This will never end?

[Inna]

40 years of denial and secrecy, numbness from psychological pain, turmoil, near suicide.
3+ years of coming to terms with decision to go on living, within which time I have lost wife, father, friends....
2 years of hope for wonderful future, 3 months on HRT
and going in and out of resolve, black and white, I see the changes and then I don't.
I get called Maam twice one day and then never again, what the H..l!

Now, I should consider my self lucky because besides all those terribles, I have gained love of extreme proportion from few loved ones, love I never knew existed. Promise of FFS in the near future, support from my sister, mother, son.

I guess while writing this I am coming to realize that besides the roller-coaster effect, my life could have been much worst.
I simply don't know how could anyone survive this without any support, it just is beyond human condition to withstand.

[Melody Moore]

Hi Inna,

In the time I have been here its been amazing to see how you & others here continue to grow stronger day-by-day
and I think the biggest change I seen in you was when you decided to get proper help from the professionals rather
than taking things into your own hands & self medicating. And I am fully aware that the support you got through this
forum have been instrumental in that. There are a couple of girls here who I have also seen grow that also took the
same route as you did & self-medicated, but as you know transitioning this way is nothing more than a very dangerous
game of Russian Roulette that you are playing while on one of the wildest roller coaster rides.

My only hope is that you continue to get stronger & life starts to even itself out for you & those that choose the same
path you did think twice & seek out suitably qualified professionals to help them complete their journeys in the safest
way possible. So keep smiling & keep doing what you are doing now because the changes I have seen in you in recent
months is really remarkable.
Good luck & remember we are always here for you. :hugs:

[arbon]

What journey it is. So much to be lost and so much to be gained. Its real.

[Katesback]

You have just begun the journey.

[AllieSF]

Alexia, thanks for your post. It is not always easy to share the pain and suffering in an open forum like this. I think it is good for us "others" to see what you really go through to be you. Us "others" can think we understand what it is you experience, but it is real conversations face to face and through posts like this that bring to true message home to us. Thanks for sharing.

[Inna]

Thank you girls for being here yet again, as you were before. But my journey seems has started 44 years ago, and has been surrounded with discomforts and regret. Yes, I am on Pharmaceutical Hormones for just 3 months but the effort to live has been here since I remember. I am not the only one, I know that we ALL had to sacrifice periods of time, so that we feel needed, accepted, loved, only until we could no longer bare the weight of pain and crash. And when we do get off our knees and stand before the world, naked, true and vulnerable, we get pounded by inabilities to love, misunderstanding, and prejudice.
And my frustration grows from my own lack of stability, my, on and off doubt and resolve. And quite frankly, Hormones, which do get me to sound and act like PMS :)
I started by seeking the holy grail of transition and thought this should be a glorious occasion of finally becoming ME, but now it seems, such does not exist, but rather, this transition is a test of strength and I will bleed, bruise, buckle and at the end hopefully survive to walk this earth as ME, as INNA.
I always thought, that heaven wasn't just a fairytale but right here, right now and the only difference was our ability to see it or not. I guess I have lost my site.

[Sophie Lynne]

This journey doesn't end. Ever. All of us are just beginning in one way or another.

[Aprilrain]

Inna your words ring so true to me. It is like were on the same roller coaster! Hang in there not everyday will suck, I've had a hard week REALLY HARD, and in the depths of my depression I wonder what the hell I'm doing. Why can't i just stop and go back but when I look back I see that there isn't anything there. I sit there wondering why I must suffer so cursing god wallowing in self pity. The only blessing in all of this emotional mess is the crying. I couldn't cry for years and it was awful I hated myself for not being able to cry. Now I can ball my eyes out, I don't like the pain that causes the crying but at least now that pain has an outlet. So have a good cry if you need to. Just remember theres nothing wrong with you, your beautiful, don't let the world tear you down : )

[Hope]

It will end.

It is called "transition" - not "life." I too have to remind myself of this on a regular basis.

[JulietteLeblanc]

I am coming to realize that besides the roller-coaster effect, my life could have been much worst.

However difficult transitioning can be, you're always better off knowing & accepting who you are. Hang in there, it really does get better :)

[Tasha T]

Alexia/Inna and Aprilrain: I am on that roller coaster with you...in the back seat. Since I started hormones a few months ago I have never cried so long and so hard in all my life. This whole process of transition is overwhelming and I am dealing with so many complicated/conflicting issues (alone) that sometimes I don't know if I can keep on going. I wish the best to both of you.

[Aprilrain]

Alexia/Inna and Aprilrain: I am on that roller coaster with you...in the back seat. Since I started hormones a few months ago I have never cried so long and so hard in all my life. This whole process of transition is overwhelming and I am dealing with so many complicated/conflicting issues (alone) that sometimes I don't know if I can keep on going. I wish the best to both of you.

Jeez sweetie I don't know how your doing this alone. I have a lot of support but it is still hard and sometimes I just get in a place where I don't feel like I can call anyone but thats just me feeling sorry for myself. I felt totally normal today not high not low just OK, not at all self-conscious. I stayed busy, got my hair done, met with a girl friend had Lunch and dinner with my wife and it didn't hurt that the sun finally came out! I hope you can find some people to share your misery and your Joy with.

[7sisters]

Everyone is stronger than they think they are. Remember this.

[Tasha T]

I hope you can find some people to share your misery and your Joy with.

It's mostly misery right now (LOL) and that's probably why I'm avoiding everybody. Hopefully the sun will come out for me soon.

[Melody Moore]

Everyone is stronger than they think they are. Remember this.
Exactly! I went from being a very shy & timid child who use to be bullied all the time to someone who
is capable of standing up for myself. If I can do it, then so to can everyone else here. And its attainable
through simply having 'faith' in yourself.