Newbie in need of help/advice

[tabithavalentine]

I'm incredibly confused and in need of some advice. Based on what I've read over the last week, this is the best place to find it. I'm sure at least one person will recommend therapy, but sadly that isn't an option quite yet. I'm hoping this at least helps.

When I first started experimenting with CDing, it was because it gave me a sexual thrill. What started with panties became bras and panties and so on. Still, my dressing has always had a sexual connection. Then I came out to my wife. Something has really changed and I'm very confused.

After coming out, I came to this forum. I had created an account long ago, but never used it, and figured now was as good a time as any to start. I've started to delve into the community and have found it both welcoming and supportive. That being said, I'm terrified.

While the sexual thrill is still there, I've found that over the last day or so this new level of shame has taken over. I don't understand why now of all times I suddenly feel like a freak, and have this incredible guilt hanging over me. I felt so free after coming out. Now I wish I could take it all back so this feeling would go away.

What worries me is that I almost feel like a fraud. Apart from trying on an occasional dress for curiosity's sake, I haven't gone beyond a bra and panties for sexual thrill. I see all of you brave people and I am in awe of how far you're able to take things. A part of me wants to, but another part of me remembers that I love the life I live outside of my house. I don't want that to go away, but I keep feeling this urge to try make-up and dresses. I've even wondered about going out in public, albeit to a trans-friendly bar.

I'm worried I'm going to go too deep down the rabbit hole, somewhere that will destroy my marriage. A week ago I was just a bisexual guy that "enjoyed" looking at trans erotica. Someone please help me hit the brakes before I crash. I know my life is changing, but I don't want it to go too far.

Any advice?

[Vickie_CDTV]

You can continue wearing panties and a bra just for sexual thrills, and you do not have to go further or do anything else. Everyone's needs are different, and if that is all that you need to make your happy, it is fine. Remember, not everyone needs to dress up completely and go out in public (and some, due to their circumstances, really shouldn't.)

However, the fact you are bi and looking at trans... well you know... may cause an even bigger issue for your wife.

[tabithavalentine]

Fortunately for me, she's perfectly okay with my bisexuality and interest in transexuals.

[AvidFan]

I started with just lingierie, now its full on, clothes, skirts, makeup, hoserie, forms, gaffs padding. I felt the shame in the beginning too, but now I just feel enjoyment. I quit for a month or so after starting dressing just a few months before. We are what we are. Just be open and honest with your Sol and things should be cool. Just remember, as long as your not hurting anybody, whats the problem?

[Rianna Humble]

There is no need to feel shame about who you are and what you like. You have shared this part of yourself with your wife and now you are probably feeling a sense of anticlimax after the worries about how she would react to your news.

Just because large numbers of active members on these forums go further with their cross-dressing than you feel comfortable doing, this does not make you a fraud! There are all sorts of different reasons why people join this site and yours is just as valid as anyone else's. Please don't feel pressured by what you read into doing something that you would not otherwise have done.

The best advice I can offer you is to talk to your wife about how you feel. She will be able to help you to find the right balance for yourself and for your marriage.

[Paula_56]

Shame and guilt almost destoryed me, sad to say Therapy helped. One thing that will not help is drugs alcohol or over eating I've tired that. Denail also destorys your will to live or hav any joy in life

[Tina B.]

Just stop now, you are on the edge of that rabbet hole now. For most of us here it lead to dressing fully, with make up and wigs, and staying that way for as much of the time as we can get away with. I know I've gone from being happy under dressed to preferring to dress most of the time I'm at home. It starts small and grows. But once you go from being interested in Trans women, to wanting to be one, I think it's to late, so like must of us, you have to learn to accept it for what it is, and thats part of you. Either you control it, or it will control you. I've found it best to keep talking to the wife and make sure things stay good there, and then the rest seems to take care of it self. Can't do therapy, have you thought of joining a Trans group, most areas of any size will have one around.
Tina B.

[sweetjan]

You need to do what makes you happy. PERIOD. I enjoy crossdressing and it relaxes me. My wife supports my
crossdressing which is a blessing. I am happy when I can dress and more comfortable. This does not mean I am not happy in life because
I am. You have to do what is best for you and avoid the rabbit hole.

[tabithavalentine]

Thank you so much for the kind words so far. I'm starting to realize how much of this is guilt. My wife is about 5 months pregnant, so I've been stressed enough as it is. Coming out a week ago, and essentially not by choice, made things even worse.

The rabbit hole stuff scares me, but as others have said so far, I am ultimately in control. Having my wife being supportive in everything should help me fall too far down.

For those of you that have gone through the guilt as well, how did you cope? Is it something that took you a long time to get over?

[sterling12]

I'm a little confused. Apparently, you have some sort of "arrangement" with your wife, and it's OK to be "doing" guys and other Gals, but you feel guilty about any crossdressing beyond panties and bra? Sorry, I just don't get that part.

But, to address the main points of your Message...If your frightened, it's because your frightened of yourself. Deep down in your psyche, apparently you know that to be transgendered is what really seems to work for your mind. That's A Gender Issue, and around here, the overwhelming evidence concludes that "You are stuck with it!" Get frightened now, you may be able to temporarily drive it away. But "Your True Self" will always come back. Your mind will never let you totally make it go away. Much better to learn to accept yourself. It may SEEM frightening, but A Life of Denial is probably far worse! When we deny Self, our Conscious Mind seems to punish us in horrible ways. If you doubt, go ahead and try, but you have been warned.

Yes you can "control" The Situation, but you already did most of The Damaging Stuff already. Your Wife knows, and she will never forget what you told her. Now, you can do a whole "Guilt Trip" about doing that, but it accomplishes nothing. Perhaps as a suggestion, might it not be better to move forward, rather than avoiding what is probably inevitable?

We give "Opinions" around here. Mine will be one of many. I don't know if anything I've written will resonant with you. But, if it does; start working on The Rest of Your Life. Your Wife is pregnant, and now you feel guilty. You know, there are lots of things that all of us feel guilty about. I was sort of raised as A Catholic. Trust me, we all know about Guilt! I'll reiterate, Guilt gets you a whole lot of nothing, and just makes you feel miserable. If you want to change things, whatever way you go, change them! Just don't waste a lot of time on this foolish fear/self-indulgence guilt trip. Life is way too short for such foolishness.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Jess Marie]

I am sure you will figure it out. Things always seem to work out in the end. I think we all have a guardian angel who watches over us. I'm positive, depending on whether your drive to dress or your guilt wins, it will work out how it was supposed to. Just keep doing what your doing, and you will reach a cross road. You will either choose one path, or choose the other. Our opinions will not perfectly suit what you are looking for, if you really want to know what you truly want, try asking yourself. It really worked for me, I thought about whether I wanted to keep dressing or stop, and at the end of the day I realized dressing made me happy and who I am today. I have no regrets. We can offer mere suggestions and our take on your situation, but when push comes to shove, you are the one making the decision, so do what makes you happy. I am sorry if I seem unsupportive, I have been up for just over 30 hours now and I am going to bed once I hit reply.

Good luck,
Jess

[Claire Cook]

Tabitha,

Guilt and shame are probably two of the things that we find it most difficult to deal with, and as others have said we each have to find out how we will do that. For me, that started when I began getting into my mother's closet so many years ago: the fear of discovery, worrying about what people would think, what that meant about my sexuality, etc. When I finally came to accept myself -- and to realize that there was nothing wrong with dressing -- it was like a new dawn had arrived. I am now much more open about my dressing, and have had very few negative reactions -- in fact, lots of encouragement!

Two things have helped me: first, all of the advice and great stories of everyone here, and secondly, Lacey Leigh's book Out and About: The Emancipated Crossdresser which I found to be a great confidence booster -- and dealt squarely with the guilt issue.

Good luck indeed,

Claire

[Chun-Li]

I too am in it for the sexual thrill. Although it takes more and more to really get me excited. Just undies and phose don't do it for me most of the time anymore.

For me I find it very exciting while dressed, but once I do my thing I have no interest anymore and change back to male clothes. Kinda like how after sex with a woman I usually don't stick around and cuddle, I go for a shower or get something to eat lol.

But over the years I find myself really catering to my thrill. I keep myself slim and shaved all for what little time I am actually dressed. But what a thrill it is!

If you are like me, a shrink will probably just tell you that you are perfectly healthy. You CD to simulate being with the woman of your dreams. Girls have their toys to simulate being with the man of their dreams, we have our fabrics to simulate being with the woman of ours. We aren't woman trapped in male bodies.

Now if you feel the need to dress just to feel normal, and don't do it for the sexual pleasure, than that is a different story and things might be a bit more complicated.

I read a study once that revealed that 1/10 males when trying to wear female lingerie got an erection. Sounds pretty normal to me!

I really take this as a gift. That something so simple can give me such thrill. Although it is a bit of a pain to keep it a secret. If I was in a long term relationship I would probably tell her too. But I would be assured to explain myself very clearly so she is not confused or worried.

I would be more worried about the bisexuality bringing problems to your relationship over simple clothes. Also looking at trans porn isn't out of the ordinary.... especially for a sexual CD'er.

[wadevikingfan]

i think we all go thru the stage you are going thru...my wife recently passed away, and i thought i had all the time to be a cross dresser....yes, i wear panties full time, and a bra around the house, i wear my own clothes, even though i have a whole closet of womens clothes...sometimes i feel guiltu for having the same desires that you have...sure i put on the brakes...its just normal....you are one lucky guy that your wife knows you are bisexual and a cross dresser...i am too, and had to hide that from my wife...

[tabithavalentine]

I'm a little confused. Apparently, you have some sort of "arrangement" with your wife, and it's OK to be "doing" guys and other Gals, but you feel guilty about any crossdressing beyond panties and bra? Sorry, I just don't get that part.

Sorry, when I said sexual connection I meant it was always connected to arousal. I haven't cheated on my wife. She misread a conversation I had with an ex-girlfriend online that made her think I was cheating, which ultimately led to me confessing to the crossdressing to show how committed I was to being open and honest with her. Sorry for the confusion :)

[wadevikingfan]

i don't want to cheat either...you get sexually aorused and then masturbate...

wendy

[Noortje]

You do not have to go down the rabbit hole if you do not want to. However, it seems to me that you do not really know what you want. Experimentation is a good way to find out. However, you may end up deeper down the hole than you originally intended. This is a decision you have to make for yourself. I can only speak about my personal experience, which is that it is impossible to not be who you really are. Trying to be something I was not did a lot of psychological damage, and cost me a lot of time that I could have spent exploring, and coming to terms with, my feelings. I am glad that I finally "caved in", but this is my experience. Yours may be different. Good luck!

[eluuzion]

hiya T,

Don't worry, the entire world is not falling apart...just your world is falling apart. :heehee:

First let's get a grip on your surroundings. Tell me if you are able to see any left-over Easter eggs laying the tall grass surrounding the Rabbit Hole.

We're sorry, our brake department is closed on Sundays and Mother's Day. But we do have room to take on one more passenger in our life raft. Unfortunately we are a little short on life jackets. For some reason the airline industry decided to place life jackets under every passenger seat on every domestic aircraft instead of parachutes. But we do have plenty of oars. Just take any available seat and begin rowing. Remember in an emergency situation, your breast forms will provide some short term buoyancy.

There are many ways of going forward, but only one way of standing still. The important goal right now is to get a realistic view of your circumstances. The only reward you will receive by running in circles in a panic state is possibly to catch your own tail. and where is the fun in that?

It is always productive to take the time to clearly define your problem(s) and then identify all of your realistic options for resolving them. It sounds obvious and elementary, but it does not appear you can answer either one of these questions right now. That is why you are confused and concerned.

Writing things down can help. It produces a tangible way to look at the whole picture and discard all of the irrelevant issues. It usually will leave you with just a couple of real problems that are effecting everything else. Then you do the same drill only you are listing all possible options available to pursue a solution.

You will be surprised at how many things that looked like problems were just deadwood cluttering up your mind. Same with identifying your options. Things that are unrealistic are useless to consider. You will not end up with a list of fun things to do, but you will end up with a few difficult options that could potentially resolve your conflict. The next step is formulating an action plan, by picking your best option...and you are off and running (forward,instead of in circles)

Hey, just a start. Once you feel like you know where you are, you will feel more control over your life.

just a suggestion...good luck:love:

[Saoirse]

The whole "dressing" thing is a very fluid and dynamic situation. There will be times you'll feel a need to go further while at other times holding steady might be enough. My internal SLRC (Satin and Lace Revelation Center) continually required a larger and larger dose to get the same thrill though. And who knows, maybe someday it will fade into the background? We all have our own little kinks obviously.

And even if you should go down that rabbit hole, there's nothing saying you won't find your way back out and be a better person for it. No reason that it should be a one way trip to disaster or lead to a blown cerebral cortex. :) Quite the opposite, it's a voyage of discovery.

I would of course, advise you to keep those near and dear to you apprised of the situation as much as possible. It can be an unsettling and even scary ride for them too.

[Raynefall]

As someone who is not out yet but has been dressing a number of years I can say that I started out small and worked my way into more stuff. I have had my moments where I felt like a freak and thought why would I, a guy be doing this. But recently I have just learned to accept that it's a part of who I am. Which is what brought me to this site to get some help on deciding to tell my gf or not. Now I know I have to. Just gotta find the right time. I am sure you will find your answer if you haven't already. This site is very supportive and has helped me personally quite a bit. Feel free to ask as many questions as you need to get all the answers you want.