Just can't do it

[pernille d]

My wife found my g string last summer and we talked and eventually I opened up and said I wore nylons aswell.she asked me to stop but knows i have not done so .she in a funny way tesses me by asking if i still have my female underwear.I always say I do. To day was one of those days and this time she also asked if there was anything else I was hiding she should know about. I thought long and hard as it was a chance to come clean but just could not tell the truth about pernille,she thought the pause was because I was embarraced as she thought that I may see it that she was teasing me about my female underwear .

I know the longer I go the harder it will get to tell . I really don't know what to do as I think she will be shocked but more so very angry that I lied to her , anyone else been in this situation if so any advice

[VanessaVW]

She is asking you because she wants to know. At some point, the truth is the best. That day for me worked out easier that I'd ever imagined. Maybe a revelation of the truth could work out in your favor too?

[BobbieJoe]

There's a reason a spouse can't testify against her husband in court, tell her everything she needs to know.

[sissystephanie]

Pernille, I guess the real thing you have to do is decide which you love the most! Your wife or your crossdressing!! From your opening post I would say that you love crossdressing more!! I say that because you don't want to tell her what you like to do, yet you don't know what her reaction may be!

I told my late wife that I was a CD before we married, and we had almost 50 happy years together. It is all in how much love you show the lady you are married to!! Remember, she married a man, not a woman!! You may like to wear feminine things, but you are a man!! Let her know that!!

[AmandaJ]

You need to tell her sooner than later. I dropped hints to my SO for awhile, but she never accused me when I sort of wished that she had.

[abigailf]

My wife still has a bad taste for "deceiving" her (by hiding Abigail). The sooner you tell her the better chance your marriage will survive.

She will be angry and upset at first and it may take a long time before she comes to terms with it (if at all). You will just need to be patient and let her come to around in her own time. Do not force the issue.

[Cynthia Anne]

I say GETERDONE! The sooner you tell her, the sooner she'll help you pick some out or kicked you out! Hugs!

[Eryn]

Today was one of those days and this time she also asked if there was anything else I was hiding she should know about. I thought long and hard as it was a chance to come clean but just could not tell the truth

You now have a great opportunity to make things right. When things are quiet and you have time to talk you say:

"Dear, I have something that is bothering me. You asked if there was anything else I was hiding and at the time I wasn't quite prepared to talk to you about it. I think I'm ready to talk about it if you would like to hear what I have to say."

And take it from there.

Please understand that the above statement is perfectly truthful. This is really bothering you and you'd like to talk about it more if she is ready. If she has a modicum of empathy she'll understand that you're distressed and will listen to you.

Most importantly, also listen to what she has to say. She'll have questions, doubts, and strong emotions of her own and you need to listen carefully to them.

You're right about it getting harder the longer you wait. It'll eat away at you which isn't good for you or your relationship.

[Lorileah]

when you gonna do it? when the divorce papers show up? When you lose the one person in your life who could be your confidant? I say hide for a few more years. Nothing says love and trust than hiding and lying.

The fact that you even posted tells me you know what you should do. Do it

[Holly]

The one thing I am certain of is that it will not get any easier. There is nothing to be gained and everything to loose. If you want to tell her, now is the best time you will ever have.

[docrobbysherry]

U know your wife better than ANY of us. So, I think u should do THE RITE THING! Whatever that may be!


There's a reason a spouse can't testify against her husband in court, tell her everything she needs to know.

Excuse me, BobbieJoe!? It's been my experience that BOTH parties will tell anything they can think of, whether it be tru or not, in DIVORCE COURT!

[Eryn]

IIRC, the phrase is "can't be forced to testify against her husband." If she wants to, she can.

Of course, this may be the law according to Perry Mason. I'm not a lawyer nor have I stayed at a Holiday Inn.

[Stefia S]

Hi Pernille,
I've shared a bit at a time to my wife, rather than doing an all out "tell all", show all. Kind of like the old saying about boiling a frog one degree at a time (yuck!). So from time to time when she asks or I've asked her if she wanted to know a bit more about my crossdressing, and if she says yes, I let her know, for example, about something little and new I've done, like tried something new or different on for the first time. So I share a bit at a time, to make sure she can accept the new me at her own speed. So if your wife asks if there's something else you're hiding, she just may be signalling she's ready for more (you can tell for sure) in which case you could offer her a bit more about your crossdressing. What works is different for every couple.

Fia

[prettytoes]

In a few weeks we will celebrate our 28th anniversary. My wife found out about my dressing about a month ago. She found all my clothes, and it was not a good scene. Since then, she has done some reading and research, and she realizes that this is part of who I am, and that it will not go away. Things have never been better for us. She has asked for a few boundries, which I respect and understand. I'm sure these will ease over time. I now have my toenails painted, wear panties 24/7, and wear satin cami sets to bed. She washes my feminine things (bras, panties, skirts, etc.) with everything else...it sure is nice to not have to hand wash anymore! I explained to her that I am not gay (her first reaction), and I have no desire to become a woman, I just like the clothes. I don't know your wife, so it's hard for me to tell how she will react. All I can say is that my wife is very conservative, and I first thought that I would lose her over this. Now, we have never been closer.

[erickka]

The longer the pot boils, the more pressure that builds. I would anylize the situation and come clean when you feel the time is right, but don't wait too long.

[J'lyn GG]

IMO, it will be worse if you don't tell her. You haven't lied to her by omission, you have lied TO HER FACE about a direct question. If you wait any longer, you may risk the marriage. Lying by not telling is one thing, but man, she actually asked you.

[Nichola]

I think she knows and is giving you the chance to open up. I hope things work out for you.

[Claire Cook]

The one thing I am certain of is that it will not get any easier. There is nothing to be gained and everything to loose. If you want to tell her, now is the best time you will ever have.


The longer the pot boils, the more pressure that builds. I would anylize the situation and come clean when you feel the time is right, but don't wait too long.


IMO, it will be worse if you don't tell her. You haven't lied to her by omission, you have lied TO HER FACE about a direct question. If you wait any longer, you may risk the marriage. Lying by not telling is one thing, but man, she actually asked you.

IMHO, Holly, Erika and GraceAnne offer solid advice. The longer this continues, the more difficult it will be.

[SheriM]

You know your wife the best. I don't believe, however that telling or not telling says anything about your love for your wife or your love for your CDing. In my case, I feel that it is best to let sleeping dogs lie. You have to decide if it is best for your marriage to tell or not to tell.
Stefia suggested telling a little at a time. I sorta like that. The next time you are in a clothes store with her, you might show an interest in some female clothing and see where the conversation goes. Or maybe suggest matching panties since she already knows about the panties. Or maybe if you see her shaving her legs, ask her how it feels and see where that goes.
Good luck.
SheriM

[J'lyn GG]

You know your wife the best. I don't believe, however that telling or not telling says anything about your love for your wife or your love for your CDing. In my case, I feel that it is best to let sleeping dogs lie. You have to decide if it is best for your marriage to tell or not to tell.
Stefia suggested telling a little at a time. I sorta like that. The next time you are in a clothes store with her, you might show an interest in some female clothing and see where the conversation goes. Or maybe suggest matching panties since she already knows about the panties. Or maybe if you see her shaving her legs, ask her how it feels and see where that goes.
Good luck.
SheriM

I understand where you're going with this and in a perfect world this would be easiest. But alot of women I speak to get angry when they haven't been told all up front.

For instance, (call the bob and alice) Bob tells Alice he likes to wear women's underwear. Alice thinks thats not so bad, so goes ahead with the marriage. But Bob didn't tell her about the bras, nylons, shaving, earrings, wigs, makeup, clothes, shoes, breastforms, etc. And then she realizes this is what he meant before they get married, and she isn't so accepting anymore. It was way more than he originally said, but Bob is angry because she accepted in the beginning. But, did she really? No, because she wasn't told the complete truth.

So, best bet, tell the whole truth. But you do know your wife best.

[Ericka2]

So sorry about your situation and a very serious one, if your wife is the type that you can confide her anything and don't have "loose lips" I would take her out for a very romantic dinner and then be totally honest, if you don't think that would be possible then as I've said, you have a very serious problem to solve....

Love, Ericka.

[Lorileah]

So sorry about your situation and a very serious one, if your wife is the type that you can confide her anything and don't have "loose lips" I would take her out for a very romantic dinner and then be totally honest, if you don't think that would be possible then as I've said, you have a very serious problem to solve....

Love, Ericka.

OK I don't get the loose lips thing. is this insinuating that if you tell she will tell another and another and the world will end? I am sure there are other things that this wife could tell the world that would a blot worse.

You don't have to buy a billboard. You don't have to put it in the classified ads. You don't have to tell your neighbor or the paper boy. BUT you are a partner with this person. You can keep some things secret as they really don't pertain to the relationship. You don't have to tell her about how you stole an apple from the orchard when you were 12. You don't even have to tell your deepest crossdressing fantasies. Maybe you don't even need to tell about the other people you have been with (although if there is a reason like maybe possible infection or something that will pertain to your now partner...you need to be upfront). But a lie is a lie and if it affects your partner in some manner you need to come clean. A little lie exposed early has far less complications than it will years down the road. Why? because it morphs into "what else have you been hiding and is it worse?" Early on there is confusion and fear but it is small and you can work through it or get on with your lives apart. When you are together years you now have a base and equity built up. Your partner expects and deserves some stability. If you are upfront early your partner can process and learn without having the extra fear of "all these years and all this we have built, will I lose it now?" And of course we hear how so many hear won't expose themselves for the same reason. But what you have is a house of cards now. Easier to rebuild when it ks new, hard when your whole deck blows away.

[Casey]

Pernille,

I told my SO last week and it has been pretty tense ever since. It is still the best decision I have made inregards to my CDing. The worst thing is the lying and the secrets. My SO and I are in councelling and I strongly suggest you do the same. Be prepared for her to be very angry and hurt - she probably will be and if she is not, that would be wonderful for you. Also be prepared to answer a ton of questions and probably deal with a lot of misinformation that is out there about crossdressers. I wish you the best. Bottom line is if you love your wife, you need to tell her.

PM me if you need to.

Casey

[BillieJoEllen]

My wife thinks I gave it up years ago. If I told her I still do it would mean the end of our marriage. I love her a lot but just can't give up being Billie.

[Jayne1963]

Your wife does not sound completly averse to your crossdressing. She sound as if she is interested to me. As if she is trying to find out more without actually asking. The next time she comments , why not show her this site, as my partner did on the night he told me about himself. I was shocked,
totally surprised yet relieved and when I read some of the posts , quite comforted.

[Jennifer Soames]

Perhaps this approach may help.

If she asks the same type of question again say yes there is but you are struggling with in yourself. Tell her you want to be honest and that you are faithful and you love her and no one else is involved except you and you are not gay, that is the problem you have in speaking to her, not the embarrassment. This would be called the truth, based on your description of how you feel.

To me your problem sounds like is not about CDing but accepting yourself and therefore telling your wife.

[pernille d]

Thanks for all the replys . I do think maybe Jayne you are right as I am sure she wants to know more but either is too afraid what she will hear or she knows I have a problem talking about it.

I know I have to tell her but it's a bit more complex as my wife has a serious illness And is on a real high with life just now so I don't want to go and hit her with a bombshell that will send her right down so it's a mess of a situation I am in and I am just so fed up with it .

[eluuzion]

hi p-d,

If you are feeling sidelined by the health issues currently at hand...one option might be to sit down and put your thoughts on paper and date it, for use at the appropriate time later?

good luck,
:love:

[Mary Morgan]

I suspect that she keeps giving you these opportunities to come clean because she already knows or suspects that there is much more to this. We do not give our partners as much credit for being observant as they deserve and we are certainly are not as clever as we think. Sit down with her at a time when things are calm and private, away from the phone and other distractions.

[pernille d]

I think you are probably right Mary . She does know something I am sure but that leads back to the thread again . As I just cant come out with it to her. 30+ years I have been hiding it from the world and 22 from my wife so it's also a big thing to do, I know so many years in the closset has made me go a little nuts, hiding from yourself and hideing yourself from the world is not healthy as it slowly eats into you and leaves you like me in a total mess.

I really just don't know what to do

[Casey]

Pernille,

I find conseling to be a huge help. Just having a non-biased third party to talk to can be a huge relief.

Best of luck.

Casey

[juno]

I believe in being totally honest. I behave as if all lies to a wife are totally transparent, and it only seems successful when she wants to let you think so. That is not completely true, but you will never know when it is. Dishonesty is always more painful. Eventually, they find out, and the dishonesty ends up being far worse than whatever it is you were hiding. Just be honest, and emphasize that you don't like being dishonest, but were too embarrassed to tell, and that you want to be completely truthful from now on. It will be difficult at first, but I think most women can handle a few "character quirks" as long as you are a good husband and don't go full-time female.

[tiffanyfisher]

I agree with most of the posts. You should be honest and tell her. She seems to be interested in your habits.