GG Friend - Please Help!

[collegecd]

As my name suggests I am a 22 year old straight cd living in the US. I have told 4 people my big secret. The first person I told was my girlfriend at the time about 2 years ago. She broke up with me the next day. The second was one of my long time best friends who lives in chicago (I live about 4 hours south in a big city), her first response (I sent her an email) was that it didn't change how she thought of me and that she had some cute clothes I could borrow (this was a joke because she is about 10 sizes smaller than me) but none the less a great reaction. I later asked her to take me out wearing matching costumes on halloween in chicago where no one else would know me and she happily agreed (we went as go go girls). While that experience was ok, she didnt really help out with my look (it was kind of awkward with her two girl roommates who were going out with us even though they were really nice) and I didnt wear any makeup because she didnt offer and thus I just looked like an ugly guy in a dress and boots and I became very self conscious as i was getting a lot of looks, so ended up saying I wasnt feeling good and left by myself the big party we went to after being there an hour only to sit on her couch alone the rest of halloween night and watch tv. Well after that we kind of stopped talking to each other because I felt like I was creeping her out by texting her all the time about clothes and she never seemed to initiate any of our conversations (text). So I decided to just let it go and if she wanted to text me she would. Anyway shortly after that I went to go visit another friend at a college 2 hours away. I have known this girl since I was 4 and we have been friends our entire life. Well I decided to tell her face to face one night while we were alone watching tv in her room. She just gave me a smile and said thats fine and asked a couple questions like who else have i told and then she dropped the subject. After that she stopped stopped talking to me (we havent talked much anyway since she went away to go to college 4 years ago) and while we still call each other friends and have no problems between us, she clearly has put up a wall between me and her as I have tried to reach out to her by texting her a few times only to get no response at all. The fourth person I told was a friend whom I have been close with for about 10 years now and also attends the same college I go to. She has a great personality and we talk very often. I decided on a whim to text her that I wanted to tell her a big secret. I told her I have secret feminine side to me that likes to wear womens clothes and paint my toenails and she honestly thought I was messing with her. Well I told her I wasnt messing with her and she still said "well i still think your messing with me but if you arent then I am always down to go get manis/pedis" and the she dropped the subject so I let it go. We continued to text frequently for a few days as we usually do (not mentioning anything to do with my secret) and then I decided to throw in a text in the middle of one of our conversations saying that I really want to get some new tory burch flats. I was really nervous that she was going to be weirded out by that because I hadnt really talked to her about anything feminine other than when I texted her telling my secret. She responded "what color?", to which I replied "silver", and she responded "have them." Since then we have been talking more and more about clothes and feminine stuff (which was my main objective) She even invited me to go get a mani/pedi with her (couldn't go :-/ had to work). My only concern is that like one of my friends before I am worried I am creeping her out. I keep asking her if she will let me tag along with her shopping soon or invite me again to go get manis/pedis to which she says yes but she still has yet to invite me to do anything with her. I am worried that I am starting to annoy her with my constant talk of womens shoes and clothes as it seems I am always initiating the conversation (text) and even when I try to talk about something else, I always end up getting back on the clothes subject. I dont want to overwhelm her and make her uncomfortable and lose her as a close friend because she has been an amazing friend since I told her a month ago. I will say today she sent me a picture message out of the blue of her new jimmy choo heels she had just got asking me if I like them. Also her birthday is tomorrow and I plan on getting her some earrings from Tiffanys to thank her and tell her how much she means as a friend. My ultimate hope for her would be that she'll one day take me shopping and even give me a makeover one day but that doesnt seem to be in the near future. So does anyone have any tips that they can help me become even closer with her. I want to be close with her like one of her own girl friends whom she could call up on a whim and be like lets go shopping. We havent hung out in person since I have told her because I have been traveling every weekend for the past month so I am not sure if she is comfortable even hanging around me in person. Any advice to help improve an already good friendship would be very appreciated.

[Fractured]

It sounds like maybe you are pressuring her a little too much. I feel that if you value the friendship then let it develop at its own pace. It's sad to hear that you lost three friends but it would be even sadder if you lose this friendship because you tried too hard. It's good to hear that she is texting you out of the blue for your opinion, be glad that she is doing so. It takes time to shift the paradigms you have about people and it can't be rushed. Cool your heels and enjoy what you do have.

If you are looking for friends to do make-up and whatnot with, don't only depend on your current gang of acquaintances. Look for others who share your interests. Your name, collegecd, suggests you are at a university - look at the local LGBT support groups to see if they fit what you want. Try broadening your social base to include people who readily accept CDing instead of only trying to drag your current friends into the scene. You are growing and that entails leaving the safe confines of what you have known in the past, including the people you have known.

Good luck. :)

[J'lyn GG]

I would be annoyed if a friend suddenly wanted to talk about nothing, but one subject. Basically, everything has become about the cding. You know, clothes, shoes, shopping, etc. I rarely talk to my friends about those things, unless we are actually shopping or planning a shopping trip. Before you told her, what did you talk about? She may miss the 'old' you. She knows, great, but leave it at that. If you're out and about and you see a lady w/ a great pair of shoes, say so, but don't make the whole conversation about shoes. I don't mean this to be harsh or to hurt your feelings. When she became friends w/you, she wasn't expecting another girlfriend, and it sounds like thats what you're trying to be.

[Kathleen Ann Trees]

I guess congrat's are in order for having the courage to open up a little to friends. It's too bad 3 of the 4 have closed off. I'd suggest not locking those doors. Good friends are worth having and fighting for. Take a little time to reflect back on the things and experiences you've had that made them friends in the first place. Did you go to class, concerts, or work together? Did you meet for lunch or after dinner drinks. I suggest going back to the things that you had in common with your friends. Look out 6 or 8 weeks if you have to and try to find a time when you can get together. Movie, dinner, etc. Throw a small party for whatever reason and invite them. And during these meetings, I'd suggest completely avoiding the topic altogether until, and if, they bring it up.

After you've made a few attempts and you get no positive feedback, it might be time to move on. Just don't burn any bridges. There are a lot of people who think they are progressive (and those that aren't) who just don't understand.

Do the things that make you happy. You are a valueable person. Keep working at the things that give you joy and satisfaction of accomplishment.
Best wishes.

Kathleen Ann

[Joanne f]

Sorry but i have to agree with Fractured and GraceAnne in that your friendships seam to be based on the acceptance of your CDing and this is not fair on them , i know it is desirerable to have a friend who you can talk to and if possible get help and advice from them but you cannot look for a girlfriend based on this alone and it appears that you are being read on this .

[collegecd]

thanks for all the replies, I agree with all of you that there are some things i can do to be a better friend and i am going to work on that. Thanks for reading and responding to my lengthy post

[kimdl93]

I think you're wise to focus on being a good friend rather than emphasizing your interest in dressing. Consideration, time and patience are your best tools.

[Stephenie S]

It is foolish to expect those who you tell about yourself to share your enthusiasm. Just because they accept you does NOT mean they want to join you in your hobby.

Relax. Tell others about yourself but STOP expecting them to rush headlong into YOUR activities.

Imagine (this is called empathy) that you were nuts about hunting wild deer. You could tell othrs about your hobby but it would be silly to expect them to be nuts about it too. They might very well accept the fact that you liked to hunt and never want to hunt themselves.

Your crossdressing is just the same. Others can accept you as a crossdresser without joining you. Try to broaden your life with your friends and do other things together.

This is a common mistake that many crossdressers make. They may tell others (like their spouse) about their crossdressing and then expect their spouse to want to join in. When in reality their spouse wants nothing to do with it.

Acceptance does NOT mean that others want to join you.

S

[collegecd]

ok thanks for the reply

[VickysBFF]

i think that part of the problem you are encountering is that it is difficult for people who know that you are a male to now accept you as a "girl" "friend". you might have better luck finding a female friend as a female or someone who knows that you are a CD but has not known you male self before. age may also be an issue as although younger people tend to be more open-minded and accepting they may not have the same interests.

[collegecd]

ok thats a good point. thanks for the response

[Holly]

...My ultimate hope for her would be that she'll one day take me shopping and even give me a makeover one day but that doesnt seem to be in the near future. So does anyone have any tips that they can help me become even closer with her. I want to be close with her like one of her own girl friends whom she could call up on a whim and be like lets go shopping...Personally, I don't see anything in it for her. Do you want a tip to become closer to her? Stop telling her what YOU want and start listening to what SHE wants. Talk about things that interest her. Girls get a bad rap for talking too much. The truth of the matter is that they are much better listeners. If you want to be more like her, close your mouth and open your ears. She'll let you know when it's time to go shopping.

[Breannah]

It never works to constantly talk about it, just think how tedious it would get if somebody talked about the same thing to you :). I've told 3 of my closest girl 'friends' and the've luckily all been really good with it. One is desperate to give me a makeover, but sadly i only ever feel like a crossdresser at home on my own, turn manly again when with friends :S If you don't overwhelm people with it, you should get accepting reactions if they really do love you as friends :) Let them get used to it and eventually they will be bugging you. One friend even made me help her choose her prom dress :D

[t-girlxsophie]

I have told a few GG colleagues at work about my dressing,not one has been negative about it,but I do realise the difference still exists between them all,some will have no problem with it but wont discuss it,some like seeing pics of me,and there are a few that are very cool with it and want to meet "Sophie" so you have to look at your friendship without the CDing and see if its still a strong friendship

Sophie

[Fab Karen]

Go out shopping for yourself, then you'll feel more relaxed & you can let the friendship develop without her feeling you're pushing her to help you shop.

[Taylor186]

After a couple of monthly CD social/support meetings even I got tired of new members incessant yammering about new skirts, heels, hosiery, makeup, wigs, fingernails, tucking, cleavage, passing, not passing, what they want to do/buy next and on and on. I was looking forward to making social connections and friends with common non-CD interests, but sadly it didn't happen that way other than one exception.

Really, these boards offer all you need to accomplish the technical side of successful crossdressing. And there are probably a thousand who will help so no one person shoulders the whole burden like one friend would have to. Lay that "pleasure" on the generous people here and save your face-to-face friendships for the friendship stuff, like listening, as someone wisely mentioned above.

[Barbra P]

I have to agree with Holly, it sounds like you are only interested in what is in this friendship for you. Show some interest in her; forget your main objective and make her the object of your conversations. In time she will probably realize that the conversations are one sided and ask how things are with you. She may never view you as one of her girl friends, but she may be willing to go shopping with you. Let things cool off a bit and mention that you are going shopping and you could use her input, so would she go with you.

Unless you look very good en femme she will probably be uncomfortable going with you if you are dressed en femme. Find some other way to meet with her, preferably in private so she can get comfortable with you as a woman. Be prepared for her not being comfortable and not wanting to go out with you when you are dressed en femme.

Spending time with a GG willing to teach you how to be a woman, in private, can be a real pleasant way to spend a few hours, and you are bound to come away with some new insights. Back in the Sixties the wife of a friend spent several evening with me, teaching me how to apply makeup, how to drink coffee from a cup, how to drink wine, even how to smoke like a woman and I loved every minute. But I didn’t push her to do it, I had brought up the subject of going in drag on Halloween and she suggested getting together. She quickly determined that my interest went much deeper than a mere Halloween costume.

One suggestion that has nothing to do with your cross dressing; your post is very hard to read. Try breaking your posts into smaller paragraphs and put a blank line between them.

[wadevikingfan]

i think i am in the same boat as you...trying to get acceptance from other females..and then them taking you out and getting you dressed up...and then also talking about only the cross dressing....if i where you, i would let her bring up the subject and then go with it...and buy her something nice for her birthday, and go from there...don't push it...

[docrobbysherry]

Great info above for u, College!

I can only add one thing. U r young and your "girl friends" r 2. ( Do u have any male friends?) That means despite any bravado they may project, most don't have strong established positions of knowing who they r yet!
Even tho your friends may not think of u as a perv, they MAY worry that their other friends seeing u 2 out shopping for shoes or getting peddies together, think that u both r!

Finally, they may worry that eventually u will ask them to dress u, make u up, and wish to go out as girlfriends together! EEEK!

[ReineD]

By the time girls get to college, they're past the stage of talking about clothes and makeup, if they were ever into it at all, much like a guy who moves beyond gaming or collecting baseball cards. Clothes and makeup were never a priority for me. I would just go out and buy the clothes or the makeup if I needed it and there was no need to discuss with anyone. So it could just be that your GG friends are bored with the topic.

It might be worth your while to just tell these GGs that you are looking for support since learning about presentation is more challenging for you, having been raised as a guy, and ask them if they would be willing to help you with your look or go out with you dressed. You could explain how important it is for you to receive validation as a girl and how difficult it is to achieve this in our culture. You could also ask them if they are weirded out by this, and if so, tell them that their friendship is more important to you than using them as stepping stones to further your dressing.

You might also join TG support groups and find other CDers in your shoes so that you will have gfs to go shopping with who will be as into it as you are. And as Taylor points out, you will eventually reach a point where you won't be so interested in talking about the clothes, since you will have learned what works best for you.

Just a thought. :hugs:

[Stephenie S]

And a good thought at that. Reine is a girl. She knows what she is talking about. Listen to her.

S