Slow Moving Train

[Christy_M]

Sorry but I am about to ramble. There really isn't anything here except my feelings and thoughts...read on with fair warning - this is longer than usual.

I have felt like I was on a fast train that I couldn't control and that the destination was something I would figure out when I got there and probably be surprised. Now, I am resolved in my decision and the steps needed to be me. From this point, I feel like time has stopped.

My wife and I are in a good place. We are ending our marriage but will remain friends. I cherish that and can't wait for the business of divorce to end so we can move into that relationship

My young kids are thankfully oblivious. They don't know about the divorce or the transition and they will learn of both of those things separately. As my wife and I try and develop the message for them, we will undoubtedly find other experiences or stories of those who have dealt with this and apply those learnings into the message for our children.

My therapist says I seem more accepting of myself. I have struggled with this all my life and now that this decision is out, I really do feel that I have been running away from this all these years.

People at my job have been asking me the past couple weeks "what's gotten into you?" They say I seem more chipper and outgoing. A couple have even said I seem "nicer."

I think I get my letter on the 24th to start HRT. I am anxious to start but a little nervous about the effects. I have heard so many stories of how my thinking changes and subtle changes to my body. I am not so much scared about the body changes, in fact looking forward to those but the thinking piece has me wondering what that will manifest itself into.

I have to find a new home. While my wife and I are staying close friends, the house we bought together is apparently too close for her. Depending on the timing of our message to the kids, the puchase of another home will have to be coordinated aorund that. At least the market is in the crapper which should make it easier to find an affordable place. On top of the place is the need to furnish it and then move all my stuff into it. This will take some time and funds to do this right.

The electrolosis seems to be taking forever. after 5 hours, there is only about a two inch by one inch strip on each side of my face. Even there, I still feel like there is stubble growing up although not like the rest of my face.

The voice therapist says she doesn't want to see me en drab but her office hours are during my work day so we will have to work something out. I can't start missing work yet and risk losing my livelihood. I feel like I really need the work on my voice.

I just bought a Groupon for laser treatments so I will see if there is anything that will benefit form that for either my chest or back. I have heard that hormones will reduce some of this too so I am not real sure what I will use it for.

I need to sell my big macho truck and get me something a little less obnoxious. Maybe a used El Dorado or some other bigger coupe. I haven't even begun to look so this is clearly not the biggest priority.

My mind is a big cat 5 tornado right now with so many things getting sucked up into it. Every once in a while something will fly past my brain that is totally out of the blue and remind me that this storm isn't over yet - oh, hey, I will need a toaster...

Thanks for letting me rant. like I said, there isn't anything here but my ramblings.

[Anna B]

Hey Christy, thanks for sharing that painful path with us. Parting from your wife and children must have been so difficult. However this is the route you have chosen and all I can say is that we will help you through it as best we can "electronically" (i.e over the net)

Be strong and good luck.

Hugs

Anna x

[Jorja]

Christy,
Thanks for sharing with us your thoughts as you begin your journey. Step back and take a deep breath. Then one problem at a time. It isn't easy by any means but I am sure you can manage it. As for getting rid of the big macho truck, the girls around here love their trucks. Here is a big :hugs: to help you along.

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Christy, it's great that people are already seeing the outworkings of your self-acceptance.but sad about your marriage having to break up. I'm glad though that the relationship with your wife will continue to be friendly.

Good luck with the house hunting, I'd hate to be doing that in the middle of everything else.

Please keep us informed of how things progress and remember we are here for you. :hugs:

[SherriePall]

Christy -- As far as I am concerned you can "rant" or ramble or anything you want. We are here to listen and to make comments and to give advice as needed. We do wish you the best as you travel on and hope that your relationship with your soon-to-be ex continues to remain friendly. Take care and keep in touch.

[Melody Moore]

Christy, as others have said don't feel sorry for venting because we know how good this can be to help get everything
into a much clearer perspective in our heads. Also don't over-think the HRT & worry too much about how the hormones
will affect you emotionally. I can already see that you are a very rational & strong person which will serve you very well
in your transitional journey. I believe those that suffer the most from the affects of HRT were carrying a lot of baggage
to begin with, which can become ten-fold when you are on hormones. In your case you see to have it well under control.

I also wanted to mention that you seem to have demonstrated the utmost maturity & respect for your wife in how you
are now going to resolve your personal differences & dissolve the marriage while also considering the kids the whole time.

You are a very good example for those who are caught up in the quandary of marriage while also being transsexual. I hope
others here who have been struggling can follow your lead. So good luck, keep us posted & remember life can't get that
bad where you can't log in here & vent some more about whatever issues you might have to deal with. Because as you are
aware the advice & support from this community can help to keep you really strong.
:hugs:

[StaceyJane]

Christy, Don't worry about the HRT. I feel like starting it was one of my best decisions ever.

[Aprilrain]

you can try to pry my hormones from my cold dead lifeless body that is about the only way you would get me to stop taking them! As for the mental effects, for me it is like my brain has stopped fighting its self. Female brain + testosterone = one unhappy April!

Why do you want to get rid of the truck, because it's a gas hog or because trucks aren't girly? If its because of the gas I get it but don't be sayin trucks aint for girls!
since I live in a city not many people drive trucks except for work so the tall girl getting out of the diesel crew cab draws some attention however I noticed when I was out in Wyoming last December EVERYONE drove a truck so no one batted an eye in fact I got more than a couple looks of approval from several truckers while gassing up at truck stops. One guy gave me a thumbs up as I was pulling away, I smiled and waved, BYE BOYS!

Anyway I know all about the mental storm, be thankful you have a job to somewhat occupy your mind during the day. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and someday you will look back and wonder where the time went. Now if only i could get myself to believe that!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

wishing you the best.. you are going through alot of the same things i went through.......your message was way to short for an official venting warning..

[Melody Moore]

As for the mental effects, for me it is like my brain has stopped
fighting its self. Female brain + testosterone = one unhappy April!
Testosterone has been known to be responsible for agitation & aggression, as well as a high sex drive which can
drive you around the twist at times & I honestly believe that too much testosterone seems to sends some guys
totally crazy. All these things are feelings & urges I don't miss, I also hated the way I felt & sometimes reacted
to some issues & situations as a male. One very noticeable difference in the way I react to certain situations now
come to my attention after I lost my mobile phone. Before I would have felt angry & frustrated about losing a phone
but when I lost it after I was on hormones for about 6 months I just cried my eyes out, & felt upset about what I
was going to do for a phone & how I could get back all the numbers for my network of friends & the TS support
network I had established, but I found my phone luckily so I settled down very quickly. However I lost it again
a bit over a month ago, but this time for good! However I didn't react in anyway, I just accepted the fact I lost
it & went about getting a new one as soon as I could organise it. So if anything now I am more rational than ever.

[Aprilrain]

However I lost it again a bit over a month ago, but this time for good!

You were clearly not meant to have that phone! LOL Time for an upgrade.

[Hope]

You sound remarkably calm and well focused for someone who has pulled the pin on the grenade and is waiting for it to go off. That is almost undoubtably a good thing.

Don't worry about the changes from the hormones - just take what comes and be glad for what you get. You will not miss the parts you loose. And if you do, it might be a signal that you need to stop taking them, and see if you can slip that pin back into the grenade.

Personally - the most annoying thing for me so far has been my driving habits. I USED to be an excellent driver. But since starting hormones I have been doing the ditziest things. I'm totally blaming the E. Damn chick driver.

[Stephenie S]

Don't worry too much about the electrolysis, dear. Five hours is nothing. It's gonna take YEARS.

S

[Inna]

I feel like writing lengthy reply to you hon, but also know that this journey you have started on is the most profound of journeys one can have. There will be heartbreak, tears but also joy and laughter, It almost feels like the calm gentle waves before tsunami. But the title wave shall come and wash away all that is not real and painful, and give you peace of knowing your self. We must head there through thick and thin to finally arrive at true self. I am sorry if I don't dress the scenario up in a colorful festive cloak but I write what I felt during my ongoing experience in truth and love. You are seeing the glimpse of joy which shall fulfill your heart soon enough, all my love, Inna.

PS, get ready for some changes in your psyche and body, you will love all the intricate workings of few wonderful pills, I am 44 and never thought possible that I will ever truly represent female shapes. [-]Boy[/-] girl was I wrong, butt, breast, hips, for god sake waist! But the breasts are the most joy. I often look in the mirror and giggle to my self about them, it is so phenomenal to finally be her, be me!

Ok so i wrote a thesis, sorry :)

[Christy_M]

I also wanted to mention that you seem to have demonstrated the utmost maturity & respect for your wife in how you
are now going to resolve your personal differences & dissolve the marriage while also considering the kids the whole time.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I have to give my wife at least half the credit. She is deeply hurt and troubled by what her life is becoming and I know that the lies I told to "get the girl" were the ones that she needed from her "man." If I hadn't created my male side all those many years ago, she would have never fell in love with me and never had to suffer this loss. She has stated that the love we share brought us our beautiful kids and so she wouldn't change our time for the world. The reality is that she needs time to heal and it will do neither of us any good to be hurtful moving forward.


Why do you want to get rid of the truck, because it's a gas hog or because trucks aren't girly? If its because of the gas I get it but don't be sayin trucks aint for girls! since I live in a city not many people drive trucks except for work so the tall girl getting out of the diesel crew cab draws some attention however I noticed when I was out in Wyoming last December EVERYONE drove a truck so no one batted an eye in fact I got more than a couple looks of approval from several truckers while gassing up at truck stops. One guy gave me a thumbs up as I was pulling away, I smiled and waved, BYE BOYS!

I created so much "crap" to tell people I was all man. Football, Marine Corps, sexual conquests, Marriages, all these things are what has let me go through life in male mode and not have to worry about being found out for what I reall am. The truck is a beautiful piece of work that is all decked out and really pretty but it screams of "guy." Maybe I will own a truck someday but this truck was just the latest lie about myself in order to show the world how macho I am. Getting rid of the truck is nothing more than getting rid of the lie.


I am sorry if I don't dress the scenario up in a colorful festive cloak but I write what I felt during my ongoing experience in truth and love. You are seeing the glimpse of joy which shall fulfill your heart soon enough, all my love, Inna.

Please, no apologies necessary. I seem to have found so many people who are willing to keep me grounded and tell me their personal insights. I cherish that sharing and while it isn't all roses it is a path I am going to walk for the rest of my life. Hearing aobut everyone's views, perspectives and experiences helps me remember that none of us walk down the same path to get where we are going. while we have all seen or heard of similar road blocks and/or challenges, they are not the same nor are they in the same time sequences. Please don't apologize for sharing your story with me. I am honored to hear it.

[JohnH]

Christy,

It was not too long ago that you stated that your wife compelled you to wear a goatee most of the time. I wrote to you to encourage you to "Shave that damned goatee off and keep it shaved off"

So I did a double-take to make sure you were the same individual. Wow, you are indeed going way beyond shaving the goatee off.

So this thread has really taken my breath away.

I just might be following in your footsteps, but hopefully I will remain married to my dear wife.

I am really glad that you are now yourself, and you decided to step off the stereotype "Masculine" wagon.

Take care,


Johanna

[Christy_M]

So I did a double-take to make sure you were the same individual. Wow, you are indeed going way beyond shaving the goatee off.

So this thread has really taken my breath away.



Well, you can imagine what it has done to me...The goatee is gone, never to return. Unfortunately, so is the wife. She really is a good person. It is too selfish of me to think she would want to become a lesbian for any reason. She deserves to be happy and I cannot give her that happiness. I have found that I must be true to myself first before anyone around me will ever be truly happy. It has taken me too many years to get to this point and my resolvbe is unwavering. I think this is one of the reasons that my general demeanor has brightened. Keep me posted on your decisions moving forward. There are plenty of people here who have plenty of advice to give. It sure makes it comforting when rants like mine above come along.

[Jorja]

Christy.
Here is a little something I have referred to often over the years that has been a comfort to me when I am alone.

Let Go And Fly -
By Collin Rosati
I'd like you to imagine what it would feel like if you could actually fly, if you could soar through the air free and alive like a bird. Now, you don't have to actually imagine that you have wings and feathers and you don't have to pretend that you're leaving your body or anything, but… as you are so very relaxed right now, imagine how beautifully special you feel now that you actually have the power to fly… and as you prepare to take flight, maybe you spread your arms or maybe you put your arms above your head like superman, it does not really matter, just allow yourself to do what ever you feel you need to do to get ready in your own mind to take flight and soar above the world free, alive and completely at peace with yourself.
Before you take flight however, please take notice all of the chains and anchors which are holding you back, that's right, notice all of the limiting beliefs and tired thoughts and old habits of yourself and other people which have chained you to the ground. And I wonder if you can really feel the weight of these chains which are preventing you from flying, thick heavy links which are holding you back from you right to be free? Take a moment for yourself now and notice the texture of these heavy chains, are they rough or smooth or maybe both in different parts. What do these tiresome old chains feel like as they bog you down. And I wonder if they could talk, what would they say? Perhaps they would say "you can't fly", and knowing that misery loves company, they might be saying "stay with us on the ground". But as you look closely at these binding links, you may be surprised to notice that however ferociously that these chains appear to be holding you down, If you really look closely, you will notice that you are holding on to these chains. You are the one holding tightly onto these old habits, these disgusting limiting beliefs, you are holding yourself onto the ground. These chains may be forged by the ideas and comments of others but you are the one holding onto them. And to whatever extent that you so strongly desire to live your life free and successful, you will let go of all chains and bad habits because you do owe it to yourself. You are your body's keeper, you are responsible for your own well being, your own happiness, your own success, your own freedom.
And just as misery loves company, success leads to even more success. If you look up, you will notice other people flying. See how happy they look up there free from their bad habits here on the ground. And you can feel how happy they feel. And you can here it in their voices as they laugh way up in the sky, free from all chains. And to whatever extent that you so strongly desire to be free, you will begin to let physically let go of a chain. Simply make the commitment to let go of a limiting belief. Let go of an out dated habit, let go of the hurts and be free, let go of the pains and fly, let go of other people's drama's, let go of other people's stress and problems and be free. You owe it to yourself to let go of your old ideas and let go of other people's ideas and bad habits, they only hold you back. And as you begin to let go of the past you actually notice yourself feeling lighter. And as you have seen this change in other people, you actually walk more erect, and you stand taller, as you let go of the old habits, you feel more confident and strong on your own. Your posture is more proud, proud of your new commitment to yourself to be free.
So I wonder if you can find yourself letting go of more limiting beliefs and notice how good it feels as you let go of the past and embrace yourself. And as you realize that there is nothing that anyone can say or do to hold you back, you feel so good and so light that you actually begin to float up into that air. And you realize for the first time in a long, long time, that when you finally let go that you feel so happy, so lighter than air, that you begin to smile and feel incredibly good inside, totally at peace and free because now you are finally alive. Alive and free. And you smile, and it feels good to let go and fly. To be yourself, for yourself, for now, for ever.
And think of all of the places that you can now fly away to. Beautiful places. And You don't have to know where you are going to because beautiful people attract other beautiful people. Successful people attract other successful people. Confident people attract other confident people. People who are truly free will attract each other. When you smile, you attract other people who smile. And people who have let go of the past, and all limiting chains are free to find each other and fly. And simply take another moment for yourself and enjoy this wondrous and awesome peaceful feeling of flying for a moment. And now notice how good it feels to fly above the world. To fly away from all chains in the past, to fly away from you bad habits leave them behind, to fly away from other people's bad habits, let them go and fly to let go of all hurts and pains and simply fly away, free and alive. Knowing that you now find yourself smiling more because you are free. You have made a commitment to yourself for yourself to let go and be free to fly. And you deserve to fly and join others like yourself free and alive. For now and for ever.

[Christy_M]

That is so beautiful and touches my heart so much. Thank you for sharing...I am starting to cry now but I know it is because I am letting go of some of those chains...