Daddy, why are there wigs in your closet?

[JamieG]

This morning, my five-year old daughter came into our room while I was getting dressed for the day. She saw a bunch of wigs in my closet and asked me "Daddy, why do you have those wigs in your closet. They look like girl hair." I hemmed and hawed biding for time; I didn't want to tell her what they were for, but I didn't want to lie to her either. The first thing I come up with is "Well mommy and daddy share this closet" (which is true). Then, and I have no idea how she came up with this, she said, "Oh, you could wear them when you and mommy go out dancing." I just chuckle and let it drop.

About five minutes later, she tells me "Daddy, next time you go out dancing with mommy, I want to help you choose your outfit, because I'm a girl." Not thinking about the earlier conversation, I say, "Oh, do you think you can help daddy find something that mommy would like to see him in?" thinking that she is picturing me in a suit. She says, "Uh-huh, and I'll choose your wig for you too!" :D

Technically, my wife and I performed in a charity drag show together a few months ago, but to the best of my knowledge neither of us has described this to our daughter (we got a baby sitter and simply said we were going out). So now, I don't know if my daughter thinks "go out dancing" means "go perform in a drag show" or if she thinks that men regularly wear long wigs when they go out on dates. I think I might have some 'splainin' to do... :brolleyes:

[Jeanna]

Let her pick something out for you

[RachelOKC]

Yep, I'd explain it to her. You don't need to make something up or make excuses, just be truthful and explain it in easy to understand terms. When we don't make it a big deal, they won't make it a big deal.

We did this last week with my neighbor's five year old. When he asked why I was dressed like a girl, we told him because I wanted to be. He dismissed that BS non-answer right off and wanted to know more. We told him sometimes some men feel like women and some women feel like men. Not everybody feels that way and and there's nothing wrong with that. You be who you are, not what someone else wants. He was cool with that and hasn't said anything since.

[Kathi Lake]

He dismissed that BS non-answer right off and wanted to know more.But was it a BS non-answer? I know for me it's not. Sometimes I do feel like dressing like a girl, and I do.

Kathi

[Anne2345]

Yep, I'd explain it to her. You don't need to make something up or make excuses, just be truthful and explain it in easy to understand terms. When we don't make it a big deal, they won't make it a big deal.

We did this last week with my neighbor's five year old. When he asked why I was dressed like a girl, we told him because I wanted to be. He dismissed that BS non-answer right off and wanted to know more. We told him sometimes some men feel like women and some women feel like men. Not everybody feels that way and and there's nothing wrong with that. You be who you are, not what someone else wants. He was cool with that and hasn't said anything since.

Although I appreciate the sentiment, and respect being honest with one's children, I must respectfully disagree that young children should be told that a parent crossdresses.

My own six year old daughter, for example, has a steel trap of a memory, notices everything, and will tell anyone who will listen what is on her mind at any given time. If I told my daughter that I am a crossdresser, soon thereafter, everyone would know I am a crossdresser. Where I live, such public knowledge would be devasting to my career. I have worked too hard in my professional life to risk placing such trust in a six year old that has no concept of society or reality. At the end of the day, I must be able to provide for my family.

Moreover, I simply do not see any benefit a young child will receive from such knowledge. I firmly believe that one can raise one's children to be kind, accepting, and understanding of others without divulging such information.

Also, there is the issue of how other school children may treat the child, the child whose father is known by all to be a crossdresser, when the child goes to middle or high school. Some children may rise above it all, but some may not.

I am not saying that a parent should not tell a child. That is a personal decision every parent must make for themselves. Certainly, different circumstances exist for different families. If I tell my own child, I will do so when she is much older, more mature, and understands the world better.

[Kaz]

I'm with Anne... we also need to think of the consequences for our children and the crap they will get... It is not about us all the time... we have responsibilities for God's sake... or am I mad?

[Tammy V]

It sounds like the ice has been broken and she will remain curious and you will eventually tell her and or show her your other side.

[Nikki A.]

I aree with Anne on this one. At that age they will speak and not think of the consequences. If you don't care who knows, then be my guest, otherwise wait till they are older.

[Kate Simmons]

Kids say the darndest things but you gotta love 'em. You'll never know how many times I had to do similar fancy footwork with mine over the years while they were growing up. Once the cat is out of the bag though, evrybody's brother (grandmother, uncle, aunt, etc.) will know especially if the kid likes to talk. It can be a real blusher to say the least.:o:)

[TxKimberly]

As the father of a seven year old girl, I've got news for you - those little critters are a LOT smarter than you think they are. My daughter started asking questions at about the age of five and flat out pinned me to the wall at the age of six. It kind of caught me by surprise as my oldest son didn't put things together until he was 17. Little girls put all of the hints and clues together MUCH faster though . . . .

[JamieG]

Thanks everyone for the comments. I have no intention of telling her that I am a crossdresser, at least not at this age. If she continues to push, I'll tell her about the drag show. It will explain the wigs, and can serve as future cover about other items. Even if she tells everyone, it will be no big deal. Most of our friends already know; I posted a pic from the show on Facebook, and nothing happened: two positive comments and otherwise nobody seemed to care one way or the other. Also, if it gets around my daughter's school, I think it also wouldn't harm her much.

I have a little more insight into what my daughter is thinking. Here's a conversation from an hour ago:

Daughter: "Daddy, remember the anniversary thing?"
Me: "No, what anniversary thing?"
Daughter: "Where I'll choose what clothes and wig you will wear for Mommy!"

So now it has gone from just going on a date with my wife, to being an anniversary surprise. I'm glad my wife has become a lot more accepting in the last year. Otherwise, the fact that our daughter even suggested such a "surprise" could be the cause for a big fight. :devil:

[juno]

I think it is always bad to lie to children, even about Santa Clause. If your own parents lie to you, who can you really trust in life? There is nothing wrong with crossdressing, so there is no reason to hide it, but it is a somewhat adult topic. Treat it like sex education. Never lie, but don't divulge more than is reasonable at that time.

As for letting your daughter dress you, just don't make a big deal out of it. Sometimes a young girl wants to give their father a doll for a present. Some guys will even bring such gifts to work. Let her have fun, but maybe do it at a time when you can stay home and treat it as just having fun.

[RachelOKC]

On this forum I usually stand somewhat alone on this issue. Obviously it's a different story with local GLBT parent groups I am involved with. Talking with other parents in similar circumstances helps immensely and my sympathies are to those without such resources.

To the "protecting the kids from bullying" (my phrasing, my quotes) concept, it's interesting and I'll have to bring that up next time for feedback from others in my groups. I suspect that the gay, transsexual, handicapped, and interracial parents who can't conveniently hide such conditions to protect their kids from bullying might be a bit annoyed by the concept. I personally find it a bit sad because it seems to imply there is something wrong with crossdressing/TG, something to be ashamed of, something to fear. Been there, done that, moving on from it. I think I'd rather teach my kids to be proud of who they are and who their parents are.

[erica12b]

in the past i have asked if there where any kids of a cd here and i wanted to ask them a list of questions ,but i think i have only found about 2or 3 parent child members and they are excepting but not volintering insight

also i might tell the wife about the suprize, its never good to shock and then explane

[Lorileah]

Probably somewhere in your life you said you would never lie to your children and that you would take the time to explain anything they would happen to ask because you didn't want to be like your parents. So what would be so hard about saying "Yes dear those are my (or our) wigs." You don't have to say more than that unless she asked. But that's OK, next time you ask who took the cookies, she will probably be honest with you.

[docrobbysherry]

First, I remember I'm the parent, they're the kids. So, truth is relative! CDing is NOT the same as them knowing about Santa Claus! (By the way, my 16 y/o says she still believes in the old guy!) Then, I parent the same way I live my life!

I make two mental lists. On one, I try to think of all the GOOD things that could happen from my kids knowing about my "hobby". On the other, all the BAD!
THAT makes the decision of whether to tell them or not REAL EASY!

[Chickhe]

Don't lie to the kids, but you need to protect them and educate them when they are ready. They won't understand everything as you do so you may need to offer them an alternate story or leave most of the details to their own imagination. I dress up for halloween so I would just say 'it is part of my costume supplies' and leave it at that.

[kimdl93]

Heck if I know the answer. My kids were teens when they learned about my CDing from my Ex during a brief and difficult period of reconcilliation. I don't think that's the way you want your kids to find out.

[JamieG]

To the "protecting the kids from bullying" (my phrasing, my quotes) concept, it's interesting and I'll have to bring that up next time for feedback from others in my groups. I suspect that the gay, transsexual, handicapped, and interracial parents who can't conveniently hide such conditions to protect their kids from bullying might be a bit annoyed by the concept. I personally find it a bit sad because it seems to imply there is something wrong with crossdressing/TG, something to be ashamed of, something to fear. Been there, done that, moving on from it. I think I'd rather teach my kids to be proud of who they are and who their parents are.

Although I see where you're coming from, I don't think that just because we aren't ashamed of something is reason enough to share it with the kids. Now obviously, if you are full time or frequently about town in drag, its probably best the children learn about it from you. But if you are mostly closeted like me, I think you have a right to keeping some things private. As for how gay parents might feel, I think that is becoming more common place, so their children are less likely to be bullied anyway. As, an aside I've met one M2F transexual parent who prefers that people think her relationship with her wife is a strictly lesbian one, rather than tell people that she is transexual. That alone speaks volumes about the relative acceptance of homosexuality vs. transgenderism. That said, I'll admit this is a somewhat self-fulfilling prophecy: if we hide our transgenderism, then it will continue to be seen as shameful.


also i might tell the wife about the suprize, its never good to shock and then explane


As for letting your daughter dress you, just don't make a big deal out of it. Sometimes a young girl wants to give their father a doll for a present. Some guys will even bring such gifts to work. Let her have fun, but maybe do it at a time when you can stay home and treat it as just having fun.

I don't intend to go through with the "surprise." If my daughter persists about choosing a wig for me, of course I'll play along, but it won't be to prepare for a date with my wife.


Don't lie to the kids, but you need to protect them and educate them when they are ready. They won't understand everything as you do so you may need to offer them an alternate story or leave most of the details to their own imagination. I dress up for halloween so I would just say 'it is part of my costume supplies' and leave it at that.

Yes, that's more or less how I think I handle it if it comes up again. As I mentioned, the drag show is public knowledge, so I wouldn't mind telling her about it, at a level appropriate for a five-year old.

[JainaCarpaccio]

this might be a little biased given the source, but one of the biggest mistakes you can make is to hide or lie about who you are from your family. It's all going to come out in the wash in the end, and a nasty shock can absolutely shatter a person's image of you, leaving them trying to piece together the life they'd built around that image. I'm not saying you have to tell her now, but letting her know who and what you are is not a bad thing, and will make things easier for her in the long run.

[ninapuella]

Everyone has private parts in life and there is a reason for that. If everyone would tell everything about anything, it would be pretty confusing. I think its ok to tell if the time and place is right. If its not right it will just harm.

[Jilmac]

Kids at that age are not only inquisitive but most are also non judgemental. If it were my daughter I would ask her to choose my outfit and see what she would do. You might be pleasantly surprised if she picked out a complete femme outfit. Then I would ask her why she chose that particular one, and get her response before I explained myself to her.

[Maria in heels]

It's really funny ad my 3 1/2 year old son told ny wife that he sees hair in the closet..of course he is way small, but it's a bit easier with my older ones because they posed for a picture in their costumes 2 years ago with Maria the Maid....

[Carroll]

My kids have known about my dressing for years and there have been no repercussions what so ever. We have even taken the kids to a picnic a few years ago when there were crossdressers. My son just looked around and said "they are just like you" My son is 12 and my daughter is 9

[Debglam]

I have two teenage daughters who don't know. The youngest once said "Dad, you would look ridiculous in a dress!" The oldest once said "Dad, you would make a pretty good crossdresser - you know a lot about clothes."

Sometimes, it is hard for my wife and I to keep a straight face. :battingeyelashes:

[TxKimberly]

First, I remember I'm the parent, they're the kids. So, truth is relative! CDing is NOT the same as them knowing about Santa Claus! (By the way, my 16 y/o says she still believes in the old guy!) Then, I parent the same way I live my life!

I make two mental lists. On one, I try to think of all the GOOD things that could happen from my kids knowing about my "hobby". On the other, all the BAD!
THAT makes the decision of whether to tell them or not REAL EASY!

VERY rarely, in fact I cant I cant think of an occasion, have I seen advice from Doc that I dont agree with. I was honest with my daughter on the sixth or seventh time she pinned me down on the question, and immediately regretted it. It's not really an admission that I think there is something wrong with crossdressing, because I don't. What it IS, is an admission that a small child doesn't understand the concepts of being discreet, and the concept of consequences. What it also is, is an admission that it is an imperfect world that we live in, and it's full of imperfect people that WILL make my daughter suffer for what I am.

Taking pride for who and what you are, and being willing to stand up for the same is a wonderful thing, but I dont necessarily applaud those that put their children on the front line of that little war. If I alone where going to suffer the consequences that is one thing. To knowingly put my children in a situation where THEY have to suffer the consequences for what I am, is another.

Jamie - like everything else in parenting, you do the best you can. You make your choices based on what is best for your children and then you hope like hell that you got it right. :D

[Tina B.]

No don't tell! If you are in the closet and want to stay there, if it could effect your income, Lie if that is what it takes. My kids are full grown, and have kids of their own, and I have never seen any reason they need to know. I don't plan to go public, and what would they gain knowing, it won't improve their lives. Why should they have to keep my secret, or be put in a place where they could disappoint me by not being able to keep that secret. So maybe it would make me feel better, but I don't see what there is good in it for them.
Tina B.