Danni Renee
05-17-2011, 07:26 AM
I decided today to share my story of how I came out to my SO. I am not sure there will be any lessons to learn from my experience but I hope it might help others understand another perspective.
Now a couple of things you should know about me and my SO at the beginning. Even though we have been dating for almost two years, we have a history before that. We were high school sweethearts and we were each other’s “first”. We were engaged to be married but fate had other plans. Later in life we both went through a rough lonely period about the same time and we went looking for each other. We reconnected through Classmates and we both knew the moment we saw each other that we were getting back together.
I HAD NO PLAN TO EVER COME OUT TO MY SO. I was not a member of the forum and was still in denial about myself. My SO is a devout Catholic and I was certain if she ever found out that I dressed our relationship would end. I had no plan, or scheme, or even an idea that I would tell her when we started our discussion that day – it just sort of happened.
All through the time we dated in high school, I was dressing. Not often as my work and school schedule did not permit it but I did dress when I could. I continued to dress when I got married to another woman but again I kept it hidden. Before I moved to Korea I started dressing more and more but even then it was only twice a month.
Coming to Korea alone, I had my first opportunity to truly be myself. I started off slow with my old clothes and wigs but within two months I had gone completely crazy. I was buying clothes and makeup and everything. I could only wear it a few hours on the weekends because most of my time was spent on video chat with my SO or my kids and I felt I could never let them know. I would clean up before I got on chat with them and except for one time I did not get my mascara off good enough, they were none the wiser.
Then came December. I was planning on traveling back to the States over Christmas and there was a lot of tension between me and my SO about my plans. I cannot remember what exactly I said to her but she came back with this statement: “Why do you always lie to me.” And I told her: “I lie because that is what I do. I lie all the time. I lie to you, I lie to my kids, I lie to my family, and I lie to myself. I live a lie and if I have a choice between telling a lie and telling the truth I will lie first.”
Well, you can imagine how that went over! My SO is not a “hot head” so there was not really a fight. But my SO is inquisitive when she doesn’t understand something and like a shark smelling blood in the water she came at me full throttle. My SO is truly a special woman, but if the Spanish Inquisition ever occurred again, she would hands down win the job of Grand Inquisitor. She can ask the same question a thousand different ways and if you do not answer the same way every time, you are in for it. So slowly and (for me) painfully the next 8 hours were spent with her dragging everything out of me.
I did not tell her up front that I dressed. Her questions focused on why I lie to everyone and what lie specifically I told her. But as time went by she finally wore me down and I confessed it all. I lied to her and everyone because I am not who I want to be. I lie to everyone because I do not want to be who I am; I want to be a female. I want to be a woman, I want to be pregnant, and I want to be a mother. I want long hair and to wear dresses and skirts every day. I told her I have only had one wish for every birthday, every wishing star, and every wishing well: I wished I was a woman.
I was terrified but she took it much better than I did telling her. Her response: “Is that it? You are going to have to do better than that if you want me to leave you.” She thought I was making it up to try to get her to break up with me. I told her for the first time in my life I had told the complete truth. She still doubted me until I started bringing my wardrobe out. Dress after dress, skirt after skirt, and wig after wig I brought out for her “inspection” and she finally realized that for once I was not telling a lie – I really had told her the whole truth. She also instantly connected the dots with the mascara incident.
I tell this story not just to relate how I came out, but to talk about CD and TG individuals lying to their SO. I have read numerous posts from GGs discussing how they could deal with the dressing, but what they could not handle was being lied to and the violation of trust it caused. Although I agree that the violation of trust is a significant issue, I am not sure that we CD and TG individuals even know that we are lying.
I lied to my SO since high school. I lied to myself even longer than that. I did not think at the time that I was lying. I felt I was repressing something that was wrong with me. I did not understand myself. The more time went by I began to question myself more and began to understand myself better. And during that same period, the persona I was outwardly displaying slowly became a lie. It did not happen all at once – it was only analyzing (with the help of my SO’s inquisition) that I truly realized I was lying my whole life.
As I have finally researched and read about being a CD or TG it seems like one of the things we all have in common is not being truthful; not with ourselves and not with others. Through time and observation I became conditioned to not being truthful. When you live a life of lying day after day after day, at some point it becomes your natural way of thinking and permeates everything you do. And I think all CD and TG individuals lie to themselves every day and by extension lie to those around them. I know in the morning the first thing I think about is what do I want to wear today. The answer is not an ugly drab uniform or dress slacks and a tie but that is how we dress and so every day begins with a lie.
I do not believe the dishonesty is a conscious decision. I have read comments from a few GGs and the impression I get is that they feel they were deliberately lied to and I do not necessarily believe that is the case. I think we are so dishonest with ourselves that it automatically extends to our entire life and then once we realize it there is no turning back. Sometimes the lies continue even after we have came out to our SO but again I am not sure that it is deliberate so much as it is how we have conditioned ourselves and we have not made the transition to being as truthful as we should be.
It is hard telling the truth when you live your life as one big lie. My SO told me she accepted me and in return I told her I would not lie to her again. It has been very hard sometimes to tell the truth but she has made it easier by accepting me and loving me for who I am – allowing me to be truthful without fear of ramification. It is still hard for me to tell the truth; technically I still live a lie since I am not who I outwardly portray myself to be. But I am finally honest with one person and her understanding and acceptance is helping undo the years of conditioning I put myself through.
I can only speak for myself and I am not trying to make an excuse for my years of dishonesty nor absolve myself from the guilt of lying. I am not looking to provide excuses for others actions. What I hope I am illuminating is how I (and by extension others) came about living dishonestly in the hope others may better understand the situations we are faced with and open the doors for communication.
Now a couple of things you should know about me and my SO at the beginning. Even though we have been dating for almost two years, we have a history before that. We were high school sweethearts and we were each other’s “first”. We were engaged to be married but fate had other plans. Later in life we both went through a rough lonely period about the same time and we went looking for each other. We reconnected through Classmates and we both knew the moment we saw each other that we were getting back together.
I HAD NO PLAN TO EVER COME OUT TO MY SO. I was not a member of the forum and was still in denial about myself. My SO is a devout Catholic and I was certain if she ever found out that I dressed our relationship would end. I had no plan, or scheme, or even an idea that I would tell her when we started our discussion that day – it just sort of happened.
All through the time we dated in high school, I was dressing. Not often as my work and school schedule did not permit it but I did dress when I could. I continued to dress when I got married to another woman but again I kept it hidden. Before I moved to Korea I started dressing more and more but even then it was only twice a month.
Coming to Korea alone, I had my first opportunity to truly be myself. I started off slow with my old clothes and wigs but within two months I had gone completely crazy. I was buying clothes and makeup and everything. I could only wear it a few hours on the weekends because most of my time was spent on video chat with my SO or my kids and I felt I could never let them know. I would clean up before I got on chat with them and except for one time I did not get my mascara off good enough, they were none the wiser.
Then came December. I was planning on traveling back to the States over Christmas and there was a lot of tension between me and my SO about my plans. I cannot remember what exactly I said to her but she came back with this statement: “Why do you always lie to me.” And I told her: “I lie because that is what I do. I lie all the time. I lie to you, I lie to my kids, I lie to my family, and I lie to myself. I live a lie and if I have a choice between telling a lie and telling the truth I will lie first.”
Well, you can imagine how that went over! My SO is not a “hot head” so there was not really a fight. But my SO is inquisitive when she doesn’t understand something and like a shark smelling blood in the water she came at me full throttle. My SO is truly a special woman, but if the Spanish Inquisition ever occurred again, she would hands down win the job of Grand Inquisitor. She can ask the same question a thousand different ways and if you do not answer the same way every time, you are in for it. So slowly and (for me) painfully the next 8 hours were spent with her dragging everything out of me.
I did not tell her up front that I dressed. Her questions focused on why I lie to everyone and what lie specifically I told her. But as time went by she finally wore me down and I confessed it all. I lied to her and everyone because I am not who I want to be. I lie to everyone because I do not want to be who I am; I want to be a female. I want to be a woman, I want to be pregnant, and I want to be a mother. I want long hair and to wear dresses and skirts every day. I told her I have only had one wish for every birthday, every wishing star, and every wishing well: I wished I was a woman.
I was terrified but she took it much better than I did telling her. Her response: “Is that it? You are going to have to do better than that if you want me to leave you.” She thought I was making it up to try to get her to break up with me. I told her for the first time in my life I had told the complete truth. She still doubted me until I started bringing my wardrobe out. Dress after dress, skirt after skirt, and wig after wig I brought out for her “inspection” and she finally realized that for once I was not telling a lie – I really had told her the whole truth. She also instantly connected the dots with the mascara incident.
I tell this story not just to relate how I came out, but to talk about CD and TG individuals lying to their SO. I have read numerous posts from GGs discussing how they could deal with the dressing, but what they could not handle was being lied to and the violation of trust it caused. Although I agree that the violation of trust is a significant issue, I am not sure that we CD and TG individuals even know that we are lying.
I lied to my SO since high school. I lied to myself even longer than that. I did not think at the time that I was lying. I felt I was repressing something that was wrong with me. I did not understand myself. The more time went by I began to question myself more and began to understand myself better. And during that same period, the persona I was outwardly displaying slowly became a lie. It did not happen all at once – it was only analyzing (with the help of my SO’s inquisition) that I truly realized I was lying my whole life.
As I have finally researched and read about being a CD or TG it seems like one of the things we all have in common is not being truthful; not with ourselves and not with others. Through time and observation I became conditioned to not being truthful. When you live a life of lying day after day after day, at some point it becomes your natural way of thinking and permeates everything you do. And I think all CD and TG individuals lie to themselves every day and by extension lie to those around them. I know in the morning the first thing I think about is what do I want to wear today. The answer is not an ugly drab uniform or dress slacks and a tie but that is how we dress and so every day begins with a lie.
I do not believe the dishonesty is a conscious decision. I have read comments from a few GGs and the impression I get is that they feel they were deliberately lied to and I do not necessarily believe that is the case. I think we are so dishonest with ourselves that it automatically extends to our entire life and then once we realize it there is no turning back. Sometimes the lies continue even after we have came out to our SO but again I am not sure that it is deliberate so much as it is how we have conditioned ourselves and we have not made the transition to being as truthful as we should be.
It is hard telling the truth when you live your life as one big lie. My SO told me she accepted me and in return I told her I would not lie to her again. It has been very hard sometimes to tell the truth but she has made it easier by accepting me and loving me for who I am – allowing me to be truthful without fear of ramification. It is still hard for me to tell the truth; technically I still live a lie since I am not who I outwardly portray myself to be. But I am finally honest with one person and her understanding and acceptance is helping undo the years of conditioning I put myself through.
I can only speak for myself and I am not trying to make an excuse for my years of dishonesty nor absolve myself from the guilt of lying. I am not looking to provide excuses for others actions. What I hope I am illuminating is how I (and by extension others) came about living dishonestly in the hope others may better understand the situations we are faced with and open the doors for communication.