Normalcy

[Gocaps14]

Lately I have been wanting to feel, "normal".....just a normal guy, none of the feelings and desires that I have been experiencing my whole life. I am not comfortable in my own skin. I am closeted, and not really interested in coming out. Usually, I am ok with my secret, I enjoy my time alone and appreciate what time I do have to dress. It is important to me to enjoy my time but not have it affect my family. But lately, I have been feeling a little jealous of people whom seem to know who they are and live their life openly. I do not feel that coming out to anyone will be beneficial, I have come out to my wife before but recently told her I didnt have the desire to dress anymore......I was lying and knew I was lying, I was just trying to heal the relationship.
I guess what I am trying to say is this: Usually I am ok with dressing in private but lately I have been wanting to not have the desire to dress; but I do have the desire to dress and that is causing problems within myself.

[suzy1]

If there is one thing in life that I have learned it’s that to be happy you have to except yourself. It’s no good trying to be somebody you are not just to please others or because you think you are not normal. You will never be happy that way.
What is normal? Or to put it another way, am I abnormal because I dress? Or any of the others here?


SUZY

[Sara Jessica]

I understand what you are feeling but I dare to say it's on an entirely different level. My "being" is so engrained in every aspect of my life and while I cherish who I am and my unique perspective on things, I do wonder what it'd be like if gender were a non-issue. I see other couples in our social circles, the cutest wives, the handsome and masculine husbands, their wonderful families, and sometimes go so far as to wish that I could be that kind of husband for my wife, the cutest and most wonderful woman on this planet, IMHO :).

Of course with that balance thing, I can be this in appearances but nothing takes away from the fact that my gender issues are ALWAYS lurking in the background. And with the changes in my appearance, these issues are that much more difficult to bury into the background.

But keep this in mind, what we might perceive as normal in others could be an entirely different picture from their POV.

[Stephenie S]

I think your discomfort is due to the fact that you lied to your wife and NOT to the fact that you still enjoy crossdressing occasionally. Think about it.

Stephie.

[Tina B.]

I know the feeling your talking about. I'm also a closet dresser, and would have gladly changed to be "normal" what ever that means. But I've never found away to make the urge go away. So I had to learn to accept myself for who I am, or be a very miserable person. So Telling the wife and letting the chips fall where they may, was my way to deal with it. I got lucky, I have a very understanding wife. While she does not "help" with my dressing, she is fine with me doing it. Before I came clean I was a very unhappy person, and since then I have been happier than at anytime in my life. If you can't live without it, you might as well own it!
Tina B.

[Kate Lynn]

I once heard John Bradshaw say," normal is whatever suits the individual".

[Noortje]

I understand your feelings entirely. Your crossdressing is interfering with the other parts of your life, and you wish it weren't so. However, it is important for you to understand that this clash is because of society's inability to deal with things that are slightly uncommon. It is not a flaw on your part. Your natural instinct may be to choose the "easy" path of just not dressing anymore. There is probably not a single person on this forum who has not tried this. From the fact they are on this forum, though, we can conclude that each and every one of them failed.

What you are is not accepted (enough) by society and this will make your life harder. It may appear to you that changing who you are is easier than changing society. But society learned to accept homosexuality, as well. The number of homosexuals successfully "cured" is currently still at zero.

I am lucky enough to have an accepting and supporting girlfriend, so of course it is easy for me to talk. I just want you to know that I understand, and that you are not alone.

[Leyna]

I don't have any advice, or any good stories to tell you. But I do understand. You aren't alone.

Hugs.

[Staci G]

THis is a rollercoaster we are or at least most have been on, I ride the coaster then when I get to to end I get off and get back in line waiting for the next ride. I never stay off long but when I ride again it is an even more intense thrill and I love who I am even more. I will never stop for good I know but sometimes it is a slowdown. Yeah you are not alone so just get in line with the rest of us and ride it when ti comes around again.

[docrobbysherry]

The only "normal" people I know r all dead! And, u can quote me on that, Gocaps! Lol!

Here's something I've discovered about MY dressing. When I feel like dressing, I DO IT! And, as a result, I WANT TO DRESS LESS!

I dressed for 3 or 4 days at the DLV. That was over a month ago and I'm only now feeling like dressing again!

[sometimes_miss]

The only "normal" people I know r all dead!
Nah, they're probably just dead weird people. Lots of people have things about them that they don't want to share with the world; but in most cases, the things they hide are pretty common and don't bother most people. We, on the other hand, so something that polarizes the rest of the population, some to the point they want to kill us for no other reason than that we offend their feelings.
I do like the quote that says the only normal people are the ones you don't know. Then again, there will always be some who are closer to normal than others. I, too, would wish to be one of them. But we don't always get what we wish for.

[kimdl93]

Its probably obvious by now that what you are feeling is something we've all felt from time to time. I never felt "normal" ...even as a young child I enjoyed women's clothing and thought about being a girl. I just got kidded for wanting to hang around the house and do what I guess were girly things. I got teased a lot. Fast forward. Young adult. made it through puberty, but discovered nylons. I had a girl friend, I played sports, but the desire to be feminine was there...lurking, forbidden and exciting. Later, got married, played little sexual games with my first wife involving dressing. it was cool, but being "different: kept gnawing at me...

Another fast forward - first marriage fails for unrelated mistakes (mine and hers) and I'm left to confront major depression. I finally had to confront myself and learned with the help of a therapist that I wasn't a criminal, the desire to fell feminine wasn't WRONG, it was just a part of me. I was able finally to admit and talk freely about enjoying feeling like a girl...what a relief. No, being open about myself didn't make it go away, but it did help me accept myself as being OK. That made it possible to tell my future wife about my thing before we got married. And that, as that has made all the difference, as Robert Frost said.

[NicoleScott]

I agree with Tina (post #5). Understanding, acceptance, or tolerance isn't the same for all wives or for all crossdressers. Some cd's want nothing less than to be femme full-time, and some want their wife to accept their crossdressing in the marital bed. Some do, but many don't. If you are to discover that happy balance between your needs and her reservations, you need to be honest and quit lying about your desires. My wife knows, accepts, understands, tolerates, and even encourages my crossdressing, but she doesn't want to participate. That's the deal for us, and we can both happily live with it.
So my crossdressing is pretty much that: my crossdressing (not ours). I'm just a regular guy who likes to occasionally crossdress, and otherwise a normal husband and father.
So what's the desire to come out? What's the payoff for you?

[Eryn]

If you ever think that being perceived as normal is good, you should Google the phrase "seemed so normal."

[Fab Karen]

Lies don't heal a relationship, they make it worse.


"I see other couples in our social circles, the cutest wives, the handsome and masculine husbands, their wonderful families, and sometimes go so far as to wish that I could be that"
You don't know what their lives are actually like behind closed doors, their relationship may be horrid. Don't judge your insides against others outsides.

[Gocaps14]

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and kind words. I have always wondered if my wife was more accepting would crossdressing become less desireable? Maybe, although I crossdressed at a very young age. I am one of those people whom is always seeking the one aNswer to my happiness; lose weight, more money, better job, better wife will make me happy. I think I am reluctantly beginning to realize that I am responsible for my own attitudes and happiness. And for the record, 30 years ago I was seeking ways to be different. The path I chose was a bit more self destructive but pretty darn fun!

[RebeccaJ]

Not feeling "normal" has always been and continues to be my biggest hang up. I have done tons of research to try and figure out the why to better understand myself without much luck. Is it nature or nuture? What is normal? Maybe before I die I might be enlightened! My wife supports and I have made a personal commitment to never lie about any of my CD activities and will answer any question she asks with complete honesty, even embarassing ones. Every situation is different but the most upset CD wives get is when they feel deceived.

[Sara Jessica]

You don't know what their lives are actually like behind closed doors, their relationship may be horrid. Don't judge your insides against others outsides.

That's pretty much what I was trying to say when I said this...


But keep this in mind, what we might perceive as normal in others could be an entirely different picture from their POV.

It wouldn't be too much of a stretch to suggest that everyone has something going on behind the scenes.

[JamieTG]

Even though I'm 58 and been dressing my whole life there are still times when I wish I wasn't this way. It certainly makes life a lot more complicated. But then I realize everybody has something that causes inner turmoil. At least this isn't breaking the law or harming other people.

[Tina Leigh]

Been there and well still there from day to day. Yes dressing at times closet is a stress it should not be. For someour male created lives are not lies just unfortunately complex realities due to not our desires but the limits opposed by others views.And be honest we all have some limits. if your wife or So gained 100 lbs would you still be the same in the relationship? what if your spouse took up a potentially deadly pastime aginst your wishes to grow old together. Yes balance is hard maybe not evn balance but juggling since my SO will never even allow the discussion of dressing without the word divorce in the end of the conversation. But i have to be the best i can be in both lives and allow your self time to be each one without guilt or so much fear. IMHO Tina

[TGMarla]

I'm sure that by "normal", you mean that you wish that you could be a guy without any of the gender issues you deal with in conjunction with your crossdressing. I don't think it's at all abnormal for any of us to wonder what it would be like to be able to live our lives without these issues. Like Nicole, I agree with what Tina said in post 5. As for me, I've never really known "normal" in that context. I've crossdressed ever since I was 12 years old, so I really don't know what it's like to not feel the urge to crossdress. Because of that, I have had to learn to deal with it. It's obviously not going away, so I have no choice but to learn to accept myself as I am, and strive to be the best person I can be while living with my TG issues. I wish you well, and I would counsel you to not beat yourself up over this. They say happiness is a choice, and I think that in most cases (not all) this is true. You can flog yourself over this, or you can accept yourself and strike a truce with the fact that you have these urges to crossdress.

I hope that your telling your wife that this was all past history doesn't come back and bite you. Many of us tried very hard to keep this from our wives, only to slip up somehow, and reveal our secret to her in ways that really aren't at all constructive. Most often, women are more hurt by the deception than by the fact that their husbands crossdress, although they are often not to happy with that, either. Crossdressing is a lousy reason to end (or even damage) a good relationship. I wish you the best.