Talk about mixed signals

[Barbra P]

We got a late start on dinner tonight and my Daughter and Grandkids wanted Taco Bell so my Wife and I drove to Taco Bell; the parking lot is shared by a Rite Aid. My Wife went shopping for eye shadow this afternoon but didn’t find what she was looking for. I suggested we stop in to Rite Aid and I’d help her with her selection of an eye shadow. We looked at eye shadows and several other cosmetics and she finally settle on one eye shadow, not what I suggested, but it’s her eye shadow.

Now the part that really surprised me, she bought me two lipsticks, mascara, and a pair of pantyhose. As we walked out she said I don’t know why I’m buying you cosmetics because I don’t approve of what you are doing. I had offered to pay for my items but she insisted on paying. Definitely mixed signals.

[Niya W]

You can't get more mixed than that. I'm buying this cause I disapprove. Wow. don't know what to make of that one .

[Danni Renee]

I am not sure it is so much a mixed signal as much as your wife is confused herself. Although there is not a lot of background to go on here, I can only guess she fears your dressing for one reason or another. To me, her act of buying you something is her opening a door for conversation on the topic. So talk to her, go slow, and see where it leads. It may take some time for her to come around but if you do not adress her fears, she never will.

[Eryn]

I agree with Danni. She is sending you a message that she cares about you. You might (carefully) tell her that you appreciate her gift and see where that takes you. Her gruff words might disguise a deeper desire to accept.

[Mimi]

I think she clearly loves you and is working on acceptance, but isn't ready to say so to your face. So she has to have the last word--she claims she doesn't approve, but still buys it for you. Actions speak much louder than words. Was she being slightly humorous, the way you might tell your child they don't deserve the large gift you are buying them, when you both know it has nothing to do with deserving it? I suspect she may have also been hoping for your approval and acknowledgment of her step in terms of buying you things--she was letting you know it was a big step for her.

In any case, this action speaks much more highly of acceptance than if she'd told you she approved, but refused to buy you anything. I'd use this as an opportunity to start a dialogue (once the grandkids have been fed and put to bed).

[Kathy4ever]

As I was reading your post I think she was trying to recipricate your helping her find eye shadow. She was saying thank you for helping her but she still does not approve. It could be she is trying to learn to accept. Don't push the issue just tell her thank you and that you love her. Now enjoy your new presents.

[Joanne f]

I think Mimi has it spot on , acknowledgement of a step forward without the spoken word .

[DAVIDA]

Hi Barbra!
What you experienced was the key turning and the door unlocking.
It might have even opened just a bit!:thumbsup:

[Stephenie S]

I agree with Danni. I think she loves you and is confused herself. Treat her well. She deserves it.

S

[Briana90802]

I think it's obvious. She's definitely working on the acceptance, as stated above, but loves you and wants to make you happy. Good luck. It seems like a step in the right direction. :)

[J'lyn GG]

Don't question every step forward, you will drive yourself nuts. She wants to move forward, but she's not sure how. This is a step forward and tomorrow, there could be 2 steps back, or not. Comes with the territory.

[t-girlxsophie]

I just dont get this kinda behaviour heres some lovely makeup but dont wear it because I hate what you do,that is so messed up.so you have to spend everyday wondering what she really thinks instead of talking it through.sounds like a stressful situation for you both and cant be healthy for your relationship

[Tina B.]

I don't know what she was trying to say, but had that been my wife I do know we we would have been holding hands the rest of the evening. I say she gets a good grade for the effort.
Tina B.

[Sophie86]

I think she clearly loves you and is working on acceptance, but isn't ready to say so to your face. So she has to have the last word--she claims she doesn't approve, but still buys it for you. Actions speak much louder than words. Was she being slightly humorous, the way you might tell your child they don't deserve the large gift you are buying them, when you both know it has nothing to do with deserving it? I suspect she may have also been hoping for your approval and acknowledgment of her step in terms of buying you things--she was letting you know it was a big step for her.

In any case, this action speaks much more highly of acceptance than if she'd told you she approved, but refused to buy you anything. I'd use this as an opportunity to start a dialogue (once the grandkids have been fed and put to bed).

That sounds right to me. She's saying: "I can't wrap my head around this, but I love you and I want us to be in this together." That last part is very important. One of the fears my wife has expressed to me is that my CDing is going to take me some place that she can't follow. By helping and buying things for you, your wife is keeping herself actively involved in your life. You might take the opportunity to reassure her that you're not going anywhere.

[SherriePall]

Add me to those who agree with what Mimi wrote. I do believe her love for you outweighs her disapproval of your dressing.

[Debra Russell]

My wife does the same thing. If we are shopping for her and I see something I really like and express it she says " do you want it?" -- it's said in a ho hum kind of way but she will buy it for me and when we get home I will try it on and show it to her, towhich she may reply "that's nice" or sometimes even blush a little but never in a totally accepting way. Once she bought me a top while we were shopping with our grown daughter -- I think she enjoy's it even if she thinks it's a little wierd. Really I think it's a form of acceptence.........Debra

[Carla4Guage]

Think of this as acceptance, to a point, and one golden opportunity. Several things come to mind: Are her selections a way of telling you what she thinks would look better on you? Would she be willing to help you with fixing your makeup? I think you have the chance to allow this to be a start to dialogue that may make you both more acceptiing. I hope you had the forsight to thank her for her purchases!!

[JaytoJillian]

I hear ya--I've visited NYC with my SO on a few occasions. each time, she has either suggested that I go out as Jill--after all, it is New York-- or she's insisted on applying makeup to my face in the hotel room. However, any other time, she is critical and makes me the butt of CD jokes. I hate it.

[BRANDYJ]

I agree with what others have said about her loving you and for that reason she is trying to share your interest or desire to dress, yet she does not approve of your dressing. Another words, she wishes you didn't, but since you do, she is trying. But I have to wonder from what you wrote Barbara. You said you looked at eye shadow and "other cosmetics" I wonder if you were looking at the things she bought for you and in a way... you hinted to her that you wanted them and she gave in to your hints, but maybe begrudgingly since she does not approve. However, be glad you have a wife that is willing to help even in this small way. She is holding back her true feelings and maybe is willing to show you love by doing this small act to please you. I hope you return the care in some special way. Don't question her act of kindness, but show her how much you appreciate her for all she is to you. Not ju8st this purchase, but for her just loving you.

[Kaz]

I think Mimi has it spot on , acknowledgement of a step forward without the spoken word .

This is what GGs are so good at and men miss so often. Yes she disapproves and is uncomfortable, but she is there for you and is showing she cares...NB cares... not approves!

[Leslie Langford]

Barbra, welcome to the world of "two steps forward, and one step back" regarding your SO's tolerance/acceptance of your crossdressing, and one that many of us here share with you. The other ladies who have posted above are probably right about the psychology that is likely at the root of these mixed signals, but that doesn't make it any easier to accept this on-going roller coaster ride. Just learn to roll with the punches and don't try to figure any of this out, as your head will only explode.:eek::doh::sad:

As Bette Davis put it so well in the classic movie All About Eve - "Fasten your seat-belts, it's going to be a bumpy night" ;).