Getting past the fear

[Delila]

Many of you have gone in public fully dressed. How do you get past the initial fear of being found out and ostracised? I have had a pull to go out more and more but I am afraid of being seen by someone that I know. I would love to go out fully dressed my wife encouraged it years ago and she still says that everything is really up to my comfort level but honestly all I think about is her discomfort. Have any of you found a trick to get over this or is it really just about getting over your own discomfort and wearing what feels good?

[JainaCarpaccio]

I've only been out once sadly. I want to again but unfortunately I'm not in a situation where i can. As for how i did it, I went to the local LGBT friendly club for the Halloween party. This gave me two layers of insurance. First it was highly unlikely that anyone i knew was going to be there, and second since it was Halloween i was less likely to get weird looks from people on the street. That got me over the initial fear of going out in public dressed, now its just getting back out on my own so i can head out again.

Ultimately what it's going to come down to though is you just making the decision to do it, and taking the plunge.

[prene]

Number one go all out on Halloween . . . a lot

then underdress, wear gg jeans, corset, all under male clothes ... slowly add fem clothes.

Stay in jeans for a while until you are confortable.

???? Just an idea.

GO to Vegas . . . noone cares

even if you see someone you know you know the saying.

"What's done in Vegas Stays in Vegas"

[eluuzion]

It depends upon the amount of effort you are willing to devote to minimizing risk. The more contingency planning you do beforehand, the more you reduce the risk factor in the actual event.

You could go to a location far from your regular routine.
You could enter and exit your home at night.
You could have a change of clothes in back seat for emergency changing.
Etc. Etc.

You will never find a scenario that guarantees nothing negative will happen, because nobody can see into the future. Except for Bernie Maddox...oh yeah...scratch that comment...:D

"There are many ways of going forward, but there is only one way of standing still."
--some famous person I can't remember...:)

:love:

[Sarasometimes]

It depends upon the amount of effort you are willing to devote to minimizing risk. The more contingency planning you do beforehand, the more you reduce the risk factor in the actual event.

You could go to a location far from your regular routine.
You could enter and exit your home at night.
You could have a change of clothes in back seat for emergency changing.
Etc. Etc.

Well put eluuzion,

You will never find a scenario that guarantees nothing negative will happen, because nobody can see into the future. Except for Bernie Maddox...oh yeah...scratch that comment...:D

"There are many ways of going forward, but there is only one way of standing still."
--some famous person I can't remember...:)

:love:

For me I found salons are friendly places. You can start out with just a pedi for you and your wife. First go underdressed and she can suggest you get a color to see how they respond. The Halloween idea is good too. I do what you said and if you have your wife do your makeup so you look OK the risks get lower. When dressed and madeup i still could be recognized but most people are in their own world and if I'm not in a place they think I would go the association is not natural. Sure I could be discovered but i minimize the chance as best I can. No guarantees as you say, but a minimal risk. Now being with your wife will help with your nerves but that will make it a bit more likely that if you two are seen by friends they will easily figure it out. Just go away from your home!!!

[tamarav]

I currently work dressed but it took a long time to build my skills to the point that I could simply walk out the door and become public. Now I work with "regular" people, greet the public and do generally anthing a woman would do.

I have probably also spent a couple of years sitting in parking lots totally scared at getting out and getting laughed at, but when I finally did, it never really happened. I got some heads turning and teen aged girls giggling but never any outright yelling or anything. I have had questions aksed but not that many in 30 years of going out. Mostly just curiosity.

I did go to beauty school in drab and there I learned that hair stylists have to learn to have a pretty thick skin simply because clients can be so rude and unkind. Yes, it happens all the time. That helped me realize that people are rude no matter how you are dressed. Just do the best you can and go on with life.

Fear is a tough thing to overcome, whether it is your first skydive jump, scuba lesson or being out in public dressed. Believe me, once you do get out and mix with life you will never go back. It is a bigger thrill than all of the others combined, at least it is for me.

[Marissa]

Many of you have gone in public fully dressed. How do you get past the initial fear of being found out and ostracised? I have had a pull to go out more and more but I am afraid of being seen by someone that I know. I would love to go out fully dressed my wife encouraged it years ago and she still says that everything is really up to my comfort level but honestly all I think about is her discomfort. Have any of you found a trick to get over this or is it really just about getting over your own discomfort and wearing what feels good?

Hi Delila, its great that you are considering stepping out into the big world :) And to add that you are reviewing your fears and your wife's comfort..two very important aspects of going out. With your wife encouraging you years ago seems to make it show that her comfort level would be fine, still its a good idea to talk it over with her..maybe she would be the rock that you need.

Others are giving some great feedback on expectations, fears, and rewards. Too often some state that "don't fear anything, just go", well they are not standing in your heels..so consider the pros and cons. I have only gone out at night, a few times leaving the house dressed, but nowadays its mostly from a hotel near the area that Im visiting. I'm not ready for the neighbors and extended family knowing..and that is a choice we all have to make. I normally go to LGBT friendly areas which is a great way to be introduced into going out..then spread wings further when ready.

Still others just dive right into the mainstream.. so the choice is yours and the wife..when both are ready..good luck :)

[Starr]

The old saying goes well here,

"All you have to fear, is fear itself"

[kimdl93]

I think its easiest to approach this a small step at a time. I'm not brave enough to face all my fears at one time!

[Briana90802]

I had a bad childhood, which lead to a fear of abandonment, and for years I was holding on to things ghat I shouldn't have. Then one day, I realized that I had this fear of abandonment. I realized that at anytime everyone could leave me and that I'd be all alone. And then I realized, if that happens, that I would be ok. And suddenly the fear was gone. I realized that I was afraid of the "what if...". Now I try not to let those "what ifs" rule my life and prevent me from enjoying life.

I serve at a restaurant, and I tell people that are afraid to use a tray because they might drop it, I tell them it's not a question of "IF" you drop a tray, but "when". I guess the same goes for cding, hopefully bad things won't happen, but if they do, be prepare, and realize it's not the end of the world.

[Stephenie S]

I'm always amazed at the amount of FEAR a big strong man can conjure up when he wants to. And over what? Wearing something different? What someone ELSE will think? Whew!

Come on guys, man up.

[Loni]

a good way to get your feet wet (to speak) is go to transgendered friendly places. is there a group that has socials close to you?
most but not all "gay" bars are ok with us transgendered stopping in for a drink.

go to a "local" pride festival. a good way to just do a trip to SF, as one of the big deals is on the weekend of june 24 -26 2011.

this way you get a feel of how you look and do things, but just stand tall keep you back straight, and chest out (no pun). then shopping in any store will be easy.

Loni

.

[AllieSF]

Good recommendations here. To me, when we have a fear of something or of doing something, the best way to overcome it is to just do it. Start with small steps and work your way up. Once you realize that the probability of your fears becoming a reality are so small, you will begin to feel much more comfortable out and about dressed as you want. Go slow, enjoy the journey and celebrate the milestones.

[Debra Russell]

When I first went out in public I was very nervous and apprehensive. I was very clumsy if I felt I was being observed too closely, but when all was said and done my fears were greatly exaggerated -- and unfounded ; since then I go out and never have experienced anything more than agood time -- it's what you make it !! Go out and be self confident that you are you !!............. Debra

[Debglam]

Hi Delila!

I know what you are feeling - I just went out for the first time this weekend (Yay!!! Here is my post: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?153267-Out-For-The-First-Time!&highlight=) and I was worried about my fears and my wife's comfort level also.

The best advice I can give you is see if there is a local TG group and make contact with them if there is. Find out when they are going to meet or have an event and plan that for your first outing. If that won't work, see if one of the girls would meet you somewhere for an outing. I set my sights on a social event that a local group here in NorCal, the River City Gems (http://www.rivercitygems.org), was going to have and started to plan.

As far as your wife goes, talk to her about it and be open and honest. My wife's concern was mostly about me getting out of the house if my daughter was still home. I am a real detail oriented kind of person so I had a plan A and a plan B.

Once I was fairly certain that things were going to work out, I contacted some of the Gems and talking to people that "get it" really gave me the confidence I needed! They understand and have been there. My skills are pretty rough at this point and I was really worried about looking and sounding foolish. They really let me know it was OK and we all have to start somewhere.

I tend to face my fears as Tamara suggested - I bolster myself up as much as I can and just take that last step, really like jumping out of an airplane. You can do as much as you can and then fate takes over. That's life.

I won't repeat my story but let me just say get your comfort level up and do it! :cheer:

Actually going out, hitting the ATM, then going to a social where I got to meet some real live sisters for the first time was a life changing event! :)

Good Luck!!! It will be worth it!!!
:hugs:
Debby

[5150 Girl]

Like the add says "just do it"
It's kinda like diving into a pool you think is full of cold water. You just have to pinch you nose, take a deep breath, and jump in. Then you'll likely find it wasn't all that bad after all.

[Darlene-VA]

After going out a few times it does get easier, plus it is better now than when I first started. And it just becomes second hand after a while and you will reach a level of comfort. It is like the shaved legs question, mine have been fully shaved for the last 10 years and in all that time there have only been 2 comments so that is becoming a non issue also.

[Jeanna]

"Wear your heels like man and just do it " I tell myself :) Seriously though, my disguise is good enough that I have passed people that I know and they didn't recognize me (thank god). I venture pretty much anywhere now but in the beginning I would just go shopping and then for coffee. It progresses as you get braver. Dress casual and have some fun! BTW, the first time I went out in public I was overdressed. Skirt, 3 inch heels the works and it was an insane rush and so worth it!:)
Also if your wife is encouraging you to go, you probably look pretty good, so what are you waiting for?

[Fab Karen]

Well first it's going to help your confidence if you've put yourself together ( hair & make-up ) to look the best you can. Getting used to it starts with NOT thinking about it- your mind can worry about things that don't happen when you actually get out there. Go & don't focus on what you're wearing, focus totally on where you're going, what you're doing: shopping, getting a drink or a meal, etc. Some people may read you, but most don't care.
Unless you live in a small town, odds are you won't run into someone you know. And if you did, for many of us we wouldn't be recognized at least from a small distance.

BTW, it's a lot safer than jumping out of a plane.:)

[Helen_Highwater]

I would suggest going out where there is no "public". Somewhere out of doors where you can walk about without too much fear of coming into contact with others. Start to feel comfortable with that. Many members, inc me, go for a drive to somewhere secluded or quiet. A cash point, a recycling centre, a short walk from the car to a post box. Just to try to get the feel of walking, being in the outside world, presenting as the female we aim to be.
In truth, this is where I am.
I've managed to get as far as being out in quiet beauty spots in broad daylight, high street cash points after dark etc. These are my small steps. Find what you're comfortable with but be aware each one will involve some feeling of initial discomfort...............followed by elation and an increase in confidence.
On a practical level: as suggested by others, I take a change of clothing (and some Swafega wipes to clean off makeup). That's my security blanket.
If I have some fundamental advice; make a plan, plan for contingencies, summon up the courage, go for it and don't be surprise if your successes take you further than you planned for.

[Delila]

You don't test the waters first? ;) I guess it really comes to courage for me. We went shoe shopping tonight and my wife says "Just try them on." I am of course concious of the 5 employees straightening the racks and just can't bring my self to do it. I will work up to it someday especially with my wonderful wife's support it will probably just take time.

[Delila]

"Wear your heels like man and just do it " I tell myself :) Seriously though, my disguise is good enough that I have passed people that I know and they didn't recognize me (thank god). I venture pretty much anywhere now but in the beginning I would just go shopping and then for coffee. It progresses as you get braver. Dress casual and have some fun! BTW, the first time I went out in public I was overdressed. Skirt, 3 inch heels the works and it was an insane rush and so worth it!:)
Also if your wife is encouraging you to go, you probably look pretty good, so what are you waiting for?

When I went out on halloween last year I encountered friends that did not recognise me even some that came to my house for a party asked where I was at first. I would never put that up to passing so much as looking so different that they just didnt know who I was at first glance. I had one friend tell me I looked pretty but I think she was just being nice.