SO is confused!!!

[aly01]

I so got caught the other day, was not planning on getting caught. Wife was at work, I was home and dressed. Knew what time wife comes home from work, was thinking I got all the time in the world. A couple of hours later I hear the garage closing and make a mad dash to undress. I didn't have time to put away my things properly, and so wife saw them after she was done in shower. Asked me if I cross dress, I said yes; asked why said I like the way the clothes feel. Wife is now confused about why we do what we do. Wife also found link to site, guess I didn't get rid of the visits on computer. I tried explaining to wife, but she doesn't really want to hear. Wife is not accepting, nor do I think she will want to accept, but maybe some day down the line.

[Jess Marie]

uh oh :/ I somehow have not been caught by my SO. My advice, don't push the subject. She will talk to you when she is ready.

[Joanne f]

Well in all honesty if this is the first time that your wife has found out that you CD then you really can`t expect her to just look up and say " OK dear that is fine just carry on " as a lot of questions will no doubt be going though her mind now which at some point you will need to answer.

[Noortje]

There is an excellent sticky on telling your SO (I'm sure you've seen it). Sit her down, have the talk. If you just leave her hanging, the probability that everything will magically be alright is next to none.

[linda allen]

My wife caught me trying to get out of a blouse one day. She asked me what I was doing and I didn't answer. She asked if I just wanted to see how it felt and I said yes. She asked me a couple other questions and I said I didn't want to talk about it. A few days later she asked and I repeated that I didn't want to talk about it.

It hasn't come up since then.

This was before I found this web forum. I suppose I would have responded differently if I had been here at the time. I wish I had responded differently.

[Sandra]

See this is why us GGs like to be told before hand. All you can do is give here some time, she will most likely be having all kind of stuff going through here head, let her know that when she wants to talk you are there and will answer her as honestly as you can.

[Barbra P]

I’ve been married for forty-years and I have been “caught” a number of times when my Wife came home unexpectedly. Rather than run for the bathroom I always thought the best way to deal with it was just greet her an say, “Oh hi, your home early” and go from there. I dress at Halloween, not much of a help if your caught in April. We met at a Halloween party and I was in enfemme at the party. A few years into our marriage I told her I was a Transvestite (I hate that word) and that did not go over real big at the time; don’t know that confusion adequately describes the situation.

Until we both retired I had adequate time home alone to meet my cross dressing needs, but with retirement I am rarely ever home alone, and not for very long when she does go out without me. That has presented a real challenge. Recently my cross dressing has become the focus in our relationship once again, and my Wife isn’t dealing with it as well as I would like. I bought her the book “My Husband Wears My Clothes” by Dr. Rudd, and I’m hoping that she will read it and gain some understanding.

Since I ended my purge and returned to cross dressing I have been a lot more intimate and loving and she does enjoy that aspect. I think we have been more intimate in the last month than in the last ten years put together. I hope to get her to go to one of the Neutral Corner’s monthly meetings and maybe join their Pathfinders group for wives of cross dressers.

Getting caught, or coming out, introduces a lot of stress, your Wife is going to go through a very emotional period, and your best chance of achieving what you want is to be very understanding and supportive. Let her know that you are not gay, you don’t want to run off and have sex with men, you are totally in love with her and no one else and your cross dressing doesn’t change that, and in fact may make you a better lover and husband. There is a lot of truth in the line from Tootsie, “. . . I was a better man with you, as a woman... than I ever was with a woman, as a man.” I think many of us as cross dressers gain a better understanding of women and if we can carry that over to our male persona the women in our lives will be the better for it – in other words don’t put your feminine feeling in the closet with your feminine clothes. Convincing them that the man they love will be a better man because of the cross dressing is the hard part.

Since she has found this site why not have her join? At least tell her to sign on and read “Loved Ones” forum. I’d let her read the forum to her heart’s content, she’ll soon realize that the cross dressing members aren’t here looking for sex or such. For the most part the discussions fall along lines of clothes, makeup, how to walk, , how to be more feminine (softer, caring, more loving), and of course how to tell and/or deal with your SO.

[Sallee]

I see that happening in my relationship It sounds like are wives are similar my wife has know about my cding as long as we have been together but has not been fond of it and I haven't pushed it but I am retiring in a few weeks and certainly dressing will be part of my life. it will be interesting to see how it all plays out

[J'lyn GG]

See this is why us GGs like to be told before hand. All you can do is give here some time, she will most likely be having all kind of stuff going through here head, let her know that when she wants to talk you are there and will answer her as honestly as you can.

LOTS and LOTS of time. AND patience, understanding and extreme honesty.

[Tina Leigh]

Been there and well did all the due dilagence and she was the one inmovable and so I just did my part and keep it out of the way, when she asks or suspects something I decline to engage her the answer being what she does not want to hear. For one reason Our child needs a stable home unttill he is an adult and out of the house. then it is between us and I will probably still respect her wish to not know but if she wants to know what i do when she is not around or I am out then she has to be ready for the answer that I will have. First do want to know? Second It is out of respect I don't make you discuss this or know of it. And if that is to much pressure knowing she does not know what i do away then she has the issue with control and trust I cannot help. In my opinion every relationship is unique and be cautious and respectful of her view too. Tina

[prettytoes]

I went through much the same thing. I came home from a say at our camp and something didn't seem right with my wife. I found out what it was when I went up for bed and she wax waiting there with all my clothing spread out on the bed. I reacted the same way you did; told her I didn't want to talk about it. After 3 or 4 days of not speaking, we sat down and had a long talk. This was only a little over a month ago. Things are infinitely better now. Our relationship has never been better in 28 years of marriage. I can now have my toenails painted, wear satin and silk panties, and satin and silk PJ's and camis to bed. She has asked to not see me in a skirt or dress...for now. She also washes my panties, skirts, sport bras, and yoga shorts with the other laundry. We have been intimate more than ever, and it has been better for both of us! I sleep better at night, and have never been happier. Granted, every woman is different, so this could have also gone in the totally opposite direction. My wife is an awesome woman and I love and respect her more than ever. She told me drive by and check out a sign at a local business (they put inspirational messages on their sign). It said "allowing others to be themselves is truly a gift". That sure brought a smile to my face and gave me a warm fuzzy feeling!

[Alice B]

That is some very good advice from Barbara P. I can add that doing a web search under "cross dressing" will provide you with a wealth of information that you can have your wife read. Just highlight the portions you find that apply to you. Then let her read the material and then sit down and have an honest talk and try to arrive at a working plan that both of you can live with. This is what I did with my wife. At first it was tolerate only, but not at all in her presence. As time and years have passed she has become much more tolerant, given me much greater freedom and allows me to go out. Give it a try and good luck.