not sure what to do about work

[arbon]

Something weighing a lot on my mind right now is what to do about my job.

I had planned to file for a name change in 3 weeks, as soon as school is out for summer, because I want that business done before my daughter starts middleschool in the fall. Where I live when you file for a name change it is published in the local paper for 4 weeks and I don't want that happening while my daughter is in school because it is a very small community. She has a hard enough time because of what I am doing and when my name is in the paper it is going to really bring it front and center and I don't want her class mates saying oh I saw your dad is changing his name to Theresa hahahaha. Not that her classmates or their parents wont know but I just want to keep it as low key as possible and hope by the time school starts it wont so fresh in peoples minds and be a little bit less of an issue. Hoping anyway.

Right now living a dual life; going to work as male but presenting as a woman the rest of the time. In a small community it gets just a little bit insane and confuses people and is stressful for me and my family as I am switching back and forth all the time. I can go out to lunch from work dressing like a man and have people referring to me by both names! It is not like what I am doing is any secret anymore - everyone that knows me knows wether it is personal relationships or business relationships. And in a small community like this most everyone does know me.

But my employer is not supportive and it has been a very tense issue for months. It has been going back and forth from gonna get fired to him expecting me to quit. My hours are reduced and I have less responsibility and fewer clients and so on.

I don't want to lose my job. I am not doing well enough financially to carry me through where I can do the name change and survive without working for a year of RLE let alone be able to afford surgery so I could get my makers on state ID's changed.

The choices - keep my head down, mouth shut and keep taking it day by day dealing with it as it is, living this freaky dual life until I feel more financially secure or have some sort of plan on how I am going to support myself when I lose this job. Wait at least until next year before filing for the change, and hope my boss just leaves me alone about it between now and then but maybe he will become more accepting of the idea with time. However I am not going to stop presenting as a woman outside of work! I just can't do it, I hate presenting as a man and I am not going to do it anymore then I absolutely have to.

Or

Stick to my plans for the name change and take one more shot at convincing him to let me at least try to transition on the job and if he does not go for that then hope we can work something out that allows me to possibly collect unemployment. But by pushing it more there is a fair chance it will be to much for him and he flat out fires me.

I feel like I need to make up my mind soon, before it is made up for me, but I have been really stuck (afraid) about what to do. So I don't do anything and keep putting off making a decision

[AllieSF]

Wow, you do have a complicated situation. If you were single, I would say go for it. However, being married with a child, or more, I believe that one needs to think of the ability to adequately provide for loved ones and one's own self. Your situation is more complicated, or maybe simplified, because you our out publicly to most people including your employer, who appears to be reacting negatively to your desired transition by reducing hours and clients, a sure sign.

The first recommendation is to that you be thoroughly versed in your State and Federal regulations concerning your situation. Second, since the writing is on the wall from your current employer, search out a good labor attorney now while you can afford one and clarify your rights if you lose your job because of your situation, and what plan of action is worth your effort to put into effect when let go. Third, start looking what is available in the market place for a new job, even if that might mean a move from your current location. Use a good headhunter and explain your situation to them so that they can help you better. Fighting for your legal rights without a job and the corresponding income, is not what you should be doing. If you sit and wait for your employer to fire you, or until his attitude and relationship with you becomes so unbearable that you decide to quit, it may be too late to find a replacement job to keep that income flowing.

Another thing to consider is that if you get a new job in a company that values your abilities and has a good diversity policy and management approach, you may be better off transitioning with them where you know your job will be secure, as long as you perform and the market keeps improving.

I appreciate your desire to minimize the negative effects of a name change on your daughter, but in my opinion all that is secondary to your ability to earn an income. Once you resolve your income/job issues (maybe through a very good conversation with your current employer), then I would start to worry about your name change and its impact on your family. The name change will be a milestone for you, for sure. However, you have a much rougher road ahead than just the name change issues. I wish you the best of luck.

[Jay Cee]

I'm thinking that your boss is smart enough that he won't fire you. He probably realizes that will bring about a potential lawsuit for discrimination. He's trying to get you to quit. So, like Allie says, start looking at other employment options, even if it means moving.

Also, why not go to work presenting as a female? Is there a specific rule that says you can't? If all your clients already know about your transitioning and your other name, and still choose to deal with you, why not go full out?

Your wanting to protect your daughter is admirable, btw. However, I'd say that the sooner you get the ball rolling, the quicker the dust is going to settle. And when it settles, your life may very well approach something resembling normal.

Wishing you success, Arbon.

[CharleneT]

Complicated is right ! Is Trans a protected class where you live ? Might help with the employment issues. Your plan seems reasonable, especially since you are living the dual life - which does suck majorly. There are times when it is completely necessary though. I am thinking the change may make your life less complex in the day to day, but will sharpen the focus on your transition (this is not a phase, she's actually "doing it'). Public opinion can be a hard thing to judge, or trust.

[arbon]

Locally finding another job is going to be tough, not much going on here (like most places) but I think my best bet would be trying to get a job here as a woman since I am so out already, in which case I should at least have my name change and fingers crossed. Really I would not consider trying to find a job as a man locally at this point. I am so out anyway it would not matter.

Also there is the possibility I could make it financially on my own as a broker in my industry. Would not be easy but it is a possibility. Or finding some other self employment to.

Moving and trying to find a decent job as a man somewhere else for the sake of being able to support my daughter and wife is still an option but not a nice one to think about - when it comes to my daughter I do worry a lot about how what I am doing is impacting her. It is a big deal and I have a lot of guilt about it. It is really hard for me to accept and I worry about it so much.. On the other hand I had reached a point where I was not functioning well, going insane and suicide front and center trying to stay a man to keep my job and protect my family. It was a very hopeless place to be and I don't want to go back there.

Now that I am out, on hrt to and in transition I am functioning better and not so overwhelmed with depression and anxiety like I was. The GID is a lot less intense. Sometimes it confuses me because I realize at times I am not experiencing GID which had become such a normal and regular thing to experience. The lack of experiencing those negative feelings as intensely as I used to leaves me thinking that yeah, I could pull off moving and finding another job as a man for a while. Then the question is if I try to repress myself and look for and find a job somewhere else as a man, is all negative stuff going to come back? I don't really know if I could do it anyway, the thought is not a pleasant one. But I have not ruled out trying if I have to. The other thing about that is if I do find a job somewhere I will have to do the coming out all over again and go through all that stress and who knows how it would turn out somewhere else? Could find myself right back in the same place or worse. I would just assume if in anyway possible to get through my transitoin here and then move someplace where I will not be known - living here I will never escape being trans but I might I well finish the job here then move. I don't want to go through this again.

There is no legal protection in this state. I have investigated it and even from an attorney for ACLU there is really nothing I could do. I don't think I would want to do anything anyway as far as a lawsuit and if he wants me gone that bad I don't want to be there anyway. I am sure my boss knows this to because I know he has talked to a lawyer about it. Even if there was I don't know that it is a card I would play. In a bigger company I could see it, but in this small company where I work so closely with the owner if he could make it real miserable for me to be there. And I would never sue him, despite all this he has done a lot for me over the years and gave me a lot of opportunity.

What I think has protected me from losing my job so far is my bosses fear that if I go some important clients will go with me even if I don't find a job in the same industry - there would be some backlash because I have a long and good relationship with some good clients who otherwise would not do work with us. Also my bosses girl friend (though she is the one that initially outed me to him last November) is supportive of me and has pressured him to not let me go. I don't know that for sure but she had said some time ago she would make sure he did not fire me. But I know him and eventually he will do what he thinks best regardless of her.

What I am not clear about, that a labor lawyer may be of help with, is if I can collect unemployment benefits if I am let go because I am transitioning. My wife talked to the local unemployment office here about mys situation and it was not clear. It seemed to really come down to whether he challenges any claim I make.

As far as going to work as female I would love to!!! Really there is only one co-worker that is going to give me a bad time (already makes little remarks here and there to me) but that does not matter to much because we have never gotten along anyway. One of my other co-workers lives down the street from me and see's me frequently the others know and it seems like it wont be to hard for them to make the leap. I think as long I can keep work coming in the door so they keep their jobs they will be fine with it. But if I come to work as a female out of the blue I think my boss might go ballistic and I don't want to do that.

I really appreciate all the comments. Writing all this out and trying to process it helps. I panic about it. Get scared. Uncertain. I still am.

Right now I am thinking to wait a couple more weeks and keep considering my options, but I think I am going to have to keep moving forward and take the chance.

That got a bit long :)

got to go to bed now

[Hope]

You need to be looking for a new gig. Do it while you still have your old one.

Take a pay-cut, take a demotion, do what you have to, but find a new gig with a better employer. Heck, the way the job market is today, people who aren't transitioning are taking pay cuts and demotions when they change jobs. I work at the cosmetics counter at Macy's and I have a masters degree, just like 4 other girls I work with do. One of them is in accounting.

See if you can get a gig with one of the companies that scores well on the HRC's Corporate equality index if you can:

http://www.hrc.org/issues/best-places-to-work-2011.htm