1st post...I feel so sad and lost

[3bugs]

I am sorry if this is the wrong place to post this...I don't know where to go.

My father-in-law tried to commit suicide tonight because his wife told him he could no longer dress. I don't know all the details, but I am sick over this. My husband and I have been struggling with my mixed emotions over his cross dressing. We've had huge issues in the past over his son's cross dressing. Really the secondary issues created by his confusion over his urges to dress. Things got so bad, it wasn't safe for his son to live in our home anymore. All this time, my husband's family blamed me. They "had no idea" what was going on with step-son, it was all my creation.

The secrets are what has destroyed this family...not the cross dressing. The shame and confusion and secrets are keeping these men sick...not the cross dressing. I believe it strongly contributed to my step-son's issues. I am angry their denial and fear of being "outed" was so strong they could not step up and guide step-son.

[sandra-leigh]

Do I understand correctly that there are three generations of cross-dressers involved here, your husband's father, your husband, and your husband's son? And that people are trying to blame you for the problems?? Sure sounds like they don't have their heads on straight :( It must be very difficult on you, to be caught in the middle.

I think you are right, that denial can cause enormous problems in a family.

[Danni Renee]

Well it sounds like a complicated issue, compounded by hiding and secrets. I am not sure what advice to give, if any is needed other than try to be as understanding as you can. Speaking for myself, it is very difficult trying to keep my secret and be who I am but I am trying to come out slowly to those that are close to me. It can be trying for everyone so I hope you can hold out hope that things can work out in the end.

[Daphne Renee]

I can understand why you would feel sad. I dont have much advice to give you . The only thing I can maybe say is to encourage the ones you love to be themselves. Also seems like some family counseling might be a consideration. I cant truly understand what your going through but If you need to talk please feel free to send me a message.

[J'lyn GG]

Unfortunately, the wife/mother gets blamed for everything under the sun. (quite frankly, if you don't know the details, then you also are blaming his wife) I think this is one of my biggest problems with the cding. I want my husband to be happy, but I know if he were to get found out, I would be blamed. What didn't she do right? Not pretty enough, not sexual enough, not enough. That's what it comes down to, and noone can change my mind about that.

That being said, I am sorry for your pain.

[3bugs]

Thank you for the kind words.

Yes, there are three (possibly 4...grandfather has passed away) generations of cross dressers. It is incredibly complicated. We've all mucked up the situation pretty well.

My husband believes this wasn't a "serious" suicide attempt. More of a manipulative (perhaps unintentionally) freak out to get attention...that sounds bad, I don't mean it in a bad way. I just think FIL must have felt terrified by the prospect of losing his wife or denying this aspect of himself. I think they want to believe they could give it up, if they had to, but it really isn't so easy. These, of course, are just my opinions. Denying yourself kills you inside.

My husband came out to his mother and sister last night. Mother-in-law thank him and said things made more sense now. I believe it was a relief for her to talk about it. She's been living with this for 30 some years alone. I am glad they both can have some outside support now.

It just blows my mind that this is so TABOO that three generations have been shamed into silence and suffering.

[Kate Simmons]

Crossdressing can be either an asset or a liability to someone, depending on how it is viewed, addressed and executed by that particular person. Sadly, many do not take the time to delve into and attempt to understand the deep feelings that really drive it. I wish you all the best my friend.

[RenneB]

This one's a little too deep for me as I just don't have the experience or talent to really comment. But this is the forum to try to get some feedback as I have for only a few months and it's really helped....

Renne.....

[3bugs]

GraceAnne,

I just saw your post...there really isn't anyone to blame. We all played apart in this. I was an easy scapegoat for the situation with my step-son. I believe it was part of the denial process for them. In order to sweep step-son's issues under the rug, I had to be the problem. I was part of the problem, a big part. I was doing the best I could with the information I had at the time. I spent years trying to help this kid, always in the wrong direction. I hope we can all do better now.

Mother-in-law did say no more. They had lived with a schedule of when he could dress. He is going through some very stressful times right now. He began dressing everyday, which is why she said no more. She feels terrible, like it is all her fault. She didn't realize how important it was to him. She told the doctors everything could go back to the way things were before. I hope things between them can be better than they were before. I hope they both take some outside help to work through this issue together. I know they love each other very much.

Anyway, thank you to everyone for listening.

[kitchenette]

3bugs. What a heartbreaking story. As a step-mom, I can so relate to being the scape goat. It's a painful journey, punctuated by brief glimpses of hope. As for your In-laws, it's just tragic. I hope they can begin a healing process. It's hard work, but I have heard so many inspiring stories from our community about people who can find a way to love and even better their relationship despite what seem like insurmountable mountains of difference. It's amazing what we can do, when we try.

I'm sending you my best wishes.

[TxKimberly]

Awe, I'm so sorry!~ I think you are right though - the secrets, and the stress from those secrets, causes enormous strain all all involved. I have nothing to say that can make things feel better for you other than to tell you that my hopes are with you. :)

[Stephanie47]

Your situation is a heart breaker! I can only recommend everyone get into some sort of counseling. It sounds as if the MIL had set acceptable boundaries based on her own needs, whatever they may be. It sounds as if she detests cross dressing. When FIL went outside her boundaries, she would not accept upsetting the status quo. The right question for MIL would have been to ask the FIL what issues were causing him to upset the norm. I do not think she realizes cross dressing relieves FIL frustrations and stress with many other unrelated issues. Some people relieve stress with self destructing behavior=alcohol, drugs, sexual encounters, etc.

As to issues with a step-child, all I can say is to accept your stepson's sexuality. It is not necessary to encourage his behavior, but, I feel a parent needs to be accepting and supportive on a child's inclinations as long as the behavior is not self destructive. Any person, a child or adult, needs to have a safe haven of a loving person. I feel the biggest problem arises when the person who one loves rejects them and is not supportive or at least is willing to listen and discuss the issue in a helpful manner.

[linda allen]

You all have my sympathy and prayers, but really, your family needs professional help at this point. Please try to get it.

[ReineD]

The secrets are what has destroyed this family...not the cross dressing. The shame and confusion and secrets are keeping these men sick...not the cross dressing. I believe it strongly contributed to my step-son's issues. I am angry their denial and fear of being "outed" was so strong they could not step up and guide step-son.

Totally agree with you! You'd think that with having 3 generations of CDing in the family though, someone, somewhere along the line would have at least decided it was OK to talk about the secrets.

I'm sorry that you are blamed for your step son leaving and I do agree that in families, women tend to receive more blame than men, especially a step mother. The best advice I have is if anyone accuses you directly of causing strife, you can and should say that you had no part in his decision to leave, in fact you wanted him to stay, but he has his own reasons that you are not free to divulge out of loyalty to him and also, if they have any questions they should ask him or your husband directly.

That should keep them quiet. :straightface: