After counselling - what the heck is going on in my brain?

[Jay Cee]

As I mentioned a few days ago, I had seen a counsellor regarding my gender issues a few days ago. It was a pretty good talk, but the psychological aftermath is a bit of a downer. My ability to ignore or mostly subdue my negative feelings about being male has taken a hit. The sight of pretty much any hair on my body has become very disturbing. I feel.. I dunno... more female? More girly? I feel like I am much more likely to transition now than I did a week ago.

Is it just the fact that I finally opened up to someone (besides my gf) that released a floodgate? Anyone had a similar experience?

[sandra-leigh]

It was more or less theory before: now you've been to visit a counselor and suddenly it becomes possible (if you are willing to live with the consequences.) Of course a bunch of emotions are going to bounce through your head, anywhere from "Get me started NOW!" to "What could I possibly have been thinking 20 minutes ago?!? I feel like a freak and what I really want is for these girly feelings to go away! I'm going to go throw everything out!!"

Having something you want seem impossible is stressful and wearing and depressing, but then to have the reality of it being possible suddenly in front of you and mood swings are all too likely.

[Kittykitty]

You are experiencing the common symptoms of GID.

There's a lot you can suddenly come to terms with through therapy. Our minds and memories are far more vast and deep than we give them credit for. Once your mind puts together that it doesn't HAVE to feel the discomfort of a male body, it may react to male things much like poison. Just my 2 cents, YMMV.

Congrats on taking the first step. Be open with your therapist, they are there to help you. Tell them exactly what you told us. if you keep a gender journal to write in during the week (just quick thoughts or whatever) your subconscious mind will notice that you are paying attention to it, and will allow even more to come through.

[Margot]

It seems like you have let the genie out of the bottle by talking to your thereapist and your mind is wanting to move to the next step. This is probably why all things male seem abhorent to you right now. I guess it's like the "pink fog" that we talk about. Your mind has been released with excitement and anticipation.

[AnnaCalliope]

Welcome to the highs and lows of being transgendered. Unfortunately, until you really figure out where you sit on the spectrum, some days you'll want to shave off all your body hair, wear nothing but pink and listen to Madonna. Others will be polar opposite, where you'll spend all day in men's clothing, drinking beer and watching sports and being highly tempted to toss out all that girly crap taking up space in your closet. It can take years before you find balance between male and female life, if you decide being a CD is good enough. For some of us, we need the whole experience and decide to transition. When you're able to blend your male and female life, likes and dislikes, and beliefs into one cohesive existence, then you know you are truly ready to begin the path to your real gender.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Is it just the fact that I finally opened up to someone (besides my gf) that released a floodgate? Anyone had a similar experience?

yes it's very common...it's why they use the cliches that the bell is rung, the horse leaves the barn etc... i can't say why exactly but it seems that once you start focusing on reality (as sandra points out) everything gets amped up..whether you are looking at it as negative feelings about your current status, or body image, or transition needs its all different versions of the same thing...your defenses start coming down and all the old coping skills don't work anymore...when is your next appt?

[Jay Cee]

yes it's very common...it's why they use the cliches that the bell is rung, the horse leaves the barn etc... i can't say why exactly but it seems that once you start focusing on reality (as sandra points out) everything gets amped up..whether you are looking at it as negative feelings about your current status, or body image, or transition needs its all different versions of the same thing...your defenses start coming down and all the old coping skills don't work anymore...when is your next appt?

I've got another appointment booked for two weeks from now. The statement she made at the end of my last appointment was along the lines of "This should be a place where you can be comfortable being who you are, and wearing what you want." An open ended challenge to wear something more feminine than nail polish, I'm guessing.


Welcome to the highs and lows of being transgendered. Unfortunately, until you really figure out where you sit on the spectrum, some days you'll want to shave off all your body hair, wear nothing but pink and listen to Madonna. Others will be polar opposite, where you'll spend all day in men's clothing, drinking beer and watching sports and being highly tempted to toss out all that girly crap taking up space in your closet. It can take years before you find balance between male and female life, if you decide being a CD is good enough. For some of us, we need the whole experience and decide to transition. When you're able to blend your male and female life, likes and dislikes, and beliefs into one cohesive existence, then you know you are truly ready to begin the path to your real gender.

Believe it or not, I haven't been tempted to toss out my women's clothes since I started this with any regularity. Well, other than the really bad / ugly purchases. :) Not a sports fan, and haven't drank for years. But I do see where you are coming from, AnnaMarie - some days, the girl in me is left on the sidelines.

[Rianna Humble]

The statement she made at the end of my last appointment was along the lines of "This should be a place where you can be comfortable being who you are, and wearing what you want." An open ended challenge to wear something more feminine than nail polish, I'm guessing.

If I am right, then the operative words are "what you want" which would make it less of a challenge and more of an invitation. Your therapist wants you to find your comfort level.

[Aprilrain]

some days, the girl in me is left on the sidelines.

That is when I feel like cashing in my chips :( because i just feel like a shell, there is no male to go back to.

[sandra-leigh]

It is an invitation to trust the therapist with "the real you". I have seen people here indicate that they talk about different things and process emotions differently when they are dressed up.

I have also seen a number of people here indicate that the therapist is the very first person and place outside the home that had ever seen them dressed up. Some people are not ready for that step for months or even 1 1/2 years -- but it is a step that must be faced by anyone who is thinking that they might transition. Better to get accustomed to interacting with other people in a safe environment before stepping out.

Jay, the Masquerade meeting is the second Tuesday of each month; if your schedule permits, please visit us, with or without your girlfriend. If you want, you can change on the premises.

Also, Zealous does Transformations. And I have some wigs you could try. Not trying to rush you -- just letting you know that these things are there when you are ready.

[Hope]

It sounds like you just opened pandora's box.

Welcome to the jungle. It's a nice jungle. Lots of pink flowers, no spiders. Friendly cats.

There was exactly 1 thing that kept me from transitioning in college - or in seminary, or honestly at any time after I left home for good: Belief that I could do it.

Once I realized that I COULD do this - there has been no turning back. It didn't happen overnight - there were a lot of stages, and I treated each of them as a different level of experimentation, believing I could "go back" if I decided I didn't like it. But I have never disliked it. I have never gone back.

There was a time where I was sure I couldn't do this, and so I didn't try. There was a time where I thought maybe I could, and I tried. Now that I know that I can - the thing I believe I can't do is go back.

[Rianna Humble]

Better to get accustomed to interacting with other people in a safe environment before stepping out.

So that's what I did wrong! :heehee:

[Jay Cee]

It is an invitation to trust the therapist with "the real you". I have seen people here indicate that they talk about different things and process emotions differently when they are dressed up.

I have also seen a number of people here indicate that the therapist is the very first person and place outside the home that had ever seen them dressed up. Some people are not ready for that step for months or even 1 1/2 years -- but it is a step that must be faced by anyone who is thinking that they might transition. Better to get accustomed to interacting with other people in a safe environment before stepping out.

Jay, the Masquerade meeting is the second Tuesday of each month; if your schedule permits, please visit us, with or without your girlfriend. If you want, you can change on the premises.

Also, Zealous does Transformations. And I have some wigs you could try. Not trying to rush you -- just letting you know that these things are there when you are ready.



I do need to get myself to a meeting. I'm feeling a bit lonely in this. The support I have received here has been fantastic, but I think I need to talk to people face to face sometimes.

That makes sense that someone who is TG would feel and act differently dressed - I know I am much more emotionally comfortable in my girly pj's than in my work clothes. Physically comfortable, too, I suppose. :)

I asked about makeup lessons at Zealous, but no one was available at that time. I will see when I go back for my first full electrolysis appointment.

Thank you for the offer regarding the wigs, Sandra. I might take you up on that, just to see a new look (I have one hanging in my closet, collecting dust :( )


Welcome to the jungle. It's a nice jungle. Lots of pink flowers, no spiders. Friendly cats.

Friendly cats? I like the sound of that. :)


Thanks to you all for your words of wisdom and your kindness. I really, really appreciate it. :hugs:

[ReineD]

Congratulations on your progress, Jay Cee! :)




There was a time where I was sure I couldn't do this, and so I didn't try. There was a time where I thought maybe I could, and I tried. Now that I know that I can - the thing I believe I can't do is go back.

Hope, now that you have the benefit of hindsight, when you look back do you see yourself as always having been transsexual except you weren't ready to realize it, or did you identify as a male initially, then a male CD with a nebulous vision of the future, or is there another way to describe your coming of age, so to speak?

Just curious.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

reine...the way you asked your question i just have to chime in..that's EXACTLY how i felt...i felt like i simply couldn't understand why i was male,,not that i was a woman...

i think this little coping decision i made as a little kid still haunts me sometimes because even post transition, i have trouble sometimes embracing everything i've accomplished in transitioning..

pragmatically i'd rather be a woman and feel like a fraud sometimes, than be a man and feel like a fraud all the time..hehe

[Aprilrain]

pragmatically i'd rather be a woman and feel like a fraud sometimes, than be a man and feel like a fraud all the time..hehe

You took the words out of my head!

[ReineD]

I wouldn't classify any TS as being a fraudulent woman, even if it is only sometimes. :hugs: