Out of the closet into the filre... Please help.

[Casey]

I don't have much time to write this but I could really use some guidance.
I told my wife about my crossdressing last week ans she is not taking it well.
I understand her confusion and her anger and can deal with that over time.
What I am concerned about is that she has found a support group that, to me, appears to be openly anti-CD.

Does anyone know anything about or have experience with

www.crossdresserswives.com?

I am not opposed to my wife reaching out and I support her looking for other women that have walked this path. I am concerned that she spent two hours on the phone with a lady she met through this site and then immediately acused me of all sorts of things from porn to being secretly gay - none of which are true.

I would appreciate any advice or coucel you can provide.


Thanks

Casey.

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Casey

You could suggest to your wife she join this forum

The FAB section ( female at birth) is a place where wives and SO's of MTF CD's can discuss their concerns in private and share experiences

If she joins she will get all the help and support she needs
I hope this helps

[J'lyn GG]

Casey, that is not a good website for an unaccepting wife. I went there in the beginning, b/c coming here just pissed me off. This is where the spectrum of acceptance comes into play. Just b/c I am not 100% supporting and participating does not mean I am not just as wonderful as the women who are. Who wants to come here to be told they are awful and if they truly loved their husband, they would accept this part of them. That can go both ways. I won't go to much into this here, b/c I don't want to get blasted, again.

Anyway, the women on that website are good women with awful husbands. More than just cders. I can't even begin to tell you the things those women go thru. Its hard for alot of those women on that site to fathom a husband who is loving, attentive and an all-around good guy, IMO. I go there to offer support to any woman who might be going to that site that has 'just' a cding husband. I think I konow who you may be talking about. She will be able to rant and rave there. Which is not something you can do on the main forum here. BUt that may be what she needs right now.

This is a good website once she can bring herself to post. It took me 2-3 months of lurking before I finally decided I was desparate enough for help from the GG's, that I started posting. (once she has 10 posts, then she can apply to the FAB forum) In the mean time, get into counseling or she may not be able to find her way out of the vicious grief cycle we, as wives, go thru. PM me if you have any questions. She has to get to the place where she realizes she KNOWS you and they don't. Just b/c their husbands did A, B and C, doesn't mean you will.

[rachellegsep]

Prior to my wife's acceptance she looked at that site . She found it full of people with one sided CD bashing biased views. The main theme there was to be no acceptance / compromise and that advice of giving ultimatums to give it up or get divorced were liberally dished out. Very scarry . Happily my wife wasn't taken in with this one sidedness & on my adviced joined this to chat with more informed unbiased SO's. Speak to your SO as soon as possible and get her here, that site is really vindictive.

[vetobob9]

I don't have much time to write this but I could really use some guidance.
I told my wife about my crossdressing last week ans she is not taking it well.
I understand her confusion and her anger and can deal with that over time.
What I am concerned about is that she has found a support group that, to me, appears to be openly anti-CD.

Does anyone know anything about or have experience with

www.crossdresserswives.com?

I am not opposed to my wife reaching out and I support her looking for other women that have walked this path. I am concerned that she spent two hours on the phone with a lady she met through this site and then immediately acused me of all sorts of things from porn to being secretly gay - none of which are true.

I would appreciate any advice or coucel you can provide.


Thanks

Casey.

When I found this I found via google search. Crossdresserwives was the link immediately below the link for this forum. They are very hostile to crossdressers and promulgate the myth that crossdressing proves men are child molestors.
A lot of the claims they promote are not scientifically supported and have actually been refuted by professional researchers with Master's degrees.

They are classed as a hate group by several human rights organizations.
Being a new member of that group, your wife may not know what they stand for or what their real motives are.

[ReineD]

Casey, this is not a good site. It is not flexible and it encourages non-support of the CDing. I consider it to be a hate site and they do spread lies.

There are a handful of women who post there regularly and I gather they do not have positive experiences with their husbands. Just because a husband crossdresses doesn't mean he can't also be alcoholic, fetishistic, abusive, etc and it is my impression there were a host of other issues in the site owner's marriage that she attributes to the CDing. Also, she or others may have "religious" objections, which really don't have anything to do with the CDing, but is another reason to hide behind rhetoric.

Your wife should join a different site, such as this one, that supports everyone no matter where are their levels of acceptance.

[J'lyn GG]

When I found this I found via google search. Crossdresserwives was the link immediately below the link for this forum. They are very hostile to crossdressers and promulgate the myth that crossdressing proves men are child molestors.
A lot of the claims they promote are not scientifically supported and have actually been refuted by professional researchers with Master's degrees.

They are classed as a hate group by several human rights organizations.
Being a new member of that group, your wife may not know what they stand for or what their real motives are.

I was NEVER told by anyone on that site that cders are child molestors. They don't really 'claim' anything, per se. They don't have any motives, but to find a safe place where they will not be blasted for any comment that is not 100% supportive. You have no idea what those women have gone thru. Like I said in my previous post, most of the women on that site have husbands that are not JUST cders. It is way more than that and they do not treat their marriages like the sacred union they are.

[vetobob9]

I was NEVER told by anyone on that site that cders are child molestors. They don't really 'claim' anything, per se. They don't have any motives, but to find a safe place where they will not be blasted for any comment that is not 100% supportive. You have no idea what those women have gone thru. Like I said in my previous post, most of the women on that site have husbands that are not JUST cders. It is way more than that and they do not treat their marriages like the sacred union they are.

I revisited that site after posting here and was going to repost when I saw your comment. It seems they've toned down the militant rhetoric a lot since I last visited their site two years ago.


Casey, this is not a good site. It is not flexible and it encourages non-support of the CDing. I consider it to be a hate site and they do spread lies.

There are a handful of women who post there regularly and I gather they do not have positive experiences with their husbands. Just because a husband crossdresses doesn't mean he can't also be alcoholic, fetishistic, abusive, etc and it is my impression there were a host of other issues in the site owner's marriage that she attributes to the CDing. Also, she or others may have "religious" objections, which really don't have anything to do with the CDing, but is another reason to hide behind rhetoric.

Your wife should join a different site, such as this one, that supports everyone no matter where are their levels of acceptance.
I would suggest rechecking them as I just did. While there are still a lot of CD bashing, the rhetoric there appears to have softened. They have improved a lot since the last time I looked at their forum.

[BRANDYJ]

Casey, if your wife is reluctant in coming here at your suggestion, maybe you can copy some of the comments about that site that the GG's here have posted about it and in doing so, show her there are other places she can get support without bashing her for her feelings and emotions over your being a CD. From all I have read and heard about that site, it is anything but a site that will help your wife understand and maybe gain some education about exactly what and why many men are CD's. By far, this site is better for her to communicate what she is feeling to a membership of other GG's that can offer her choices in how to proceed with you and help her sort out her emotions.
I commend you in coming out to her as hard as I know that was to do. Now be understanding of her shock, worry and other feelings she may have. Support her, love her and appreciate her for the wonderful woman she is. Let her set the pace of further discussions about your need, desire or compulsion to dress. Don't get all caught up in the pink fog and go over-board with any sign of her trying to accept and understand your needs. I wish you both luck in keeping your marriage together.

[NicoleScott]

I commend you in coming out to her as hard as I know that was to do. Now be understanding of her shock, worry and other feelings she may have. Support her, love her and appreciate her for the wonderful woman she is. Let her set the pace of further discussions about your need, desire or compulsion to dress. Don't get all caught up in the pink fog and go over-board with any sign of her trying to accept and understand your needs. I wish you both luck in keeping your marriage together.

Casey, read this part of Brandy's post several times. It's good advice.

Prudent people don't just read something somewhere and believe it as fact. Seek the truth from multiple sources. And encourage your wife to do the same. There is a lot of misinformation out there regarding crossdressing and crossdressers (porn, gay, etc.) Keep in touch here. There are good folks here who have been in your situation.

[Cindy_Act]

Immediately after telling my wife about my crossdressing we sought the services of a professional councellor. It is the best thing we could have done. Next challenge for you is to find a good unbiased councellor. This is far too an important issue to rely on the internet for answers. Get help.

[vetobob9]

We should bear in mind that this site, just like CDwives.com does lean towards being one sided. On here we frown upon anyone being opposed to or judgmental toward crossdressing. On Cross Dressers Wives, they found on any one opposing their view of crossdressing as deviant or that passes judgement of their values, in regards to crossdressers.
Each site tends to cater to one side of the debate. Perhaps one should recommend a site that is welcoming of both sides of the debate and of all views regarding crossdressers.
Having a place where everyone is required to accept you as you are or of your feelinngs about the subject is important and I see both sites serving a very important role. But I also see a need for a site where both groups can mingle and gain of better understanding of each other.

EDIT: Regards to Cindy's post. Finding a neutral and unbiased councellor can be very important for both you and your wife in the early days of your revelation to her. This can help her deal with any issues she might have and it might help you decide if you really are a crossdressers or not.

[ReineD]

We should bear in mind that this site, just like CDwives.com does lean towards being one sided. On here we frown upon anyone being opposed to or judgmental toward crossdressing.

This is wholly inaccurate.

It is true that most of the GGs who come here have a desire to understand in order to make their relationships work, and the FAB mods have long ago resolved their initial issues with the CDing, but to say that we "frown" upon any new GG who has been lied to and is very angry about this is simply not true.

Every single GG in FAB is completely accepted for wherever she's at and no one will think less of her. If she feels she cannot wrap her mind around the CDing, she will still be respected and liked. We will try to answer her questions and give her the benefit of our own experience, but we all have different backgrounds, partners, etc, and NO ONE is ever in any measure to impose their views on someone else.

If anyone puts GGs down for not being accepting, it is SOME of the CDers here (not most, thankfully), and not other GGs.

[Mimi]

I would also like to encourage your wife to join this forum, if for no other reason she can read your posts, the posts of other loving husbands (especially the thread about what the CDer would say), and for her to find out that the vast majority of CDers on this site are regular people with regular lives and loves and needs, but with an additional need to express themselves in a way that society frowns upon. If she can post enough to join FAB, then she'll have a safe place to vent and ask questions. I found that it really helped me to gain acceptance of my SO and understand her needs and feelings.

[Anna B]

Mimi, I think you are a peach. hun.

Anna x

[Kelly DeWinter]

Casey;

Since your are in the fire so to speak, i would encourage you along the lines that have been posted here.

. Stay calm, if you you are accused of something that is not true, do not argue about it, be calm open and honest. If there is no discussion, then write a letter addressing the issues.
. Do not criticize the other site, find some stories from GG's here, who have posted their stories and print them out for your spouse to read.
. Mayby even hyperlink to some articles here.
. Be open to all questions.

Be patient

Kelly

[Momarie]

While not as whole heartedly accepting as this site, I don't think it is so bad.
At least the women there are allowed to say what they want without fear of reprisal.

There are many sites that deal with this.....in all it's many extremes.

[vetobob9]

This is wholly inaccurate.

It is true that most of the GGs who come here have a desire to understand in order to make their relationships work, and the FAB mods have long ago resolved their initial issues with the CDing, but to say that we "frown" upon any new GG who has been lied to and is very angry about this is simply not true.

Every single GG in FAB is completely accepted for wherever she's at and no one will think less of her. If she feels she cannot wrap her mind around the CDing, she will still be respected and liked. We will try to answer her questions and give her the benefit of our own experience, but we all have different backgrounds, partners, etc, and NO ONE is ever in any measure to impose their views on someone else.

If anyone puts GGs down for not being accepting, it is SOME of the CDers here (not most, thankfully), and not other GGs.

Interesting though I'm not sure that is what I meant. Communication over the net can too 2 dimensional. Maybe this can be fixed when Internet 2.0 comes out. I heard they are still working on it.

Also with almost everyone using fem names, it's hard for me to know who is a genetic female and who isn't.

Some CDers do tend to be judgmental just as some GG's tend to be judgmental. But this may have more to do with what they have gone through, their own personal experiences thus far in life.

Going back to the original point. What I was trying to say, in a limited two dimensional way, is that we have all been judgmental at some point. We have all experienced the shock of finding that things were not what we were lead to believe.
Many of us having experienced the shattering of trust when our partner, who we've been married suddenly pops something completely unexpected after years upon years of marriage. While I have never been married and never dated, and I am not a GG, I can still empathize with them. It helps to smooth things when you try to put yourself in the other person's position and try to see things from their point of view.

[BRANDYJ]

While not as whole heartedly accepting as this site, I don't think it is so bad.
At least the women there are allowed to say what they want without fear of reprisal.

There are many sites that deal with this.....in all it's many extremes.

Jamie'TG's SO, You are free to say what you want here too. I'm sorry if you feel you were disrespected for posting something to any of our forums.
One thing that is not tolerated here is for someone taking a person to task for their genuine feelings.

We are especially protective of our GG members. Most of us cherish the mere fact that you are here. I among others will have your back if anyone becomes disrespectful to you. Nothing makes me more angry then when a GG member is jumped on for expressing how she feels about any issue dealing with a CD spouse. I for one can sense how difficult it is to be the spouse of a CDer and either him coming out to you, or worse yet, you discovering his TG status on your own.

I/we may or may not agree with what you say, but I will always respect your feelings and understand that what is an issue to you is genuine. So please, do not fear posting your true feelings on any topic.

[Jenniferathome]

Casey, when I told my wife, it really could not have gone better but even so, you have to let your wife feel what she feels. I tried to think what I would do if my wife told me she wanted to wear boxers and a fake beard and mustache. I would not have been as kind as she was to me. We cross dressers have years to get used to ourselves, our wives get all in one minute. Talk and talk often. Direct her to this site as others have suggested to get "all" perspectives. We can only hope for acceptance but can not demand it. Let her set the ground rules for what she can handle. If that is zero participation, then that's what it is, but keep talking. She can reach out to many here for opinion. Good luck

[Sue101]

Casey



You need to steer your wife away from that site immediately. It is not a support site at all, it is a divorce advocacy site where a small number of women who divorced their husbands years ago still gripe about it to this day. Talk about having a chip on their shoulders.

There is only one story line allowed - crossdressers are devaints and homosexuals, their dressing is guaranteed to quickly escalate until they become transsexual and desiring sex with men. Anyone who tries to be supportive is immediately asked to leave.

The whole purpose the site exists is for vindictive women to provide validation to feelings of hate and disgust and recommend divorce as soon as practical. They advise wives to snoop on their husbands and gather evidence for the divorce hearings.

If your wife is getting advice from that site she will quickly come to believe that she is married to a monster and your relationship is in peril.

You need to talk to her and point out that that site only supports negative emotions. If she does not believe you then ask her to speak to a therapist who will definitely tell her to stay clear of it.

[sometimes_miss]

After I came out to my wife, she joined some support groups. It was a mixed experience; some of the wives were positive, and some were negative. My wife referred to a lot of the discussion when we went to our therapist. My wife was easily influenced by the women on the support groups; it turned out badly. So there's no way to know which way things will go. I wish you the best of luck. You're going to need it.

[Casey]

First I want to thank those of you who have reached out to me. I appreciate it more than you can know.

Things have gotten a little better as both my SO and I are in councelling. That is not to say they are going well.
My SO is being very hard line that I quit cold-turkey(thank you very much crossdresserswives.com) and never dress in the house again - she is petrified that one of our sons will see me. While I can understand her apprehension, I have explained to her that while I have, with her permission, worn panties 24/7 for the past year or so, I have never dressed beyond that with anyone else in the house and have no desire to do so.
She is also convinced( thanks again to the above mentioned website) that there has to be more to my dressing than the fact that I enjoy it and it helps releave stress. According to her "support group", this is just not possible. In an effort to try and understand her point of view, I went to the forum hse has been posting to and saw where she was encouraging the SO of another CD'er to not marry him beacuse he dresses. No "you should both get councelling", no " work with him to find out if it is something you can deal with" nothing like that, Just don't marry him and you will find someone else.

Needless to say, I am a bit on edge. I have also found that being forced to go cold-turkey has focussed me on my dressing or lack there of like a laser and what was a managable compulsion has now beciome hard to manage. I get to see my counselor this afternoon, thank God.

Thanks you all for your support.

Casey

PS. To my original question about crosssdressersives.com, I have personally found them to be a group of VERY angry women who seem bent on protecting their right to be angry and for a very long time. There are many on that site that have been hurt very badly and have had a lot of stuff to deal with and I cannot and will not deny them that. I just don't know what to do about their lumping me in with the men who did those terrible things to them and trying to convince my lovely wife that I have no choice but to eventually become just as depraved as the men they hate.

[betty1253]

Needless to say, I am a bit on edge. I have also found that being forced to go cold-turkey has focussed me on my dressing or lack there of like a laser and what was a managable compulsion has now beciome hard to manage. I get to see my counselor this afternoon, thank God.



Casey,
Sorry to hear about your problems. I understand your reaction for, after all, the forbidden fruit is the sweetest.
I don't even care to visit the site your talking about. What is her counselor telling her? I hope its better than what a group of CD bashers on the web is saying.
Can you encourage her to listen to the counselor and abandon this so called "support group."
Betty

[Stephanie47]

It does not sound like counseling, if all that's going on is trying to make you quit being yourself cold turkey. If you are agreeing to dress only when nobody is home, not being seen in public, etc, that would be a compromise. However, what I envision for you is your wife NEVER getting over the fact that you are (or were) a cross dresser. If you are not engaging in self destructive behavior, ignoring your family obligations or otherwise being her definition of a man, where's the compromise?

I dress for stress relief. I am an at home cross dresser and NEVER dress in front of my wife. If she were to say I had to stop being who I am cold turkey, then that would be a deal breaker even after four decades of marriage.

Again, I suspect even if you stopped expressing your feminine side, she will always have lingering negative thoughts of you.

[DonnaT]

If she were to say I had to stop being who I am cold turkey, then that would be a deal breaker even after four decades of marriage.
Just don't be the one to break the deal.

Over the years my wife kept trying to get me to stop, and I finally told her I could never stop, that I had tried, but it wasn't happening. I then told her that no matter what, I would always love her even if she decided to leave.

This put the leaving on her. We are still together. YMMV.

[Crysten]

Well....after several years of not really communicating with me, out of the blue my wife tell me she wants a divorce. Nice huh. Never tried to work on things, never let me know what was wrong, nothing. Just - "I'm out of here". Now that she has let me know a little of what's been going on with her, these are mostly issues that could have been easily addressed - 4 or 5 years ago. Now that I know what the problems are, and I can sort of work on them - I'm not being given the chance because she's already made up her mind on leaving. What a bunch of crap.

[J'lyn GG]

Wow, Casey, did you happen to read any of the posts from J. That is me. I don't think I have EVER lumped all cders in one category. So, your wife is reading what she wants to read. You seem to be as well. Like I said, that website is a place where she can go to vent and NOONE will fault her for it. She NEEDS it. VERY BADLY. All you're doing is pushing her there, imo. I went there in the beginning and would settle for nothing less than hubby quitting cold turkey. (in my mind, he owed me that. Technically he still does, but see where that got me. In my mind, he made that choice when he decided to marry me and have 4 kids with me without telling me this little tidbit of info) Anyway, I now know that won't happen. I know who my husband is and I know what he is and is not capable of doing. He is an open book to me. I know all of his passwords, I KNOW that he isn't dressing right now, because he said so. I believe him. Don't get me wrong, I still have second thoughts that go thru my head, but I don't voice them. How long ago was it that I went to that site in the position your wife is in? 8 months ago. Yes, 8 months. So, settle in. Hopefully, counseling will do for you two, what it did for us. Good luck.

PS, I would appreciate NOT being lumped in with all the women there. We are all different, just like you are different from their husbands. And they have EVERY right to be VERY angry. Their worlds have been turned upside down by a man who professed his undying love to them. Please, please do not trivialize that.

[NicoleScott]

I agreed to go to counseling with my now-ex-wife. Her obective was to get me to quit crossdressing, and mine was to get her to accept. Not having common goals for counseling doomed us, and the counselors (who didn't have a clue about such things), to failure. I think for it to work, you both must be able to answer the question: why are we in counseling?

[ReineD]

Casey, when some women find out, they can and do understand the concept. They might be angry about having been lied to and they might wonder what else their husbands are lying about, but fundamentally the CDing concept in itself doesn't freak them out. Other women just can't get past it. The idea of a man in a dress repulses them. And then there are all the women who fall at various places in between.

I don't know why women react differently. It could be religious beliefs or something else from their backgrounds, like having been raised in a conservative environment. It could be some women are more sexually flexible than others. There could be a million and one personality differences that might account for one woman being pragmatic about it, while another cannot. Some people trust easily while others are naturally suspicious. Age might be a factor, or whether it is a first relationship or a second, how old the kids are, or where they live. It could have something to do with the woman's level of self-confidence or self-esteem, or whether she is depressed. I can't list all the variables. Another huge consideration is the overall health of the marriage. If there are other issues that have nothing to do with the CDing like broken trust, a lack of respect, poor communication skills, or the presence of codependent patterns, this will have a huge impact too.

I'm not describing a better or worse way of being, just acknowledging that for some women, in some situations, the CDing is a bitter pill to swallow while for others, it is not and they come to understand it much more easily.

Your wife presently falls in the category of women who have a strong distaste for the CDing, and she would be just as displeased even if she hadn't found crossdresserwives.com . People tend to stick around in places where they get the feedback they seek. There is nothing wrong with this, most of us are built this way. If I don't like Chinese food, I won't go to a Chinese restaurant. Conversely, if the only thing I like is Italian food, I will only eat at Italian restaurants.

I'm just saying, don't place all the blame for your wife's attitude on the site your wife is currently visiting. She needs to take responsibility for her own feelings.

Another very natural thing to do, and I'm guilty of having done this big time, is to read a lot of negative stuff and believe it all since it confirms that all our fears must be true. When I first joined this forum I read all the posts from the CDers who said they wanted to be with men, or who enjoyed masturbating when dressed far more than they liked being with their wives, or who said they would transition in a flash if they could, and I became convinced they were describing the path my boyfriend was going to take, even if he didn't know it yet. :p I didn't pay as much attention to the posts from the CDers who didn't feel this way. So, even though my bf kept assuring me that none of what I was reading was true for him and on the surface I did believe him, still in the very back of my brain there was this impending sense of doom ready to flare up at any time. It took a long time for me to understand the CDing enough from my own perspective to banish those fears, time and enough exposure to the CDing for me to stop fearing the 'huge white elephant of the unknown'. My bf told me he came here at one point and asked in the GM section how he could convince me he wasn't going to transition. :p

I hope the marital counseling will be helpful in at least getting your wife to understand you are neither sick nor a pervert. I have some ideas about what you might tell your wife, but since you are seeing a counselor it's best to just go with whatever he or she suggests.

Also, do keep coming back to this site so that you can do your own venting. You need this too.

It's a pity it has come to this. :sad:

[J'lyn GG]

I agreed to go to counseling with my now-ex-wife. Her obective was to get me to quit crossdressing, and mine was to get her to accept. Not having common goals for counseling doomed us, and the counselors (who didn't have a clue about such things), to failure. I think for it to work, you both must be able to answer the question: why are we in counseling?

I agree. When we started counseling, my goal was not to get him to quit, his goal was not to get me to accept, (although, I'm sure this is what got us there) when asked, our ultimate goal was to save our marriage and to do what was necessary to do so. I've had to do hard things and he's had to do hard things. But we were working towards the same goal.

[kristinacd55]

I was just on that site you mentioned, it doesn't really have anywhere that the cd's/tg's can participate at all. So talk about being one sided! Sort of a North Korea for cd wives. Just my :2c:

[J'lyn GG]

I was just on that site you mentioned, it doesn't really have anywhere that the cd's/tg's can participate at all. So talk about being one sided! Sort of a North Korea for cd wives. Just my :2c:

I will say this again. That site is for WIVES ONLY. It is the only place (i think) that is ALL about the wives. If I had come here in the beginning, y'all would have shot me. I needed a place to rant, rave, vent, scream. I couldn't do that here. I didnt want to post here, I didn't want help at that time, I wanted a place I could say what a jerk hubby was and they would commiserate with me.

[Casey]

Thank you Crace Anne for your comment. This is very difficult for both my wife and me. She is having a very hard time with my disclosure. Fortunately, our coulselors are both very good and I think we have a the common goal of saving our marriage. I am very afraid of losing Casey in the process but my wife and our family are the most important parts of my life.
As for the site I asked about, you are correct. It is for her and not for me. When I started this thread, I was in serious panic mode and very afraid of losing everything important in my life.

Unfortunatley, I let my wife know that I had been to the site and read the forum and she now feels she has one less outlet to vent her feelings. I am going to encourage her to continue to use the site and I have no plans to go back. As I said, it is for her and not for me and as much as she needs to vent, at this point in time, it is the last place I need to be. I have my own issues to deal with and I hope I can continue to count on the wonderful people in this forum for support.

Casey.

[DanielleLee]

It's quite simple Casey.... It's as GraceAnn stated above... that site is for wives... period. CDs do not belong on the site... their wives do. It's a resource or place that women can go to, to share AND vent their feelings about their respective husbands' crossdressing, with other WOMEN. The founder and wives of the site do not want the opinions of crossdressers on their website and that's okay.

I looked at several of the posts and yeah for the most part, the majority of those wives are very angry and feel betrayed by their husband's actions. Can you blame some of them? Many of the stories or posts tell about how the wives are being made to feel like $hit, either by their husbands or by sub-par counselors, for not accepting their CDing husbands. Ya know, if I were in their shoes and I was being told that my feelings were secondary to my husband's feelings & needs... I might be a wee bit pisst and be needing to vent too. I wonder if there is an app for that... nope, but there is a website.

I think you're a good husband and made a wise decision to stay out of that domain. I think by giving her space and the opprotunity to take this all in and wrap her head around it, in private from you... that may work out better for you in the long run. In your shoes, I would suggest our website as a resource and the FAB section of the forum to your wife... There are two sides to every story. You wife should hear the good along with the bad aspects of crossdressing.

Best of luck.

DL

[Sue101]

My SO is being very hard line that I quit cold-turkey(thank you very much crossdresserswives.com) and never dress in the house again - she is petrified that one of our sons will see me. Unfortunately predictable. She went to the site to have her negative feelings validated, now compromising and toleration would seem like a crazy idea to her hence the request (ultimatum?) for you to go cold turkey.

The bit about the children, while a valid concern, is something which could be easily addressed with simple ground rules. Hiding behind the kids is really just an attempt to lay a guilt trap to force you to quit altogether.


I am going to encourage her to continue to use the site and I have no plans to go back. I think that is a major mistake. There is a big difference between having a place to vent and going to a place that paints the worst possible nightmare scenerio and feeds her darkest fears. If she is asking you to go cold turkey the very least you could ask in return that she find another place that does not validate feelings of hate and disgust. The chances of having success in counciling is markedly lower is she continues to visit there. The "wisdom" of other crossdresser wives will be more important to her than third party councilors who "do not understand what it feels like"

[ReineD]

Unfortunatley, I let my wife know that I had been to the site and read the forum and she now feels she has one less outlet to vent her feelings. I am going to encourage her to continue to use the site and I have no plans to go back. As I said, it is for her and not for me and as much as she needs to vent, at this point in time, it is the last place I need to be. I have my own issues to deal with and I hope I can continue to count on the wonderful people in this forum for support.

That's a good plan! :)

You can also tell your wife about the FAB forum here. Although the two of you would both be members of cd.com, there is no way you can ever visit what she posts in FAB so she can post at will without feeling that she needs to edit herself. And there's a sisterhood in there, so nothing that she says will ever be repeated.

She can also vent in FAB as much as she wants. LOL. This is why it was formed .. as a place for the wives to vent, where they will not be judged. We've had our fair share of wives whose husbands were not willing to compromise at all (I'm not saying this is your situation) and no one has ever put the wives down for feeling the way they did. The big difference though is, the women who join here seem to have less of an agenda than the women I've known at crossdresserwives.com.

That said, your wife will gravitate towards the group who says the things that she wants to hear and there is nothing you can do other than to continue doing everything you're doing now, which is to be understanding of her feelings and to continue working towards saving your marriage, without compromising yourself completely.

Good luck! :hugs:

[Eryn]

I went there in the beginning and would settle for nothing less than hubby quitting cold turkey. (in my mind, he owed me that. Technically he still does, but see where that got me. In my mind, he made that choice when he decided to marry me and have 4 kids with me without telling me this little tidbit of info)

Wow, your post might have just described me except for the number of children.

When we were married 20 years ago I knew I was different in that I liked feminine items. I had no idea of what crossdressing was. I thought that my interests were a perversion and I stuffed them deeply in the closet. I didn't tell my wife prior to marriage because I figured that married life would make the interests go away.

Well, they didn't go away. Now what? Tell my wife that she married someone who considered himself a pervert or just keep it stuffed in a closet? Obviously the latter was the best course if I didn't want to hurt the woman I dearly love.

Two decades go by. Life gets more challenging and stress builds. The Internet brings information to my fingertips. I still didn't research my interests because I still considered them perverse.

Finally, things come to a head. I know that I'm headed to a bad place psychologically if I don't do something so I screw up my courage and start researching my interests.

Turns out, I'm not a pervert. I'm a normal person who happens to have an interest shared with thousands of other people. It's not an interest embraced by the majority of society, but it isn't destructive or illegal. Considered logically, it's a bit silly, really, like the people who dress up as Civil War soldiers. Still, the interest remains.

Learning this helped me to finally get the courage to talk with my wife. The conversation was difficult, as she hadn't done the research that I had. I pointed her at this forum and some other sites and gave her time to catch up. She probably happened upon the crossdresserswives site, but she's a very intelligent lady and takes everything she sees on the 'net with a grain of salt. She took in all of the information available and drew her own conclusions.

I was fearful during this time, thinking how I had probably thrown 20 years of marriage down the drain. I turns out that I didn't know my wife as well as I should have.

Judging from other stories I have read I am a very lucky person. My wife understood that it was impossible for me to tell her that I was a crossdresser before our marriage because at that time I didn't even understand what crossdressing was. She didn't think I "owed" her anything and didn't feel the need to punish me. She truly wanted to help me understand myself and to keep building upon our 20 years together.

Our marriage is much happier since I told her. I don't have the opportunity to dress very much, but the fact that I may do so if I wish makes me feel better. She gets a husband who no longer hates himself for an imagined perversion and who no longer feels the need to sneak around. I don't need to know all of her passwords and she doesn't need to know mine because we respect each other's privacy and don't have anything to watch out for.

Eryn

[RebeccaJ]

Firstly, I told my wife shortly after we started dating and have never lied or hidden from her. She does not completely understand and trys her best to support me. Last year things came to a head after a long hiberation. We had many long talks and I looked for sites for wives to get information. I sent her to CDwives as it was strictly for wives.

She read a bunch of the posts and posted that she was looking for support to understand me and that many people seemed bitter (I think she used the term bitchy). She was basically told to go away although I guess some people did e-mail her privately indicating they were also looking for a way to support and understand their SO's. Bottom line my wife never went back to the site.

With that said, I actually understand some of the feelings the SO's have stated on that site. In many cases their SO's have lied, been abusive, cheated, etc. As such I think much of the anger stems from other things around the CDng but the dressing is icing on the cake. They have had their view of life shattered. To be honest I feel bad for them and I would never want my wife to feel like some of the woman on that site. Lastly I think we have to respect our SO's right to vent.....even if I would prefer my wife vent to me....in a forum they feel comfortable doing so.

[Casey]

Not sure if it is a good thing or a bad thing... I got home from a business trip today and discovered that every post I have ever made to this forum was in the history for earlier today. I guess my SO knows my id and password... Actually I think I told her what they were after I told her about my dressing. Anyway, I had told my SO pretty much everything and I guess now she has some of the specific details.
I had hoped my wife would come here read some of the posts to balance the information she is getting from the other site. I guess time will tell.

Reine, I hope you don't mind if I repeat your post about the FAB site. Maybe my SO will take your advice. Thanks to all fo you for your support.

That's a good plan!

You can also tell your wife about the FAB forum here. Although the two of you would both be members of cd.com, there is no way you can ever visit what she posts in FAB so she can post at will without feeling that she needs to edit herself. And there's a sisterhood in there, so nothing that she says will ever be repeated.

She can also vent in FAB as much as she wants. LOL. This is why it was formed .. as a place for the wives to vent, where they will not be judged. We've had our fair share of wives whose husbands were not willing to compromise at all (I'm not saying this is your situation) and no one has ever put the wives down for feeling the way they did. The big difference though is, the women who join here seem to have less of an agenda than the women I've known at crossdresserwives.com.

That said, your wife will gravitate towards the group who says the things that she wants to hear and there is nothing you can do other than to continue doing everything you're doing now, which is to be understanding of her feelings and to continue working towards saving your marriage, without compromising yourself completely.

Good luck!