Do Compliments bother you???

[CaitlynRenee]

I was informed recently, rather strongly, that complimenting other members in a positive, NON invitational way was 'bad form'. Apparently it 'just isn't done'.

You see, a couple of people who DO look great when dressed and who have obviously gone to great links to carry their transformation from drab to femme, still have some reservations about the way they look. Apparently this is due to negative responses from people they know.

I made the comments that they looked fantastic and negative comments by others really don't matter.

The negative comments I received by someone who obviously has 'issues', appear to be because they were of the impression that I was 'coming on' to the recipients of my comments. At least it sounded this way to them.

Sorry, nothing could be further from the truth. MY comments were to impart a matter of fact. These individuals I spoke to DO look good en femme and their effort, skill and dedication to passing show.

So, if I have offended, I apologise.

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

Hi Caitlyn Renee:

i see no problem in complimenting a sister who looks attractive and very passable.most girls appreciate the compliments i know i would if i could look that good.
for the record i am a married(abet closeted cd) who is also straight.

[Pythos]

Well, for me do to my back round when someone offers a compliment I more often than not mentally brace for the attack from the flanks or the knife in the back. It is an aspect of my psyche I really loathe. Unfortunately almost on the same breath of a compliiment for something I did well, it is followed by, and usually not by the same person, an insult or other form of unjurous staement, or action.

Now, when I don't get that, and instead just get compliments, I revel in it. I love it when people compliment me on my style. When people recognize the courage I exhibit when instead of baggy jeans I don tight and shiny leggings or disco pants. When I blend male and female looks and a GG finds the look "hot" or "sexi" I am unbelievable filled with pride (for lack of a better term). I like compliments from males too, but I feel a tad uneasy when I get them. I don't want to mislead, and am very honest about my true nature, if not by my actions, then by my voice :P

[Kathryn Philips]

Are you referring to complements pictures/avatars posted in this forum? or in real life? I can see why in real life that would be a problem for many. Not for me, because the changes of anyone seing me in the flesh as Kathryn are negligible (unfortunately). But in this forum, I love being complemented. But I do need a dose of constructive critique as well. Its for my good. It may hurt as first, but it helps me towards my goal of looking totaly credible a woman. I'm my case keep them coming...

[Shelly Preston]

Personally I will take all the compliments I can get

Some here believe you should always be brutally honest but this is a support forum sometimes a nice word can boost peoples confidence

I tend to keep any criticsim private and constructive

[CaitlynRenee]

Since we are all in some ways 'in the same boat', I think constructive critique can definitely be a positive thing. Another person might have seen a different lipstick, color, or hairstyle, etc. that might be just the thing to kick us over the top of believability. On the otherhand, sometimes we do not see with our own eyes just how good we DO look. It's been said that people are generally harder on themselves than they are on others when it comes to performing (passing if you will).

I would consider it much the same as if a bunch of us got together for an old fashioned 'gab fest' while en femme and discussed all the girly things that might be on our mind.

[Alice B]

I think a positive compliment is always in good taste and welcomed by the receiver.

[Anne2345]

Hi Caitlyn! Still being relatively new to the forum, I have also wondered if there is some unwritten "etiquette" concerning compliments. I have given out my fair share of compliments here and there through posts or PMs, which have all been received in a positive manner. I have even received a few compliments myself, which I must admit, have really made me smile and improved my mood! When I joined, it never even occurred to me that I would receive any compliments, or that it would even matter to me if I did. So it came as quite a surprise to me when another member complimented me how much I actually enjoyed it. As a result, my take on it is if you think a compliment is warranted, and the compliment is given in a tasteful manner - go for it! Like you said, we are all pretty much in the same boat here, and anytime we can help another member smile, it's a good thing! :)

[suzy1]

You are dealing with all sorts of people here Caitlyn. You have to make allowances for that.
It’s imposable not to offend someone, that’s just life.
Complimenting someone for the effort they have put into there looks is an important part of a support forum like this.

SUZY

[Rianna Humble]

I think Suzy said what I would have wanted to say about the way that others have reacted to the compliments you have offered. I personally don't subscribe to the brutal honesty school of so-called tough love. If I think someone has made a good effort, I will say so, if I think someone has done well, I will say so. In the sort of threads we are discussing, if I cannot find anything positive to say, I will forever hold my peace.

Going back to your original question, compliments don't bother me because I know that those offering them must be doing it out of kindness.

[Mikaela]

For real life compliments, (ie from guys at a club), I have no interest and I don't like it. I'm not there for them and I don't want the attention.

From people within the community, I tend to think that the concept of support goes a little too far. I've seen people that look like train wrecks get complimented which dilutes the compliment and the opinion of the complimenter. In most cases, they go in one ear and out the other with me.

I also have a problem mentally processing them, so a lot of it is me. It's a recent thing for me as a male and en femme and I don't have the social skills to handle it. I've at least trained myself to say "thanks" in person when it seems sincere.

[Lorileah]

I don't know why but I always see the bad in me and when I get compliments I really don't respond the way I think I should or would like. Usually the best I can muster is a "thank you" but deep down inside I love it. I guess I am more the Gary Cooper "Aw' shucks" type of person.

There should never be a reason for someone to not want to be complimented but some just don't know how to respond.

[Mikaela]

There should never be a reason for someone to not want to be complimented but some just don't know how to respond.

*Esteem issues - Compliments are perceived as false or done under pretense which further establishes the problem.
*Social Anxiety issues - Compliments require an exchange or acknowledgement that is anxiety inducing
*Embarassment - Shyness and attention or unwanted

[Daphne Renee]

I dont have any pictures online. If I did I would certainly not be offended by a genuine compliment. If you have people respond negatively then perhaps they dont think its genuine.

[Melissa Rose]

As long as the compliments seem sincere and respectful, I like receiving them. Who doesn't? Well, maybe someone does. I do not feel it is bad form to give compliments in a respectful manner. Don't stop!

[carhill2mn]

I love to receive sincere compliments! I think that the people who made these comments to you are having some problems of their own.

[kendra_gurl]

Think what life would be like without ever receiving a compliment. By all means be respectful but keep the compliments comming

[sissystephanie]

I am like Shelly P and will take all the compliments I can get. If someone wants to give a negative comment, I will take that also! I am a human, therefore I have some negative points! When I am out in public as a male Stephanie, I often get compilments on my outfits, but rarely get negative comments!! For those who don't me well, when I go out in public as Stephanie I wear no wig and no makeup! That is why I referred to myself as a male Stephanie. My late wife always did my wig and makeup!! I am terrible at both!

[CaitlynRenee]

Thanks to all for the support. I am one who genuinely DOES mean what I say when I compliment someone. I also won't say anything negative about one's efforts to be as femme as they feel the need to be. What I WILL do that may seem negative is, respond sharpely to anyone who is being deliberately cruel to another person. I've seen and lived with enough cruelty as I've travelled the world and don't wish it around me.

Thanks again my friends for the support. You know you all have mine.

[Kerigirl2009]

I guess some people just have to have any reason to bitch. But it is the nature of some people to just be an ass. Sorry but this ticks me off.

The only way I would assume someone is hitting on me or trying to pick me up is if they said "Hey I think your really cute and I would like to take you out sometime"

I am not afraid to say NO either. The nerve of some people. Let them stay under a rock where they cannot be seen.

Keri

Oh BTW I L-O-V-E love compliments
:o:battingeyelashes::)

[Annaliese]

I recently post some pictures of me after losing 30lbs the comments I got were wonderful and I am encourage to loose more wait. The positive comments made me feel great and I thank all who commented on me pictures.

[AvidFan]

I love'em. Just last week a beautiful GG on chatcity thought I was on hormones, made my day

[dawnmarrie1961]

Cathy, There is an old saying that goes kinda like this "You can please some of the people some of the time but you can't please all of the people all of the time." Sometimes a comment posted, or spokencan be missread ,or misspoken, and taken totally out of context. We are only human and are therefore not "perfect". Perhaps we might be more sensitive about negative comments in the forum because we get them while out in the real world and we know how it hurts. But that's reality. Anyone who has lived there knows that you need to have thick skin and not take everything personally. Our skin may be soft but it's thick. The forum is viewed as a safe haven. We are less tolerant of the negative here. Perhaps we should be. Negative comments can sometimes be used as a tool to help us correct ourselves. I quess it all depends on a statements intent. One person's constructive criticism is another persons insult. Thank goodness for our moderators. Too bad we don't have them out there in the "real world". That would be neat.

[Kathi Lake]

Like Pythos, I sometimes wonder if the comments are genuine - especially the 'gushing' ones. If the comments are genuine, then I worry that I am undeserving of them. Sure, call it a self-esteem issue. Call it what you will. I just get a bit uneasy about them. I try to take them with the same grace they were delivered, and appreciate the commenter. Sure, I sometimes wonder if they should be getting their eyes checked, . . .

:)

Like others here, I do this for me. I do it for my own satisfaction. I do it for the sheer bliss that dressing is to me. I don't ever want to be the girl who lives for compliments. I don't want to be the one who dresses for others' pleasure. Believe me, my own pleasure is enough.

:)

Kathi

[NathalieX66]

Love, love, love compliments!:c9:...makes me feel like I'm doing something right.

Gay guys compliment me too!.....not sure it's because I'm more feminine & ladylike in presentation or it's because I'm a guy that has the nerve to go ot dressed in public in a dress (ooh, how daring!) ....I think it's the latter. Gay guys want guys, not women, or any semblance of women. I do it specifically to be me.

[CaitlynRenee]

I'm blessed to have a supporting wife and daughter when it comes to my femme clothing. They know how much I love the feel of soft fabric on my skin. Can't stand rough fabric and can't understand the double standard when it comes to clothing. I've rarely gone out dressed completely, though I have gone out underdressed on way more than one occasion.

I wouldn't know the first thing about makeup application other than lipstick and that only because I use Burt's Bees lip balm on my dry lips. If I were a lot younger and a lot better looking, I might be brave enough to try. Oh to be able to live my life over and make up for all the lost time............. sigh!

I take each day with laughter and a smile, love people because they are people and will accept most everyone on their own merits. My daughter says her G/L/TS/TG/BI friends all like me because I'm nonjudgemental and they don't feel threatened as they might feel at home or on the street. They like my wife for the same reason. They're always welcome in my home and haven't disappointed me yet.

I'm such a lucky girl........... Now if I could only look a bit like my avatar.....:heehee:

[brandi.tgurl]

I don't have a problem with compliments. I agree with a couple of opinions here - first I dress for me. Wearing clothes and make up that I enjoy make me happy, comfortable, at ease, etc. In private, I can compliment myself. Even when sharing myself on here, I compliment myself - by being open and honest with me and others (even if i've never actually met you). however, for me, its not just the internal pleasure i get from dressing - its the whole sensation of emulating the female form and persona. I feel that for many, we can be... or are... our biggest critics. Myself included, and negative or doubtful thoughts and feelings can poison any good thoughts and feelings dressing brings. vicious cycle of "right" vs "wrong" I appreciate compliments i get, as long as they are sincere. these type of comments positively reinforce my sense of womanhood. they indicate to me that someone other than myself sees me as a woman. for example, the other day i was in a femme shopping mood but i was en drab. no big deal, i've come to be more comfortable with this and went right for the womans/juniors section at a Target store. i spent nearly an hour browsing the racks and shelves trying to find the outfit i had in my mind. even tried on a couple pairs of shoes - and i mean ballet flats, heels, and some subtle gladiator sandals. i did end up finding a summer dress that i liked, and a lace-trimmed tank (i have been wanting some of these for ages!)i confidently went up to the cashier (a kind lady in her later 40, maybe younger 50s) and put my finds on the counter - as she pulled the hangers out and rang up my purchase she chatted with me about the weather and my day, she held it up to fold it right before placing in the bag. i felt outed at first, it was obviously sized to fit me... but without missing a beat or any awkwardness, she turned to me and looked my in the eyes as she commented on how cute the dress was. she made my day! =D
On the other hand, i've had a lot of comments/"compliments" on myspace which are downright degrading. some are pretty nice, kind... but gushy too. i can only interpret that these are aimed at me from a jealous or sexual perspective - not really worth my time. however, i recognize how modern American culture influences feminine sexuality - so to be bombarded with over gushy and insincere compliments is just as affirming to my feminine side, even if rude. my dignity as a woman mandates i ignore ignorance and press delete.
i realize some of us do dress purely to attract attention, while others wish to remain modest. So, i guess what i am saying is:

unsolicited compliments about my new hair style, new shoes, an ensemble i'm wearing, or a post i make are more than welcome - perhaps even encouraged. but raving about how nice my rack is, or that my legs are sexy (and you want to see more) is generally not.

[Barbra P]

I enjoy getting compliments as either a man or a woman so long as I think the compliment is genuine and not offered to gain favor - I don't like to be played. I don't look particularly good as a woman, so compliments on my looks are few and far between -- literally non-existent, but I do try to treat others with respect and compliments are delivered from my heart.

[Vanessa Storrs]

I am old and fat and have no taste in clothes or skills in makeup. I do, however, receive an occasional compliment. It is nice to receive compliments and they mean a lot to an old fat crossdresser.

[NicoleScott]

Like Pythos, I sometimes wonder if the comments are genuine - especially the 'gushing' ones. If the comments are genuine, then I worry that I am undeserving of them. Sure, call it a self-esteem issue. Call it what you will. I just get a bit uneasy about them. I try to take them with the same grace they were delivered, and appreciate the commenter. Sure, I sometimes wonder if they should be getting their eyes checked, . . .

Like others here, I do this for me. I do it for my own satisfaction. I do it for the sheer bliss that dressing is to me. I don't ever want to be the girl who lives for compliments. I don't want to be the one who dresses for others' pleasure. Believe me, my own pleasure is enough.

Kathi

But we all don't think the same , Kathi. I used to chat a lot on AOL. Having an online idenity allows people to be terribly deceptive, but also shamelessly honest. The phonies were easy enough to spot and rid <click>. I had many great conversations with both other cd's and cd admirers, and discovered that when there was no reason to hold back (a closeted cd talking to someone with a certain secret attraction, for example), we're all attracted to and excited by different things. My preferred style is over-the-top makeup and dress, which many men, women, and cd's don't like. I accept that. However, some do like it, and I accept their compliments as genuine. It doesn't have to be something strange or off the wall, as some people might view fetishes, for example, high heels, short skirts, maid uniforms, pantyhose, panties, or over-the-top makeup. It could be just a certain look, a certain hair style, thin lips, blue eyes, red hair, or clothing style - or just some intangible, undescribable feature or overall look. When both of us know that there is a zero percent chance of ever meeting, and therefore no reason to assume some hidden agenda, it's easy to accept compliments at face value.

As for dressing to please ourselves only: that's what makes compliments so much better. I present the way I do for my own reasons, and it's really nce when others like it too.

[Kate Simmons]

Everyone likes compliments. No compliment I get is ever received in a negative light and is appreciated.:)

[Sarah Doepner]

I'm a sucker for a compliment, probably because I don't get lots of them. It's to the point that if someone fails to criticize me, I'm willing to take that as a compliment. So a compliment counts double and being ignored counts as well. That all works to my advantage, it's kind of like figuring the standings in hockey and soccer. A tie always counts!

[msginaadoll]

If the compliment is genuine, I dont care who it is from, I will gladly accept it! What is tougher to deal with is when it is more of a sexual nature-whether from a guy or another CD. When you go out to clubs sooner or latter you will get hit on, its just a matter of learning how to deal with it.

[Raynefall]

I don't see any problems with a compliment. If I as a straight male get a "hit on" by a gay male I just take it as a compliment. Don't freak out. There is no need for it. It's simply a compliment no matter who it's from or how it may come (as long as it's not handsy). Lol.

[ReineD]

I guess it depends on the context. If the comments are left in the Gallery or other such thread, where the OP is obviously looking for feedback, then the compliments are entirely appropriate and welcome.

But, if the thread has nothing to do with any aspect of a person's look - if it is about an emotional or a contentious issue, to come in and say "Wow, you're beautiful" based on their avatar seems out of place and it could easily be seen as a come on, especially if the other 50 thread posts do not include such comments.

Context is everything. The moderators have deleted many such public comments when they are not solicited for this very reason, plus the fact that they are off topic, especially if the rest of the post does not address the topic at hand, or addresses it summarily. Believe it or not, there are people who come here for the express reason to pick up others. :p

It's just a matter of common sense, really. :)

[CaitlynRenee]

If the reason one comes to this site is to 'pick up' any one of the members then that particular person has a serious problem with life. However, the compliment given in the context of, "Hey girl, you DO look great, so don't let the naysayers get you down. Just be yourself and enjoy." is an enabling compliment that is meant to support and in NO way indicates a come on.

Seriously, coming here is supposed to be a positive experience for our members and NOT a nightmare of terror. We have enough of that in the world without having to go through it here.

[Babeba]

I was informed recently, rather strongly, that complimenting other members in a positive, NON invitational way was 'bad form'. Apparently it 'just isn't done'.

I made the comments that they looked fantastic and negative comments by others really don't matter.

The negative comments I received by someone who obviously has 'issues', appear to be because they were of the impression that I was 'coming on' to the recipients of my comments. At least it sounded this way to them.

Sorry, nothing could be further from the truth. MY comments were to impart a matter of fact. These individuals I spoke to DO look good en femme and their effort, skill and dedication to passing show.

So, if I have offended, I apologise.

I think that a lot of what we say on the internet can be taken in a way we don't intend, sometimes. Is there a certain instance you want to know if your compliment was appropriate?

It's so easy to say in a general way, 'compliments are always great!' and honestly, compliments generally ARE great - but once in a while, a tone of speech is lost over the internet or someone takes a statement differently than it was intended and can be uncomfortable. There are one or two people who have given my SO comments on here that made ME feel quite uncomfortable, and I don't think their intention was anything other than to be pleasant, friendly and encouraging. I always try to read things in the spirit they're given, but sometimes that's hard to figure out.

[t-girlxsophie]

I must admit to being a little wary giving compliments.I just worry ppl may see it as a come on,suppose I'm just being silly because if ppl put their pics up and ask for your opinion,then they obviously are wanting you to offer them an honest critique of how they look

Compliments,I get come from my wife,that's good enough for me.But if I ever get any from any other source.I would graciously accept,unless of course they came from the tranny fanciers,they would say anything to get into your knickers:Angry3:

[Rianna Humble]

if the thread has nothing to do with any aspect of a person's look - if it is about an emotional or a contentious issue, to come in and say "Wow, you're beautiful" based on their avatar seems out of place and it could easily be seen as a come on, especially if the other 50 thread posts do not include such comments.

I agree that if it is totally out of context then such a remark is likely to be interpreted as a come-on


the compliment given in the context of, "Hey girl, you DO look great, so don't let the naysayers get you down. Just be yourself and enjoy." is an enabling compliment that is meant to support and in NO way indicates a come on.

I also agree with this, because that remark indicates a context where others have been putting down the person being complimented and the person making the compliment feels the put-downs were harsh or even unmerited.

[GirlieAmanda]

I like compliments. I can usually tell that they are genuine. BUT, I kind of agree with my friend back a few posts that sometimes the compliments do feel a little diluted. You see the same compliments on a person's thread who doesn't look so good or doesn't try too hard as on ones that genuinely look really good. While I am all for support and love, I think it may be better to be encouraging but maybe try to inspire them with some well meaning advice. If you tell them that they look incredible or gorgeous or sexy when they really do not so much, then it doesn't really have meaning and you are doing them a disservice. There is a way to compliment and encourage while still being realistic. I know that I have read many here say thank you for being honest because it really helped them to be better and feel better. That really makes me feel wonderful when I see that.

[Samantha_Smile]

Although rare, I do enjoy compliments being dropped if I post a pic up.
I don't personaly ever take a compliment as a negative thing... When en femme anyway.
In drab or at work with a new hair cut, if I get a compliment like "Wow, love the haircut" I'll pass it off with a jokey comment like "well it cant be any worse than it was!".
En femme in chat rooms or here, I lap it up! Seriously cant get enough!
I feel this is primarily due to the fact I work about 20 times harder to get ready when dressing, so all that work needs to satisfy my urge to feel pretty. When I believe I look good, I feel good. And if someone else says I look great, then I feel great.

Dont know who told you its bad form to compliment, but methinks they arent getting enough compliments themselves so they have a go at the people who dish out the nice words to other people to bring some kind, any kind of attention to themselves.
Yep, sounds childish doesnt it?

[Beth Wilde]

Compliments are always welcome here.... It was the encouragement of a few members here that helped me work harder on my make up etc, and though I still have lots to do, I feel so much better!
There is a huge variety of members here, from those who venture into panties occasionally to full post op ladies, and compliments and encouragement from those more experienced members can be a huge boost to those of use in the early stages.

[dawnmarrie1961]

Love, love, love compliments!:c9:...makes me feel like I'm doing something right.

Gay guys compliment me too!.....not sure it's because I'm more feminine & ladylike in presentation or it's because I'm a guy that has the nerve to go ot dressed in public in a dress (ooh, how daring!) ....I think it's the latter. Gay guys want guys, not women, or any semblance of women. I do it specifically to be me.

I don't mind compliments by people whose sexual orientation differs from my own. I just don't like the paws on approach that I get from some of them. I don't like being felt up by a total stranger.They are mistakenly making assumptions about my preferences without asking me first. I find that very wrong.
I get compliments by women too but i'd rather have a "Hey, Baby. I'd like to get to know you." But unfortunately. Women sometimes make the same incorrect assumption. Which can be a real bummer.