Kind of accepting SO

[Delila]

My wife is mostly acceting to the point where she helps me buy clothing. I don't know her actual comfort level as she always says it is about my comfort level. I find the only time that I have the courage to openly discuss my CDing is when I have had a few drinks. I don't feel that she takes me entirely seriously when I have been drinking. I really want to talk to her when sober but I am honestly terrified of her reactions. I am also intensely concerned that I will push something too far and not be able to fix it. This is where I hit a catch 22 I am not so concerned about these things after drinking but I again don't think she takes me seriously. Does anyone have any advice to get over this hurdle of comfort sober over comfort drinking?

[Danni Renee]

Sort of hard on this Delila as the only one holding you back is you. If she is buying you clothes and talking about it, even after you have been drinking, it is a postive sign. I recommend you just continue to ease into it - your desire to talk about it will eventually overcome your fears. One thing I have read several places is crossdressers writing letters to their SO to let them know how they feel. That way you have control over what you say and because she will read it all before replying you do not have to worry about getting off topic. Plus you can edit and revise it multiple times before you actually give it to her to make sure it really says what you want to say.

[JainaCarpaccio]

Sitting down and writing out your thoughts and concerns is a good idea. Whether it's a letter like Danni suggested, or note cards for a conversation, knowing what you want to say will help make it easier. Second, just do it. Sit down with her for a conversation and let her know exactly how you're feeling, and what your concerns are.

[Noortje]

Trust her. Just talk. If she thinks you are going too far, she will tell you. She will not immediately pack her bags.

[J'lyn GG]

My thought is that you will need to TELL her to tell you if you are going to far. She may not want you to think she doesn't accept you or she doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Or, at first it might make her uncomfortable, but not that much, and over time the discomfort would increase.

Another idea is to make a list of the things you would most like. If you would like to go out in public, with or without her, dress several times a month, etc. She could write out her own list of what she feels comfortable with. Then make compromises in the middle. (keeping in mind, that comfort leves could change)

Last, no more 'tipsy talks'.

[Areyan]

i think i've advised you once before about transgender stuff. if you can't deal with this without drinking your problem might be more to do with the drink than the dressing, perhaps? not trying to be rude but from what i have read from your recent posts you are in a very messy place in your head with this whole thing. i'd try quitting the drinking or at least severely cutting back for awhile to see if it helps. failing that, get into gender therapy. not everyone has issues with their transgender feelings but the fact that you cannot discuss it with your accepting partner without a tipple tells me you do. denial is a nasty thing.

good luck, whatever you decide to do.

[Joanne f]

Different people react or deal with things in different ways , if you find it difficult to openly talk about your CDing when you have not had a drink then maybe like has be suggested write it down in a letter which you can always give to your wife with or without a drink , you say that you feel that your wife does not really take you seriously when you drink and CD at the same time this maybe her way of also coping with it as everybody knows people do silly things when they have been drinking so that could be just as much as an escape from reality and no need to deal with it from your wife`s point of view so she may be having just as much difficulty to talk about it as you do , so maybe a letter in this instance would work slightly better to start with to get you both talking , but you know your wife best and the best way to get things sorted out between you both .

[Katesback]

Go see a therapist! Really!!!

[Cassandra Lynn]

Now sober for over a year and a half, my honesty and comfort level is vastly better than it was. It took hitting bottom to accept myself as TG and the gates opened after that.
Your SO sounds accepting enough, just take deep breaths and let it flow.
Be wary of the 'feeling more open when drinking concept' when dealing with the issues we have to deal with, it was a contributing factor in my need to numb myself for so many years. Sorry for sounding so preachy, i'm not trying to say you have a problem.

Therapy if you and your spouse can afford it sounds like a good option, they can act as moderator and are good at coaxing out the things you are afraid to bring out on your own.

[Stephenie S]

How about, Don't Drink?

Stephie

[Stephanie47]

This Stephanie agrees with Stephenie S- knock off the drinking. It is widely known that drinking lets the inhibitions down. What are you doing when you have drunk too much? I've read that she participates in buying clothing and shoes with you. That is a big level of acceptance. Do you dress in front of her when sober? Or just when drunk? Maybe if you sat down with her over a nice cup of coffee and approached the issue of (1) what your desires are, and (2) what her desires are? Maybe, she is accepting NOW because you only discuss issues when drunk and she thinks it's a phase you will out grow. Maybe, like a perpetual Halloween Party. From one of your previous posts, she knows what you look like when dolled up- at least your Halloween Party posting. Maybe, if you told her your true desires, she would have a different level of acceptance.

As to writing letters, if you do write a letter do it when sober.

[kimdl93]

dThe previous posts tell you all you need to know...first. no drinking. Be who you are, not what alcohol alllows you to be. Second, she already knows...you have nothing to hide, so why torment yourself and why deny what she already knows. She would already have moved on otherwise!

Consider yourself lucky to have someonewlling to work it out!

[ReineD]

Well, Delila, you can practice the writing (or what to say to her) here first. What exactly is it that you think might go too far? What are your immediate goals with the CDing, and what do you fear most? If you can sort through this and become comfortable telling us, then it will make it easier to talk to your wife. :)

[erica12b]

as a guy we keep things in , your going to half to man up open up and do it sober, if she is ok with it so far you are way a head of the game come on look at it strait on if she wants you back in the closet so be it but if she is ok about it, open up drop the drink and share : with her