On My Own

[Christy_M]

I just accepted the counter offer on my new home purchase. Even though my wife and I are in a good place, I still can't shake the sense of loss for the life I will be leaving behind. It tears me up to know I won't be seeing my little ones every morning before they go to school. The guilt I feel for lying to my wife for so many years and getting her to fall in love with someone who wasn't real will be with me forever.

I guess that the sense of relief that I feel for having a place to go should be some comfort. I am excited to be able to live full time in my new home. My new neighborhood will only know Christy. I am scared and I am hopeful and I am cautious. It is an adventure I cannot avoid and one I have embraced as my own life journey.

Tomorrow is a new day and I will continue to be a better me every day.

[Melody Moore]

Christy what you have gone through has been one of the most difficult struggles anyone can ever deal with.
But what really amazes me is that you show so much intestinal fortitude & honesty by doing what you are
doing now & in setting not only your wife, but yourself free. I think you know already that you will be happier
in the longer term. Not having your kids there every day is very hard & takes some time getting use to. But I
have no doubts in your abilities to cope with the changes in your life after the example I have already seen.
So good luck & just remember that you have a whole new family of brothers & sisters here to help you through. :hugs:

[Hope]

A friend of mine from my seminary days used to say "Guilt is like a bag of bricks. You can just set it down."

You are real. You can beat yourself up for not showing yourself for so long (we all do that) but don't fault your wife for loving you. Even when you were wearing the boy-suit and masquerading as a guy - she was still loving you.

Congratulations on moving forward and buying a new home. My wife and I have an offer in on a place ourselves... though we expect it will be rejected... at least in the first round ;)

[Pattie O]

I think you are an incredibly brave woman.

[Jay Cee]

A friend of mine from my seminary days used to say "Guilt is like a bag of bricks. You can just set it down."...

Oh, I like that quote.

A big hug to you, Christy. It's a tough road, being true to oneself. But it will be worth it in the end.

[Tomara]

Hi Christy ,
Sorry to hear that you are struggling a little right now , but stay positive and enjoy your new home and your new freedom to be you !
Best of luck to you on your new life !
Tomara

[Aprilrain]

I don't know what your wardrobe looks like now but you'd better budget for shopping since your going to be dressing in female attire all the time now!

This is the road, Its hard, and while being transgendered certainly ranks high in weird and unusual we do not have a monopoly on difficult. Lots of people experience difficult lives. I am finally at the place where my therapist and I talk almost exclusively about family issues. My being trans just is, there isn't a whole lot to talk about in that area anymore other than where it affects my relationship with family. I'm full time presenting as female now around my kids but it took a long time to get here with subtle changes along the way. I still won't wear a skirt or dress but I wear makeup, jewelry and overtly feminine capris and tops. My little ones want to tug on my earrings or take off my bracelets and play with them!

[Leanne2]

Dear Christy,
You won't be living in the same house with your kids but you should have visitation rights. Then you can just be yourself around them. They won't be out of your life forever. Good luck! Leanne

[Sara Jessica]

The enormity of such a decision is breathtaking and while it may seem difficult to do so, I'm glad that you are taking stock of what you are leaving behind. Yes, you will miss those simple pleasures but hopefully new ones will take their place, ones which still include your little ones. Wishing you the best. :)

[Jorja]

Yes, it hurts when you cannot see your kids everyday. Know this though, they will love you just the same. As I told here once, I was divorced once. I recieved notification of the final results while steaming out to sea on my way to a six month deployment. Somehow, my ex managed to get the judge to sign off on an order saying I could not see my children until they turned 18. Not a lot I could do about it in the middle of the ocean. To make a long story short, I fought it for 10 years. One day two young people, a boy and a girl stood knocking on my door. As I opened the door they said, Dad???? Now I can't seem to get rid of them when I want some peace and quiet. The funny thing is, they want nothing to do with their mother at all. Things have a way of working out for themselves.

Be strong, keep up a good relationship with the kids, things will work out.

[Laurie Ann]

Christy my heart breaks for your loss. I wish you all the best as you start your new life.

[mooseboy77]

You are a strong woman and I know you will prevail. Good luck and keep us posted as a lot of people will be worrying about you.

[Katesback]

There was a key statment you made that was priceless. You said your new neighborhood will only know Christy.

[Inna]

Hey Christy, guilt is the essence of dishonesty, we all have carried for a lifetime, because truth felt grave and treacherous. But now you are living in truth, in time you will forgive your self for the things which honestly, were out of your control. Remember, everything happens for a reason.

My sister, who is a wise woman, illuminated my dark spirit when I was dealing with my guilt, and said, "baby, if you have decided early on on transition, even though we both know, it wasn't possible, then your beautiful son would have not enlighten your life as he now does.
And yes, she was right, Everything happens for a reason, in mysterious yet beautiful ways.

You will too, turn guilt into fruitful love, in time, through pain, it is the inevitable process we all are so accustomed to by now.
You are a beautiful Mother, always were, and always will be!

Love, Inna.

[ReineD]

Christy, congratulations on your new house and the beginning of your new life. I know from personal experience how difficult it is to not have your kids involved in your life every day (when my youngest was 14 he chose to leave our small town in order to attend HS in LA when his dad moved there), but they will always love you even if you don't see them every morning. Hopefully you will have shared custody and the kids will spend equal time with you and your ex? It is a huge blessing that you will both remain friends, especially for your kids.

I also want to comment on how quickly and easily your changes seem to have occurred since the relatively short time you joined this forum and decided to better explore your feminine self and I admire people like you who can identify what they want and then just go for it. You will have spared yourself and your family many years of tortuous sitting on the fence.

If you can make the same changes at your work seamlessly, if they are willing to work with you through the transition then it is icing on the cake!

Congratulations!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Best wishes to you and your Christy..i have lived through the exact same thing. ..you should expect lots of ups and downs...in the end, i hold to on the idea that i really didn't know what the hell i was doing up until i decided to end my days in a male role..

i left my home is 2006, divorced in late 2007, and transitioned over the last 2 years... although my life is very different, i still enjoy the love of my kids...i wish that for you..

be ready for lots of ups and downs..

and never forget how you felt prior to doing this, never forget why are doing it..
...one day you may wonder what the big deal is because you will feel so.....normal...

[Longing2be-Trisha]

Hi Christy!

It is never easy to divorce, especially when children are involved. My first wife I had to fight tooth and nail to keep my children in my life no matter how hard she tried to manipulate the courts. It took time but I am very close to them now. Always listen to them, always love them no matter what they do or say, always let them know they can call any time to talk, and always have an open door policy. They will love you got who you are and how you were there for them. You are stronger than you know, look at now far you have come. Under normal circumstance the stress of divorce and sepration from children add in being a new woman in a new place it is unreal! You are beautiful and capable of so much just take it one day at a time. If you are to stressed give me a jingle.

Hugs and Kisses

[morgan51]

You are so brave Christy congratulations on your new life and your new place this is such a difficult path for familys. My heart goes out to all of you. Better times are just ahead. Hugs Morgan