Gender references

[Tammy V]

Within the last few months my wife has accepted my corssdressing to the point she lets me go out to meetings, shopping and to see cd friends. We made the leap just this week of her being able to hang out with me fully dressed at our house. The one thing that will Not do yet is call me by my female name and she still sticks to purely male and female on gender. For instance she won't refer to me as she and my other cd friends are called he etc. Any ideas on how I can bring her around to refer to us as she, at least in fem mode, and call me by my female name at least when I am dressed??

[Kate Simmons]

I dunno Hon, sounds like a personal preference to me.:)

[wanagione]

That's a tough one, I think you can ask her nicely to call you by your fem name. my wife is excepting and she did the same thing to me. I politly told her that when i'm dressed and she does that its like fingernails on a chalkboard to me. It makes me feel less confident and less happy. She said she didn't think about it that way and she stopped doing it. she even calles my friends she and her now. Remember give them time to adjust and always keep the lines of communication open

[Sandra]

Hi,

If it's only been a few months that she has been accepting, then I'm not surprised that she doesn't say she or call you by your fem name. These things take time and she had taken a lot on board, it took me years to call my SO by her name and even today I still slip up. Just give her time and I'm sure this will happen, just remember pushing the issues is not going to make her do this any quicker than she wants.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Tammy;

One of things you have to be careful of is pushing for too much too soon, and then experiencing the "rubber band effect", when you spouse or SO pulls back t0 NOT wanting to see you dressed or or go out. If you give it time, she will come around. After all you went from not accepting to accepting to going out to dressing around the house. Put your best heel forward and be the person you want to be treated for.

Kelly

P.S. I'm very happy for you, to have made is this far as a couple, best wishes for the future.

[2SpeedTranny]

For instance she won't refer to me as she and my other cd friends are called he etc. Any ideas on how I can bring her around to refer to us as she, at least in fem mode, and call me by my female name at least when I am dressed??

Some people just aren't as good at playing "let's pretend." And others outgrew it somewhere along the line.

It appears as though your wife is stricken with the disease called "reality," which causes people to call a spade a spade instead of a bicycle.

[Ruth]

I read from your post that you are getting a lot of acceptance from your wife. OK, there is still a point where you are not quite satisfied but I would respectfully suggest 'Don't rock the boat'.
If I was getting that much acceptance from my wife, she could call me anything she wanted...

[Tammy V]

Ladies, I must say, this is not a Big issue with me right now. I am more curious as to how to adress this with her so that we can progress even furthur. I have to tell you my main feeling right now is elation that she has become so accepting. I am on cloud 9!

[Julogden]

I'd say just be patient. Many of us would feel like we'd died and gone to heaven to have a wife who is as accepting as yours is currently. You're going to have to compromise on that one, at least for now. She may gradually accept using feminine pronouns at some point down the road, so don't push it. She has to be comfortable with things too.

Carol

[Eryn]

I would address the problem by not addressing it. People need time to adjust to different conditions and the way that we tend to use names and pronouns goes counter to years of conditioning. As she observes the manner in which you use names and pronouns your spouse will adjust and learn how to do so correctly.

[suzy1]

You say “so we can progress further” but it’s not up to you, it’s up to her.
Why should she except your wanting to go further if she dose not want to.
Respect for your wife is paramount.

SUZY

[Rianna Humble]

Although not quite in the same league, several months ago I made a mistake on a similar subject with a close family friend who was initially very supportive when I announced that I am TS. On about her 2nd or 3rd visit after that she called me by my old name and I picked her up on it. That put a decided chill on our friendship. I apologised and gave her more space. Today she used my real name without any prompting.

I think what I am trying to say is if you give your wife enough space and time on this issue she will come around to it of her own accord when she has had time to digest all of the other changes in her life from what you have told her.

To us it is natural to speak of anyone who is presenting en femme in the gender that they are presenting. For others it is much harder to understand, they know X as a man, so they naturally say "he" even when X is presenting as Miss Y.

[Sophie86]

Within the last few months my wife has accepted my corssdressing to the point she lets me go out to meetings, shopping and to see cd friends. We made the leap just this week of her being able to hang out with me fully dressed at our house. The one thing that will Not do yet is call me by my female name and she still sticks to purely male and female on gender. For instance she won't refer to me as she and my other cd friends are called he etc. Any ideas on how I can bring her around to refer to us as she, at least in fem mode, and call me by my female name at least when I am dressed??

I agree with the others that this is one you shouldn't push too hard on. I assume that she's not referring to them as 'he' to their faces, which you could explain to her is considered rude. If it's just in private conversations, I'd let it ride for now. As she gets to know them, and gets to know you en femme better, she'll most likely come around to it on her own.

[Cheryl T]

My wife has done the same thing for years. She is not comfortable calling me Cheryl or her or anything like that. I used to kid her about being "pronoun challenged", but now it doesn't matter.
Actually in the last few months she has used my name a few times in public/group settings so maybe it's not a big issue anymore. I just let her be comfortable as she does me. It's not that big a deal.

[Joanne f]

Your wife accepts your dressing and a lot of things that go with it but to expect her to accept you with a different name and refer to you as a different gender changes the whole way that she would have to think about you , that is a very big step for some and in some ways they have to look upon you as a different person and you have to respect her feelings on that as you are expecting her to respect yours or at least play along with yours , don`t for get that saying ,two out of three an`t bad .

[Tammy V]

I am just thrilled she is being so accepting when she had at first indicated she would not. I met another So at a meeting over the holidays and we talked privately about my situation and her/their experience and I noticed she did the same thing, referring to her cd husband as he. Maybe this is common and would be a stretch for a wife/SO to accadate a certain gender reference. At the end of the day I am just happy she will be around me when I am en femme and I can see it in her eyes that she really likes it in many ways. She has said that I am calmer, happier, less stressed etc. and I can see things getting better and better, I am lucky to have her.

[DeeDeeB]

I've never been too stressed over which name my wife uses, I'm just so blessed she accepts me whoever I am expressing. She has (me too), however, learned by listening at seminars at TG conferences about the genetic and hormonal stuff that causes us to be who we are, male, female, and somewhere in between. Also that the appropriate way to address someone is by their presumed sex. It can be a matter of safety too, ever call a very muscular GG sir? Bad idea. Anyhow, as a result of the seminars, she catches herself and uses my gender appropriate name most of the time. It's been years in the making for us, but the key was for her to learn about who we are and make her own decisions. So don't be uptight about it yourself and let your relationship mature naturally. And occasionally thank her for being so understanding.

Dee :fairy1:

[Shari]

Be happy with what you have.
There is a line out there that if crossed, could cause the whole house of cards to come tumbling down.
Let her slowly get used to it.
Baby steps.

[newgirl382]

It is fantastic that you've got this far. Stay slow, enjoy your success in evolving your relationship to this point.

[SheriM]

Tammy, you are very fortunate to have a wife that accepts your dressing. I would say that you should leave it up to her to decide if/when to start using your fem name. If you push this too hard, you could very well be back in the closet.
Good Luck.
SheriM

[WifeofWrenchette]

It could be that she just forgets. I do that from time to time. I feel bad about it now after reading this thread, but it will help me to remember! Sorry to my SO.

[Diane Elizabeth]

I also have a SO that doesn't recognize "she" or "Dyan". I don't want to push the issue into her face as this could be the "straw that breaks the camels back". I can't handle the stress at this point in our relationship. I have enough problems with the money flow. Trying to put gas in the truck/ food on the plate and keep the hugry wolves (bill collectors) at bay. The SO calls the shots and she is letting me play dress up whenever I want. Probably hoping that I will give it up.

[Tina B.]

I have dressed in front of my wife for about 35 years, and she accepts me just fine, but to this day she never calls me me Tina except in the third person. And also has trouble with the pronouns. But so what, I still get to dress at home three or four days a week, non stop, so she can call be what ever she is comfortable, as long as she accepts me wearing what makes me comfortable.
Tina B.

[Rianna Humble]

It could be that she just forgets. I do that from time to time. I feel bad about it now after reading this thread, but it will help me to remember! Sorry to my SO.

This reminds me of one of the FAQs from the start of my transition


What if I call you the wrong name?
I know that's going to happen, after all you have known me by my old name since we met. Don't worry about it. You'll use the other name, other pronouns etc., even if you're trying hard.

[Wrenchette]

It could be that she just forgets. I do that from time to time. I feel bad about it now after reading this thread, but it will help me to remember! Sorry to my SO.

It doesn't bother me sweetie...It's not like I've gone through life with that name. :hugs: