Confused

[Konfused]

Well folks, where do I start? This is my first post. I wasn't planning on posting anything anywhere, but rather I was (once again) trying to search for info online about why I sometimes have the tendency to crossdress. I stumbled upon this forum and everyone here seems wonderful and insightful, so here goes.

I'm a 20 year old straight male who has been crossdressing since about age 16. At face-value, I feel like I crossdress because I think it is fun and it makes me feel sexy; I like seeing myself all dressed up. I hid it from my ex-girlfriend for two years because it was rare that I got the urge and I was still exploring whether or not it was something that was going to be a passing ordeal or stick around for the long haul. I still struggle with that. My ex-girlfriend and I still talk (our relationship ended some months ago) and we are on great terms, but my crossdressing was one of the issues that caused our breakup. She basically told me I was freak and had something wrong with me, and I agreed with her and set out to change myself. Here I am, months later, with the help of a great counselor, and I am much wiser than I started off, but still have a lot to learn. My ex and I have just started to talk again, just on friendly terms, and we have talked a little bit about our breakup, including me crossdressing. I still feel a huge amount of guilt about everything, and I haven't crossdressed in about 6 months now because I don't feel like I can enjoy it anymore. I still want to, but I get this feeling of anxiety and guilt that I suppose has something to do with what she'd think about it. She doesn't think I have anything wrong with me anymore, but she is a long stretch from understanding why I crossdress (so am I). My mind tells me there is nothing inherently wrong with it, but I still feel like there is. I still don't know if I need to crossdress or if it's just something that will go away with time. I'm confused on the whole issue really.

I apologize for rambling, I just don't really know where to start. I figured if I just kind of belted out some initial thoughts and feelings, something meaningful would probably eventually follow. Thanks for reading.

[5150 Girl]

Firstly, and most importantly (at least to me anyway) You are not alone!!!! As you can see we are out there in great numbers.
This means you are not a freak, and there is absolutly nothing wrong with you!
And while it's true that this journy we're on can be difacult at times, keep in mind it's narow minded biggots (like the ex) that make it so. As your go down this road you'll find that more often than not, most people are going to be cool.
A quote that often ops up here is "those that matter don't mind, and those that mind, don't matter". A motto that I've often found to be true up to a certain point.

[Eryn]

Rambling is fine. Sometimes we have to take the scenic route to find ourselves.

One thing that most of us here agree on almost universally is that crossdressing isn't a disorder that is "curable." You can suppress it (push it back into the closet) but the urge will always be there.

In my case, I hid it from girlfriends and my wife for decades. I also deceived myself, telling myself that it was a perversion that had to be kept secret. The stress of doing so took a toll on me and on my relationships. One day, something prompted me to do a search on the 'net and what I learned there opened my eyes. I learned that CDing is fairly common and is well within the range of normal human behavior. This information, much of it gleaned from this forum, gave me the courage to talk to my wife and to accept my CDing for what it was, simply another way of expressing myself.

I still have bouts with guilt. You don't undo 30+ years of denial with one epiphany. Still, I am far happier now as a self-acknowledging CDer than I was when I was deep in the closet.

So, my message is not to worry so much about your confusion. You don't need an answer today or tomorrow or on any specific date. You'll figure things out when the time is right and in the meantime enjoy the journey. You may well find out things about yourself that you really didn't expect to find!

Keep reading and posting. Talking it through and reading of other people's experiences will help you, just as reading about your experience has helped me. I just wish that I had had your opportunity to come to terms with my CDing at a young age.

Hugs, Eryn

[Konfused]

Firstly, and most importantly (at least to me anyway) You are not alone!!!! As you can see we are out there in great numbers.
This means you are not a freak, and there is absolutly nothing wrong with you!
And while it's true that this journy we're on can be difacult at times, keep in mind it's narow minded biggots (like the ex) that make it so. As your go down this road you'll find that more often than not, most people are going to be cool.
A quote that often ops up here is "those that matter don't mind, and those that mind, don't matter". A motto that I've often found to be true up to a certain point.

Thank you for your kind words. I do not believe myself anymore to be a freak or a pervert, but I still do question why it is that I like crossdressing. I think I have mostly accepted the fact that it's something I enjoy, but being a the logically-driven person that I am, I still wonder what it is inside me that has set me apart from the majority of guys who do not enjoy it.

Also, I think that perhaps I misrepresented my ex-girlfriend. She is a lovely, thoughtful girl, and I hid a dark secret of mine from the love of my life for two years and it was sprung on her all at once. She has apologized for her reaction and I absolutely forgive her. We have not explicitly talked about her opinion on crossdressing since we broke up, but regardless of her stance she is not a bigot and she is still one of the best people I have ever met. Whether we part ways for good or not is yet to be seen, but rest assured that whatever happens will occur in the midst of us being 100% transparent of our feelings to each other. Maybe we will decide we are not compatible, or maybe we will decide that we are. Who knows, we will see! :)


Rambling is fine. Sometimes we have to take the scenic route to find ourselves.

One thing that most of us here agree on almost universally is that crossdressing isn't a disorder that is "curable." You can suppress it (push it back into the closet) but the urge will always be there.

In my case, I hid it from girlfriends and my wife for decades. I also deceived myself, telling myself that it was a perversion that had to be kept secret. The stress of doing so took a toll on me and on my relationships. One day, something prompted me to do a search on the 'net and what I learned there opened my eyes. I learned that CDing is fairly common and is well within the range of normal human behavior. This information, much of it gleaned from this forum, gave me the courage to talk to my wife and to accept my CDing for what it was, simply another way of expressing myself.

I still have bouts with guilt. You don't undo 30+ years of denial with one epiphany. Still, I am far happier now as a self-acknowledging CDer than I was when I was deep in the closet.

So, my message is not to worry so much about your confusion. You don't need an answer today or tomorrow or on any specific date. You'll figure things out when the time is right and in the meantime enjoy the journey. You may well find out things about yourself that you really didn't expect to find!

Keep reading and posting. Talking it through and reading of other people's experiences will help you, just as reading about your experience has helped me. I just wish that I had had your opportunity to come to terms with my CDing at a young age.

Hugs, Eryn

That's for sure. I certainly don't have 30 years under my belt, but I've managed to rack up a pretty heavy amount in a small amount of time. Every time I think I figure something out, I kind of get excited and think that perhaps I'm done and can just relax now, only to realize shortly thereafter that it will always be a learning experience.

[Mimi]

Since your ex is already aware of your dressing, and the two of you are starting to talk about it, would she be open to joining this forum? There are plenty of spouses and SOs on this forum who offer support and insight to other spouses and CDers alike. It's a great place for her to gain insight into you.

[Eryn]

...Every time I think I figure something out, I kind of get excited and think that perhaps I'm done and can just relax now, only to realize shortly thereafter that it will always be a learning experience.

You've got the idea. For every answer you get you'll probably find another question or two. Life is a learning experience and you might as well enjoy the journey. One good way to enjoy it is to share it with others and that's why we are here. :)

Eryn

[Konfused]

I am not sure how she would feel about that. She is more of the type of girl that likes to keep things between me and her, and I like to get insights from other people (obviously without divulging too much personal information). She did not take warmly to instances where I would ask close friends of mine (guys and girls) for relationship advice. Last I have heard is that she has done research on it but still does not understand. That could mean many different things (heck, that's how I feel, too!)

[Joanne f]

You are a straight male who has found something that you like and enjoy doing and your common sense tells you that there is nothing wrong with that as it does no one any harm yet underlying that you have this guilt feeling that your girlfriend along with the general society finds it not quite normal , this is going to cause you some confusion and along with that the anxiety when you want to do it and the guilt when you have done it , well i can assure you that these feelings happen a lot even if you have a compete accepting girlfriend it can take a while for these feelings of anxiety and guilt to go and they will no doubt only go when you have become comfortable within your self with what you like to do .
It is easy to think that in this day and age being different would be or should be a lot easier , in some ways it is but there is still a long way to go to getting not only other people to understand that difference is OK but also getting the person themselves to understand that as well .

[Danni Renee]

First, welcome to the forum and congratulations on your first post! Second, and as was said earlier, you are not alone in this. I had the pleasant experience of coming out to my girlfriend and being totally accepted from the start. That said, I still have guilt and anxiety over dressing so do not be so quick attribute your guilt and anxiety to your ex-girlfriend. There are many other contributing factors that may be at play and her opinions may only be part of it. I encourage you to explore yourself more for the reasons of guilt. I am still exploring mine which for me (for now) center on how my children will react when I tell them and how can I follow my dreams when my what I want (dress full time/partial transition) is at odds with what I feel like I have to do to support my family.

[Tina B.]

Konfused, I have read that most CD's don't learn to accept this aspect of themselves until the mid to late Thirty's, so your a head of the curve already. But it does take a lot of time and thought to figure out where you are, when it comes to this stuff. You didn't really say just why you started dressing at sixteen, or how you feel when you can't dress. There is no way to know why with out this information, and why has a lot to do with, is it going to be with me forever or not. I have been doing it since I was about 6 years old, and now in my late 60's I find myself wanting, and dressing more than I ever did in my life, and it's even more important to me now than it was way back when, and I was always willing to spend my life alone if need be rather than give up dressing, because I couldn't live with myself with out it. But thats just me. I never understood those that say they dress just for the fun, and don't need it, if I could have done that I would have been another John Wayne style macho man. But that just never was me. Not into sports, don't hunt, or fish. Me I would rather go to a concert, spend time at the library or watch a soapy movie (Chick Flicks). So I say start there, why did you do it the first time, how did it make you feel, and how do you feel when you don't dress, knowing this is to know more about yourself, but what is the scientific reason we do this, as far as I know the jury is still out on that one.
Tina B.

There are some great theory's out there though!

[suchacutie]

Welcome! This lifestyle can take some getting used to, and much of the issues are wrapped up in other issues within our lives. Unraveling all of that is difficult. Let me pull out one string: One of the issues every human has in the process of maturity is minimizing or eliminating the strong desire we all have for the acceptance of others. It is built into our genes and society that "getting the gold star" makes us feel good, and being rejected at any level makes us feel bad. The examples of this in daily life are without limit.

So what about our feminine selves? As soon as we bring this topic up to someone we'd like to be with, and they are repulsed in some way, we have been "rejected" at some level. This just feeds into the general "need" for acceptance and it comes out negative. Would you still feel guilty if your ex-girlfriend had completely accepted your crossdressing self? If she had encouraged you, would you not feel terrific? Is it the acceptance that is the center of the issue?

This is a very difficult issue to address, and crossdressing is not going to be the only topic that forms the structure of your life as you come to grips with acceptance, but understanding that it is there in your life can make things a lot smoother!

We wish you well and are always here for a conversation! Glad to have you with us.

tina

[Konfused]

Konfused, I have read that most CD's don't learn to accept this aspect of themselves until the mid to late Thirty's, so your a head of the curve already. But it does take a lot of time and thought to figure out where you are, when it comes to this stuff. You didn't really say just why you started dressing at sixteen, or how you feel when you can't dress. There is no way to know why with out this information, and why has a lot to do with, is it going to be with me forever or not. I have been doing it since I was about 6 years old, and now in my late 60's I find myself wanting, and dressing more than I ever did in my life, and it's even more important to me now than it was way back when, and I was always willing to spend my life alone if need be rather than give up dressing, because I couldn't live with myself with out it. But thats just me. I never understood those that say they dress just for the fun, and don't need it, if I could have done that I would have been another John Wayne style macho man. But that just never was me. Not into sports, don't hunt, or fish. Me I would rather go to a concert, spend time at the library or watch a soapy movie (Chick Flicks). So I say start there, why did you do it the first time, how did it make you feel, and how do you feel when you don't dress, knowing this is to know more about yourself, but what is the scientific reason we do this, as far as I know the jury is still out on that one.
Tina B.

There are some great theory's out there though!

Actually now that I think about it, the first times I did it when I was just a little kid, probably 6 or 7. I think the reason I did it then was a lot different; I just did it because I liked exploring everything and it was something I hadn't explored. I did it a few times, my mom caught me and slapped me on the wrist, and I thought nothing of it and moved on. Fast forward 10 or so years and I am wanting to do it for different reasons. The first time, I am ashamed to admit, was at my friend's house. I was spending the night at his place after a long night of video gaming, and his much older sisters were off for college, so he let me crash in their room. For whatever reason, I thought I would look good in one of their thongs, so I tried it on. I thought it made me look sexy (I've always had a nice butt) the same way it made girls look sexy, so I kept doing smaller things like this. It got to the point of wearing all female clothing and stuffing my bra to make it appear that I had breasts, and a couple of times I used a little make-up, but oddly enough enough thought it pertinent to purchase a wig and complete the look. I actually was doing this on webcam, to see what other people thought. There were a few people who were repulsed, but overwhelmingly the response was pretty good. I never did feel bad when I wanted to dress up but couldn't, but I did like doing it once or twice a month. I guess that's probably why I tried to give it up; I thought that something I did so rarely must not be very necessary. But for whatever reason, every now and then I'd be at my girlfriend's apartment alone while she was at work, and I'd try on some of her clothes. Same thing happened; they made me feel sexy. It's not that I didn't feel sexy in male clothes, or in no clothes at all, it was just a different feeling. But the point I'm making is that there was always some arousal in it.


Welcome! This lifestyle can take some getting used to, and much of the issues are wrapped up in other issues within our lives. Unraveling all of that is difficult. Let me pull out one string: One of the issues every human has in the process of maturity is minimizing or eliminating the strong desire we all have for the acceptance of others. It is built into our genes and society that "getting the gold star" makes us feel good, and being rejected at any level makes us feel bad. The examples of this in daily life are without limit.

So what about our feminine selves? As soon as we bring this topic up to someone we'd like to be with, and they are repulsed in some way, we have been "rejected" at some level. This just feeds into the general "need" for acceptance and it comes out negative. Would you still feel guilty if your ex-girlfriend had completely accepted your crossdressing self? If she had encouraged you, would you not feel terrific? Is it the acceptance that is the center of the issue?

This is a very difficult issue to address, and crossdressing is not going to be the only topic that forms the structure of your life as you come to grips with acceptance, but understanding that it is there in your life can make things a lot smoother!

We wish you well and are always here for a conversation! Glad to have you with us.

tina

You sound like my counselor (that's a good thing); asking questions that lead me to find my own answers. I would have felt great if she had accepted it and encouraged it. I wouldn't have felt guilty at all (except for hiding it from her initially). Because I was not accepted, however, I feel much more guilt. Funny how that works.

[Jorja]

OMG send out the Tranny Patrol, we got another one! :D

Konfused, I wish there was an easy answer for you. I am sure we all do. First, know you are not alone in this. There are many of us out here in the big world. Second, know you are not a freak and there is nothing “wrong with you”. There are theories and studies that cover everything from a poor hormonal wash as a fetus to we just like to dress. No one is quite sure why. Some of us even need to go so far as actually changing our gender and becoming a woman which is what I have done.

As for the guilt and shame, it is quite normal. After all, you have spent the first 20 years of your life being told men don’t wear dresses. Men don’t cry. A man in a dress is gay. After a while one becomes conditioned to all of this. The truth of the matter is the biggest majority of crossdressers are heterosexual. Over the years I have been fortunate enough to have met a few manly men who were not afraid to let the tears flow. They were much better adjusted than those that don’t cry. As for men wearing dresses, if it feels right do it.
Your girlfriend may just need time. Some come around and accept this unique quality of their man. Others don’t. Remember, there are women out there that love us. Just look around this site you will see them.

With time, you with the help of your counselor will find all the answers you need. Until then, go check out the closet and enjoy.

[Jill Devine]

Here's one piece of advice: break off all contact with your ex! Your guilt and shame that you associate with dressing is a result of her calling you a freak. One cannot serve two masters or go in opposite directions. Your dressing desire and your ex are opposites. Oil and water!

Cut your losses and run. You are not a freak; she's just narrow minded and judgmental. Move on and enjoy your life with someone who will love you and respect you for you. Life is too short to compromise at your young age. I get the feeling you are not over her but trust me: the past is often a predictor of the future. If she made you feel second rate once, it will happen again.

[Konfused]

Here's one piece of advice: break off all contact with your ex! Your guilt and shame that you associate with dressing is a result of her calling you a freak. One cannot serve two masters or go in opposite directions. Your dressing desire and your ex are opposites. Oil and water!

Cut your losses and run. You are not a freak; she's just narrow minded and judgmental. Move on and enjoy your life with someone who will love you and respect you for you. Life is too short to compromise at your young age. I get the feeling you are not over her but trust me: the past is often a predictor of the future. If she made you feel second rate once, it will happen again.

That's not exactly fair. I've upset her before, too, but I felt like I learned from it and grew as a person. I know I wanted, and felt like I deserved, a second chance. And she gave it to me. I felt guilty before she said any of that to me. I guess I failed to elaborate (sorry, sometimes I abridge stories and leave out important details). She knew about my crossdressing before we broke up. That's not why we broke up. She didn't understand it and didn't like it when she found out about it a year ago, but she didn't ever tell me no, and she certainly didn't break up with me. I just stopped doing it because I didn't like the fact that she didn't like it. We broke up many months later, and crossdressing was part of a big mess of things that came up when we broke up, and that is when she said all of those things. But just to clarify, she apologized for what she said and I totally accept it. I feel the same level of guilt about crossdressing as I did before she said anything.

[docrobbysherry]

But, the good news is that it's pretty NORMAL for CDs!:thumbsup:

That is, that MANY of us suffer guilt from our dressing while we believe in our hearts that it is wrong because society says so!:sad:

Few of us can get by THAT issue without a lot of help from others. And then, the passage of time, while we get used to and hopefully learn to accept what we do.:straightface:

Just realize u and your GF have very little perspective on your lives! Neither of u is the person u will EVENTUALLY become! Your relationship, dressing, and EVERYTHING else in your lives will change in a few years. :eek:

Don't try to rush or force ANYTHING! Just let it all come to u, as it will!:)

I'm over 60 and STILL changing and exploring new directions! To me, u have ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD! Enjoy it!:D

[Jill Devine]

Konfused, I get what you are saying. And I'm sure you think my advice is too harsh or radical. Perhaps it is, but as one gets older and you learn through the hard knocks of life, you see things clearer earlier. My take is that you are torn between your feelings for her and your desire to dress. Those feelings are in conflict. That inner conflict becomes the breeding ground for a host of negative feelings (hence your username and you posting this thread).

If you were married with kids then I would be advising time, patience and compromise. But you are young, single and free. I don't advise compromise. I'd move on.

[Saoirse]

My advice in general (not just to you Konfused, but to all) would be:

1) Don't EVER delude yourself into believing this desire will fade away. Marriage, promises, a great job, vows, "the right girl", purging, children, a great golf swing, mortgages, a college education, fast lawnmowers, none of it, NONE OF IT, will "make it go away", never to return. It is part of your life. It is you. For better or worse, it is you.

2) Be up front and honest with potential life mates early. You owe it to them. It won't be easy and it will lose you friends now n' then but it's best in the long run.

[DonniDarkness]

Welcome to the forum Konfused.

Understanding crossdressing is something that many of us struggle with for a very long time. Guilt and Shame are just symptoms from growing up in a gender biased society.
Advice: take things slowly and try not to let how others think effect the inner you.
All of us have different walks or paths with our CD'ing and have all had ups and downs with it. Chin-up and take life in stride (we just do it in heels)

You will have to find your path although we can help from time to time

ps. (to the forum ppl)

Remember: People come here for help and advice. Lets try to be more nurturing

[Carvery Carly]

My advice in general (not just to you Konfused, but to all) would be:

1) Don't EVER delude yourself into believing this desire will fade away. Marriage, promises, a great job, vows, "the right girl", purging, children, a great golf swing, mortgages, a college education, fast lawnmowers, none of it, NONE OF IT, will "make it go away", never to return. It is part of your life. It is you. For better or worse, it is you.



5 or 6 out of 12 ain't bad - seriously though, it's true.
Had this feeling for 30+ years.
Gone through the purging stage, kids and marriage and it's still there.
Good luck and enjoy who/what you are.

[Konfused]

Konfused, I get what you are saying. And I'm sure you think my advice is too harsh or radical. Perhaps it is, but as one gets older and you learn through the hard knocks of life, you see things clearer earlier. My take is that you are torn between your feelings for her and your desire to dress. Those feelings are in conflict. That inner conflict becomes the breeding ground for a host of negative feelings (hence your username and you posting this thread).

If you were married with kids then I would be advising time, patience and compromise. But you are young, single and free. I don't advise compromise. I'd move on.

I understand what you are saying, and I thank you for the advice, but ultimately I feel as though I do not have such a strong desire as others on this forum. Yes, I like crossdressing now and again, but I don't feel bad or anxious when I don't get to do it. It is an enjoyable experience once in a while, and I feel like I will probably never stop thinking that girl clothes make me look sexy, but ultimately it is not creating a major rift in my happiness in life to not do it. I don't know how exactly to say what I'm trying to say, but basically what I mean is this. I like it, it's fun, I want to do it every now and then, and I understand that that desire will never go away. But I wasn't unhappy that I couldn't do it with my ex, and I'm not unhappy that even though we are still not dating I am not doing it. The only unhappiness it has caused is when she did not accept it initially, and the reason I am here is to learn more about it.

Thank you all so much for your thoughts so far, just wanted to clarify a bit exactly my intentions, feelings, and thoughts about it in general. :)

[PamelaRI]

My advice in general (not just to you Konfused, but to all) would be:

1) Don't EVER delude yourself into believing this desire will fade away. Marriage, promises, a great job, vows, "the right girl", purging, children, a great golf swing, mortgages, a college education, fast lawnmowers, none of it, NONE OF IT, will "make it go away", never to return. It is part of your life. It is you. For better or worse, it is you.

2) Be up front and honest with potential life mates early. You owe it to them. It won't be easy and it will lost you friends now n' then but it's best in the long run.


---

Well there goes my idea to add a turbocharger to my tractor as the "cure". Seriously, I don't know that I've ever felt guilt or shame over my need to dress in the past, but of course, I didn't feel pride or confidence either as it isn't considered normal in our society. That seems to be changing albeit slowly.

I quoted Saoirse's post because I think it sums up my feelings when I was younger. As soon as I knew that my relationship with my SO was becoming serious, I talked to her about my dressing. As expected, she didn't cheer and offer to go shopping with me for cute outfits. She asked me to stop if I wanted to stay with her. At the time, I made a hasty unconsidered decision to acquiesce to her request. My reasoning was that my dressing was a sign of something missing which my SO would replace and more. Now I'm not saying that my SO isn't a wonderful person - she is, but she didn't replace that missing thing. She did provide the "and more." What I failed to do at the time was to look back at my life up until that point and realize how much femininity was a part of me. I believe that part of what made me so willing to agree to her request, was that at the time I was single and could dress up most any time that I was alone. Since that time, there have been a few bumps in the road for my SO and me over my need to dress. While I don't regret marrying my SO, if I had to do it over again, I wouldn't have agreed to her request so readily. We would have had more discussions and may have eventually decided to end the relationship.

My advice - You have access to something that I didn't have back then in the nascent days of the Internet, you have sites like this one where you can read other people's stories (including my boring story), ask questions and do research on the topic. Take advantage of it. At the same time, as Darth Vader said, "Search your feelings." Not that you'll ever understand why you like or need to crossdress, but try to figure out how you feel about it and how you'd feel if you couldn't do it ever again. Regardless of how you proceed with your ex-girlfriend, you'll need to eventually figure this out before you make a long-term relationship commitment to someone else. The closet that you live in now, will be even darker and scarier if you commit to quit and then fall off the dress rack.

[Fab Karen]

Why do you like it? Same reason some people like broccoli- BECAUSE YOU DO.

[Julogden]

Welcome! Your story is fairly typical, and as far as we're concerned, you're not a freak, nor are you doing anything wrong.

Some hard-earned advice: don't waste your time trying to figure out "why". In the end, it really doesn't matter why you are a CD or whatever you may be. Just work on accepting who you are. And very important: if at all possible, avoid serious relationships until you have worked out your gender issues to the point where you have a good idea of where you fit into the trans-spectrum. Being in a relationship with someone will complicate matters to a high degree. You need the freedom to explore who you are without taking the feelings of someone else into account when working on issues of this sort.

After you know who you are, be honest with any potential partners. You need to find that special someone who likes you because of who you are rather than in spite of who you are.

Good luck, and I hope you find these forums to be of value.

Carol :hugs:

[Konfused]

Welcome! Your story is fairly typical, and as far as we're concerned, you're not a freak, nor are you doing anything wrong.

Some hard-earned advice: don't waste your time trying to figure out "why". In the end, it really doesn't matter why you are a CD or whatever you may be. Just work on accepting who you are. And very important: if at all possible, avoid serious relationships until you have worked out your gender issues to the point where you have a good idea of where you fit into the trans-spectrum. Being in a relationship with someone will complicate matters to a high degree. You need the freedom to explore who you are without taking the feelings of someone else into account when working on issues of this sort.

After you know who you are, be honest with any potential partners. You need to find that special someone who likes you because of who you are rather than in spite of who you are.

Good luck, and I hope you find these forums to be of value.

Carol :hugs:

As I stated earlier, I am a very logically-driver person. I am pursuing a bachelor's of science, and I logical reasoning and the deep-rooted need to understand things has always been within me. Ever since I was little, I would pester anyone and everyone with questions about how things worked or why they were the way they are. The same thing applied to my crossdressing. But I've learned over the past few months that some of these things, emotions in particular, are much more complex and it is often hard to nail them down to any certain roots. It's not like how I can systematically analyze every member of a bridge to see if it will fail and why; I can't do that with my emotions and feelings. So it looks like I will just have to accept that it's just the way that I am. Ultimately, despite my normal need to understand why, I think I have become ok with the fact that that's just the way things are.

And as far as where I stand in the spectrum, I feel totally honest with myself when I say that I'm just a guy who likes to be feminine and dress up as a girl sometimes. A lot of times I love being a normal dude and everything that encompasses, but sometimes I get tired of the same old masculinity and like to switch it up a bit.

And this is making me pretty happy to be able to realize and say all of this. It's been a long few months trying to really figure things out, and I started the journey without a clue of what I was doing or why. But now I definitely feel like I have a good grip on the way I feel, and I'm ok with it! It feels good. :D

[Eve II]

Everyone is a crossdresser! Girls wear slacks, boyshorts, ties when they are waitress'. If they were truthful, all guys have tried on girls clothes and probably they liked the feel. It's just guys think they have to be macho. I bet your exgirlfriend wears more slacks they dresses and that she loves her boyshorts. Really, before the 1940's it was frowned upon for girls to wear slacks. My how times change things. I agree with Jill Devine - limit or drop your ex. She will only use the crossdressing as a trump card anytime things don't go her way. Take it slow- maybe underdress more right now. Buy a lace bra ( easier to hide) panties and some thigh high stockings and enjoy the feeling. OMG - I lovethe feeling of letting out my femme side and I think you do too. Don't let someone keep you from your femme feelings. Life is too short.

[Tina B.]

Well, so you did dress early in life, of course when scolded, as a small child we bury it. But in the long run it's been with you whither you knew it or not. I've gone years with out dressing, and didn't care a bit, but then when it comes on me, I just got to dress. The trouble is the older I get, the more the urge comes on me, and the longer it last. That's why I feel it's important to have a relationship that makes room for it.
Tina B.

[Konfused]

Well, so you did dress early in life, of course when scolded, as a small child we bury it. But in the long run it's been with you whither you knew it or not. I've gone years with out dressing, and didn't care a bit, but then when it comes on me, I just got to dress. The trouble is the older I get, the more the urge comes on me, and the longer it last. That's why I feel it's important to have a relationship that makes room for it.
Tina B.

It was a lot different as a child, though. I didn't do it because I liked feeling feminine, which is the reason I would do it now.

And also, as far as a relationship goes, I know that whatever way things go in life (whether I get back with my ex or not), I will need to be in a relationship with someone who understands and accepts who I am and how I feel. If that ends up being my ex-girlfriend, that's wonderful. If not, that's wonderful too. I'm young and I know I'll find someone eventually.

[Maddie22]

Hey Konfused,

I think it is great that you are seeing a counselor. You've already made some great observations about yourself when you referenced where you are on the spectrum, being the transgendered spectrum. As you get more involved in this forum, you'll find postings and links to articles that may help your need and want to logically understand the "why" part of crossdressing. There are a lot of theories still being developed and analysed, but at this point in time there isn't an exact reason for why we crossdress or why transgenderism exists.

As far as your feelings for crossdressing goes, they may change over time as well. You said when you were younger you did it because you wanted to explore, now you dress because it makes you feel sexy. In another 10 years from now your dressing may feel different, it might be because it relaxes you or a number of other possibilities.

The guilt, for me at least, will come and go, and sometimes be stronger and sometimes be less severe to non existent.

As far as your relationship with your ex, I hope things work out for the best for you two.

I hope you continue to participate in this forum and you get as much from it as I have!

[Julogden]

And as far as where I stand in the spectrum, I feel totally honest with myself when I say that I'm just a guy who likes to be feminine and dress up as a girl sometimes. A lot of times I love being a normal dude and everything that encompasses, but sometimes I get tired of the same old masculinity and like to switch it up a bit.

And this is making me pretty happy to be able to realize and say all of this. It's been a long few months trying to really figure things out, and I started the journey without a clue of what I was doing or why. But now I definitely feel like I have a good grip on the way I feel, and I'm ok with it! It feels good. :D

As someone who has been dealing with this stuff for decades and has known many other people who have walked this path, I would respectfully suggest that you probably do not fully know yourself yet. Our concept of self and where we fit into the transgender spectrum often changes over time as we slowly let our defenses down and discover more and more about ourselves. When I was your age, I felt basically as you do now, and that's nowhere near where I am now at age 59. If you'll let yourself explore this, you may be surprised to see where you end up. And it's very, very important for you to do that exploring, and do it now while you're unattached. It gets way more difficult to do effectively if you are having to take another person into consideration.

Carol

[Konfused]

As someone who has been dealing with this stuff for decades and has known many other people who have walked this path, I would respectfully suggest that you probably do not fully know yourself yet. Our concept of self and where we fit into the transgender spectrum often changes over time as we slowly let our defenses down and discover more and more about ourselves. When I was your age, I felt basically as you do now, and that's nowhere near where I am now at age 59. If you'll let yourself explore this, you may be surprised to see where you end up. And it's very, very important for you to do that exploring, and do it now while you're unattached. It gets way more difficult to do effectively if you are having to take another person into consideration.

Carol

As much as I respect and appreciate the advice, I'm going to disagree. Perhaps I am just a young dumb kid, but I feel like I know myself pretty well now.

[Rianna Humble]

as far as where I stand in the spectrum, I feel totally honest with myself when I say that I'm just a guy who likes to be feminine and dress up as a girl sometimes. A lot of times I love being a normal dude and everything that encompasses, but sometimes I get tired of the same old masculinity and like to switch it up a bit.

And this is making me pretty happy to be able to realize and say all of this. It's been a long few months trying to really figure things out, and I started the journey without a clue of what I was doing or why. But now I definitely feel like I have a good grip on the way I feel, and I'm ok with it! It feels good. :D

It's great that you have come to appreciate where you stand at the moment and that you are happy with that position. Possibly you will remain in that happy equilibrium for a considerable time, but it is also possible that your need/desire to cross-dress may progress over time. The important thing in that case is to be able to accept yourself and find renewed balance.

If from tiome to time, you feel the urge to push out the envelope then why not, you are young and still have your best years ahead of you.

The only word of caution that I would like to inject is that if/when you embark on a serious relationship, please don't try to hide this part of who you are for too long. It will not go away, and if you wait too long before telling a Significant Other, they will feel very hurt and betrayed when they finally find out.

[SusieK]

It sounds fair enough to me that you say you know yourself, and also that others say you won't be the same person in thirty years time. There's got to be some foundation, but you can't base your entire life on who you might be at some undefined point in the future.
Life is about change, and ALL aspects of it are a journey. Try to travel it with people you care about and who care about you.

As regards the crossdressing, and what it may or may not be now or later, I think a good starting point is to be honest with yourself, including recognising that the honest truth on one day may be reversed on another. I find that my crossdressing journey includes circular routes, back-tracking and stop-off points with periods varying from days to years. I can feel relaxed that I have accepted my need to dress, or scared that I'm becoming obsessed, or guilty that I shouldn't need to do this, or bemused (when the feelings subside) that it could ever have held my interest.

Logic can be applied to the emotions to some degree, like understanding triggers that increase the desire to dress, or activities or situations that tend to supress it. Understand and rationalise the negative emotions, so that they can be banished or managed. Accept and enjoy the positive emotions.

[Konfused]

It sounds fair enough to me that you say you know yourself, and also that others say you won't be the same person in thirty years time. There's got to be some foundation, but you can't base your entire life on who you might be at some undefined point in the future.
Life is about change, and ALL aspects of it are a journey. Try to travel it with people you care about and who care about you.

As regards the crossdressing, and what it may or may not be now or later, I think a good starting point is to be honest with yourself, including recognising that the honest truth on one day may be reversed on another. I find that my crossdressing journey includes circular routes, back-tracking and stop-off points with periods varying from days to years. I can feel relaxed that I have accepted my need to dress, or scared that I'm becoming obsessed, or guilty that I shouldn't need to do this, or bemused (when the feelings subside) that it could ever have held my interest.

Logic can be applied to the emotions to some degree, like understanding triggers that increase the desire to dress, or activities or situations that tend to supress it. Understand and rationalise the negative emotions, so that they can be banished or managed. Accept and enjoy the positive emotions.

That is some great advice, thank you. Absolutely what I'm trying to say is that I understand and am mostly comfortable with where I stand right now. It may very well change over time, and that's ok, too. But I'm not going to make myself sit around and wait to "really find out where I stand". If that works for some people, that's fantastic and more power to them, but that is not what I am interested in doing. I do not want to potentially miss out on opportunities that may have a large impact on my life because I was too worried that I may change my mind over time about this whole crossdressing thing. But I do know that when I find someone, whoever that person may be, that it will be necessary that they understand and accept everything I just said, and are willing to journey with me. And I definitely agree with telling the person early; if I had figured out that it was not a passing trend and that indeed it was here to stay, I would have confronted the issue with my ex-girlfriend long ago. I owed it to her, and in that aspect I did let her down. Not by crossdressing, but by not telling her for a year and a half during our serious relationship.

[Frédérique]

Well folks, where do I start? This is my first post. I wasn't planning on posting anything anywhere, but rather I was (once again) trying to search for info online about why I sometimes have the tendency to crossdress. I stumbled upon this forum and everyone here seems wonderful and insightful, so here goes.

Indeed, where DOES one start? I think you’ve started – whatever you do, never, never, never stop. You’ve come to the right place, but I’m sure you know that by now – you’ll get more information here than at any other place. I’ll let you in on a secret – we may seem wonderful and insightful from time to time, but most of us are just as confused as you say you are. This is an inexact science, actually no science at all, made up of myriad sensations and emotional reactions at odds with how you’re supposed to be. The tendency to crossdress is a gift...


I apologize for rambling, I just don't really know where to start. I figured if I just kind of belted out some initial thoughts and feelings, something meaningful would probably eventually follow. Thanks for reading.

You’ve started well. Let the thoughts and feelings flow freely from now on. Please don’t take crossdressing too seriously, because it is meaningful all by itself and doesn’t respond well to examination – that statement comes from an individual (me) who regularly dissects this thing we call crossdressing, but I just like to write about something that fascinates me. Crossdressing affects all aspects of your life, and it draws upon countless memories and yearnings – the clothes may be only the outer wrapper of something much more profound, but only you know the answer to that. I wish you well on your lifelong journey...
:battingeyelashes:

[Lucy_Bella]

Konfused,

I have seen a lot of great advise handed your way and glad to see you ended up here , you will find support here some you may like some you may pass on. I'd first would like to tell you that there is nothing wrong with Cding (now if only GG's would seeit that way most of us wouldn't be here) . I started like many as an infant and my desires grew stronger as I aged , my wife knew of my Cding before marriage ,before we had children and after a 25 year relationship she decided she couldn't take it anymore.

So now I sit here as a member of this site single ,alone and just like you CONFUSED! My dressing while married was surpressed and I rarley ever had a chance to do it . My wife and family came first and was by far more important to me that my own selfish desires.. If I ever do become lucky enough to find someone special entering my life she will have to accept me for who I am and that includes my dressing.. It would be introduced in a tasteful way showing my potentual mate that she is important and will be first in my life but ,I will explain to her that dressing makes me who I am .I will also explain to her that I do not wish to expose myself to anyone and everyone that my dressing is very private ,that I am embarrassed and ashamed ,that its my problem if it's a problem and not hers, that I will deal with it and if she can't deal with me she must move on..I say this now because I know cding will never leave , I will always be a cder and I have come know this and grown to live with and accept it in my own way..

So , you can get back with your ex, have children and everything will be great because your urges. have been on the back burner to dress..Know this if like most your urges will grow stronger as you age and you will sneak in cding time rather it be under dressing or while the family is away and your are home alone for a short time,, You will get caught and you will promise to never do it again to only let your lady down one more time the next time it happens. If you choose to get back with your ex, be open explain that you will do your best but no promises that it will ever stop... Communication is helpful you can make it work ..Good luck

[Taylor Skyrim]

Konfused

I am also a 20 year old straight male who is a Cross-dresser. My ex found out 2 weeks after we started dating last September but she did not tell me that she knew about my cross-dressing till almost 3 weeks after we broke up(which was a couple of days ago) and my cross-dressing was something she liked about me. Before she left she gave me a couple of outfits.

Taylor Skyrim

[KristyPa]

When I say except what your doing and don't beat yourself up. You will more than likely think you don't want to do that.
If your like I would guess quite a lot of us, the older you get the more you'll want to dress as a female. Thats what I did.
I have dressed all my life, like you not all that often when I was your age and never really got into it on a regular bases until I was 35.
I fully understand a girl your dating or marrying not likeing or excepting.
I agree with Jill forget your ex girlfriend. If you ever did get back with her she would more than likely torture you now and then over it.
I go back to this fact now that I'm older and more excepting of myself. I dressed in women's cloths when I was like 5 or 6 years old, nothing sexual at all about it.

[prene]

Konfused,
Welcome, you sound like me almost 20 years ago.
You are not alone and there is always somewhere who has done or thought of the same problems/issues we have.
You have found the right place.
Welcome.
prene