knows I love him, so what's the big deal?" But what you're up against is 27 years of social conditioning.

It's going to take TIME. It will need to be helped along by honest dialog. I think the main issue is that he is still not comfortable with him. Expanding this aspect of himself outside himself to another person is like a hermit having to rejoin society after so many years.

Here are a few things to consider:

1.) You want to be accommodating, but you CAN set your own boundaries too. Sometimes excepting crossdressing can "Open the Floodgates" so to speak and they'll dive headlong into it. Just remember that you have rights too, and if something makes you uncomfortable, say so. Also, if his girl self doesn't turn you on then it doesn't, maybe that just won't be frisky time. Plenty of couples have that.

2.) Not all crossdressers are transsexuals, but many start out that way. If so, that's a whole different ballgame. It could be that he's just a crossdresser, and the "Big Deal" is just him sharing his whole self with another person. Don't want to scare, you just saying that you'll both need to know exactly where you stand.

3.) Saying to him, "Don't dress anymore" might be a BAD thing. But you might want to ask him why it is when he's dressed he acts that way. Or the next time he dresses and he's all sullen, "What are you feeling right now? " I don't know maybe.

Anyway, talk talk talk, that is the most important thing. Being open minded as supportive as you are being right now is a more encouraging thing than many cd's can even dream of. Some keep this from their significant other's for 20 years or more.

[Kate Simmons]

Ask Scott how dressing makes him feel and tell him to be honest. This is the beginning of understanding. CDing is a process but can take on a life of it's own if not controlled. It's really about deep feelings. Problem is, sharing those feelings with others, especially those close to us is sometimes very difficult. In the end it's about who we are as a person not what we are. I wish you both the best.:)

[Sara99]

Hi Cat

I dont think he belongs to this forum. I honestly dont know. Im a little scared that if we do both come here and he sees my post that he wouldnt like it that Ive written it. Since he told me, Ive not talked about this to anyone. I understand that it isnt my place to tell anyone about Scotts crossdressing. Only Scott can make that decision. But then that makes it impossible for me to talk to my close friends about how Im feeling. To get things off my chest and have a shoulder to cry on. Its made me feel like Im alone in having to deal with this, so I appreciate so much the replies Ive had from all of you so far.

Joanne f, I'd also like to thank you for your reply. Hearing words like anxiety, and understanding more about what a crossdresser goes through emotionally just makes me feel sad. For all of you. And for Scott. Can I give you a big hug?!

I have so many questions. Reading some of the posts here, Ive read that in a lot of cases the first response to finding out someone crossdresses is are they gay? That never even crossed my mind when Scott told me. Just because he likes to dress as a woman doesnt mean that he wants to be with a man. I know he wants to be with me. In Scotts case, I want to know if he wants to just dress in the flat, or if he wants to go out dressed. What compels him to dress. How it makes him feel. I want to be supportive. At the moment, I just dont feel able to talk to him about it, so youre probably right, I will have to wait a while and then talk. Ive thought about us both going out for an evening, having a few drinks and then talking about it, about my own fears his own fears, but I dont want this to only be something that we can talk about when weve had a drink. I want us both to have a clear head, and for us both to be able to talk about it when we haven't had anything to drink.

[kristinacd55]

Hi Sara, and welcome first of all! Your post was excellent, and points out what a lot of couples here are going through. I'll read a post from a CD saying I told my SO and it was WONDERFUL!! Then in the next day or 2, ruh roh, perhaps NOT so wonderful. People need to take things nice and slow. It's a huge adjustment for both of you, and hopefully you can work it out. My wife has known for 4 1/2 years now, and we're still working on it. I don't think she'll ever be comfortable being around me dressed, so I hardly ever am around her. You'll find that the person beneath the dressing is the reason you were attracted in the first place.

[Rianna Humble]

I think that Violet has summed up fairly well why Scott would feel guilty about having this added dimension to his personality because for the last 27 years he has been conditioned to believe that "real men" don't do this.

As for giving him a big cuddle when he gets in, that has got to be a good idea at any time - even without mentioning the cross-dressing. With your positive attitude and the love that you two share, I am sure that it will turn out OK.

Most cross-dressers spend their lives hiding their feelings about cross-dressing so it will take a while for him to really understand that you love all of him and that he can be natural with you.

Violet is also right when she says that if something makes you uncomfortable when Scott is cross-dressing it is OK for you to express that. It is very important for you to both discuss what you feel, perhaps when you have given him the big hug you could bring up the fact that you sense he is still not feeling relaxed about being dressed with you and ask him what he is feeling at those times. Please be prepared for him to find difficulty articulating feelings that he has spent his whole life repressing.

The thing that will bring you both through these difficulties is the love that you share and which shines out from every word you have written.

[Sara99]

Hi Violet

I asked Scott if he had told anyone else and he said he hasn't. I will try to understand how major that is for him. Do you think I should ask him whether he feels totally comfortable with expressing this side in front of me? That thought didnt cross my mind. I was comfortable with him to begin with, but this changed like I said in my first post, so is it like that the reason I no longer feel comfortable is because his own lack of comfort is rubbing off on me?

[kristinacd55]

Hi Violet

I asked Scott if he had told anyone else and he said he hasn't. I will try to understand how major that is for him. Do you think I should ask him whether he feels totally comfortable with expressing this side in front of me? That thought didnt cross my mind. I was comfortable with him to begin with, but this changed like I said in my first post, so is it like that the reason I no longer feel comfortable is because his own lack of comfort is rubbing off on me?

The comfort level for both of you has been changed for sure. Takes time to come to grips with it.

[Tina B.]

Being a crossdresser in this society has always been a hard chore, we are taught as small boys to man up, don't cry and don't act like a wimp. Well that just is not who we are. Along with wearing womens clothing, many of us have what we like to think of as a softer side. I won't even watch certain movies in public, because they make me cry like a little girl, and that's just not manly. But that's the problem, we spend a childhood being told to act manly, then we grow up and want, or need to be something entirely different, You might be surprised at how many relationships crossdressing has destroyed due to lack of understanding, on both sides. It takes most of us many years to except ourselves, and until we do it's hard to accept acceptance from others. Standoffish, probably not, scared, and insecure, not knowing for sure if you still see him as your man. Be patient, let him know what you like, and don't like, and in time things will get much better I would think. We found in my home, love really does conquer all!
Tina B.

[Steph.TS]

you mentioned that he's sensitive, and that he's been hurt in the past, and he's a bit insecure, well he's opened up and it's a topic that I think given any other circumstance he would have left it hidden, I think he's still unsure of the situation much like you are. you could ask him next time he's dressed (and sober) to talk or cuddle, watch a nice movie or something, invite that closeness while he's dressed and that might make him feel more accepted. it seems to me that he's in a bit of an awkward place with his crossdressing, maybe he's had a bad experience with past GF's/family/friends rejecting him for this and this has his guard up.

the other thing is (I can't gauge how likely this is) you mentioned when he's dress he seems like a totally different person it might just be nerves like I said earlier if that's the case ignore what I'm about to say, he might be TS, trying to express his inner femininity. either way I think a nice calm friendly talk let him feel comfortable and be open with each other hopefully things will be at a point where he can dress and show you affection at the same time, and the relationship can grow stronger.

[Josie M]

I was going to make a post along the lines of what Violet posted, but I don't think I could say it any better than she did. Your experience is reminiscent of when I came out to my long-time girlfriend. I knew our relationship was at a point where I wanted her to be part of my life and this is something she had to know. Problem was, I had just come to grips with it myself. I can't tell you how tough it was to tell her about Josie, but I did it because that's how important she was to me.

Sounds like he's still coming to terms with it so, like Violet said, keep communication open and don't be afraid to set the boundaries you need to set.

As for my girlfriend; she eventually became my wife and we've been married for over 10 years. :)

[Sara99]

Hi kristina

I hope we can work it out, and the messages I've received in this thread have helped me a lot in understanding this, especially in trying to understand it from Scott's side of things. I so want to understand it, and I would accept it without any problem if Scott acted towards me exactly the same way as he does when he isn't dressed. I realise, from what you've all said, that this will take time. I want us both to find the comfort level. It is good to know from you that it is ok for me to say when I don't feel comfortable.

I will give Scott that big hug when he gets home from work today. I was thinking, in light of what you've all said, of maybe going out this afternoon and buying him something nice to give to him as a present when he gets home. Anything that will hopefully make him feel more comfortable in himself towards me. Do you think that is a good idea?

Hi Steph

I am going to ask him for that cuddle next time he's dressed. I am also going to ask him lots of questions, but I don't want to feel as though I am pressurising him. In respect to your comment about it may be that he is TS, by that you mean he wants to be a woman full-time? I hope that isn't the case, because then I would be scared that I would lose him for good. Would you mind if I shared some of his responses here, and perhaps you could gauge from that whether Scott is TS or not?

[kristinacd55]

I will give Scott that big hug when he gets home from work today. I was thinking, in light of what you've all said, of maybe going out this afternoon and buying him something nice to give to him as a present when he gets home. Anything that will hopefully make him feel more comfortable in himself towards me. Do you think that is a good idea?

A big hug yes...don't know about buying anything....yet! :) Also, does he have a girl name, as you can see most of us do

It's not a requirement for sure! lol

[Sara99]

I don't know if he has a girl name or not. Honestly, I've not even thought of asking him that.

[deebra]

Sara I think I know why he is not as warm, touchy and talkative. He's feeling a lot of unsertanity and guilt about giving up his manhood and entering the weaker female role. He's embarassed about doing this to himself and in front of you, even though the need and desire is there and keeps returning for him to dress. Donot embarass, make fun or laugh at him, but be cool, calm and accepting of his need to dress. Definately keep this personal, you donot have to share this with your girlfriends, it would betray him and put cancer in your relationship. Tell him this is just another step that goes along with his soft, gentle affectionate personality that you love so much about him and women are allowed to express this and in our society men aren't, so you can see where it makes perfect sence for him to enter this new area and enjoy what women are allowed to do including the softness that female clothing represent. Since taking it slow and building his confidence and acceptance is important you might suggest that he start underdressing most of the time and you really enjoy this new found intimacy of sharing fem clothing with him and you like him in it. This will do wonders for his acceptance, confidence and getting rid of the guilt. Believe it or not this could evolve into an even closer closeness between the two of you in this relationship.

[DAVIDA]

Hi Sara!
I will not even try to tell you what to do.
All I can do is relate what I have been through.
My wife was the first person that I ever told. This was before we were married.
I was the insecure one. I was the one that had the self doubts.
It was Jean that helped me to get over the "why" and understand that it "just is"!
Unlike some of the members on here, I didn't ask to be like this and I just didn't understand why I was.
Now, I know that there isn't an explanation. This can be tough to get a grip on.

Being un-accepting of yourself makes it tough to expect anyone else to.
BTW, we are in our 21st year of marriage!
Hang in there!
There are some very smart people on this forum.
Even with the help of Jean, I was helped out tremendously from some of the members when I joined.

[Sara99]

Hi deebra

I definately won't say anything to my girlfriends about this. It's not my place to do that, no matter how much I may need to talk about it. And talking about it here has helped me so much. Your words about this being another step, I will definately say that to him. I hope you are right, I hope it does make us even closer. My worry at this time is that it's coming between us, and that is definately not what I want.

[deebra]

Sara, having experienced what he's feeling I think if you do what I said you will remove the division real,real quick

[darla_g]

Hi Sara, and welcome. I don't agree with Shari on this. I don't think Scott has been selfish i am sure if anything he is more concerned about your reaction is. Maybe that is why he pulled back a bit. It sounds like you are pretty understanding and somewhat accepting. I am pretty sure this is something that he has done for a while so its not like he is putting himself first its just difficult to totally suppress these feelings.

I think this is all about both of you finding your personal comfort level. and the only way you will achieve this is to talk about it. Does he know you joined this web site? if he did that would show him what a huge step you made for him.

i think the things you like about him, sensitive and caring are part of his nature as is his dressing. if you love him it will all come naturally to you

BTW a lot of good advice in here from a variety of people. Take it all in with a grain of salt. some of it may not apply but everyone's experience is slightly different.

[Momarie]

Hi Sara99.
Welcome.
We also have a private forum for natural women on here....called FAB
You need 2 more posts to qualify (for a total of ten).
It's easy to join.
For now, I would just read and read and read as much as possible on here where you have access.
You will learn a lot and gain insight on how to cope. Education is key.
Then when you have access to GIRLTALK, you can read our stories and struggles too.

Your instincts are very good, trust them.
Just remember to love and care for yourself as much as him.

[AKAMichelle]

Scott took a very big step when he told you. That is the hardest thing to tell someone else. He has dealt with this for a long time and guilt has been a very big part of that. He hasn't relaxed yet since telling you and that is causing the quiet time. He feels that you are 100% accepting so he withdraws. It will take some time to pull him out of the closet the rest of the way. Part of the help that he needs is you and that isn't going to be easy. Your space feels invaded and like a competition for his affection and time has begun. There is no competition but it is normal for women to feel that way at first. Just like it is normal for Scott to feel ashamed and guilty for being this way.

My wife didn't accept at first and it took almost 3 years before she did. It took her a long time to understand how deep this was inside of me, but the key to final acceptance and peace is Scott to find balance. It sounds like there are a lot of questions that still haven't been asked. Like when it started, how does he feel when dressed, does he want to transition. Those questions when met with understanding will allow him to address his fears and begin to find balance. Balance is a uniqe thing. It is when you find that you feel the same way regardless of the clothes that you are wearing. It is the blending of both sides into one. Those things have been there all along. How gentle, loving, caring are part of the picture. You just have to see how everything fits together to make him. The man / woman that you fell in love with. Part of him is female and the other part is male. You are lucky because if you both get through this you will end up with a girlfriend / boyfriend / best friend all in one package. I know it is scary, but get him to finish opening up with you. Talking while he is dressed will help to break through the wall that goes up when he is dressed.

You can do this. He is still the man that you fell in love with. You just need to understand everything that makes him tick and help guide him into the point where he accepts himself. He still feels guilty and letting you know about her has probably made it worse since both of you don't talk while he is dressed.

I hope both of you can talk a lot in the coming weeks and start finding some answers. Good luck to you both.


I don't know if he has a girl name or not. Honestly, I've not even thought of asking him that.

Maybe you can help him pick one. That is a big step to showing that you accept him / her.

[Sara99]

Your space feels invaded and like a competition for his affection and time has begun

------------

Hi Michelle. What you said there is exactly how I feel. I don't want to feel as though Im competing with his dressing, I want to feel a part of it. It felt that way at first and I liked it. It was fun and I do think he looks good. I just want him to feel and act in exactly the same way when he is dressed up as he does when he isnt. I hope that doesn't sound selfish of me, and I do worry that he may not be able to help acting differently towards me when he is presenting himself differently (as in as a girl). Kind of like that is his girl personality. I hope Im explaining that right and that you know what I mean by that. This is all new to me and I do have to learn so much.

I hope he doesn't want to become a woman full time. Steph mentioned that possibility earlier and is something that I hadn't really thought about. I guess we do have a lot of talking to do and only then will I be able to understand completely. All I know is that I love him so much and I know I have no problem accepting it, but I want Scott to meet me halfway and because he kind of almost closes down when he is dressed I dont feel like I am getting that. I need the attention from him, his affection and love and I want that when he is dressed and when he isn't. I hope that doesn't make me sound selfish and I now know thanks to the replies and understanding I've had in this thread from all of you that I need to give him time to be able to feel completely comfortable with expressing this side of him towards another person (me).

JamieTG's SO, thank you for pointing out the private forum. I would love to chat to other women and read the stories and struggles you've had to deal with.

And darla, thank you also for your message. Scott doesn't know I've joined this forum and I feel a little scared to tell him because I dont know how he'd feel about me talking about this with other people. I just dont want to upset him. But I did need so much to talk about this with others and get it off my chest and Im glad that I did join. Everything what everyone has said means so much to me and has able me try and understand it from his perspective.

[J'lyn GG]

First, I'm going to say that I didn't read all of the responses to your post, so I may repeat some things.

Where do I start? I also feel like there is a third person in my marriage. T tells me its him, but then wants me to call him Rebecca. Doesn't make sense. He acts differently.

I don't feel comfortable w/ any intimacy while he is dressed. So, therefore, I hate when he dresses b/c I lose my husband for an entire day. (i'm a stay at home mom to 4 kids, so thats a big deal) While my heart knows I am more important than the dressing, my head tells me that he is choosing dressing over cuddling w/ me.

Many women who are completely accepting change from day to day how they feel about it. I can vary from minute to minute.

If he just told u a few weeks ago, and he has dressed several times, maybe he needs to slow down. You need to explain how you feel. My feeling is that he is uncomfortable w/himself, which is why he becomes so quiet. T and I sat down and compromised a list of ground rules. They included all sensitive areas. (if u would like to know what they were, pm me. I will not post them here) It did include how many times the dressing would be appropriate for our family and us, as a couple. We used them for a few months, then they changed slightly. (more unwritten, though)

You're already much further than me, as I also have self-esteem issues and I am already dealing w/PPD. (post pardum depression)

Most women go thru the same feelings that you are right now. Don't let anyone tell you that if you love him, then you should accept him as is. You can love him and accept who he is and still be uncomfortable with the cding. You are a loving woman who is trying to be okay with something you probably never even thought about before. That takes courage in itself. Our counselor reminds me how much courage it takes. There are alot of women who would leave, instead af facing the challenge. You may even want to think about counseling, if just to act as mediator for discussions. Good luck to you. Try to get 10 posts so you can join the FAB forum. (i know exactly how hard it was for you to post this. I was there not long ago and it took me 2 months to post my first one)

[JulieK1980]

I think getting onto that private FAB forum here would be a great first step for you. There are so many amazing and intelligent women here, and so many of them have gone through the same thing as you. Having someone to talk to, that understands what you are going through is a priceless commodity in my opinion.

It sounds like you two have a very strong and healthy relationship, and I strongly suspect you'll do fine together. It takes a lot of time and communication to fully come to terms with crossdressing. The best thing I can say is don't rush it. Take your time, as it's difficult for both of you. If he's like a lot of us, he's been doing it since he was very young, and has spent the better part of his life trying to hide it from the rest of the world. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to "come out." That is probably why he seems so different when he's dressed. I know for me, it was very nerve shattering for another person to see me dressed for the first time. It was even more difficult when it was someone I loved. There is a large amount of fear that the person will not accept, or see you differently, or worse, the fear they will no longer want to be with you.

I don't have any advice to give that hasn't already been said here, so instead I'll just wish you both the best of luck! :)

[patti1569]

Hi Sara, I can really identify with your situation. My wife and I went through almost the exact thing almost twenty years ago. A lot of what you are describing are the same feelings my wife has (over many years) expressed to me. It is very difficult to be a crossdresser in our current society, but it is just a difficult (if not more so) to be the significant other of one. You are an amazing person for all you are doing to understand Scott. I am not the best for giving advice but if you have any specific questions about anything don’t hesitate to send me a private message. Welcome to the forum (this is really a great place), and I wish you well, Patti.

[Sara99]

Hi grace

I so want to pm you but the site isn't letting me do that yet. But I totally relate to you when you said about how your heart feels and how your head feels. I said earlier that when Scott is dressed, I end up feeling like it wouldnt matter if I was there or not. That is such a change from how he is towards me when he isnt dressed when he makes me feel like the most important woman in the world. It is that change in his attitude towards me that I am struggling to cope with. When I am at work Ive thought that if SCott doesnt dress tonight then I am in for a cosy night of snuggling up on the sofa and having a great chats (and more), if Scott does dress tonight than I may as well go read a book in the bedroom. So I end up resenting it when he dresses and I so dont want to feel like that. I dont mind him dressing at all but only if it doesnt come between us. His skirt or dress or whatever may be a comfort to him but it becomes a brick wall to me.

The replies Ive had have helped me understand why it may be this way. He is struggling to feel comfortable within himself, so maybe I have to start banging on that brick wall to break it down. I never looked at it that way before I talked about it here today. I mean him feeling uncomfortable or nervous or even guilty about who he is. I just dont want him to feel that way and I need to reassure him that he doesnt need to feel that way. It really doesnt matter to me what clothes he wears. I just want him to be the Scott I know he really is and the Scott that I love so much all the time.

[AKAMichelle]

Your space feels invaded and like a competition for his affection and time has begun

------------

Hi Michelle. What you said there is exactly how I feel. I don't want to feel as though Im competing with his dressing, I want to feel a part of it. It felt that way at first and I liked it. It was fun and I do think he looks good. I just want him to feel and act in exactly the same way when he is dressed up as he does when he isnt. I hope that doesn't sound selfish of me, and I do worry that he may not be able to help acting differently towards me when he is presenting himself differently (as in as a girl). Kind of like that is his girl personality. I hope Im explaining that right and that you know what I mean by that. This is all new to me and I do have to learn so much.

I hope he doesn't want to become a woman full time. Steph mentioned that possibility earlier and is something that I hadn't really thought about. I guess we do have a lot of talking to do and only then will I be able to understand completely. All I know is that I love him so much and I know I have no problem accepting it, but I want Scott to meet me halfway and because he kind of almost closes down when he is dressed I dont feel like I am getting that. I need the attention from him, his affection and love and I want that when he is dressed and when he isn't. I hope that doesn't make me sound selfish and I now know thanks to the replies and understanding I've had in this thread from all of you that I need to give him time to be able to feel completely comfortable with expressing this side of him towards another person (me).

JamieTG's SO, thank you for pointing out the private forum. I would love to chat to other women and read the stories and struggles you've had to deal with.

And darla, thank you also for your message. Scott doesn't know I've joined this forum and I feel a little scared to tell him because I dont know how he'd feel about me talking about this with other people. I just dont want to upset him. But I did need so much to talk about this with others and get it off my chest and Im glad that I did join. Everything what everyone has said means so much to me and has able me try and understand it from his perspective.

It is new to him also. You are the first person that he trusted with his secret. You shouldn't feel afraid to tell him things that you did to understand. This is your relationship also and it needs to have a lot of talking. He may tell you that he doesn't want to transition but may later. That is a risk, but you can't let that be a reason to hold back your love for him. You may get hurt, but most likely you will experience a great relationship once you break through the barriers. Everybody has them, but at least you see his. Now get ready for the talk of a lifetime. Don't be afraid of losing him because that will limit what is said. You must break through to where everything is on the table. Only then can you figure out where you want to go next.

I think the other thing that you need to find out at some point is if your BF is bi-sexual. That may be a bigger issue for you both. I hope you have that talk and find out where the relationship is going. You sound like a sweet woman that needs to find answers for a thousand questions you have right now.


Hi grace

I so want to pm you but the site isn't letting me do that yet. But I totally relate to you when you said about how your heart feels and how your head feels. I said earlier that when Scott is dressed, I end up feeling like it wouldnt matter if I was there or not. That is such a change from how he is towards me when he isnt dressed when he makes me feel like the most important woman in the world. It is that change in his attitude towards me that I am struggling to cope with. When I am at work Ive thought that if SCott doesnt dress tonight then I am in for a cosy night of snuggling up on the sofa and having a great chats (and more), if Scott does dress tonight than I may as well go read a book in the bedroom. So I end up resenting it when he dresses and I so dont want to feel like that. I dont mind him dressing at all but only if it doesnt come between us. His skirt or dress or whatever may be a comfort to him but it becomes a brick wall to me.

The replies Ive had have helped me understand why it may be this way. He is struggling to feel comfortable within himself, so maybe I have to start banging on that brick wall to break it down. I never looked at it that way before I talked about it here today. I mean him feeling uncomfortable or nervous or even guilty about who he is. I just dont want him to feel that way and I need to reassure him that he doesnt need to feel that way. It really doesnt matter to me what clothes he wears. I just want him to be the Scott I know he really is and the Scott that I love so much all the time.

The issue with PM is that you have set it so that nobody can contact you. Change your settings and you should be able to contact various people on here.

[the_me]

There's not much I could add that hasn't been said already, so I would just like to wish you the best! I'm 27 myself, and remember telling a GG friend of nearly 10 years about it first. Feelings of excitement, then anxiety... hope... terror. It was pretty rough, but ended up well enough. Now not even half a year after telling that one person, most of my close friends know, I've been able to get out there (dressed up, that is. If even only a couple days a month) and have a good time. Only wish I had someone so supportive as you appear to be by my side the whole time! Would have been 10x easier to deal with.

So like many have said, it can take some time for things to get somewhat back to normal. Also like others have said, I'm sure you can both do it!

Oh, and hey. If he isn't posting here already, maybe he should? Just a thought.

[Kerigirl2009]

Your Story sounds alot like mine in the fact that it took a few drinks for me to finally tell my wife after 15 years of marriage. I know that feeling your BF was feeling, it is of shame and confusion. Shame because what we want to express is not what is expected by anyone and confusion because the feeling never really goes away. Guilty is another feeling he probably felt because with the LOVE he has for you he knows that HE is not being completely honest with you and this makes our life so hard to give all of us because we are always hiding part of ourselves from the ones we love the most. Not fair to either of us, but fear is a powerful thing.

I hope you can find a way to understand him and continue to let your love for him to grow, he is the same person as you knew, its just now you know probably the most intimate part of him. It took alot of trust for him to tell you.
I would admit the laugh probably hurt him more than you think, but he is a man and he will get over it eventually.
The best thing you can do is just ask him questions that you want answers too, when you are ready.
Don't let him do things that you are not comfortable with. For myself and my wife we made a list of boundaries (which I admit are really hard for me to follow) I try but then again I start to hide again which is hard to do.
It has been almost 2 years since I told her and we are still happily married although I was worried for a long time because I was afraid to bring the subject up and she was never wanting to bring it up. But over time we have talked. She has never met my other side except in a few pictures, and does not want to see me dressed as a woman.
I wish you both the best and continued love for eachother, and like you said its only clothes, they do have a way of making us feel better(wierd I know) but true.
Times will be tough for a while and never forget to hug eachother during those hard times. They are important.

Keri

[Rianna Humble]

Don't let anyone tell you that if you love him, then you should accept him as is. You can love him and accept who he is and still be uncomfortable with the cding.

I hope that nothing in what I wrote gave the impression that I believed that Sara should simply accept him "as is".

Sara, you are a wonderfully caring person and you have demonstrated that you are willing to go to great lengths to understand what is happening in Scott's life. I agree that you should not have to feel uncomfortable when he dresses, but I also believe that this is coming from his insecurities rather than from you.

I can't remember if it was you or someone else who suggested that you ask him to cuddle up to you net time he is dressed, but it could be a very good idea.

People have thrown out a lot of possibilities which are concerning you right now - is he TS, is he Bi? Yes there is a chance that he is one or other or both, but there is at least as much chance that he is neither of those things. You will discover the answers - perhaps at the same time as Scott - when you are discussing his cross-dressing with him.

It is extremely difficult for you not to be able to discuss this with your close friends, but there are a lot of people on these forums who genuinely want both you and Scott to be happy. You are over the 10 post threshold now so if you follow this link (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/faq.php?faq=pf#faq_gg_forum) you can apply to join the Female At Birth area that JamieTG's SO mentioned.

[kimdl93]

From the way you describe his behavior, I think he's still conflicted with himself. Its one thing to come out to an SO. Its another to be fully accepting of oneself. It doesn't sound like he has. My advice would be for him to get into therapy and learn, self acceptance. He needs to believe deep down inside that cross dressing isn't a crime, its nothing to be ashamed of, and if he can learn to open up himself fully to you, then you both can enjoy the fun of dressing together.

[Jilmac]

Sara, You really poured you heart out in that post and I can understand you concerns. First let me say that I believe Scott told you of his crossdressing because of his undying love and commitment to you. It seems to me that he wants you to know everything about him so there are no secrets in your relationship. I also believe that the drinks lowered inhibitions in both of you to make it easier to relate.

That being said, I can also understand your apprehension in becoming intimate while he's dressed. A frank sober discussion may be in order to allow both of you time to decide if you love each other enough to come to a compromise because his urge to crossdress will never wane. If Scott had not trusted you as a confidant, he likely would have kept his dressing a secret which could have been disasterous to your relationship.

It may take a great deal of courage on your part, to totally accept him as the whole person he wants to be but if he is as good as you have described I believe crossdressing to be a minor issue. I was married twice and told both spouses beforehand about my urge to dress and both disapproved. consequentally, I hid my dressing from my entire family until the passing of my second wife. I never regretted dressing but did regret the fact that I hid it all those years. The person I'm dating now has been told of my dressing and we have come to a compromise. I sincerely hope you can do the same with Scott. I wish you luck and continuing success in your relationship.

[NicoleScott]

Hi Sara,
Let's give Scott credit for telling you. Many of us here took our secret to the altar, thinking crossdressing desires would go away once married. They don't, and better to lay it all out before your relationship (which sounds very healthy) goes further. My first marriage ended because she could not tolerate a crossdressing husband. I did not tell her before we married. My current wife is OK with it, and what makes it OK is that she is not threatened by my crossdressing. She asked all the typical questions: am I gay? (no), do I want to be a woman? (no) etc. We talked. Here's where we are: she accepts, supports, and even encourages me to dress. But she doesn't really want to participate, and that's OK with me. So she allows me private time to dress, likes to see me dressed, gives me positive comments, but we both know it's not a time for intimacy.

I think another thing that makes it work for us is that my dressing is part-time occasional, and when not dressed I'm just a normal guy doing all the normal guy stuff, husband and father. My wife hasn't lost her man. If you need Scott to be your man, you should talk about this. One of the downfalls of a relationship with a crossdressing husband is that initial acceptance by the woman is misconstrued to mean that it's OK to take it further and further until she feels like she has lost her man. Discuss intentions and boundaries.

Scott has shared his long-time secret with you, but it's always been a strictly personal thing for him, so his quiet demeanor when dressed shouldn't be too surprising. This (someone else knowing) is new for him, as well as for you. By the way, your laugh is very typical. Don't feel bad about that.

As the others have said, keep talking.

[Ameli]

Hi Sara.

I feel for your situation, and I am so impressed with how you are dealing with it. I think it may be a little easier for you to deal with your emotions around crossdressing than it is for Scott. I know its not always easy for me to talk to my wife about my crossdressing and not because of her reactions, but because I carry some guilt and shame. I tried so very hard to repress my feelings around crossdressing for so long that it really isn't easy for me to share it - even with my wife! I think you're doing amazing job on dealing with the crossdressing and I suspect you two will get past your problems and become a stronger couple because of it. Best of luck to you. If you need anything, just ask.

Ameli

[Sara99]

Hi again Rianna

It was someone else who suggested that I ask him to cuddle up next time he is dressed, and I do think that is a really great idea. Im going to do exactly that.

The possibilities that have been thrown out do scare me but I understand why these have been mentioned to me. I suppose I would be closing me eyes if I didn't even think that these may be issues in Scott's life. It really hurts me to say what im about to say but I would rather Scott be 100% honest with me even if it does cast doubt on our future together rather than us stay together living a lie. So I need to know these things. But I also understand that I cant force an answer out of him and that it will take time. I dont care how much time. I will give him that. He deserves as much as he needs. I wish you all knew him then you'd all understand why I say that.

It is impossible for me to discuss this with family and friends because I wont break the confidence that Scott has shown by telling me this. So I hope you dont mind if I continue to bend your ears on here. I need this outlet and it has made me feel a lot better about everything today. When I posted my first post I honestly didnt know what to expect but I certainly didnt expect so many genuine replies and all the kind words that you have all taken time out of your own lives to give me. My experience of the whole crossdressing thing is limited and I really dont know much at all about it but if everyone who has commented here is anything to do by not to mention Scott himself then my feelings towards you as a group and individiuals is nothing but positive. Thank you all.

[J'lyn GG]

Rianna, like I said in my post, I didn't read any of the responses to her post b4 I responded. (i was bfing my son) But this was told to me (in so many words).

[TxKimberly]

Dear Sara,

The only thing I dont understand is why you keep apologizing? When your nerves and fears are all ramped up, and you had no idea what was wrong with your BF, to let loose with a laugh when he finally told you that the reason he had been so quite was that he was a crossdresser, is completely understandable.

OK, now as for Scott, he has a big load of stuff piled up in his mind right now. Sharing this little secret with a woman that we love can be the most frightening thing that most of us will ever do. I've done many "interesting" things in my life, and hands down, telling my wife was the most terrifying thing I've ever faced.
So, now he has shared the secret with you and is probably trying to learn how to deal with someone that he loves knowing. What should he share or talk to you about? Can he talk to you or should he be quiet? Should he "dress" or not? Are you really OK with it, or just saying you are to make him happy? Is he going to loose you? All of these things and more are probably screaming through his head over and over. Much like you, he is learning how to adapt to the new status of having someone that matters to him know about him.

Shopping? I'm 45 years old and only recently (last 4 or 5 years) got to the point where I didn't get nervous as hell shopping. It's stupid and it's irrational, but that doesn't really matter. MOST of us are scared to death at first to go shopping for things for ourselves. We are just so certain and positive that someone will know, that they will figure it out. It takes a while to get comfortable enough with yourself that you decide you really dont give a shit if some sales associate that doesn't really matter to you knows that the dress you're buying is not for your wife or mother.

You are both in uncharted waters when it comes to your own life experiences. If you love each other, just give it time for you both to get comfortable with it and to reach a new equilibrium.

Welcome to the forum by the way. I think you will find that it aint all bad ;)

[Sara99]

Hi Nicole

Im so very glad that Scott told me. And what you and others have said tells me that coming out as a cd is not an easy thing to do at all. So I take a lot of satisfaction (thats not the word im looking for but I cant think what the word is so that will have to do) out of him telling me. Early in our relationship Scott was insecure towards me because of what had happened to him with previous girlfriends and he felt that I would do the same (I havent, I never would) and this caused arguments between us. So for him to tell me proves one thing at least. He is no longer insecure with me.

I now understand (thanks to you and others here) that Scott being distant towards me is down to his own nervousness and guilt in having to suprress this part of him for all of his life. That has put a whole new perspective on everything and that is why I am going to try even harder to break down the wall that comes between us when he is dressed. I want him to be happy. I want him to be happy with me. I accept his crossdressing (I really dont have a problem with it, my problem is just how he acts towards me when he does it) so trust me I will keep talking to him. He will be home from work in the next hour or so and I honestly cannot wait to see him tonight. I feel for what he is going through and I want to go through it with him but I can only do that if he is able to break down the barriers that it has put up between us. We both have to work at it. But he deserves that.

[Kim_Bitzflick]

I can't really add to what has been said, but I want you to know you are not alone. We are here to help.

I can say that I have kind of the opposite problem you have. I would LOVE to cuddle with my wife while I am dressed but she tells me she feels like a lesbian if we do that. She does go out with me shopping, dinner, etc. but it is more like friends going out.

I'm no psychiatrist so this is just a guess. Maybe Scott is unsure how to approach the relationship when he is dressed and wants you to take the lead.

[Mary Morgan]

Sara, you are a beautiful soul and Scott is so lucky to have you. I imagine he may have as many questions as you do. This is a difficult secret to carry and now he has entered foreign territory by sharing it with you. Sometimes we feel guilty that we have relieved our own frustration of silence by telling the one we love the most, only to feel a new guilt for placing a burden on that loved one. In time only you can make that feeling go away. I know you want that and I'm sure he wants your comfort and acceptance as well.

[Sara99]

Hi Kimberly

I guess I keep apologising because I feel so bad about it. and I dont want anyone to think bad of me either. No one here and especially Scott. I guess thats just my own guilt trip taking over. And its probably also because I feel quite emotional today. This has been a big step for me and its been hard to say the things Ive said. The replies Ive had though have made that easier. :)

Id like him to share and talk about everything. Anything. Its what we've always done. Your questions about what are running through his head say a lot to me and I think you are right so I need to reassure him about that. Oh about the shopping thing - before we went I genuinely felt really quite excited. This may sound daft, but I couldn't help but feel that it would be great from a selfish point of view because we could spend all day in the womens dept and he wouldnt be bored at all. With my ex shopping was a nightmare and to be honest it was similar with Scott before he came out to me. So on that day when we went shopping I was really looking forward to it. Only for it not to be as good as I thought it would be. Its funny, but when we were out shopping Scott was so self conscious and came across as not really interested at all well I may as well have been shopping with my Dad (he was totally useless and always tutting at me and my mum for taking too long over everything. We used to get our own back though and make him wait for ages outside the womens changing rooms! :D

[Christina Horton]

Hi Sara.... I just read you story and I wanted to respond before I read any others comments before I lost my train of thought.
I'm a crossdresser and single but I'm In tune with women because I do live part time as a women. From what I have read here over the years your response is normal for some. I think what's happening is he is sill scared to death to be fully himself and may be ashamed or he feels like he's doing something wrong when he dresses but needs to dress..... Believe it or not being a CD (crossdresser) is not something he can change or chose to not be.
We guys growing up are told to be a man , not to cry , "Big Boys Don't Cry" , or to be a sissy.... So as a result we are programed to think if we like girly stuff were (weak , gay , or worse). He would be fighting all this and prob more.
When you laughed when he first told you was one of his greatest fears. After that you said it was ok but now after it has sunk in your having second thoughts because of his (cold demeanor) when hes dressed. Just remember he has been told all his life that it's wrong and shameful what he wants to do.
If you just told him that its ok it would take a very long time for him to believe it , Like it did with your telling him you wont cheat.
You might have to over come your misgivings with him not being the same person and just treat him normally when he is dressed. He is struggling internally with his male and female sides....Yes we all have them but CDs have more of the opposite sex's emotions. You said he's "He is a very caring loving guy, so affectionate and sensitive but also a little insecure." That is the way most of us feel and the insecure part comes from most likely the CD part of him.
I can't tell you how this will go but I can say this..... If you there for him , support him , love him , that will go a long way to bring him out of his shell.
As for shopping in the stores. Well thats one of the hardest things we have to over come. You see men buying thing for women for there birthday etc... and they can feel like there perverts scallking in the women's department. I fined that when I'm fully dressed that shopping is so easy and no one looks at me funny and I don't pass 100%. He has to be ready to do stuff like that on his own and he may never be able to. He may just want to stay "In the closet" and dress at home. He may want to go out dressed. Fully dressed as a women and have you by "HER" side. I don't mean to scare you but his CDing will NEVER go away. He might even want to "purge" all his stuff . That means he'll just one day think he does not need the stuff and throw it all away. The girl here that have done that (Something many times) have all regretted it. And days weeks months or maybe even year later they want/Not need to dress cuz that is the way we were made, Or if you will the way God made us.
The CD issue is not a easy one to deal with if you did not know right from the start but if you love him you need to work past it. If you need to make boundaries then work them out, If you need or want him to be "Your Man" one night then , then ask him not to dress. Just keep in mind that he will feel like he has betrayed you by not telling you up front and the start. You may feel that to or not but you need to sit down (sans booze) and have a long talk and work out all of this. It's not going to be fixed over night but it should be a good start. Maybe have one day a week you hold for you "girl time talk" where you can both figger it all out.
You could also bring him to this site and you tow can read stories together and alone.
I know I prob said the same things as the other ladies here have but like I said I wanted to get my thoughts down first before I forgot them LOL.
It may be hard for you both but after you resolve this you'll wonder how come all men can't be like your Scott. Just remember you have a boy friend/Girl friend/& Best friend all rolled up in one. Plus you can shop with this one and when he's comfortable with it and have tons of fun....
Good luck and I hope you two all the best!!! ;)

[sandra-leigh]

Beyond what the others have already said:

It seems to me that it is possible that he is now feeling a bit of "Oh no, what have I done?" in telling you. With him never having told anyone before, he is entering uncharted territory for himself in sharing it with you, and the implications may be scaring him. To have cross-dressed in private with no-one knowing is something you can self-talk about and make excuses about, like "I'm just trying it on," or "I just want to be reminded about how this looks on Sara", or "I just want to get a better idea about how these clothes go together so I'll be better at selecting clothes for Sara", and so on. But to admit it to someone else, to show someone else: that can be a life changing event, and Scott might be having a hard time dealing with the implications.

I don't know Scott, so I have no idea how much he is internally "driven" to dress, but considering that he has already dressed in front of you at home several times in the few weeks, I suspect that at least at this time, his internal drive to dress is fairly strong. How strongly one has the urge to dress varies quite a bit between different people, and varies quite a bit over time for any one person. For many people, stress of other kinds triggers an urge to dress (to relieve the other stress), but for others, stress dampens the urge to dress. Is there some kind of prominent external stress these days, such as struggling to find a full-time job?

Whether there is external stress at this time or not, if Scott's drive to dress is as high as I suspect it might be, then him telling you about his dressing might have triggered fear and confusion in him. Triggered isn't the right word here, though: the fear and confusion might have already been there, but were being repressed because they were "completely unrealistic", and now that he's told you, now that he's admitted to himself that there is enough to it that someone else needs to be told, the fears and confusion have to be faced up to. What kinds of fear and confusion? Oh, about all kinds of things. "I like to wear women's clothes... doesn't that mean I'm gay?"; "How can she love me, knowing what I am?"; "I cross-dress: doesn't that mean I'm transsexual?"; "When I cross-dress, obviously I'm less of a Man, but I don't want to be less of a Man, I just have these urges that I can't get rid of".

And, what I suspect might be relevant in Scott's case: "I have an urge to dress more if I could. Much more. I would like to present as a female in public -- but I'm afraid of what that would mean for my life, for my relationships, for my safety, for my family, for my self-image, for my sanity, for my job... I'm afraid that now that I've gone even a little way towards that, that I won't be able to stop." Now, to be clear here, this is just a suspicion on my part, based entirely upon what you have said. A question that Scott will have to face some time is "If there were no barriers, nothing stopping you, then how much would you like to cross-dress; in an ideal world, how far would you like to go with this? If the ideal world feels like it would present too much of a barrier, what about in a fantasy world, what would you like to do or be?"

I will point out here that even if Scott does feel that he would like to dress in public more than not, that would not necessarily mean that he is transsexual. Society does, however, exert a lot of subtle pressure to be either "male" or "female", a lot of "If you aren't male then you must be female!" Even here, some of the transsexuals are known to express the idea that if you aren't 100% committed to thoroughly becoming female, then you are "just" a male with a dressing perversion. Feeling that one is somewhere in the middle can be extremely tough.

One thing I am thinking is if Scott is having trouble accepting who and what he is, and now you know, then the dressing and the coldness might be projection of his internal discord on to you. If he can make you not accept him and leave him or put him down about dressing, then it would "prove" to him that he was right in feeling disgusted with himself for being a cross-dresser, if that is the way he feels. Or, alternately, if he succeeds in driving you away then he would drop back to the state of being mentally alone with his cross-dressing and then he could bury it again for a time and wouldn't have to face up to its implications, such as the implication that may be he could be more female to the world. If no-one can accept him, then it is "obviously" unsafe to come out so it doesn't have to be considered, but if you accept him then he has to face up to the idea that other people might as well, and that might feel like a worse prospect than losing you. If what I've written here seems like "crazy talk" or "circular reasoning", that's okay, as self-identity and cross-dressing are not rational things.

Do not underestimate the self-loathing and denial some people can go through with regards to cross-dressing and gender issues; on the other hand, do not assume that Scott is necessarily going through those feelings. People differ greatly.

Telling a Significant Other is a very rough time. As one grows close to someone, it can feel like a sickening lie to hide this part from them, something that eats away and eats away until one either pushes the other person away or something gives inside. Sometimes one is pretty broken inside by the time one tells -- sometimes one doesn't tell until one has nearly "bottomed out" and has convinced oneself that the relationship is over (or will be as soon as one is done telling): one might already have mentally set oneself up to fail. Recovering from that can take time... and might involve "tests" of the other person until one is emotionally convinced that the other person is sincere in acceptance.

Advice... as far as advice for you, I don't know. You could ask him how far he would like to take things, but based upon his reactions to shopping, I think that question might be to early.

My feeling is that what Scott would benefit from is going to see a gender therapist. Even if Scott himself talks in terms of "curing" himself, you should be firm that No, the idea is for Scott to learn about himself, to order his thoughts and to process his feelings and needs whatever those might turn out to be, and to learn how to communicate about those needs. Quite a few of the members here have gone to some kind of gender therapy, and the large majority of those say that they are very glad they did.

[abigailf]

Hi and welcome.

I am a bit overwhelmed by the responses. So I can only imagine what you must be going through. I wasn't going to respond at all figuring you received quite a bit of advice already, but your post moved me and reminded me when I came out to my wife. It was a bit different, but there are some similarities.

Anyway there is something I really wanted to share.

First, Someone suggested this in another way already; read, learn and understand before you act. This may save your relationship. Take the time to understand this before you make any decisions. If you walk away with anything from this thread, let it be this.

Second, I don't think Scott is being selfish (as someone suggested), is is possible he is just scared. Scared about what is happening to him and about losing you. He knows things are about to change and doesn't know what that means. He is less unsure about the future and that is very frightening. I still cry at night wishing that this isn't happening to me, but it is and I need to learn to live with it. Scott may be feeling the same way.

Next, reach deep inside yourself and try to understand how far you are willing to go with him. There are several areas of trans-gender. Some are perfectly happy just dressing up in woman's clothes, looking and feeling girlish. But there are those of us who feel like we are woman in the wrong bodies. The latter of us are driven to change ourselves and as we get older the drive gets stronger. That is the part I struggle with everyday. My wife, whom I love is not a lesbian and a transition would most likely mean losing her. Yet I am so driven more and more to alter myself in every way I can.

I don't know where Scott falls, but you need to prepare yourself for the worst case and decide if you can live with him as a her in that case.

Next, only after you have learned enough from whatever sources, then you need to have a conversation with Scott. Also, don't be afraid to see a therapist (someone who specialized in gender identity issues).

In the mean time, interact with him/her the same way you would when not dressed. Using kid gloves when he is dressed and not when he is not will only put a wall between you.

Ultimately, communication is key and if he doesn't open up, you should encourage him to do so, but don't force it. He will talk when he gets more comfortable talking about it. Remember, he lived with this to himself for many years and is not used to sharing it with anyone. That will take time. If there is a second thing you walk away with from this thread, let it be "communication".

Best of luck,
Abigail

[SamanthaS]

Sounds like Scott can't relax and be his "fem" self around you without feeling a sense of shame. I kind of feel the same way when my wife sees me dressed:) Give him time to get used to dressing around you. Talk to him and let him know you still think of him as a man, but your ok with his fem side too. I wish you both the best, and if your both the same size congrats on all your new clothes, LOL.

[Sara99]

Aw thank you so much Christina.

You know, I quite like the sound of putting aside a specific time for "girl time". My only worry with that is, upto now it has all seemed so spontaneous. There hasnt been any set time where he has always wanted to dress. it could be anytime or no time at all. Saying that I have this afternoon thought about saying to him something along the lines of "on saturday I want us to stay in and have a talk with no distractions. No TV, nothing but us." and make it clear that what I want to talk about is his crossdressing. That way he can prepare for it and know that I will be asking him lots of questions. Do you think this is a good idea? I thought about buying him a special present today and giving it to him tonight, but maybe I could wait until weekend and give it him after we chat, just so that he knows that I am ok with it all.

Can I just say again, the responses Ive have have completely overwhelmed me. In a good way. I am just so very grateful for you all taking time out to help me with this.

Sandra-Leigh, you said some things that really struck home with me. Your fantasy world and what Scott would do in that world I think is a great way to help me understand this. But more than this, your comment "if he succeeds in driving you away then he would drop back to the state of being mentally alone with his cross-dressing" made me cry. I dont want him to be driven away. And the thought of Scott being mentally alone really makes me understand how hard it must of been for him to tell me. I will never let that happen. Not just for him but for me also. Scott means everything to me and it really hurts me to think that this is something that he has had to deal with all on his own. Thats why I want to tell him that I am here for him and I always will be. Thats why I dont want him to shut down towards me when he dresses. Even saying those words out loud on here "when he dresses" is making me realise just how much I can accept it. No matter what he wears, I want him to understand that the person I see in front of me is the person that I love so much. And I want him to show that to me no matter what. I need to feel loved as well and I do when he isnt dressed. I dont when he is. I want him to understand that. Its not that I dont want him to dress up. Its that I too want to feel loved when he does.

Abigail, I dont think Scott is being selfish. Well maybe not intentionally but it has felt like that. It has felt sometimes that I could just walk out of the room when hes dressed and he wouldnt even notice. But from the replies Ive had today I don't now think that is the case at all. I now just think that it he finds it hard to completely be himself or herself. I want him to overcome that because that will be better for me.

Samantha, I will do just that - give him time to get used to dressing around me. When I wrote my first post I couldn't see that. My first post was all about my issues and me coming to terms with it. in one afternoon I now realise that I need to see it from his point of view also.

[kneehighs]

I think Scott feels abandoned (even though he's not). He's anticipating a negative reaction from you, because he's had to hide his desire to crossdress from himself. His old memories of being abandoned by his ex's are probably being reactivated every time he dresses in front of you. The old emotionally charged memories of being abandoned by his ex's are releasing the flight or fight syndrome in him while he is dressed in front of you. He's probably so overwhelmed with feelings of desperation and helplessness that he has little to share at that moment with you. That's why he shuts down emotionally. When he is dressed in front of you, he is in touch with his deepest fears and needs, he feels cut off and alone. It's like he's on a journey to the center of himself when he is dressed in front of you. I don't know if he has abandonment issues from childhood, parental figures etc....this is just my 2 pence worth...hope it helps :)

[Holly]

Hi Sara and :welcom: to the forum. I really can't add much to what has already been said. If you take nothing else from here, take this; COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY TO A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP. You are both in uncharted waters... Scott trying to reconcile his feeling toward cross dressing against every reason he has been told it is wrong to do all of his life, and you struggling to find a way to meet your needs and support his at the same time. How about trying this: Set aside and evening for just the two of you at home. Prepare something s/he likes for supper and set a romantic table. Enjoy your meal together and afterward, do the dishes together. When you're all done, sit down with her/him on the couch and share with her/him just how much s/he means to you... all of her/him. Tell her/him that you are committed to making this journey with her/him but it is important to you to do it together. Ask her/him some of the questions you have been asking here. S/he is the only one who can tell you with certainty what s/he is feeling inside. Tell her/him how important it is to you for her/him to respond to you as s/he always has, no matter how dressed... because you are in love with the person in the clothes, not the clothes on the person. See if s/he will share with you some of the things in her/his heart that she would like to do or explore. See if the two of you can map out a plan to do these things together. Some possibilities- shopping, dinner out, a drive, a walk, a weekend away, a movie, experimenting with makeup at home... you get the idea.

I hope Scott will consider joining us here. If s/he is as caring and sensitive as you say, I think, in short order, s/he will understand that you came here only to seek help for both of you. Once Scott understands that s/he is not the only one in the world to have these kinds of feelings, it will help her/him to better accept her/himself. And the sooner that happens, the sooner the two of you can get back to what you both love most... each other. My sincerest best wishes to you both.

[Christina Horton]

Aw thank you so much Christina.

You know, I quite like the sound of putting aside a specific time for "girl time". My only worry with that is, up to now it has all seemed so spontaneous. There hasn't been any set time where he has always wanted to dress. it could be anytime or no time at all. Saying that I have this afternoon thought about saying to him something along the lines of "on Saturday I want us to stay in and have a talk with no distractions. No TV, nothing but us." and make it clear that what I want to talk about is his crossdressing. That way he can prepare for it and know that I will be asking him lots of questions. Do you think this is a good idea? I thought about buying him a special present today and giving it to him tonight, but maybe I could wait until weekend and give it him after we chat, just so that he knows that I am ok with it all.

Being spontaneous right now is the only way Scott and react to all this. Setting aside "girl time or girl talk time" will help him open up and as you said you both can say write down questions and ask each other with out the worrie of saying the or asking the wrong thing that being "spontaneous" might let slip. Now as for a gift that a great idea. You buy "her" something pretty SHE will love and that will help beak the ice and let the chat flow. You could buy an inexpensive wig and some makeup. That is if you think she would like that. He may not want to dress all the way yet or maybe that's what he want to tell you but can't figger out how to tell you. He may think he's put to much of a burden on you and does not want to hurt you any more then he thinks he has. Remember Men have this need to protect the ones they love and he might be thinking that he's put you in harms way be putting this on your shoulders. You still need to take it at the pace you both are comfortable with. It could be fast or slow but thats one thing you need to remember.
Now one thing I read after I wrote you was that you would like to tell a girl friend or two so you can "unload" the wight , at least a little. Well if you feel the need then ask Scott if you could but remember that once you tell one person , no matter who is is you need to consider that it's out there for all to know. You friends may be able to keep a sercet but people do slip up and she might just one day let it slip and then it's out of your hands who knows.
CDing is going to be a huge topic in your home and don't be surprised if after he opens up that he'll go through what we call " THE PINK FOG" . That means he will not be able to think it talk about much else. He might as soon as he gets home go dress up and stay that was all the time you two are alone . He may talk about it all the time. Don't be afeard LOL that happens to us all and if you both know to look out for that you can SLOW it down a little so it does not consume you both lol.
I love to talk about my CDing and with tell strangers all about ME when ask . I am usely out dressed when they ask . I love It lol.
Setting aside girl time can mean many things , at first it means sharing your feelings and understanding what you both are going through , or like giving "her" makeup lesson and fashion tips. If you tell some girl friends that he's ok with maybe it could be a sleep over with friends and SHE can be girly all weekend . Now that is something I would love to have with a girl friend bit alas I have had no girl friend for the last 11 years. I'm a trucker and a CDer and that makes it hard to have a girl friend.
Your so lucky to have a very loving BF and he's sooooooooo much more Lucky to have YOU. Just go with in your comfort level and let him do the same and when your both ready push past it a little and have fun with it. You'll love it. :)

[Rachel05]

Hi Sarah and wow that was some post, I normally skip long posts but yours was so engaging and interesting to see things from the other side of the fence. I have cross dressed for over 40 years now and I have always wanted to share with my wife, but just never found the words, so massive credit to Scott for taking that step and massive credit to you for taking it so well, I would think a small laugh a decent result myself, but we are all different !!

I was so convinced that I was Mr careful, never dressed when my wife was in, or my mother when I lived with her and I had lived the solitary life of dressing so I was good, in fact in my head I was very good at hiding it - but I wasn't and my wife found me out after 20+ years of marriage she caught me getting changed after work and I quickly hid my panties I had been wearing, I again thought I had done well but she had just had her suspicions confirmed apparently

So she went searching and found my things and she confronted me and we chatted calmly, in fact the whole thing was calm and adult and I was ever so pleased that she now knew for certain, that was it, she has only mentioned it once in passing since, she knows I still do it, my things are less well hidden now, but we don't ever talk of it

So actually in my world you and Scott are doing really well, you want to accept it and be part of it and how brilliant of you to be like that, this is a really difficult thing for us to embrace, I mean I came to terms with me some years ago, I am who I am and I enjoy me for it, I never feel bad for it and I never will now

I go shopping on my own for my things and I don't force it on my wife because she is not ready to take it further, we have always got on well since we met and in fact we have not changed one bit since she found out but I would love her to be part of it and maybe one day she will

So long way of saying actually you guys seem to me to be doing well, if I was Scott I would want to know that you are happy with it, rather than just putting up with it for the sake of keeping the peace, if my wife had found out before I was at peace with myself inside over who I was, then it would have been much harder for me I am positive - talk some more, talk some more when you haven't had a drink maybe !!

Hope this helps in some small way - Rachel

[mishmam32]

Hi Sara, I'll be honest I didn't read everyones post so I apologize if I repeat anyones point. I (as of 2 nights ago) came out to my wife, and had a lot of built up anguish like your BF. One thing that is repeadedly mentioned with most CD's is for us to be patient and wait for our SO response to the situation. Maybe the drinks led into some confusion as to your exceptance level. Sounds like he's moving faster than you are. I think you have a special man for coming clean before you got more serious. My wife and I have been married for 5 years and she reacted similar to you when I told her...(she even chuckled). You're reaction to the news is Awesome! I just think you need to set some boundries, and ask him to respect them. My wife has not mentioned anything to me since our talk, she may soon, then again she may not. At least my conscience is clear that I am not withholding secrets. Set your boundries and he'll either respect them or you'll have to decide if the other woman is what you want. Personally, I will not dress unless my wife ask me to, and I'll even fight it then. This is terrible of me to make this analogy and some may be upset but its like using the restroom, just cause she knows you go, doesn't mean she wants to watch :-) Good luck, and great job handling the news...remember you hold the cards, he'll respect you for that.

Good Luck,

Mishell

[Lorileah]

Hi


I love Scott so much, and I know that he loves me. He is a very caring loving guy, so affectionate and sensitive but also a little insecure. I know he is 100% committed to me but it took me a long time to convince him that I was just as committed to him. He's been hurt in the past by girls who have cheated on him and he was scared that I would do the same.


There is your answer. He is the same guy in a dress as he is in dirty work pants. He doesn't change from what you see in him when he changes.

Society has placed things in our minds that are hard to get out. Most those things are wrong or at least not accurate. Scott is fighting those demons and you are too. But the truth is it is just clothes. Nothing more. Physical things that have come to mean way more than just protection from the elements.

I believe that coming out and being honest early in the relationship is the best thing. Scott did this with you (2 years isn't bad compared to 30+ years that some take here.) If you want this to work, you have to discuss all this with Scott. He has been honest to this point. We know that in his mind he is working through the whole sexual identity thing. The same questions you are asking. It may work better if you both ask those questions together. Don't sweat the initial reactions you had. He was probably confused as to your laughter but explain to him that it was part relief. You didn't laugh at him you laughed because you felt better that it wasn't something more serious. But now you have to do some soul searching. Do you love the person or do you love the presentation? Yes you both will have some moments both private (where he plays the diva...we all do) and public. But if you truly love him, this whole dressing thing is a small or non-issue. No more than drinking milk from the jug or leaving his shoes in the hall (I still do that and I still trip over them and I still tell myself tat I need to do better). It is clothes.

I will concede that at 27 there is a sexual element to it because at 27 breathing has a sexual element in a male. Yes, he likes what he is doing. You can help mold that in a positive direction for both you and him. He most likely feels ashamed and strange. Why does he like this? He was told it was wrong but it feels right. You have those same thoughts admit it. But why do you feel it is wrong? Because someone said it was? What do they have to prove that? A book, a standard that was made years ago and now has no basis?

One of the first thoughts you had was "is he gay." You know he isn't because he with you. Now you are afraid you might be thought of in the same manner. You aren't anymore than he is. You are attracted to a healthy complete male...the clothes don't change that. They are just clothes. Scott is the same guy he was before he told you and you should be proud that he has chosen to share with you so that you both can work towards what I hope will be a life together.

Scott is still Scott, you are still you, and they are just clothes. Love the inside not the packaging.

[Sophie86]

The replies Ive had have helped me understand why it may be this way. He is struggling to feel comfortable within himself, so maybe I have to start banging on that brick wall to break it down. I never looked at it that way before I talked about it here today. I mean him feeling uncomfortable or nervous or even guilty about who he is. I just dont want him to feel that way and I need to reassure him that he doesnt need to feel that way. It really doesnt matter to me what clothes he wears. I just want him to be the Scott I know he really is and the Scott that I love so much all the time.

You have it right there, so I won't repeat any of the great advice you've already gotten. I just wanted to say how sensitive and intelligent your posts have been, and how confident I am that you and Scott will come through this together. My wife and I are in our 24th year of marriage, so take heart. It can be done. :)

[Christina Horton]

Society has placed things in our minds that are hard to get out. Most those things are wrong or at least not accurate.

Yes that true.


Scott is fighting those demons and you are too. But the truth is it is just clothes. Nothing more.

I don't quite agree with that. Sure when you brake it down yes it is but , It is also an identity that we share. If we did not wear clothes , how do you think we would express ourselves? If you get rid of the clothes and we behave like the women we are inside we would maybe look like (pardon the example) like a flaming gay man...Not a women. Clothes is in fact the way we can express our inner self's the way we want. So the clothes are important not to be dismissed. It helps us "find" our inner girl!!!




Physical things that have come to mean way more than just protection from the elements.

When its more then just that it becomes part of your personality not "just protection from the elements"!

So as you can see we all will not be able to agree with each others so every thing that you've read here will have to be your chose what advice to take and what to not......But I think you should take all my advice cuz I'm always right.....LOL.

[kendra_gurl]

Sara
Bless you Sweetheart

You have received so much information to process in such a short time I know it has to be overwhelming. The extent of ones desire to crossdress can be totally different for each of us. It also changes drastically over time. Think of it like looking at a clock.
If 12.00 is a total macho male,
3:00 a parttime closeted crossdresser,
6:00 A very comfortable out going crossdresser enjoying being seen by strangers
9:00 A daily crossdresser wishing to spend more time developing femininity
11:59 A total transexual well on her way to Sexual Reassignment

Untill recently you only knew Scott as perhaps at 2:00 A man who was caring and nice without being too macho Now you know he at least at 3:00 and probably more.
Not only do you need to take some time to find out where he really is at this time but also determine where you feel comfortable in him being.

My wife and I have been married 42 years. she's known for 30 and has helped for at least the last 15. So you'd think that me as Kendra would be close to 9:00 but I am not and really never want to be. We just spend the entire weekend shopping, going to the movie and to several casinos as girlfriends but I consider myself at best to be around 5:00 on the clock.

It was a lot of fun and very exciting while anticlimatic at the same time. A mix of expressing my feminity while all the time knowing I am not a female. Its difficult to explain.

Scott I am sure is thankful he has told you and that you have accepted him but sharing the actual experience of dressing with you may not be what he expected. For me personally unless we have (like last weekend) special plans or a special evening in mind I do not feel comfortable dressed around my wife just doing the normal evening routine of eating dinner then watching out favorite TV programs with limited conversation. I would feel like Why am I doing this and why would my wife be tollorating it.

Some of us, myself included, still secretly enjoy our time alone dressed while experimenting with different looks and just primping in the mirror. God knows we all love to dress for the mirror. I missed not being able to see my own reflection much while out last weekend.

I don't want to advise you since not know anything about Scott. I do hope with just a little insight about myself and what makes just one of thousands of crossdressers tick helps you think of the right questions to pursue with Scott.

Best of luck Sweetheart

[Shelly67]

Sara ....tis a real new time for you both . It's so refreshing to read comittment so strong ..... it's no wonder in this new phase you both feel a little uneasy and challenged .
Both my wife and I know exactly where you are right now .... and theres loads of us on here who've been in the same situation too.
One piece of advice I'll pass on - in this delicate time (as it worked for both my wife and myself , made it slightly easier to approach each other ) whilst you share moments dressed , try to make it fun . Innocent fun , like watching a humerous movie , board games , card games - anything but to break the moment TOGETHER . Be kind to yourself ..and each other . Take the stress and intensity out of the situation you just don't need it . Hopefully it'll allow the communication to flow ..........
Good luck to you both ....

[Zoe Preston]

Sara, You've received an enormous number of detailed and helpful responses. Can I just add one point that you should keep to the forefront ...... YOU are an amazing woman!

Seriously. Print it off so that when you hit any bumps in the road you can remind yourself that you can do anything.

Your obvious love for your husband is evident, equally that love is clearly reciprocated else you wouldn't make the efforts you have already done to come to terms with his (probably) startling confession. I would imagine that many on this board would have wished for such an un understanding spouse. (Yes. Me included, but I won't bore you with the details!)

Sift through the many excellent pieces of advice offered and decide what you think would work best for the two of you. If I can add only one piece of advice is would be to try to be able to speak freely. My wife is a wonderful woman but will not initiate any discussions (Hoping it will go away) which leaves me feeling that I've shared my biggest secret - but instead of dresssing in secret she now knows I'm dressing in secret :sad:

Discuss boundaries. Such as: Perhaps offer him 'alone' time at home if he'd rather not have you see him dressed initially. Specify that you always want a man in bed or no fondling whilst dressed. Whatever works for you pair of you. But encourage him to share his feelings as you share yours.

Good luck to the both of you,
Zoe

[suchacutie]

Hi Sara and let me add my welcome to the forum.

And a slightly different perspective on life with a supportive wife!

Most here know my story: I was 55 when I first dressed, and it was with my wife, and the bit of a joke turned into her saying, "We HAVE to buy you a dress". Well, that started a very intense and fast discussion about who this feminine person was that was inside me. We quickly decided that she (Tina) needed a life to herself and so we on purpose created a separation. My masculine and feminine selves were given their separate times and my wife treated them separately...still does! She is married to my masculine side (with all the intimacy that goes with it), and she is Tina's best girlfriend, platonic girlfriend! We have discovered that Tina has different likes and dislikes from the male me, certainly different interests, and very often different opinions! My wife explains it as, "a common data base (brain) but a different execution and use of that data." Two of us often talk about the third (me and my wife speaking of Tina, and she and my wife speaking of me!). My wife named Tina from a short list of names I might be happy with.

Since we started together, and since Tina is a joint project between the two of us, I've never experienced any of the anxiety that is often a part of this lifestyle. My wife is very protective of Tina, and enjoys her time with Tina as well. Tina enjoys many of the things my wife also enjoys that I, as a male, really have no interest in at all! For example, Tina and my wife will get together for a night of chick flicks. Heavens, my male side just can't stand them!

As you can see from my post and the many others in this thread, the coexistance of a masculine and feminine side in one body/mind is a complicated and individualistic thing. At this point he seems as confused about his feelings as anyone, and the fact that he has someone to talk to about it could very well be a completely new experience, requiring time to understand. The talking and research you are doing can only help. He needs, eventually, to be able to vocalize his feelings to you, but it will take a while for him to understand those feelings. The openness will always help to move that process along.

We're all here for both of you!

tina

[NicoleScott]

I don't quite agree with that. Sure when you brake it down yes it is but , It is also an identity that we share. If we did not wear clothes , how do you think we would express ourselves? If you get rid of the clothes and we behave like the women we are inside we would maybe look like (pardon the example) like a flaming gay man...Not a women. Clothes is in fact the way we can express our inner self's the way we want. So the clothes are important not to be dismissed. It helps us "find" our inner girl!!!


Let's use some caution here, and quit assuming that Scott's crossdressing is based on his inner feminine identity, or as Christine put it "like the women we are inside" and "inner girl". This could be true, and may not be, but there is nothing from Sara's many posts to give us a clue as to what drives Scott's crossdressing. It may be just about the clothes, as it is for so many of us who dress because we get pleasure from it. We do not identify as women, but are quite secure in our maleness and just like to dress up occasionally. Sara posted that she didn't want Scott to become a women, but some folks here are giving the idea that Scott's crossdressing is a step on the path of full-time crossdressing or even transitioning. This isn't reality, and isn't fair to Sara or Scott to make such an assumption. This is presenting just one view of crossdressing and some of you ought to know better.

Sara, yes, there are some crossdressers who have an inner feminine identity and desire to be in femme mode as much as possible. This is something you may want to discuss with Scott. But there are others, like me and many others, who just like to make up and dress up because we derive pleasure from it. For us, it is about the clothes. Scott may have a fetish for something, and there's nothing wrong with that. Knowing what is driving Scott's crossdressing desires might help you to understand and deal with the apprehension and uncertainty that both of you seem to be experiencing. So keep talking. Maybe it is just about the clothes, but you should know if you are to understand.

[bridgetta]

i told my girl a while ago.. but i dont feel like doing it in front of her.. she wonders about it.. but me personally,, its totally harmless and fun... but. to save her the trouble of the confusion i dont do it.. maybe someday if she sees it the way i do , ,and i know how to present it... the thing is.. for me.. i love the chaos of illusion.. unfortunatly that can be super confusing.. i think the confusion is what makes is addictive... illusion.. reality... i dont know.. its an escape.... its also crazy and psychological.... he may not know what the heck he thinks.. or what to do... i imagine its hard for you... i dont know what to tell you, other than.. laughing is ok.. and aware that its hard for him...
we are just people..

it feels like three people.. but there really is two.. the idea that fabric changes that is the confusion... that intellectual problem is interesting somehow... but really.. THERE ARE JUST TWO PEOPLE! haha

[Fab Karen]

Sounds like he hasn't accepted himself, so that becomes an issue between you. If you could get him to see a couples therapist, it could really help him- but be sure to tell him it's for both communication issues and for him to accept himself, NOT to try to "cure" him. And you'll need to search for a decent therapist that doesn't think it's a disorder that needs "curing."

[Christina Horton]

Let's use some caution here, and quit assuming that Scott's crossdressing is based on his inner feminine identity, or as Christine put it "like the women we are inside" and "inner girl". This could be true, and may not be, but there is nothing from Sara's many posts to give us a clue as to what drives Scott's crossdressing. It may be just about the clothes, as it is for so many of us who dress because we get pleasure from it. We do not identify as women, but are quite secure in our maleness and just like to dress up occasionally. Sara posted that she didn't want Scott to become a women, but some folks here are giving the idea that Scott's crossdressing is a step on the path of full-time crossdressing or even transitioning. This isn't reality, and isn't fair to Sara or Scott to make such an assumption. This is presenting just one view of crossdressing and some of you ought to know better.

Sara, yes, there are some crossdressers who have an inner feminine identity and desire to be in femme mode as much as possible. This is something you may want to discuss with Scott. But there are others, like me and many others, who just like to make up and dress up because we derive pleasure from it. For us, it is about the clothes. Scott may have a fetish for something, and there's nothing wrong with that. Knowing what is driving Scott's crossdressing desires might help you to understand and deal with the apprehension and uncertainty that both of you seem to be experiencing. So keep talking. Maybe it is just about the clothes, but you should know if you are to understand.

You have very good points. I just wanted to make sure she has all the info that it "could" be for Scott ! For armed is for warned EH?

[Momarie]

Sometimes it can also boil down to this:

Are you willing to reverse roles?
Are you willing to reverse roles in the bedroom?
Are you willing to.....do things that go against YOUR nature?

I found out much much much later in the relationship, he was pretending to be a woman when we made love.
That broke my heart. I felt like nothing then.
I always felt there was something wrong with me......and he let me believe that.

[sissystephanie]

Sara,

I told my late wife that I was a crossdresser when I proposed to her! She accepted me, with the only provision being that I was her man no matter what kind of clothing I was wearing!! since I have never had any desire to become a woman that was no problem! We enjoyed almost 50 years together before cancer took her!!

One of the best things we did was to communicate!! By that, I mean we had sitdown conversations about almost everthing, including of course my crossdressing! She did set some boundaries about where I could go dressed and how I could dress!! Because I loved her (Still do!!) I accepted most of her boundaries, some with minor changes! Open and honest communication is the best way to really get along!! BTW, she and I often went out to eat and shop as 2 girls!!

I hope everything works out between you and Scott!!

[t-girlxsophie]

Hi Sara

Theres not much more I can add without repeating points already made,I can only say theres not an Instruction manual for Loved ones about how to deal with finding out the one you love Crossdresses.lthough my wife knew from the start about Sophie,there was still some misunderstandings because she understandably didn't know the full facts of how being in love with a crossdresser was going to go,The first time she "met" Sophie was such a nerve wracking ocassion for us both,But after that and the discussions that followed we both vowed to communicate if either of us had any worries,6 years later 3 as a married cpl we are happy together and even now communication is still the key.

I truly hope that you and Scott come through this period of discovery (for the both of you)all the stronger as a couple.Everyone here is behind you all the way

Sophie

[2SpeedTranny]

He's not being selfish; he's afraid of losing you. And judging by your command of language, with good reason. Fear is the most powerful of human emotions. Sometimes it can save your life; at other times it can be devastating.

A man has to know that his woman has his back.

Get him a beer, give him a back rub, and be patient. Repeat. It'll be fine.

[Natalie Wood]

Wow, already so much advice and thoughts. I couldn't help but notice the similarities in your story compared to me and my wife when I told her. I agree with SamanthaS that it is probably just going to take some time to get relaxed about it all. It is a very emotional process that my wife and I went through. She was very similar to you in that she was very understanding, loving and encouraging. But it took us a solid 2 weeks of talking every night about all of our feelings about it. So if you two are not talking that much about your feelings then I would recommend doing so.

After we got through the tough times and got to understand one another's needs and concerns, it has been really, really, really nice! We do shop together and sometimes dress together at night when the kids are asleep. She always has constructive advice for me. Basically we have been able to find a good BALANCE. And that is the key.

Scott needs to find some balance. You still need him to be the man that you love and know. But your willingness to allow him to be himself and cd is obviously difficult for him to balance. I am sure that you have talked to him about this. I try to be careful not to let my cd time whether it is shopping online or dressing up, take up too much time from my family. I know that I have it good and I do not want to take advantage of that. So I think it will just take a lot of COMMUNICATION and TIME to sort through you and Scott's needs and concerns.

I actually learned a lot from this forum when I first came out to my wife. I am happy to see that you are trying to make it work. Good luck to you both. I have a good feeling that you two will find balance and have a long happy life together.

[Jill Devine]

Sometimes it can also boil down to this:

Are you willing to reverse roles?
Are you willing to reverse roles in the bedroom?
Are you willing to.....do things that go against YOUR nature?
I found out much much much later in the relationship, he was pretending to be a woman when we made love.
That broke my heart. I felt like nothing then.
I always felt there was something wrong with me......and he let me believe that.

STOP. PLEASE.

Sara's situation could easily be 180 degrees apart from yours. But what you may succeed in is to project your problems onto her. She has enough to deal with.

Sara: you sound like a wonderful soul and the world needs more people like you!

My advice is simple: other people's situations is not a predictor of your future. Your situation is personal and unique. Deal with it a step at a time without any generalizations. Take advice here but don't take it to heart either. Someone in this thread used a brilliant analogy of a clock: well just because someone else's clock says 11pm doesn't mean you are late. LOL. You guys could live happily between 3pm and 5pm for life. You never know. But time tells all.

[Jenny Doolittle]

Sara,

I think the best thing you could do is allow Scott to see you posts and all the following posts. This forum is an excellent place to get the topic out in the open so couples can actually be truthful with each other. (certainly important for a couple about to marry).

[anonymousinmaryland]

Everyone here contributed a chapter with wonderful hindsight, valuable information and answers to many of your questions. I suggest you stay on this sight, and read, read and read. And like one said, talk to him, talk to him, and then talk some more. Thanks for your post. It WILL help others.

[kym]

Sara, First off welcome to the board I truly hope you will stay around a while, we can be fun most of the time lol.
I may end up repeating some of the advice given here, but it is important and excellent advice. One thing I have not seen mentioned is the one thing that helped my wife understand me and me understand her: Scott is the person you fell in love with, you need to decide whether it matters what clothes he is wearing or which gender role he is acting in. There will come a point where you view Scott as not a man or a woman but both blended into one body and thats when the comfort level of both of you is like a normal couple's would be without the crossdressing aspect thrown in. He might be a transexual person, or he may be bi, at this point he probably does not know. Those may be things that develop over time, and thats natural, or they may never come into play. But the one thing that has come into play is the fact that he felt comfortable enough and confident enough to revel that aspect of who he is and that is something special in so many ways. It may be time to have open and honest discussions with him about his feelings, and just as importantly your feelings.He is very apprehensive and scared right now but those feelings will go away with time. Once you decide how you feel about him being a crossdresser you can help him a lot, it sounds to me like you already know how you feel about the subject and its a wonderful thing. Now the rest needs to proceed at a pace both of you are comfortable with, is it enough right now for him to dress in the flat occasionally? or does he want more? those are things that will develop over time as well, but it takes time. He must be comfortable in his own skin in a way, and thats one place where most get stuck or confused, help him understand what he is feeling by asking gentle questions of him as you go along. When he is comfortable around the flat then he may consider going out with you shopping or he may not, once again this takes time. Notice the main theme of my post is it takes time with most if not all of these issues.

I hope I wasn't rambling too much and that I helped, feel free to pm me if you would like and I will answer any questions that I can honestly.

[Breannah]

Firstly, its clearly great that you accept his dressing and will continue to let him do it! I know the first time i ever came out to a girlfriend (well ex im very close freinds with still) i just felt so ashamed whenever i dressed with her. Well that was only over webcam, every time i went to do it in person, i just couldn't make myself do it. to everyone else in person im quite a Lads Lad and would probably loose a fair share of my male mates if they found out! Would i be right in guessing Scott is quite a masculine man normally so feels ashamed of his feminine side? As others have said, the best thing you can do is go give him that big hug when he's dressed and have an intimate talk while snuggled up about how you see his personality when dressed :). Im sure if he truly loves you he will listen to what you say and change for the better. Both of you will enjoy his dressing better when he's assured you are fine with it and still love him in shorts or skirts :) Hope it all goes ok
Pete/Bre xx

[Raynefall]

I just want to start off by saying that since I have joined this forum I feel a lot better about my myself. It is very nice to know that there are a lot of other people out there who have gone through what I am going through and much more. This is a great community and I hope that you can get the help you need here.

Your reaction I don't think was too bad. I mean to find out something like that all of a sudden you would have to be more on the side of laughing. Kind of an odd thing to just say. Lol. It doesn't sound real. So that was completely understandable.

Now as someone who hasn't come out to his gf yet I can't really say a whole lot. But what I can say is that it seems like he does care for you and obviously you care for him. I think that like Holly said the two of you just need to have a nice night together and ease in to talking about how you are feeling. Don't make him feel threatened by what you are saying. Just make sure he knows that you love him and you accept his dressing but he has to be aware that you are being treated differently when he is en femme.

When it comes to the shopping I can even say that if I were to come out to my gf I would probably still be too akward to do that for a little bit. It would take a little bit of time to wash off the feelings of being shy about it.

But when it all comes down to it the way you have handled everything so far has been amazing. If I could get those results I would be very happy. So kudos to you for at least being open minded about it all and not letting it ruin what you have with someone. Bottom line is just talk to him about it. If he loves you he will understand and work to correct it. I wish you two the best of luck and I hope it all works out.

[ReineD]

I said earlier that when Scott is dressed, I end up feeling like it wouldnt matter if I was there or not. That is such a change from how he is towards me when he isnt dressed when he makes me feel like the most important woman in the world. It is that change in his attitude towards me that I am struggling to cope with.

It takes a while for it all to fall into place, both for him and you.

He could be feeling a bit at odds, being dressed while being with you. One side of him may want to be the guy with you since this is how you've been together so far, while his other side may feel somewhat embarrassed, or she may feel she should be more like a gal-pal friend than a lover when dressed. I don't know any of this, just bringing up possibilities.

Communication is key, and also an ability to be together while he is dressed without having to drink. You don't want to get into that habit.

You may just want to go ahead and snuggle with him while he's dressed and watch a movie? Or would that feel odd to you?

I'm a GG, and it has gotten to the point where I always see the same person, whether my SO dresses or not. And the transitions from one to the other feel so fluid, so seamless. :)

If you're interested in joining FAB, you can click on the link below my signature and follow the instructions.

Welcome to the forum! :hugs:

[DonniDarkness]

Hi Sara i have been keeping up with this thread but others here have given great advice.

If i could add anything at all it would be that my wife and i have been where you and scott are now.

Honestly it takes time after telling the one you love most in the world that you are a crossdresser....its like all the insecurities you have ever had about it are intensified and it leaves you in this emotional and mental vertigo. He is most likely going thru this right now. So my advice is,if you want to help him just be patient and things will fall into place. Like Reine says above about the boy mode to girl mode being a fluid transition, as we come out of the closet to those we love it takes us time to redifine who, where and what we are. Because, before we had the courage to come forward with our gender identities we had no one to share our other side with. Over time and communication this awkwardness subsides and you come to the place where you see each other thru the clothing and makeup.

Love Conquers All. Love, Listen and Speak. and above all else be honest about your needs as a couple, even tho they might be personal needs, because you two are in this together..... so Celebrate it daily

a Kindred Soul,
-Donni-

[SusieK]

Sara,
There has already been lots of good advice, so I won't repeat what has been said already. For that reason anything extra that I have to add may tip towards critical rather than positive, if so please balance it against the other posts.

In order to encourage open and honest communication, I would recommend letting him know you've been on this site. For a start if in the space of a couple of days you are suddenly clued up on all the issues surrounding crossdressing he may wonder where all this knowledge and advice has come from. When you react differently around him next time he's dressed, I think it reasonable that your behaviour includes your interpretation of advice from this site. Also, he is no longer the one with the secret - you are, so you have the right to unburden yourself too.

The only issue I can see with this thread (that he may not be delighted about) is names.
If you're using his real name (or yours for that matter), consider that one (not the only) reason for CDers having a girl name on this site is just as an alias so that our real name is not out on the internet for anyone to see (the guilt and shame thing again)

In terms of his level of self-acceptance and being 'out' to his partner, while I agree that feelings of self-consciousness and not knowing whether you are 'really' OK with it are quite likely -
It is also possible that he may enjoy the secrecy, and sharing with an SO may not be the experience he is after. Now that the secrecy has gone, the experience will definitely have changed to some degree.

Your level of acceptance and willingness to understand is something that many CDers can only wish for. Therefore to actually get that level of acceptance would be quite a shock. Doing this in secret does provide reassuring boundaries, whereas with apparent total acceptance any boundaries need to be self imposed and the CDer needs to know themselves much better - it comes back to the suggestions of others - in an ideal world how far would he go? Will you then need to reign in the acceptance and agree a compromise that you are both happy with?

Keep talking, and both take it slowly.

Susie (not my real name)

[JamieG]

Sara,

I've come a bit late to this thread, and most of what I would have said has already been said by others. I will add one thought though: crossdressers spend their entire lives trying to hide their secret. It becomes second nature to us. Thus, even when it is no longer a secret, it is difficult to be open about it. A few months after I came out to my wife, she came home from work and asked me if I dressed while she was out. I almost lied and said "No" even though I had no reason to hide it from her. I had to fight this instinct and get used to being honest and truthful about crossdressing. You mention that Scott seems withdrawn when dressed, he may just be getting used to having it out in the open. One other possibility is he may be waiting for you to set the tone of your relationship when he is dressed. I don't usually dress around my wife, but the when I did, she would usually ask that we not be too cuddly. It weirded her about a bit. I know you've said this is not the case with you, but maybe Scott is worried that it is.

Anyway, you sound like a very intelligent and caring woman, and I hope that you and Scott can get back to the intimacy you once shared. You may even find that this draws you closer. My wife has often said that knowing my deepest secret has made her feel closer to me. We our approaching our 10 year anniversary, and she has known of my dressing for eight of those years.

Jamie

[Vickie_CDTV]

One thing I don't think anyone has mentioned yet (and am a bit surprised) is how Scott feels about himself as a man. Some of us have/had a poor self image of ourselves as men, and have felt inadequate or unworthy. In fact, it isn't uncommon for some men in general to feel this way, whether they dress or not, and it can cause these kinds of issues in relationships. I'll even go further out on a limb and add that if he has not had much experience with relationships with GGs to begin with this can be even worse. ( I am speaking from experience, I have always felt inadequate as a man, still do, and have had similar problems in my relationships.)

One reason he may be pulling away is that he is ashamed of himself and ashamed for you to seem him dressed, and/or he is not worthy of your love because he dresses. If he is feeling this way, talk to him about it, and you love him whether he dresses or not. He may need you to positively reinforce his masculinity and that he is not less of a man for being a dresser etc.

[Sara99]

Hi everyone

Thank you for all the replies I've had since I was last here. Sorry that I haven't replied sooner but yesterday I was at work all day and in the evening Scott is here so it was impossible for me to come online and respond.

Scott came hom from work on thursday and I told him that I wanted to chat to him about this. We are going to stay in tonight and have our chat then. Ive been out shopping today and have bought Scott a present which I will give to him later after our chat. The present ive got him is a voucher for both of us at a salon so that we can both be pampered at the same time and it is valid for quite some time so it is something we can both do together and when Scott is good and ready.

Ive so many questions I want to ask him but most of all I want to show to him that I am supportive. But I do have some concerns. I dont want him to feel guilty or nervous around me and most of all I want him to remain affectionate towards me whether he is dressed or not. I feel really nervous about tonight but I hope that he understands where I am coming from and that my problem isnt with him dressing but how he acts towards me when he dresses. I will also tell him that I realise it isn't easy for him and that I will be there for him always.

Vickie, I think you are right. I think he does feel ashamed. I just dont want him to. He doesnt need to feel ashamed with me. I love him so much and although i know he knows that he now needs to know that I love him just as much after he's told me that he crossdresses.

JamieG, That is why I will give him time. I want him to feel comfortable dressing in front of me and I need to show him that he doesnt have to hide it anymore. I think you may be right when you say about me setting the tone while he is dressed. When he isnt, he is the assertive one in our relationship and makes me feel like he wants me so much. I think that when he is dressed that I have to do this for him and show him that I want him so much.

Susie, I want to show him this thread but I am scared to do so because he may resent me for putting so much personal info on here about our situation. Sometimes its easier to write down how I feel than it is to say it and the replies Ive had have given me so much encouragement. I just needed to talk about this with someone and because I wont break Scott's confidence by telling any of my friends, all of you have been a really important outlet for me. I hope Scott understands that.

To everyone who has taken the time to reply to me I want you to know that I value everything that you have said and your warmth towards me has made me feel every emotional. Thank you. I probably wont show Scott this thread just yet but because you've all been so kind I will promise you all that I will keep you updated. Scott will be home from football shortly and I feel nervous about tonight but also confident that tonight will go well.

Luv and kisses to you all

Sara
xxx

[kimdl93]

about all anyone needs is love, acceptance, encouragement, patience and time....give him those and all will be well.

[AKAMichelle]

We have all gone through this accepting ourselves stage, but most of us had to do it by ourselves. Scott is very lucky to have someone to explore that journey with him / her. I hope everything goes well for both of you.

Scott if you ever do read this, understand you have a very special woman there beside you. She is doing what many women are incapable of after finding this secret out in such a short time. I hope that both of you enjoy your spa time. That sounds like a lot of fun.

[Holly]

Sara, we are all pulling for you and Scott. When you are having your chat with with him tonight, try to ask your questions in a way that cannot be misundersrood as being accusatory. For example, instead of asking, "Why do you cross dress?", say something like, "Help me to understand why you dress." You don't want to say anything that could be misunderstood and shut down the communication. Make sure Scott understands that, "I don't know" is a proper and acceptable response as long as that is the truth. At the same time, you have to be honest with him about how you are feeling. He needs to know that you crave the same affection and attention whether s/he is dressed or not.

Finally, a long and happy relationship is very possible with a transgender partner. My wife and I will celebrate our 43rd year of marriage later this year. The key is to build the relationship on a solid foundation of trust, truth, and togetherness. Add to that a generous helping of respect and a bag of forgivness. now, go out and have some fun!

[Debutante]

Scott decribes a lot of what I feel and have gone through: the guilt and shame, the inhibitions with others, the confused feelings... this can be
very difficult for him with another person.
Tough it out: if you love each other, talk, work it out... Scott needs to deal with these feelings... you are a wonderful woman, and Scott needs you,
but you need to deal with your feelings equally...

[Fab Karen]

Sometimes it can also boil down to this:

Are you willing to reverse roles?
Are you willing to reverse roles in the bedroom?
Are you willing to.....do things that go against YOUR nature?

I found out much much much later in the relationship, he was pretending to be a woman when we made love.
That broke my heart. I felt like nothing then.
I always felt there was something wrong with me......and he let me believe that.

Don't take Momarie's experience as true for all CD's- Just as with any other group of people you can name, not all are alike.

[betty1253]

My thoughts...
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?153213-The-hardest-part-of-having-an-accepting-SO-is....

[Momarie]

Sorry forgot my manners, as a GG I shouldn't say anything.

[sandra-leigh]

Sorry forgot my manners, as a GG I shouldn't say anything.

I don't know what you encompassed in saying "switch roles". I am still expected to be "the muscle", and to pay all the household expenses.

My wife objects strongly to switching roles in the bedroom: if I go to pick up the many books and magazines she has scattered all over the floor (a walking hazard!) she gets upset. Unless dusting counts? She doesn't mind if I dust.

Do I expect my wife to do things "against her nature"? Yes, absolutely: I expect her to leave me enough space in our bedroom closet to hang up at least 3 shirts. Her "nature" is to take over all available closet and dresser space everywhere in the house.

I can say with complete certainty that in my own relationship, I have never been "pretending to be a woman when we made love".

[Jenniferathome]

Sara, I've been thinking about your post for several days now. First, THE most important thing to remember is that you are not to blame for any feelings you have. No woman can be prepared for the coming out talk. We cross dressers have had years and years to get used to ourselves.

You appear to be a fantastically accepting women, just as my wife is. I can tell you that even though my wife and I discuss my cross dressing frequently, I still suffer some embarrassment when discussing it or when trying on clothes in front of her, perhaps that Scott's situation as well. It is a challenge to rationalize the man we are with the woman we like to be on occasion.

I would recommend talking about his cross dressing when he is not dressed. Be as open and frank as possible. More importantly, talk about the boundary conditions that make you uncomfortable. Again, in my experience, I was so worried about crossing some line that made my wife uncomfortable, I felt on edge. We talked about what is ok (being fully dressed is ok with her) and what is not (being intimate). I am very lucky and so is Scott. Talk. Talk often. Hold nothing back. You'll both be happier. Good luck

[Momarie]

Fine, pretend you don't know what in the world I could possibly be talking about.

[Rachel05]

Sara, you sound like a superstar in my eyes, what a great girl you are, with that much support it has to be easier, good to see you being like this and yes please do keep us informed, been great to see so much support for you both

[Raynefall]

That's great! I am happy to hear that you are going to be so pro-active in this situation. We will all be waiting to hear how it went.

[Deidra Cowen]

Fine, pretend you don't know what in the world I could possibly be talking about.

You of course were quite right to post what you did...but most here want to ignore the troubles and problems that come along with us CDs/Tgirls/TSs. (Most of us are a mess!) It makes me mad that a lot of CDs trap poor GGs into a relationship then spring the surprise on them.

Sara...you take things at your own speed, if you are fine with a CDing BF I hope you work it out. You seem super sweet and caring. On the other hand, if you really want a macho guy, cut your losses and move on.

[Saoirse]

You of course were quite right to post what you did...but most here want to ignore the troubles and problems that come along with us CDs/Tgirls/TSs. (Most of us are a mess!) It makes me mad that a lot of CDs trap poor GGs into a relationship then spring the surprise on them.

Sara...you take things at your own speed, if you are fine with a CDing BF I hope you work it out. You seem super sweet and caring. On the other hand, if you really want a macho guy, cut your losses and move on.

ACK! You got me! Youth and wishful thinking. :(

Back on topic...

Given the advice you've received already Sara, I have nothing more to add, other than to wish you and Scott the best of luck.

[Vickie_CDTV]

Momarie, your comments are absolutely valid. I only feel I would avoid jumping to conclusions at this very early point in her relationship. Not every CD is like that, and I wouldn't want to scare her. You are right in that she should be aware of the possibility, and the fact he is pulling away might be a sign of your concerns.

[sandra-leigh]

Fine, pretend you don't know what in the world I could possibly be talking about.

I really have no idea what does or does not "go against YOUR nature", let alone Sara's (and, please, no TMI!). But if you want to generalize about sexual roles or whether specific sexual acts are "within the nature" of women, then I suggest you first visit your local "alternative lifestyle" coordinating committee or club and see who is initiating what.

[Fab Karen]

Sorry forgot my manners, as a GG I shouldn't say anything.
Your experience isn't true for all. My experience as a CD isn't true for all. Nothing in that says/implies you shouldn't share your experience.

[giuseppina]

It takes a while for it all to fall into place, both for him and you.

He could be feeling a bit at odds, being dressed while being with you. One side of him may want to be the guy with you since this is how you've been together so far, while his other side may feel somewhat embarrassed, or she may feel she should be more like a gal-pal friend than a lover when dressed. I don't know any of this, just bringing up possibilities.

Communication is key, and also an ability to be together while he is dressed without having to drink. You don't want to get into that habit.


Hello Sara

Reine has it right. Scott may be rather scared right now about where this is taking the two of you.

It's important not to push him too far out of his comfort zone. I can only guess from what you've written that he is outside his comfort zone at the moment.

If after a reasonable period of time, say 6 months, things haven't changed much, perhaps it would be a good idea to consult a duly qualified and licensed gender therapist.

[Samantha_Smile]

Ive really not got time to read all of these posts.
Sara, first of all welcome, youve come to the right place.
Your original post described 80% of what happened with me and my fiance, different circumstances, but all the emotions seem the same.
I promise you one thing... Right now, he's pooping himself that you will leave him, and he's probably strugling with 15 years or more of guilt, shame and fear.
You just gotta be there for him, if he starts to talk, let him. He will probably begin to ramble about it as Im guessing youre the only person he's told, he's got a lot of backed up, repressed feelings and they have to come out, so please dont stifle this, regardless of how bored you may get of hearing about it.
He needs you more than you can know. The turmoil in telling you really only shows how much of a dilema it was for him to tell you
Tell her> lose her. Dont tell her> live with shame, guilt and fear, she might still find out for herself, so still lose her.


You will get there, just stay honest with eachother.
Best wishes you two!
x

[Transformed]

HI Sara,

I just wanted to say what a wonderful woman you are.

I am sure I speak for alot of CD who could only dream of having such a supportive partner.

If you have a twin sister, or a sister for that matter I'm free for a date anytime.

I know things are difficult at the moment, but with the understanding and support you are showing Scott I'm pretty sure you'll be able to work through any difficulties you face.

Thanks for your posts, it's been a pleasure to read them.

[BRANDYJ]

Hi Sara, I want to welcome you to our home. I won't try to add to all the good advice that others have offered. But I will say this: In my opinion, if love is there for the both of you, and you both put your relationship before everything else, then things will work out. It takes time. Not just for you, but for your guy too. This is all new to the both of you. There is many things that will come up and will need to be discussed. Boundaries will need to be set and agreed upon. No rush...just try to enjoy each other as you always have up until the time he added to your knowledge of who he is. He's trying to find a balance of being your man and yet being his fem self when he needs to. Many of us worry about what our GG's think of us when we show this feminine side. We think we need to keep out masculine side above all else. And in doing so, we may clam up or even try to avoid all talk of our desire to dress.
It's hard being the man a woman wants and to be a woman that we want to be sometimes.

[darla_g]

Sara,
wow the response to this thread is incredible. I'm sure you have gotten an incredible amount of feedback from everyone.

My only question to you at this point is whether you've told Scott that you've signed up here and whether he's decided to check it out. You might want to caution him in that event because if I were him and I came here and saw this thread, I would Freak!!

Seriously I probably would not like a bunch of people discussed me, or my habits and more importantly my relationship. well maybe that's just me.

Like I said before good luck.....

[Rianna Humble]

I probably would not like a bunch of people discussed me, or my habits and more importantly my relationship.

Isn't that what a large number of threads are about? People's relationship with their SO, how to tell, what to do if the SO is less than 100% supportive? The biggest difference here is that Sara's thread is about how she can support her SO and make him feel at ease being with her en femme.

I think that Sara did a wonderful thing starting this thread and asking the questions that will allow her to understand what her bf is going through since he came out to her.

[Joanne f]

To just being on this site you are opening up a parts of your life to others sometimes without you even realising it , to ask for and sharing knowledge or experience of a subject that can affect relationships sometimes has to be a bit personal but i am sure that we all have the respect to understand this and that anyone coming here for any type of help will understand this and that the SOs of partners who are looking for help will also understand this as it is done to make life more happier and not to belittle anyone . you have to admire anyone who looks for knowledge so that they can help someone else who is struggling in life with something .

[TGMarla]

....eagerly awaiting the results from the other night........:idontknow:

[Areyan]

i'm interested to hear the results of this chat as well. and JamieTG's~SO - i am glad you also shared your experience. although everyone does have a different experience, each one is valid and i'm sorry that the others jumped on you so harshly for sharing yours. i too had a negative experience with my CD-turned-TS and though i have much to share about that time i don't wish to annoy the others with my experience - it's just one of many. another CD here put it very bluntly but correctly when she suggested that if Sara isn't happy with a CD for a partner and wants a macho guy to run for the hills. any relationship that involves a person with unresolved gender issues is bound for trouble and it's not silly of any of us to warn or share our experiences with both positive AND negative outcomes.

Sara, my partner was a CD and came out to me in much the same spirit as your Scott did. we were both nearing 30 at the time, (we're the same age) and are approaching our 34th birthdays soon. i was just as accepting as you were at first and thought i was going to be cool with it. however my sweetie reacted much the same way as your Scott and it never got any better. no matter how many girly items i bought her or how understanding i tried to be, it was clear that she did NOT accept herself and had major issues with it. this in turn caused me to start hating it and not wanting to deal with it every time she got dressed and miserable - the two went together like lovers.

i'm going to be honest with you in saying that IF your partner has got a major gender issue then your pleas for romance while he is dressed will be completely ignored. Scott will need to see a gender therapist if his cross-dressing continues to be like this because if it continues and communication with him does not ease his distress, the relationship will ultimately suffer for it. unfortunately he will ruin it if he can't find a way to accept himself for whatever he is, whether that be CD or TS. you have expressed the same disdain and fear that i did about my partner becoming TS, though mine had more of a self-terrifying element to it (zero guesses as to what my problem was, it's all over my profile) - but at the time that i was dealing with Amy's reality my nightmare about her being TS actually came true. i hope yours doesn't because you sound quite firm about not wanting a transsexual girlfriend. i would hazard a guess that Scott is also terrified that you think this and probably with good reason if this goes beyond dressing up for him.

you're probably scratching your head reading my response and seeing my gender identity. ;) sorry about that, i confuse a lot of people. i have not always identified as FTM myself and i was just like you when i first came here looking for support. i am still with Amy now but we have broken up twice during this time because of the issues with acceptance on both sides. still praying that we'll work after all of this but prepared to wait for her anyway - been with Amy now since 2005 and still love her to this day, even though we both have these issues, lol.

[satin n lace]

I have just recently told my wife also she is really suported of the whole thing. i wish you guys all the luck and it has brought my wife and i closer mentally and physically keep us posted.

[darla_g]

To just being on this site you are opening up a parts of your life to others sometimes without you even realising it , to ask for and sharing knowledge or experience of a subject that can affect relationships sometimes has to be a bit personal but i am sure that we all have the respect to understand this and that anyone coming here for any type of help will understand this and that the SOs of partners who are looking for help will also understand this as it is done to make life more happier and not to belittle anyone . you have to admire anyone who looks for knowledge so that they can help someone else who is struggling in life with something .

Now wait a minute! We're here because we choose to be here and reveal as much or as little of ourselves as we feel comfortable. I am speaking from the perspective of someone who may not be comfortable sharing all of this with the world. He chose to share it with his partner, but may not care to share it with the "world". Just saying...

I'm not being critical of Sara who came here for some insight and some guidance dealing with something she is not necessarily familiar with, but I am putting myself in Scott's position. and that is why i made the suggestion that Sara needs to mention all of this to Scott. I know if I were Scott I may not necessarily like being discussed.

[Cindy_Act]

There's lots of good advice here and I'm sure you'll find it helpful. Perhaps I can add just a little based on my own experience.....When I first told my wife about my crossdressing 3 years ago she was extremely upset. Much more than I ever expected. But we agreed our marriage was worth saving and decided to work through it. We sought some professional councelling. No doubt in hindsight that had to be the best thing we could have done. After several sessions I began to understand my wife's fears and issues (which I had greatly underestimated) and in turn it helped her to understand more about my crossdressing and associated needs.

I know it's an old cliche, but the underlying theme was about compromise and time. We both needed to meet somewhere in the middle but this was a slow process and I had to allow her plenty of time to adjust. Perhaps in time you may accept Scott's dressing but he needs to understand where you are coming from too. In the meantime....little steps you feel comfortable with...and don't let anyone rush you...For what it's worth, my wife still does not want to see me dressed...but she has helped me to buy clothes and jeweller....to both of us, that is a huge leap forward from where we were 3 years ago. And we're still making ground a tiny bit at a time. Keep the lines of communication going and all the best of luck to the both of you.

[Joanne f]

darla_g,
i am not saying that your viewpoint is wrong , in fact it is a valued one which should be taken into account as it is something that can also affect relationships , it is finding the right balance that is sometimes difficult , how much information do you give out and to who to get the right information you need .

[Christina Horton]

How did the talk go? We all want to know!

[TGMarla]

It looks like Sara disappeared. I hope it all went well.

[katesometimes]

Susie, I want to show him this thread but I am scared to do so because he may resent me for putting so much personal info on here about our situation. Sometimes its easier to write down how I feel than it is to say it and the replies Ive had have given me so much encouragement. I just needed to talk about this with someone and because I wont break Scott's confidence by telling any of my friends, all of you have been a really important outlet for me. I hope Scott understands that.

Hi Sara, I want to say that I think you are being a superstar in how you are dealing with this. But I'm also thinking that the sooner you tell him about your posts here the better. He may be upset about it, but the longer you keep this from him the more likely it will be a bigger issue. Secrets from each other are never healthy to a relationship.