family , advise needed

[Victoria Anne]

I will try to keep this short . My son and I have been estranged for some years , I received a call from him 3 days ago and it went incredibly well . My son is married and I have 2 grand kids ! he wants us to get together and this just thrills me to no end . My son did not know about me , I told him and he and his wife are both cool with it . Okay now the desperately needed advise , he ( my son ) is asking me how to broach the topic of me with the kids , it is agreed that it would be less confusing for them if they just meet Grandma Viccy right from the start but they (a boy and a girl ) are 5 & 6 and very smart . How do you explain to them about their Grandma's (my wife and I) . Any advise would be welcome , thanks in advance .

[Jorja]

At the moment Victoria, I don't think I would worry too much about explaining. I would worry more about getting to know them and build a relationship with them at this early stage. As you say they are very smart. Anything you tell them if not the truth will be figured out quickly. I guess if I had to come up with a story it would be that Grandma Viccy and Grandma ???? are best of friends and have lived together for a very long time, or something like that.

[Inna]

What a precious age, no prejudice, no hangups, no preconceived notions, just tell them how it is. Most importantly, tell your son and his wife there is no chance of them catching the vibe, it is totally accidental birth (if any one can truly call it defect) anomaly, but then it really is no anomaly if it happens at least in one in 1200-1700 births. Go to www.transwoman.net (http://www.transwoman.net) and there should be an abundance of info to present to your son so that he does not worry :)

[Laurie Ann]

What a great age so trusting. I think starting out with you as grandma from the beginning is the right way to go.

[BreenaDion]

I have to agree with Jorja is right, I myself havent seen my son's exwife in 3 +yrs and her son, my grandson. She came down yesturday as I already saw my Psychotherapist about this very issue. I have no need or want to see JR again, as his live in girl friend that has a set of maternal twins age 6 by JR has been reported for child abuse and neglet. That is a whole set of issues that they need help on.

Yesturday I explained to my exdaughterinlaw on my condition and she never batter an eye lash. Instead complimented me on my apperence. My grandson just gave me a hug like he did to every one and we will have him next weekend. He missed us, My wife , daughter18,son16 and I. He being 12 all he wants is to vist us. I wasnt to fem but enough to show im in transition.
His mother has work to do but no need for drama over being Trans. My Psychotherapist said for me to be dressed an appear androgynous, so I met half way between that and what I usually do.

Children so young are more accepting than adults,just be your self an give simple answers. Dont lie but say it in a way that makes good sense to a 5 yr old. As my exdaughterinlaw also brought down her 5 yr old daughter, LOL who just hit it off with me. Cute girl and was very comfortable in a strange place.

My opinion its the work on the part of the parents to discuss issues in detail with their children. Just be prepared to answer some questions but dont think you have to tell much to a child that age. They eccept very well, should be a piece of cake if your son excepts you. Kids do look up to an follow their parents. I have 4 kids and the two oldest dont know yet.
Breena.
PS the reason why I dont want Jr in my life is a very deep isuue not the result of a 51A from my grandsons Doctor.

[Chickhe]

I think once you have two grandma's, you will have to explain why because kids need to know and as soon as their is something unusual they are going to ask. Since they are not living in the same house and have not been really close, probably the truth is best because usually the only reason to hide the truth is to protect the kids from other kids/perents attitudes. The relationship is separate enough they can distance themselves if needed. I think kids of that age only care about if you are enjoyable to be with and teach them something... they don't really care what you look like or how you feel inside. Bake them some cookies and tell them about your life's adventures.

[shawnsheila]

Wow everyone has some great tips :smiles: it makes me glad I am apart of this group :)

[AnnaCalliope]

I met my "Aunt Marty" when I was eight years old. At the time, it was explained to me that she wasn't really a blood relative, but the best friend of my actual Aunt Sunny. I took this as the truth until about age 15, when I started to really learn about sexuality. There were little clues that lead me to believe Aunt Sunny and Marty were involved. Only one king size bed in their house, the numerous flamboyant men at Sunny's yearly birthday party. It was the autographed picture of Ellen (Degeneres) in the bathroom that sealed it.

I believe a cover story is necessary until they are of the proper age to understand the need for possible discretion. Having one of the kids go to school and tell his teacher that "I have two Grandmas that live together and one used to be a Grandpa", could have some negative effects, depending on which part of the country you are located. Now I just checked, you live in SoCal, and I wouldn't be worried at all.

[Joann Smith]

one of the neatest things about...grand kids ...they will love as long as you love them and spoil them rotten it ..Be yourself because if there is any one on this planet who will love with no strings attached is grandkids ...Tell them straight up my guess is the the little girl will think is neat....the little boy think its goofey and be wierded out for a little while but in time he will get use to and come around...I got 5 grand babies and they are awsome

Joann

[Melody Moore]

I told him and he and his wife are both cool with it . Okay now the desperately needed advise , he ( my son ) is asking me how to broach the topic of me with the kids , it is agreed that it would be less confusing for them if they just meet Grandma Viccy right from the start but they (a boy and a girl ) are 5 & 6 and very smart . How do you explain to them about their Grandma's (my wife and I) . Any advise would be welcome , thanks in advance .
I think the most important thing here is that your son & his wife are both fine with it. As others here have also
pointed out, the kids are at an age where they have no pre-conceived notions, are very smart & are also at an
impressionable age where it will be easier for them to accept you fully without any type of bias as you are now.

As for trying to explain anything to them, I would not worry about that too much until they start to ask questions.
The important thing right now as also pointed out is to focus on building your relationship with your grand-children.

If you are a good person & always treat them with lots of love & respect, I think they won't ever really have any
issues or reason to ever be judgemental about you. In fact they would most like defend you as they get older &
understand who you really are as a person regardless of your birth sex. I don't think there will be too many issues
from their peers, such as teasing or bullying because most likely they will never know. So maybe this is something
they should also be taught how to deal with if they are to ever be told about your past. So I would think it's very
important if you ever do disclose your past & teach your grand-kids never to talk about your past with their peers
because it could open them up to some forms of bullying, intimidation & abuse, especially when they are teenagers.

I think at the age they are now it's not important to tell them anything unless they start asking questions.
But if they don't, you might want to tell them when the kids are aged about 11 & 12, when they are at a
age where they are able to deal with it with proper understanding & some level of maturity & responsibility.

Finally I think it's important to always be open to them & their questions as it also helps build trust & confidence
in your relationship. As they get older they might want to learn more for better understanding & acceptance. So
when they are in their late teens they are also able to understand more of the biological factors about how we develop,
which we all know can only help promote an overall better understanding & awareness for our future generations.

So this some of the stuff you could be talking to your son & your wife about as well, because it they learn then now
they can also be best prepared to help answer any questions or deal with any problems your grand-kids in the future.
Good luck with it all, you really are lucky & have been blessed Viccy :hugs:

[Victoria Anne]

I met with my son for the first time in more than 7 years he and his wife accepted me for who I am and introduced me to my grandkids as thier grandma Viccy. I had the most incredible day It was just so wonderful playing with the kids and talking with my son and his wife. I was sorry to have to end the day butv I cannot wait to see them again and I have an open invitation anytime I am able .:)

[Melody Moore]

Congratulations Viccy, I am glad it all went well.

So have you started to talk to your son about how you will deal with things in the future?
Not that it is important right now because that really is a bridge to cross when you come to it.

[ReineD]

I don't know if this will be a good solution for your situation or not, you might want to discuss it with your son.

http://www.myprincessboy.com/index.asp

If the kids can understand the concept that not everyone will fit within the standard notion of gender, they might more easily understand that once you were a princess boy?

[Joann Smith]

told ya grand kids are awsome !

Joann

[Victoria Anne]

This is becoming so amazing I have found myself in tears from the joy of it all It is getting even BETTER ! my eldest daughter now knows about me and without skipping a beat she began referring to me as Viccy and by proper pronoun ! and still it gets even better , my son called me yesterday to tell me that my other son wants to meet with me and my younger daughter as well !!!!! I am in heaven and I am terrified as my son is the real "man's man" and it will be up to me to talk with him and my daughter who my eldest son believes will accept me right off . If you are wondering I have five kids , two boys and three girls for which I have been estranged from the boys and one daughter for seven years .

I know I am in a very small minority here but my life is going so well since I have become the woman I was always meant to be , I did not lose my job , wife nor my kids beacause of it , I did lose one friend and some family but even that is beginning to change as they are not willing to go without ever seeing me again. I am finally the woman I have always wanted to be and for that there are many to thank that stood beside me and encouraged me to be who I am , many of those are here and you know who you are ( there are to many to name and I would not want to forget anyone ) my wife Mrs.M is first and foremost as it was she that first encouraged me and was ther for me 24/7 , found my doctor's for me and gave me that extra little shove . However to all I say thank you for the support .

Love
Viccy

[Sophora]

Thank you for updating us. I don't have any kids however this gives me hope that I am not having to lose everything(job, friends, family, apartment) to be the girl I want to be. This also gives that extra push I surely need.

[Rianna Humble]

You are not in that small a minority. Not only did I not lose my job over my transition, but my then manager signed some legal papers to help kick start my transition.

I have never had a wifeor children, so I did not run the risk of losing what i have never had, but there are others on this specific board who have teansitioned with the full support of their wife and/or children and yet others who have re-established relationships with previously estranged children.

None of this is intended to diminish the joy of what you are experiencing - I am truly glad for you and it encourages us all - but please don't fel as if you have to fell guilty about what is going well in your life.