Disclosure

[Aprilrain]

Zeniths post about her date and a few of my own experiences lately have got me thinking about the whole discloser thing. Personally I think if I'm going to be in an intimate relationship with someone I would want them to know. I don't like keeping secrets and I'm no good at it anyway. It occured to me the other day that this question of disclosure can come up in more casual relationships as well. I recently was invited to meet with a group of women at a bagel place before a meeting We go to and I couldn't help but wonder if they knew I was TS or not. Eventually they started talking about guys and sex. I felt like a foreigner, not an intruder but like an immigrant. Here I am in this wonderful but strange land, I've spent my last shekel to get here and I'm determined to make a life but while some things come so naturally other things must be learned. Anyway it was the talk of sex that was different. Women just don't talk about sex like that if there are guys around. I don't feel obligated in anyway to disclose my TS status to any of these women but I started to wonder what I would do if they started asking questions about my dating experiences. Of course the whole thing seems academic when I consider the fact that while these woman didn't know me before they know people who did and I can't control what other people choose to say about me when I'm not around. So I guess for me I will not wear a scarlet letter T but nor will I lie if asked about my past. The only place I can see going out of my way to be stealth is at work (if I ever get any) especially if I ever make it back to flying which can be a fairly conservative male dominated industry.

[Sara Jessica]

April, you bring up some really important points. I have read Julie's thread with interest but not being at that particular stage (and admittedly unsure if I will get there and if so, what I'd do in a similar situation), I don't feel qualified to offer an opinion. But in general, in speaking of stealth, your situation reminds me of a friend of mine. She is not yet full time but she has a circle of friends, both natal women and guys that she has dated, who know nothing of her being TG. Upon hearing of this, my first reaction was worry, especially on the dating front. But when it comes to the other friendships, that seems to be much less problematic provided one is consistent when it comes to elements of their past and experiences they wish to disclose.

[BreenaDion]

Gawd I hate these very points, as I as well dont like to lie . My support group told me I didnt have to come out to david but I wasnt ready for a meaningful relationship at this point in my transition. I Am in the Outing stage because of my personal situation. Court stuff comen soon then the name change an then the stealth mode shifts alittle. I have come out to all that work on me and when I have made new friends ,I tell them or they have been informed. I dont want to date a Man and have him find out im a Pre Op TS, omg thats scary. IF I was a Post OP TS then I would never tell a Man or a Woman about my Past as a TS, hense me going into Stealth Mode.

Yes as I move foward I am going slowly in certain area's of stealth . As im sure we do desire some assemblance of immunity from being Outed. I/we cant achieve such goals early on in transition.

I miss David , never in my life have I had so much fealings for a Man . That very first day as we was riding I was Willing To Lay Down For Him . This was so natural, truely amazes me what I am becomening. The Group said dont have to come out to him , just say No that he wanted to rent a room from me. I had to come out, my fealings was getting the best of me and After ward I was able to come to piece with my decision. I , in my situation did the right thing, even thou I lost me very first relationship. Awkward as it was for me , this was more than a crush, I was becomening a Woman. I lost a piece of my heart and recieved lonelyness because of it. Horrorable trade but wont come close to a sexual situation by NOT telling a man that Im not a TS. Dangerous. This operation if ever is going to take years to achieve but will I be to old ?
Breena.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

april you are freaking me out because i have been thinking the same thing..

it's sad to think that you spend your life feeling that you are a liar, then you do this amazing courageous thing, and now you feel like a liar again...and it's MUCH more subtle then telling lovers of your past...lovers are the obvious front line issue but everyone you develop bonds with in your new role is impacted by this...

April, your experience with the women is one of those times...who the heck would start a conversation by wearing a Scarlet T ...... if a Transwoman can't pass, or chooses not to pass, it isn't an issue, and that's a reasonable choice to avoid all of this, but that's not my choice...it's especially important to me because i'm looking for work and i've seen so many of us pushed out or shunned, even after multiple interviews...

recently, i inquired about a business opportunity run by a couple.. of course the wife reached out to me, and we talked on the phone for 45 minutes, and she went on and on about her kids, my kids, her husband, asked if i was married, divorced? was i seeing someone, started half her sentences with "as a woman, I felt...." ..... I had no problems relating to her from my end...i've always done my business very intuitively (even tho i'm mathematical by nature), but i felt like a liar....and i projected my own feelings to her.. i found myself thinking about how she would feel if she "knew my secret"...that's not a constructive thought process for me, but that's what i was thinking about...

i was driving my daughter to a dance with 3 girl friends...NONE of them know anything about me....and of course, they start talking about boys and periods and etc...i felt so guilty, and my daughter just totally clammed up...

in the end, i think the ONLY answer is that if you living privately as a woman, you just do it...and then at some point, in practically every meaningful relationship you have, the time will come when it becomes obvious that you are gonna have to say something... and that time will bring great anxiety, and every time there will be a risk that it will blow up the relationship (friend/lover/co worker/partner) and there will be a risk that person reacts very negatively and "spreads the news" all over the place..
It's just the way it is...and the only thing to think about is timing and what exactly to say...

the only alternatives are living an out life or dumping your entire past and going totally stealth (stealth is much harder for older folks, and is getting harder for everybody with search engines)..

[IMkrystal]

Eventually they started talking about guys and sex. I felt like a foreigner,........... Anyway it was the talk of sex that was different. Women just don't talk about sex like that if there are guys around.

From what you said it seems women are as crude about talking about sex as men. Thanks for being the fly on the wall, because it suggests women's acceptance of transgender and crossdressing is just as crude as men's. Therefore, your current relationship among them would change if they found out.:2c:

[Sejd]

Aprilrain. You bring up a good point. Kinda what I felt around Mothers day!!!! There are certain places, no matter how TS you are, you will always be a bit foreign.
I feel the same way when I'm in company with a bunch of women (as Sejd) and they start talking about baby clothing!!!!! Those are just weird moments, but it doesn't mean we are not authentic at all. Just different still :0)

[Rianna Humble]

I feel the same way when I'm in company with a bunch of women (as Sejd) and they start talking about baby clothing!!!!!

I'm probably wierd, but even when I was pretending to be a man, I could talk baby clothes with other women. Come to think of it, they might have been some of the same women who thought of the male me as a big sister :eek:

[Katesback]

Girls........ At some point some of us come to a realitization that we are women. Some of us see no reason to disclose anything to anyone. I support that if that is thier choice. Is it a lie? It depends on a number of things. Most importantly if you feel different (trans) then yea you probably would see it as a lie. On the other hand if you feel like a woman that had a problem and got it fixed then one could say it is not lieing.

I myself really see no reason to tell anyone. If the subject were to come up it can easily be deflected with a rather vague explanation (birth defect, fixed) or something else. Quickly thereafter one can clearily leave the impression that the subject is not up for discussion any further.

Once again this is more of a pre-op topic of discussion. That is one of the reasons I say transition starts after SRS. You really have to do a lot of evolving after SRS and one of the things is to deprogram the trans out of your head. I dare say that that is impossible when your pre-op because you have a constant reminder that you are trans!

Katie

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Once again this is more of a pre-op topic of discussion. That is one of the reasons I say transition starts after SRS. You really have to do a lot of evolving after SRS and one of the things is to deprogram the trans out of your head. I dare say that that is impossible when your pre-op because you have a constant reminder that you are trans!

Katie

If it's impossible to deprogram pre-op then it means it's really a subject that is very relevant post - op....

it makes sense tho that deprogramming REALLY starts when reminders of your past physical nature are gone.....depending on each persons cirmumstances (kids, passability, staying at same job) and other mental health issues (anxiety, self esteem, etc) it goes faster and slower..

in casual meetings, its very easy now to just be myself...when there is something on the line, i find myself wondering and feeling self conscious, and i tend to give the other person the "power", and worry about what they will think instead of just living life and letting things happen and letting it be their problem......i think one reason i've posted alot lately is that i am struggling with this and hanging out here (which is safe place)

[Melody Moore]

I have to agree Katie,

In the beginning I felt the need to tell people about what was going on, but I haven't been telling anyone anything I have met
in recent months. While I can relate to the feeling of being an immigrant, I also feel now that I have my citizenship as a female.

For awhile I thought that I had a bit of an accent at times that might give me away as an immigrant with my voice. But if you
are going to become an Aussie, American or Brit you will fit in better when you embrace the culture you are surrounded by. In
other words 'When in Rome, do as the Romans'. So you embrace yourself 100% as a female, then you fit in so much better.

I thought that the voice was the most important part of communication, but I was surprised to find out the other day at a
group speech therapy session that verbal communication only plays 7% in our overall communication, the other 93% of our
communication is non-verbal, body language, hand gestures, gait etc. So I think that a lot of trans-girls out there shouldn't
be so paranoid about their voices when a lot of what they need to get by comes from within when they express themselves.

At the end of the day there is no real need to tell anyone you were trans unless you were going to get in a sexual relationship
while being pre-op or serious, with marriage in mind & the guy had intentions of having kids if you are post-op. I am sure there
are many women out there that don't reveal to everyone they had their tubes tied, had a hysterectomy, a boob job, or botox
injections or whatever. So why should being a transsexual ever be any different?

[pamela_a]

I myself really see no reason to tell anyone. If the subject were to come up it can easily be deflected with a rather vague explanation (birth defect, fixed) or something else. Quickly thereafter one can clearily leave the impression that the subject is not up for discussion any further.

Once again this is more of a pre-op topic of discussion. That is one of the reasons I say transition starts after SRS. You really have to do a lot of evolving after SRS and one of the things is to deprogram the trans out of your head. I dare say that that is impossible when your pre-op because you have a constant reminder that you are trans!

Katie

Katie, You are spot on that you don't owe anyone an explanation about you medical past. However regarding your assertion one needs SRS I will again challenge. SRS may help some people but it doesn't magically change your attitude. I'm no different than any other woman except I have a particular birth defect which will be corrected in 2 months. I'm perfectly comfortable with my life as a woman and am accepted as such. My birth defect does not affect me except in minor ways like not being able to stand nude in the locker room but then most other women in there don't walk or stand around nude either. Intimate relationships will be the only other situation I can see changing after my birth defect is corrected.

I agree completely with needing to "deprogram the trans out of your head" but that's only as difficult as you make it. I wasn't trans for very long so that might be what helped me so much. I was only Trans from Apr. 17, 2009 when I started my transition until Feb. 24, 2010 when it was completed. At that time, with name changed and gender marker corrected, I could leave being Trans behind me and just live my life as a woman.

[Katesback]

I did not say anyone needs SRS.

[pamela_a]

I did not say anyone needs SRS.
I apologize for mis-stating that. My points were to your contention that transition starts post SRS. While I concede there are some things I will need to work out post op I will just consider that growth in my life. I'll reserve any other comments and let you know in a couple of months when I am post op if I'm willing to change my mind or not

[Michelle.M]

Like you I followed Julie's post (as well as all the controversy which followed) with interest, and this thread is the appropriate place to discuss all that (and not deal with those who crapped on Julie's wonderful experience).

Long story short - I am what I am and try as I might I can be nothing else.

The man I was perceived to be before I began my transition was not like any other man, and some women valued that and some women did not.

The woman that I see in myself is not like any other woman (surprise! - she has a past), and some men will value that and some men will not.

The woman in transition that I am is not like anyone else, and some people will respect that and some will not.

The only thing I can offer to this world is to be the very best me that I can possibly be and to try to make that world a little better for me being in it. My purpose - to be a good friend, a creative spirit, a strong shoulder for those who need it, a listening ear, a voice for reason. If the people who meet me don't see value in this I know that I am what the world needs anyway, and I will sleep well at night knowing that I am doing the best I can.

And for those special people, and for that special someone who enters the inner circle of my life there are no secrets. Those people, and that special someone, will know that long before that moment comes when I need to disclose anything, and that person will know that there are no secrets between us and never will be.

For the rest, all they need to know is what they see is what I am.

[Aprilrain]

I absolutely agree that I own no one any explanations and of course the less I know you the less I care what you think anyway. I'm not saying that we are living a lie by being the woman we are, what I am saying is that there are certain topics of conversation that become very tricky when you have grown up male. No matter how much of a woman I am on the inside, no matter how much work I put into correcting the outside, I cannot change what I was in the past.
I've never dated a guy so can't really talk about that, I could just say I'm a lesbian which would have a certain amount of truth to it but comes with its own set of problems. I have been married, not civil unioned, not hand fasted, and not "married" but real live have a marriage certificate married and she is not a he. I have kids, 2 of my own and 1 stepson. I did not bear my 2 and my stepson isn't my husbands but my wife's. What about work? I have mostly worked construction or landscaping (which is code for cutting grass and weed whacking) Not once did I work with a female on any construction site or landscaping crew.
I'm trying to figure out in what situation I can use the birth defect line. "so April what kind of work do you do" "oh I had a birth defect but it was corrected!" or "what was your pregnancy like" "yeah, I had a birth defect but got that taken care of" or "Oh your married, you'll have to bring your husband over for dinner sometime!" "I'd love to Madge but I've got this birth defect and I simply can't digest your foul cooking". So what I mean by lie is making up something that is not true to avoid giving away tricky details about my past. I do not think my existence is a lie
I think Kaitlyn has it right, at some point in every meaningful relationship you will not be able to postpone or evade certain details about your past so you will either lie, tell the truth or back out of the relationship before it gets to deep.

[Hope]

I have always thought that "deep stealth" was a pretty horrible mistake. I understand the desire to be any other woman. And, frankly, after transition, we are. Basically. But the idea of going back in the closet and hiding and lying about one's history and background is just as harmful after transition as it is before transition.

We don't have to hate ourselves. It is a choice that we make.

Will people treat us differently if they know we used to be "boys?" Some of them certainly will. Some of them certainly won't. The rest will respond based on how we tell them how to respond. If we deal with it like it is no big deal - then it is no big deal. If we respond like it is this big shameful secret, then it will be a big shameful secret. If we deal with it like it is cool - then it is cool.

[Michelle.M]

April, I empathize with your situation. Being single with grown kids I do not have those same constraints so I can only imagine the difficulties you are facing and will face as you continue your journey. I know it can work (it has for many others), but I only wish I could offer something besides my support to help you along.

Some of the things you mentioned are common to all of us. How much do you reveal, to whom, and under what conditions? There's no right answer as the circumstances are not the same for every person.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

one lie, two untruths, three part truths...it all quickly adds up..this is about feelings...it's about romance...in a romantic scenario how can i enjoy it if i am fearful of sharing? courting is a buildup of intimacy and hopefulness about the future..

it just doesn't work very well for those of us that aren't comfortable sharing the past.....there is no playbook, no rules in affairs of the heart!..i'm starting to realize you just have to wing it and let your heart guide you..

if you are already in a relationship, it's easy to say what people looking for a relationship should or shouldn't do about being transsexual.

for those of you living completely "out" trannssexual lives, how many are dating (looking for someone) and is anyone having any success meeting nice men AS a transsexual woman?
Is there anyone out there that is totally realworld day to day passable, has the option of being stealth, and is choosing to be out as a ts and on the dating scene with nice guys that are not chasers?

[Katesback]

While stealth does have its share of big issues it is not correct for you to say it is lieing, hiding, carrying shame.

Instead it is more of a state of mind that someone with say a amputated arm or is blind, or countless other issues tend to take. You dont see blind people walking around talking about what it is that makes them different. That my dear is really what stealth is about. It is protecting your privacy, your right to live as normal a life as possible, and 1000 other reasons.

And yes at times I am totally ready to tell a lie if ever confronted. Like I said I have a right to my privacy.

Katie




I have always thought that "deep stealth" was a pretty horrible mistake. I understand the desire to be any other woman. And, frankly, after transition, we are. Basically. But the idea of going back in the closet and hiding and lying about one's history and background is just as harmful after transition as it is before transition.

We don't have to hate ourselves. It is a choice that we make.

Will people treat us differently if they know we used to be "boys?" Some of them certainly will. Some of them certainly won't. The rest will respond based on how we tell them how to respond. If we deal with it like it is no big deal - then it is no big deal. If we respond like it is this big shameful secret, then it will be a big shameful secret. If we deal with it like it is cool - then it is cool.

[mustlovedogs]

My $.02.

I underwent FFS and SRS. I am female physically and legally (BC changed, DL, bank, etc.). I am female, not post anything.

I potentially out myself to new medical professionals by listing the surgeries I underwent. If they ask, I tell them, otherwise nothing. All other doctors know because they treated me before.

I've always worked in fields with a large number of female employees so if anyone asks where I work, I tell them and that's the end.

My orientation is hetero so I'm quite conversant about men with GFs. My feet have been in stirrups while my doc did an internal w/speculum so I can talk about that too. Only questions I've ever gotten were follow-ups to how old I am. Comments are usually that I look younger than chronological age and do admit "I've had some work done." That opens up a whole topic that most hetero women want to talk about.

Been in a couple of relationships that did not get serious. If I do meet someone I that I want to spend the rest of my life with, I'll deal with it when the time comes. Right now, getting married or any LTR not a priority so don't really dwell on it.

No one ever asked me anything close to "are you a transsexual?"

Stealth? Don't know because it doesn't matter.

[Michelle.M]

While stealth does have its share of big issues it is not correct for you to say it is lieing, hiding, carrying shame.

Exactly! Where do we get this notion that if our lives are not totally transparent then we're being deceitful?

We all have many things we don't reveal. Past failures, regrets, youthful indiscretions that are over and done with and we don't want to bring up because they are (in addition to being painful) meaningless to our lives today. Oh, sure, if revealing that particular incident would make a positive difference in my relationship with someone today I might be inclined to discuss it, but otherwise it's in the past, and stays there.

Stealth is not hating oneself. It's not deceit. It's not a mistake. It's many things, including a skill needed to integrate into your new life, a survival tactic, a coping mechanism and just simply a way of getting on with your life as you want it to be.

Nobody ever should be ashamed of that, and nobody else should ever feel they have a right to an account for the way you live your life.

[Melody Moore]

Stealth is not hating oneself. It's not deceit. It's not a mistake. It's many things, including a skill needed to integrate into
your new life, a survival tactic, a coping mechanism and just simply a way of getting on with your life as you want it to be.

I agree, but if i could just add anything, then I see it no differently to anyone else that likes to talk about
their past, there is nothing wrong with looking forward, embracing yourself for who you really are & letting
go of what was a very painful past. I think that for most of us here dwelling on the past is something we
try to avoid, having to go back into those memories is only a step backwards, it's painful & it surely won't
make us feel very happy. So unless there is a genuine need for someone to know, then why even go there?

[Aprilrain]

So, I'm satisfied that we have established that each person has the right to be as out or stealth as he or she chooses to be. I'm also confident that many people here, my self included, agree that no one has to share the fact that they are, were or will be a transsexual. none of this is a problem at the grocery store or bank, I believe the problem arises when you have already established a relationship with someone be it a friendship or a romance and now there is a certain amount of trust and intimacy implicit in said relationship. I'm not sure what kind of people every one else here spends time with but I spend most of my time around other women and they like to talk, I like to talk. Now just as a for example lets say we started talking about relationships, most women like talking about relationships. Lets say the conversation gets around to old relationships like your first boyfriend in high school. Veronica goes on and on about what a beef cake Biff the star football player was. Then Susan regales us with stories about Seth who was kind of a bad boy but had a real soft spot, yeah I bet Susan! And on around the table we go until its Aprils turn to tell all about her first boyfriend in high school, Kristen. April is 100% stealth, no one knows about her past since she offed her parents and ex and made it look like an accident. Ice block on the brakes, sea side cliff crude but effective. She no longer has to work because of the inheritance and the insurance money, even her own knowledge of her past is questionable since she spent thousands on a hypnotist. but She clearly remembers Kristen if for no other reason than that kristen had hairy nipples which was a turn off, yuck! April quickly assesses the situation and determines that it is simply not possible to off all of her friends. She recently sold her truck as it was far to masculine of a vehicle and bought a Smart Car which can hold exactly 0 bodies in its "trunk" you can barely get a grocery bag in there! She is faced with the ultimate transexual dilemma tell a lie to keep her cover, tell the truth to keep her conscious (in spite of the fact that April is now the perpetrator of a triple homicide she is a regular honest Abe and "can not tell a lie") or say "look at the time! wow its been fun girls lets do it again some time bye gotta go" as she fumbles with her purse, throws way too much money on the table, and nearly twist her ankle (still working on walking in heels) running for the door.
hhhhmmmmmmmmm WHAT WOULD YOU DO!!!!!!!!!

[Michelle.M]

hhhhmmmmmmmmm WHAT WOULD YOU DO!!!!!!!!!

One never knows until the situation is real and for me, right now, today, it's academic. But maybe, I dunno, talk about the relationship using as many gender neutral terms as possible and give her a male name?

[lizlizzie]

Hope, I think there would be a lot more acceptance out there, and it would ge a lot easier for us GGs to find assistance in understanding and accepting when this happens, if there were more women willing to take your position. I can understand after having achieved correction of nature's mistake that you may want to just live your life life any average women. But if everyone took that approach, we would still all be slaves to men and have no rights. When I was a teenager in the 70s, being a lesbian was a big stigmatism. When my daughter was a teenager in the 90s, it didn't matter to her and her friends. This wasn't accomplished by hiding.

Generally, we accept what we see. I had a problem with seeing my spouse as a female in the beginning because I knew her as a guy. Meeting other transwomen, because I did no have a previous relationship with them as men, I only ever see them as woman, no matter where they are in the process.

[pamela_a]

I have always thought that "deep stealth" was a pretty horrible mistake. I understand the desire to be any other woman. And, frankly, after transition, we are. Basically. But the idea of going back in the closet and hiding and lying about one's history and background is just as harmful after transition as it is before transition.

We don't have to hate ourselves. It is a choice that we make.

Will people treat us differently if they know we used to be "boys?" Some of them certainly will. Some of them certainly won't. The rest will respond based on how we tell them how to respond. If we deal with it like it is no big deal - then it is no big deal. If we respond like it is this big shameful secret, then it will be a big shameful secret. If we deal with it like it is cool - then it is cool.

So tell me Hope, do you have a bit T tattooed on your forehead and all of your clothes have "I'm a Tranny" printed on them in large block letters? After all, it sounds like you believe the worst thing in the world is if the entire world doesn't know your entire medical history.

I'm personally so tired of being condemned just because I want to live my life. I don't hate myself. I'm not lying to myself. And I am a woman; not a woman basically. I'm NOT in the closet. I'm NOT hiding from anyone or anything. Everyone who knew me before still knows who I am. People I meet now know me as I am now. If I believe it's necessary they will be told, but it's not for everyone.

If you want to be a Tranny for the rest of your life go right ahead, it's your life. Just please stop condemning me because I'm a woman and that's how I want to live my life

[Katesback]

I have said it before and will say it again. If someone wants to parade around and carry the tranny flag that is totally fine with me. For sure there are people out there that do that stuff they are called activists. Donna Rose for example did a lot to help trans people and she will forever be a trans girl. She can not ever escape that since she is known around the world. If thats your call go for it.

I got an email from a trans friend about a job opening. $70,000 dollars for the right candidate. I read the add and I would fit that job to a T since I did a lot similar work for the state of Florida. Problem is the job is working with trans people and they are asking for the candidate to be trans. Do you think I will apply. Hell no!!!!!!!!!!!!! I learned my lesson and did my bid for the trans community. It is my time now!

Katie

[Hope]

While stealth does have its share of big issues it is not correct for you to say it is lieing, hiding, carrying shame.

And yes at times I am totally ready to tell a lie if ever confronted.

You said it, not me.


So tell me Hope, do you have a bit T tattooed on your forehead and all of your clothes have "I'm a Tranny" printed on them in large block letters? After all, it sounds like you believe the worst thing in the world is if the entire world doesn't know your entire medical history.

I'm personally so tired of being condemned just because I want to live my life. I don't hate myself. I'm not lying to myself. And I am a woman; not a woman basically. I'm NOT in the closet. I'm NOT hiding from anyone or anything. Everyone who knew me before still knows who I am. People I meet now know me as I am now. If I believe it's necessary they will be told, but it's not for everyone.

If you want to be a Tranny for the rest of your life go right ahead, it's your life. Just please stop condemning me because I'm a woman and that's how I want to live my life

I never suggested I wish to be a tranny for the rest of my life. Though I will be, and I am fine with that. Like you, I can't change history. I may go on to be any number of things in the future, (including a woman) but just as I will always be an ordained person and a university graduate, I will also always be a tranny. I also never suggested that you or anyone else should wear some sort of scarlet T. Nor did I suggest that you disclose the form or nature of your genitalia to everyone you meet. How would you even do that in casual conversation? An interesting business card perhaps.

I did say that I think that lying about your history, and returning to the closet is a mistake. If you want to spend the rest of your life hiding and living in fear that someone will figure out your dirty little secret - that is your business. Go right ahead, it's your life. No one is condemning you. But I do think it is foolish.

I tend to think honesty is the best approach. Honesty tempered with a healthy dose of appropriate boundaries. Does everyone I pass out a business card to need to know, or even have a right to know? Of course not. Do my friends? Maybe. If I am asked by a friend, am I going to lie? No. If I am asked by the guy that changes the oil in my car, am I going to tell him? Hell no. I am going to point out to him that such is an incredibly rude question and send him away.

You may feel just fine about how you are living. And I hope that you do. Your sarcastic and mean-spirited reaction however tells me I hit a nerve.

[Aprilrain]

I have said it before and will say it again. If someone wants to parade around and carry the tranny flag that is totally fine with me. For sure there are people out there that do that stuff they are called activists. Donna Rose for example did a lot to help trans people and she will forever be a trans girl. She can not ever escape that since she is known around the world. If thats your call go for it.

I got an email from a trans friend about a job opening. $70,000 dollars for the right candidate. I read the add and I would fit that job to a T since I did a lot similar work for the state of Florida. Problem is the job is working with trans people and they are asking for the candidate to be trans. Do you think I will apply. Hell no!!!!!!!!!!!!! I learned my lesson and did my bid for the trans community. It is my time now!

Katie

Is the job in Florida? I'd move to Florida I mean hell I'm from Ohio we all end up there sooner or later anyway!

[ReineD]

The only reason to go stealth is because of society's ignorance or lack of acceptance of transpersons, since there have been few compared to the general population. If it was generally recognized there are people who identify as a gender different than birth, there would be no need for an individual to hide his or her past, hide what transpired, and hide his or her current status.

Hopefully it will continue to get better. There has been a marked improvement in just a few generations. And if it is true there are more intersex or ambiguous gender births world-wide because of what we are doing to our environment or for other reasons, there will be more and more people who will change their genders, hopefully making the issue even more visible, thus more accessible to the general population.

In the meantime, I agree with those who wish to tell the people they are closest too.

Oh ... and on the subject of women speaking about sex differently among themselves than with men, I'm not so sure about that. I've had several explicit conversations about sex with men in my past, some of whom were straight, some of whom were gay. :)

[pamela_a]

You said it, not me.



I never suggested I wish to be a tranny for the rest of my life. Though I will be, and I am fine with that. Like you, I can't change history. I may go on to be any number of things in the future, (including a woman) but just as I will always be an ordained person and a university graduate, I will also always be a tranny. I also never suggested that you or anyone else should wear some sort of scarlet T. Nor did I suggest that you disclose the form or nature of your genitalia to everyone you meet. How would you even do that in casual conversation? An interesting business card perhaps.

I did say that I think that lying about your history, and returning to the closet is a mistake. If you want to spend the rest of your life hiding and living in fear that someone will figure out your dirty little secret - that is your business. Go right ahead, it's your life. No one is condemning you. But I do think it is foolish.

I tend to think honesty is the best approach. Honesty tempered with a healthy dose of appropriate boundaries. Does everyone I pass out a business card to need to know, or even have a right to know? Of course not. Do my friends? Maybe. If I am asked by a friend, am I going to lie? No. If I am asked by the guy that changes the oil in my car, am I going to tell him? Hell no. I am going to point out to him that such is an incredibly rude question and send him away.

You may feel just fine about how you are living. And I hope that you do. Your sarcastic and mean-spirited reaction however tells me I hit a nerve.

Sarcastic and mean spirited? I took what you said and applied it to myself.

I suppose that is one more reason I should leave. No matter what my thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and desires are they are all wrong and condemned by the established transgender community. I can't relate to being trans because I'm not. As I stated before I'm not lying, I don't hate myself and I'm not hiding from anything. The nerve you hit was the result of always being condemned by "the community" for how I wish to live my life.

[Sharon]

Whether or not a person discloses their biological gender history is a personal decision. Period. One size does not fit all.

Repeatedly arguing about such personal decisions is not only pointless and boring to read, but it is also insulting. State your position on such matters, but how about leaving the back-and-forth bickering for other places than an anonymous forum. And this goes for sermons as well. As far as I am concerned, no one is holier than another.

[Melody Moore]

I went to see my employment agency yesterday & one of the things we talked about was the need to disclose
anything to any prospective employer about being a transsexual female. My case worker & I both agreed that
there is no need to reveal anything about this aspect of my life to anyone else. The biggest problem I have at
the moment is that all my certificates & qualifications are in my former male name & a few of them I can't get
the name changed on because some of the places I did training through no longer exist. So how we are now
going to tackle this problem is by taking my certificates & former qualifications, work references etc to the local
TAFE college when I enrol in a new course for Recognition of Prior Learning. This way any new documents that
will be issued will reflect my qualifications & experience but all under my new identity. At this point of time I am
not comfortable about applying for a new job with out-dated documentation that doesn't reflect who I am now.

Some of you here refer to this as being completely 'stealth', but the truth is I believe that I am just embracing
who I really am & the person I had always been all my life. If ever there was a time in my life I was in 'stealth
mode', then that was back in the days when I lived as a male & was repressing my true gender identity. That
was when I lived the biggest lie by not revealing who I truly was, and NOT by what you see before you now.

It's also funny how a lot of my friends really respect me for being so honest & having
good morals & such a high amount of integrity for being the person I truly am now, eh?

Disclosure is a matter of personal choice - There are some people I am comfortable in telling about my past,
whereas others I am not. It is completely pointless & a complete waste of your own time trying to condemn
me or try to force your own opinions about my decisions. People should be able to live their lives in the best
way they can to be happy, so long as it doesn't impact on anyone else, right?

So how will my decision not to disclose any of my past have such a detrimental affect on others? :daydreaming: