A follow up from yesterday

[Heather64]

I want to thank you for making me feel welcome and I know the first intro was a little sketchy.
I have left out some details as I do not want to identify my partner until he is ready. He is worried I may make him sound like a selfish bas---d.
I should say that he told me of his liking for female clothing one afternoon.
He was uncomfortable but did tell me (too much probably) rather than me finding out.
He does suffer from depression and this has been a factor I believe.
The part that I find particularly difficult is my place in this fantasy world of his.
I have persevered with not saying too much about his dressing hoping that it was all just a phase that he would get over. I now wonder where it will all end.
Having had no preparation for this sort of thing I need advice on so many things related to how to cope with a partner who has had a secret life all the time we have been together.
Heather

[Eryn]

Heather, thank you so much for joining us here. I hope that we can help you discover some of the answers you seek.

You will need quite a bit of time to sort all of this out. Don't rush things. It's quite a large concept to drop on someone all at once. It is good that at least you have us here on the forum to discuss the issues with.

The question where it will all end will remain a mystery. It is very likely that your partner doesn't know exactly where she wants to go. Sometimes the journey, and who is shared with, are more important than the destination. I can pretty much assure you that it isn't a "phase" and it won't go away.

I think that the most important thing at your stage is to keep communication open. Silence is relationship poison. You'll likely do a lot of talking and it's possible that both of you will shed tears. After you learn a bit more about each other (and it is as important for your partner to understand your feelings as it is for you to understand his) things will get better.

Once you get 10 posts in please look into joining the FAB forum. The GGs there have walked your path and will likely have insights that CDers lack. I know that it was very helpful to my SO.

Again, thanks for joining us and I wish you and your partner the best!

Eryn

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Heather,

You have already demonstrated that you are a wonderful and caring person by being willing to sign up to these forums and seek information and support. I do not know any simple answers to the questions you are asking yourself at the moment but would like to make a few suggestions:

Your place in his "fantasy world" is something that may vary as you begin to understand a little more about cross-dressers.

It is a natural reaction to hope that it will all go away, but if that had been a real possibility I don't think your husband would have mentioned it to you. However, silence is not going to help you. In my opinion you need to sit down and talk to your husband about your feelings and he needs to listen to your feelings without trying to do what a lot of men want to do - win the argument. If you can start this kind of profound communication together, you will almost definitely be able to find common ground.

Whilst it is natural for you to feel hurt and dismayed about him having hidden part of his life from you, it is also true that he will probably have feelings of guilt and shame about this too, it's just that he has had longer to come to terms with it.

The essential thing, which I think you already know is it's not all about him or all about you, it's all about both of you as a couple.

[Danni Renee]

Heather, welcome to the site. My GG SO and me are members here (her member name is Deana [heart] Danni). We read and post on this forum together so we can both learn about my dressing and how to adjust to the new reality. It is sort of fun for us to surf the site together and make comments together on various posts. I hope you can find that same happiness with your SO. I was a little hesitant at first myself to appear with my SO on the site but we talked about it and we finally just decided to do it. I hope you and your SO can do the same.

Danni

[Deana ♥ Danni]

Hi Heather,

Welcome :) I am Deana a GG, and I am also Danni Renee's girlfriend :) I love being able to come here with Danni for support. This site is a really GREAT place to come to, whether you are needing advice or wanting to vent. Everyone that I have had the pleasure of meeting so far are so sweet and helpful :) I think it is awesome that your partner was able to come out and tell you instead of you finding out :) I agree with Eryn, I don't think you will ever know where it will end, the important thing is that you take each day TOGETHER. Just love your partner for who they are ♥ If you want to talk and if I can help anymore just let me know :)

~Deana

[eluuzion]

hiya Heather ~

I admire your willingness to stick around when you have no idea what you are going to find. I guess life is pretty much that way in general, eh?

Well, I think you might want to consider expanding your perspective on the "is it a phase" question...
As far as I can tell...it is not a phase, it is a maze. lol

hope you and your SO find the place where you both feel happy.:hugs:
:love:

[Stephenie S]

Dear Heather,

Welcome.

Remember that we get NO guarantees in this world. Life is fleeting and over far quicker than we want.

Live and love to the best of your ability. That's all you can do.

Stephie

[Stephanie Michelle]

Hi Heather,

Welcome,

I am sure its a lot to process right now. Just keep the communications open and realize its tough for both of you. I am sort of going through the same thing with a girl that I have been dating for about 10 months. Told her a few months ago and she freaked. We have talked a couple of times a briefly since then but haven't gotten much accomplished. Also I wouldn't call it a fantasy. It is very real and most likely here to stay.

I think if you can handle this and be a part of this for him that it will open a while new part of the relationship for you two.

Good Luck,

Stephanie Michelle

[Kate Simmons]

Welcome to the Forum Heather. Any questions you have just ask. We may not have all of the answers as everyone's situation and experience is a bit varied but we can help to maybe demystify the whole thing for you. Many of us have taken years to get to the levels of understanding we have now.:)

[Jenniferathome]

Heather, he is not unique. All of us cross dressers have hidden this part of us for years. Coming out with the risk of losing the one you love helps us justify the lying about it. I came out to my wife only a few months ago, after 20+ years a marriage. This is not a phase by the way and I highly recommend talking about this frequently. You have a right to ask absolutely anything. In my case, my wife was suspicious for several years but didn't want to "push me over the edge." The "edge" was either transsexualism or homosexuality. When I came out to her, her first two questions were: are you gay and/or do you want to be woman? In my case neither but she was right to ask and talking about it made both of us feel better. So, start talking about his cross dressing. It will not stop. You need to set whatever boundary conditions are comfortable for you. Good luck.

[sterling12]

About The "Is It A Phase" Question? Probably not. To please, or placate you, your BF may "abstain" from wearing femme clothing, but The Longing, The Desire, The NEED, seldom goes completely away. Inside The Brain resides much of our personality, and I'm betting that there is a definite Female Persona that resides in your BF's Brain.

In other words, it's a part of him/her. If you force The Issue, you will probably end up with a deeply depressed, neurotic, and very unhappy person. All of those traits that you like in your Partner may be traits that his femme-self possesses. So, it might be just like "throwing The Baby out with The Bathwater!" It's hard not to try and "adjust" The Other Person. I pray that you can refrain from doing that.

Here's A Novel Idea. Just Cool it! Don't discuss with your Girlfriends, or Sister, or Mom. Just wait, see if this person (And, I do mean this TOTAL Person) is The Desire of your life. If that turns out to be true, then you have Love, and everything else is non-important! Love, can and does trump just about anything. There will be compromises ahead for both of you, but you can PM with many, many, GG's on This Form who have already gone through this stuff. They can help you a lot, and they always seem to be able to even-handedly address a problem.

Remember, he thought enough of you to let you know his secret. That counts for a great deal!

Peace and Love, Joanie