Maybe it's time to tell her

[Gurly]

I was debating a week ago or so whether or not to come out to a close friend (I didn't) and now I'm thinking I should just go ahead and tell the wife. Only problem is...she wouldn't react well. This I know. I get the impression she thinks crossdressing is disgusting (lucky me!) and assumes because a man wants to dress like a woman then he is therefore not straight. I guess I can see that as a natural assumption for people who know nothing about crossdressing. I'll try to keep this short. Bottom line is this: the marriage is FUBAR. We did everything backwards. We met, had a child (a very beautiful one I would like to add) and then we got to know each other.....plus the fact that there is an age difference, with me being the oldest one by seventeen years. The relationship has not been easy and we simply can't go on much longer like this. The stress is unbearable on both of us, as I am sure it will affect my daughter in some way or another. So why do I want to tell her? In the hopes that she'll accept it, which will make me a less stressful person, which will in turn make her a less stressful person. I guess I'm just tired of stifling something that I know will never go away. Maybe telling her will be a burden off the marriage situation and we can focus on trying to repair the marriage or decide to go our own ways. Like I said, her reaction will most likely be negative but if I can contain it, then we proceed. If not, then she tells everybody and I am destroyed. Okay, maybe not destroyed......this isn't D-Day after all.......it's (ahem) telling your wife that you like to dress as a woman. What are my odds?

[J'lyn GG]

IMO, some of the strongest marriages don't survive this. (the lies, betrayal, secrets, etc, let alone the cding) You already think the marriage is not going to make it...do you think you want to tell her b/c you want her to leave, so you don't have to make the decision and therefore explain why to others. Food for thought.

That being said, a marriage CAN survive if you both want it to, regardless of her feelings on cding. But you BOTH have to want it. And you BOTH have to work hard for it.

[Tammy V]

The odds of being destroyed are maybe better than you think. I told my wife last fall and was sure the reaction would be horrendous. Almost 7 months later we have progressed to the point I am able to dress around her about once a week and I think as her comfrot level grows I can dress even more. Sometimes you have to take a chance. I felt like telling her would end our marriage, but the truth is I couldn't hold on to the secret anymore and also needed room to grow in my fem side. Now we are closer than we have been in quite a long time, although she still has issues with it and we have a long way to go/grow.

[Amy Lynn3]

My first thought, after reading your post is.....it would only compound the problems already in the marriage if you tell her. Sort of like the old saying...two wrongs don't make a right. I just think you need to work on the problems in the marriage first, before you add additional stress. On the other hand if you are ready to give up your wife, marriage and child, then telling her is an option. As I heard Ann Landers say one time.....ask yourself, would my life be better off without her or with her? Only you can answer that.

[kimdl93]

Look, I would say that if your marriage is a problem, don't use CDing as the tool to break it up. Work out your problems, if they can be resolved, or end the marriage and find a way to raise that beautiful child through a joint custody arrangement.

If your marriage is indeed FUBAR, why add to the problem. Resolve it instead, and go on to your next relationship and the rest of your life.

[Raynefall]

As others have said. It sounds like coming out right now would destroy it completely. That's not how you should end it. I would just suggest either working on the marriage or getting out of it before you go ahead with coming out to anyone. It would add more stress upon yourself which isn't healthy.

[Stephanie47]

I kind of agree, if your marriage is not on firm footing for other reasons, I would not spring your cross dressing on her. You said there is a 17 year age difference. Revealing your cross dressing to her, may have her head swimming with all kinds of reasons as to why you may have been unattached, divorced (if so), etc. If you were married for the wrong reasons, you're revelations may be used against you in the divorce proceedings. You may screw up your rights to visitation with your child. A revelation like this will not help your marriage, and, relationships with mutual friends and her family members.

[Eryn]

If the marriage is indeed headed for an end, I don't think that it would serve any purpose to give your spouse a weapon to use against you. It could be used to unfairly limit your contact with your child.

[sandra-leigh]

My relationship was not going so well when my wife and I had The Discussion, and it went on to get worse -- but my crossdressing was not the major factor. Things got bad enough that we officially split up... and then got back together again before the end of the day; things have mostly been better since then.

What helped me a lot was going to a (general) therapist. We did go to a few joint sessions but my wife wasn't receptive and stopped going. I will be honest here: if I had not gone to the therapist for six-ish months before hand, we might not have gotten to the point of break up. I don't mean to imply that my therapist encouraged a breakup: rather that my therapist gave me greater confidence in myself and my analysis of situations and in the importance of being happy in myself rather than in swallowing all of my troubles and putting myself down rather than face the possibility of breaking up. It wasn't until I had confidence in myself and was ready to face the consequences that my wife and I could have the deep talks that allowed us to move on forward -- fortunately together.

To be clear, my wife knew about my cross-dressing before I started therapy -- but an important part of her relaxing and accepting it was my learning to come to terms with it myself.

[Valerie1973]

I married the same woman. We have a silent don't ask, don't tell policy. Although she has seen me dressed and assured me that she didn't freak out she always says it is sick. It is true that a strong love in a marriage can withstand almost anything. CDing is one thing some women will not accept no matter what. We'd need a whole forum just for my problems and my wife's psychology. My wife grew up in a strict catholic environment with no father. She has a fictional idea of what a man and husband should be and it aint no crossdressing man. When I met her she was doing coyote ugly at the bars and now she's not only the member of the prudes but the leader. We have two kids and are still getting to know each other. This year will be 10 years. I guess I was in love with the idea of being in love at the time and it was a cool thing to do at the time. My wife is always a bundle of nerves and a nervous wreck and none of it has to do with my cding. When someone makes you feel bad for doing something then it's just easier just not to do it or even mention it to them. Living with this secret has been tough. I have had many regrets however with time it's either going to make it or break it. My wife is the type that thinks she can change me. Good luck to you.

[linda allen]

If the marriage is indeed headed for an end, I don't think that it would serve any purpose to give your spouse a weapon to use against you. It could be used to unfairly limit your contact with your child.

I agree. It's a bad idea.

[Tina B.]

Well it may be a bad idea, but my story says maybe not. I had been married for about 5 years, things where very rocky at home. We had a big fight and she went home to momma, after a week to cool off we got together to talk about where we would go from there. To split or give it another chance, that's a hard question to answer while going through it, we decided we loved each other enough to give it another chance. I figured the only way this had any chance of working was if I came clean, as by need to dress was causing a lot of pressure on me, and I was taking it out on her. I told her all about me, she came home and we went shopping for a wardrobe for Tina, and we have a great relationship for the last 36 years. But I was ready to go it on my own it need be, because keeping it buried deep inside, was never going to allow me to be happy.
Tina B.