The Funk

[Danni Renee]

I have been very depressed lately-I call it being in a funk so as not to acknowledge that it is really depression. I have fought depression my whole life but lately the slightest of incidents can trigger it. I dislike my job, I dislike myself, and I am afraid of being a disappointment to my children and my parents. I have some very difficult things to do in the next couple of weeks and the ramifications of those actions will affect me and many others the rest of our lives. I hope nobody minds but I am going to sort of talk things out here as a little therapy.

As some of you may be aware I am in the military. Although I love being a Soldier, I hate my current assignment and job. I feel irrelevant and trivialized. I have been in the Military 19 years this month - I know what I am supposed to do but the priorities of my organization and what I think the priorities should be is constantly at odds causing me a lot of stress at work. Fortunately, I will be moving in a couple of months to the next job but it is a job I did not want at a location I did not want so I am not sure that there is an improvement in job satisfaction in my future.

The main concern with location of my next job involves my kids. I have been away now for a year, seeing them only for three weeks at Christmas. I have been away from them for 3 of the last 6 years. Where I am going to will deploy sometime after I get there, so I am going to have to go another year away from them before I can retire. I knew I would have to deploy again, but I was hoping to get stationed close to them (they live with their mother) so I could see them more often while I am around. Instead I am going to be 8 hours away. I see them on video everyday but I can tell it is really having a negative impact on them not having their dad around. It is absolutely having a negative impact on me too. I carry so much guilt for not being there for them and I miss them so bad. At best I will only get to see them once a month 

And as if that is not enough, I have my new found “self” to deal with. I have dressed since my early teens but I always considered myself a freak and kept it hidden. I think hiding my true self and hating my outward self all these years is one of the reasons of my long term depression. I was one person by day but when I closed my eyes at night I became who I wanted to be in my mind. I would then feel guilt because I told myself I should not be this way. I know a lot of you have had the same feelings.

I finally came out to my SO this December. She has been wonderful and more accepting than I ever imagined. I can dress anytime I want for as long as I want. She actually gets unhappy and concerned if I contact her on video and I am not dressed (I have not seen her in person since Christmas either). We have known each other since we were both 17 and our relationship is very strong. I plan on marrying her soon but with my work and family issues plus her family issues, things are not as easy as just walking down the aisle and there is a lot of stress over the details of how we are going to take the relationship where we want it to go.

I thought coming out to my SO would be end of my issues with my true “self”. I have someone who loves me and wants to be with “as is”. But I find that it is still not enough. The more I dress the more I want to be dressed-I cannot get enough. I underdress all the time now and if it was not for the job I think I would dress full time. The fact that I cannot be who I am all the time depresses me more.

The reason I cannot dress full time goes back to job and kids. There is no way I can ever be my true self in my job – I don’t think an explanation is needed why. I think I may one day be accepted by my kids, but I am afraid the ex will find out and use it against me to keep me from seeing the kids. I try to tell myself there is hope in the future, after I retire, to be myself but I am so afraid I will not be able to support my kids and my SO who also has two kids. I feel like I have to choose between being myself and being who I need to be to support my family. That choice is really starting to tear at me.

I will say that seeing GGs, in life or TV makes it worse. I was walking back from the grocery store Thursday and there was there very attractive GG with her boyfriend walking in front of me. She was gorgeous and wearing these incredible shoes and overall outfit that was just the perfect feminine form. She was walking and laughing and having a good time and all I could think about was how bad I wanted to be her – to have that life. Sure, I am probably glossing over the hard parts of being a true female but I don’t think knowledge of the hardships would ever change my desire to be female. So I feel unhappy for the life I want but can never have.

Sorry for the long post, I just needed a place to talk. Thanks.

Danni

[Joanne f]

I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so Funky (Depressed), the problem with depression is that is magnifies all your problems and it becomes a vicious circle, the more you think about your problems the more you get depressed and the more you get depressed the bigger your problems seem to get , so some how you have to brake this cycle, that means do you sort out your problems so that the depression will go away or sort out the depression so that the other issues will not seem quite so big , in this instance i think you would be best to sort out the depression first and in that way it should help you deal with all those other issues that understandably you are finding hard to cope with .

[Brenda79135]

Depression is one of those things that will come and go. How you handle it makes all the difference in the world. Whem I have a round of depress, I tend to shutdown and not do anything. I feel like the whole world is against me and the family just treats me as an ATM machine for money. That is when I will take some time off and be by myself. During this time I reflect on what I have done and what is causing the depression. Most of the time this involves stepping away from the problem that I perceive as problems and like at life in general. Being in the military, you are payed on a pay scale for your grade. Just remember that you will get payed regarless of what you are doing. The same guy that is working on the nucular reactor and your grade level is getting the same pay as the gut who is cleaning the tank in the motor pool. It just doesn't make any difference right now. It is the skill set that you are developing doing the things that you are doing that matters. No matter what your doing you are learning. If you are not learning anything, study something else in your off time. Alway keep learning. The job is just that, a job. Once you leave that for the day it is over. Never take work home with you. It will just eat at you while at home. One thing I have found about work problems, they will still be there tomorrow just like you left them. Just do the best you can do each and everyday that you are at work. Once the day is over with forget about it. It will be there tomorrow.

As for being away from the kids, I know this can be very difficult. You are thinking that not being around is causing them problems and you should be there to be a role model for them. You are probably right about this one. But remember that you do get to visit with them daily. This is better than not at all. There are many kids in this nation that don't even know their father. The only role model they have are the gangs down on the corner. You being in the military show that you are commited to protecting the United States and our way of life. Your kids know this and respect you for this. I know this doesn't make it any more glamerous, like being a spy, but they know you love them and want to be part of their lives.

There is a good comparison for life that gets me through the troublesome times. Life is like a forest. You wonder around looking at the different trees and plants. The trees and plants are the people and problems and achievments that are in your life. Sometimes you can concentrate so hard on just one tree that you forget you are in a forest. Every once and a while, climb up on a hill to look at the entire forest from the top. You will discover that the entire forest is very beautiful and is strong and healthy. You will be able to see that what you think are major problems are not all the big of a deal when compared to the rest of the forest.

[Saoirse]

Thank you for your service. Only those who have been in the military truly understand the sacrifices involved.

Depression is a vicious circle. It feeds on itself. Do what you can to take your mind off of the things that bother you. Focus on the positive aspects of your life. Sure, your situation isn't perfect but then, nothing's perfect.

You'll get through this.

[Fab Karen]

It would take work & time, but you COULD get out of that profession which you also say you don't like the work. As regards custody & their mother claiming you unfit, talk to a lawyer about it, there are gay people for example who have dealt with the same thing.

[Stephenie S]

Dear Danni,

First I want to thank you for your service to your country. It is a valuable service you are providing and sometimes goes poorly appreciated. But we all really DO appreciate what you are doing and the sacrifices you are making to keep our country strong around the world.

OK. That said, you are only a short time away from retirement. Hang in there. The time will go by quickly. I am sorry you don't get to see your kids more. That kinda sucks. But as was mentioned already, you are setting a good example for them.

Your crossdressing? Listen dear. You need to deal with reality. You will NEVER be a sexy young thing. It just ain't gonna happen. But you CAN crossdress to your hearts content. You have a woman who loves you and is accepting. This is SUCH an advantage. You are blessed. Show her you love her. You will be together with her and your kids sooner than you think at this time. Time goes by faster and faster as you get older.

Count your blessings dear. You have many.

Stephenie

[Phoebe P.]

As Stephenie said, time goes by faster and faster as you get older. Hang in there. When I was 35 time went by, now it FLIES! I just want to put on the brakes!

[Diane Elizabeth]

Danni, Sweetheart, Thank you for your sacrafices .
I too went through a lot of what you are facing. I did my 20 years in the Army and had to be separated from my SO and kids. I was able to bury my other self while in only because I really didn't understand what my issues were and there was no one to talk to about what I was feeling. Thanks to the internet and not having to worry about my career I was able to learn what I was lacking in my life. Most of the people at the VA have been helpful.
All I can say is to hang in there and finish your time. You don't want to throw away 19 years of service. I am sure you and your family will be happier with retirement.

[Danni Renee]

Thank you all for your wonderful support. It was really helpful to vent and hear your advice and encouragement. It really helps me feel better. THANK YOU!

[JulieC]

I think I may one day be accepted by my kids, but I am afraid the ex will find out and use it against me to keep me from seeing the kids.

I have a child who does not live with me. Her mother is highly vindictive, but so far has not attempted this ploy. She knows I crossdress, but hasn't used it against me. She knows better than to try.

I can't speak to what the mother of your kids might try. But, the courts are very likely going to take a dim view with any attempt by her to prevent you from seeing your kids because you crossdress.



I feel like I have to choose between being myself and being who I need to be to support my family. That choice is really starting to tear at me.

It's a choice I have to face as well. I have a job that has a non-discrimination policy in place regarding gender identity. That said, there's policy and reality. You can be terminated and never know the real reasons why. Were it just me, I'd push the envelope. But, I have several people depending on me. I have to choose for them, not just for me.

You face the same dilemma.

It's not an easy one to solve, but it can help to know that the strictures in place are there less because of society and more because other people are depending on you. Having people depending on you is also a blessing.



Sure, I am probably glossing over the hard parts of being a true female but I don’t think knowledge of the hardships would ever change my desire to be female. So I feel unhappy for the life I want but can never have.

Yes, but, be aware of greener grass syndrome.


Venting is therapeutic :) Keep it up! :)

[Persephone]

First off, Danni, like so many others I have to say "Thank You" for all that you are doing for all of us and, specifically, for me and my family. You keep us safe and we really do appreciate it.

We do lead difficult lives that can sometimes tear us apart but that also give us experiences that go beyond the ordinary. It is a life of peaks and valleys and sometimes, when you are in the valley, it helps to remember that there are also peaks.

Hang in there, girl! It sounds like you are very close to finding the light at the end of the tunnel, you just need to take a few more steps through the dark.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[ReineD]

There are two separate issues going on here. The first is that you are understandably experiencing a lot of stress with your job, being away from your kids, the difficult life circumstances between you and your current SO, your upcoming move, and the conflict between what you want to do vs. your perception of what you need to do. The second issue is that you are transgender and you don't currently feel completely free to fully pursue this.

So, you are using your self-expression at a time when your life circumstances make it difficult to do so, in order to temporarily relieve the stress, which is separate from your gender expression. I think this is why you may feel your life is spiraling beyond your control. The solution you are engaging in works at cross-purposes from the problem.

If you don't mind a suggestion, by all means continue to express yourself at will, but keep this separate from any attempts to relieve the stress that is not caused by the self-expression. Instead, try to use some of these methods:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/stress_management_relief_coping.htm

There's a lot to read through and not all the suggestions may help your particular situation, but hopefully you'll be able to find something that will help ease the stress so that you can dress because you want to and not because you feel you "need to" in order to relieve the stress. If that makes sense. :p