My wifes comment

[Paula_56]

My wife falls into the category of don’t ask don’t talk about it wives. She knows I cross-dress, has even bought me some clothes from time to time. But we just don’t talk about it. It makes her feel very uncomfortable.
She surprised me recently; we were watching a local news segment about a transsexual woman who transitioned late in life, actually almost my age exactly. Her feminine progression paralleled, and contained many of the same events and issues that my wife has seen with me.
All during the 5 minute segment my wife made positive comments, “she looks nice” “She’s got herself a cute bod”. This is the woman who has called me a freak and pervert for many years.
She turns to me after the piece is over and says
“You’d be an excellent candidate for a sex change”
I was in shock, caught by surprise the whole world kind of slowed down, with a million thoughts racing thru my head.
I responded, “Do you think, I really would be happy living fulltime, day in and day out as woman?”
Her response; “Are you kidding? I think you’d relish it, You’re more of a woman already than most of my friends”
Before I could respond she abruptly changed the conversation and it was over.
But I can’t get it out off my head……..

[Karren H]

Wow.... That is a quantum jump compared to where my wife has progressed.... I'm happy she no longer goes running screaming from the room when a TG comes on TV!! Lol

[Cynthia Anne]

Great little story! It's nice to think that she is starting to except you for being yourself! Hugs!

[Angie G]

Sounds like sh may be getting softer on you. We hope so hun.:hugs:
Angie

[Danni Renee]

I am not certain that I understand your story as being a postive development. Without knowing the tone of the conversation she could be more accepting but she could also be giving up on thinking you will change. I know I have no idea whether or not she even remotely held a hope that you would change but what you wrote just sort of clicked as not being positive. I pray I am wrong and that she is becoming more accepting.

[Daphne Renee]

well it sounds like she is supporting you in her own way. Take the small steps as positive.

[linda allen]

I am not certain that I understand your story as being a postive development. Without knowing the tone of the conversation she could be more accepting but she could also be giving up on thinking you will change. I know I have no idea whether or not she even remotely held a hope that you would change but what you wrote just sort of clicked as not being positive. I pray I am wrong and that she is becoming more accepting.

I'm with Danni on this one. Reading it as you describe it, she seems to be thinking you really want to become a woman. I don't know if you do, but I suspect not. I suspect she doesn't understand what you want out of crossdressing.

Hindsight is 20-20, and I've missed a few oportunities myself, but if possible, you should have kept the conversation going and assured her that you don't want a sex change operation or to live as or become a woman, you just want ................. and explain what you really want (which I don't know).

[suchacutie]

I'm in the camp that reads a warning in this message from your wife. I would strongly urge you to reopen this conversation in order to explain to her how you really feel, as opposed to how she perceives you. You could start by telling her that you were floored at her perception of you and you are in dire need to understand what she sees that brings her to these conclusions. Thus, you wouldn't be talking about "dressing" per se, but about perceptions.

However, this can be an opportunity to set the record straight after a long time of "don't ask/don't tell" in which reality has not kept pace with perception!

Best Wishes!

Tina

[Leslie Langford]

That's a truly amazing development, Paula, considering the domestic situation that you have become acclimatized to. The rest of us in your situation should only be so lucky, but nevertheless, this bit of news from you is very inspirational as being the strongest indicator yet that your wife might be coming around to full acceptance of your transgenderism.

I see similar indications from my own wife from time to time, but they are usually not couched in the same type of positive language that your wife's latest observations appear to be. More along the lines of "Why don't you just move out and live full-time as a woman or get a sex change if that's really what you want!" So yes, we're still at the "disgusting pervert" stage here for all intents and purposes, but with a hint of occasional tolerance or acceptance thrown in just to keep me off-balance.

Paula, this recent observation by your wife puts you in uncharted territory, and you must now tread very carefully so as not to be pushed into a direction that you are perhaps not yet prepared to take. I know from previous posts that you are currently seeing a gender therapist to see just how far you have come in your transgender journey, and if, in fact, rather than simply being a crossdresser, you are actually leaning more towards being a full transsexual, along with the eventual SRS in your future. From what I gather, coming to a realization either way is still a work in progress.

While your wife's comments may be very encouraging on the surface, they may also be like the proverbial two-edged sword. Perhaps she is now drawing a kind of mental line in the sand and has since formulated a whole different view of you which may now involve some very fundamental and life-changing decisions on both your parts, including the ultimate survival of your marriage. Better to have your wife on board rather than against you if that is the direction your future is heading in, but for your own sake, do take it slow and easy and don't let yourself be pushed into a decision that you might not be ready for at this time.

The good news is that you have plenty of support, peer experience, and all manner of resources to draw from on this forum and its members. Be secure in the knowledge that we're all here for you, and if you wish, also there to help you sort through what might soon become some very difficult life decisions for you...:hugs:

[Paula_56]

Hi leslie

I do think that my wife was more or less thinking out loud, (it's nice to hear her thoughts on this)

The fact that she changed the subject so abruptly indicates that she wasn't advocating a trip to Phuket.

I believe it was more along the line of your wifes comment, if I had to guess, what she really meant by it all I would guess she was thinking " You really are a woman trapped in a male body, but I couldn't bear you loose you"

And I could never hurt her so. I know I'd love being a transexual women but I made a commitment and will do my best to stick by loving her

[Kerigirl2009]

Wow sounds like your wife might be doing one of two things, one trying to accept and embrace you. OR trying to get a reaction from you so she can make up her mind if she still loves you and if you become a woman then it might make it easier for her to say goodbye. Now I know nothing about your relationship but I wish you the best of luck.
My wife told me soon after I revealed to her I was a crossdresser that within ten years I would be a fulltime woman. I guess I have about eight more years to prove her wrong, or right, I guess time will tell. But one way or the other I hope we are still together when the time comes.

Good luck
Keri

[RADER]

Try asking her if you could practice by wearing fem clothes more often. It can't hurt trying. LOL
Rader

[Lorileah]

Take it, enjoy it, keep doing what you are doing because you evidently are not as scary as you you once were. By applying no pressure you sometimes get the greater movement. I would not run out and get that appointment with the reassignment councilor yet, but with time I can see that she will be more willing to let you be you.

[Kathi Lake]

My first reaction? "Sounds like a fishing trip to me."

Have you always told your wife that you would never ever transition? Maybe she's looking for validation on that issue.

Just a thought.

Kathi

[Deana ♥ Danni]

I'm with Danni on this one. Reading it as you describe it, she seems to be thinking you really want to become a woman. I don't know if you do, but I suspect not. I suspect she doesn't understand what you want out of crossdressing.

Hindsight is 20-20, and I've missed a few oportunities myself, but if possible, you should have kept the conversation going and assured her that you don't want a sex change operation or to live as or become a woman, you just want ................. and explain what you really want (which I don't know).

I agree, I would try and talk some more with her about this. As a GG I will sometimes do this..... trying to "fish" for more information. If you can try and sit down with her and talk about this, she may be totally accepting but she may also be anxious and needing some reassurance.

Good luck,
Deana

[SamanthaS]

I would think that my wife is thinking about leaving me, because it would be hard to have a relationship that started with your male parts, ending with female parts. To those people out there who want SRS, good luck; there is NO WAY I'd want to live without my weapon ;) "I love you buddy", talking to him now, LOL.

[Amanda22]

No offense intended, Paula, but when I read "This is the woman who has called me a freak and pervert for many years" I stopped reading your post. That's the comment that got my attention. I can't imagine a relationship in which that is considered acceptable.

[JamieG]

My first reaction? "Sounds like a fishing trip to me."

Have you always told your wife that you would never ever transition? Maybe she's looking for validation on that issue.

Just a thought.

Kathi

That was exactly what I was thinking.



And I could never hurt her so. I know I'd love being a transexual women but I made a commitment and will do my best to stick by loving her

If you don't want to lose her, you should quickly make it clear that you don't intend to transition. It is quite possible that she is thinking this is where you are headed, and is prepared to "free" you from your commitment to her. By not automatically responding to her comment by saying that you'd never get a sex change, you may have just confirmed (in her mind) her suspicions.

[Rachel05]

Hmmmmmmmm my wife still does the whole I can't stand men that dress up as women routine when there is anything on TV, but since she knows about me now, I just give her the look that says, I am not stopping !!

[Paula_56]

Alot of good advice and input here. I didn't expect so much of a r,esponse.

I never thought it could be a fising trip but now that you mention it, I suppose you are right.

As for letting her know that I would never transition,and that I would never leave her, that is something that needs to be said and if the conversation had continued I would have, Our conversations about this issue occur about 2-3 times a year are always short and she tends to shut down quickly. But that aside I need to tell her this,

I guess I was just a but shocked when she said it and of course there is that part of me that says "yes"

[sissystephanie]

Paula, did it ever occur to you that maybe your wife was thinking that if you did transition she could be rid of you? With her attitude, it seems very unlikely that you two would remain married!! I may be way off base, but the thought certainly did occur to me!

[Stephanie47]

Although I'm in a DADT marriage, my wife does take the time to make negative comments concerning cross dressers on television shows, be it entertainment or news. I'm sure they are meant to be cutting comments and not just blurted out comments. She does not have the 'balls' to make a direct comment, so she makes a general statement. It's interesting she is supportive of lesbians and gays.

As to your wife's comments, I think you've been married long enough to tell the difference between sarcasm, cutting comments and general observations.

[BeckyAnderson]

Geez, if my wife had made that comment I'd know exactly what she was thinking and doing. She'd be testing me to see if I have any thoughts of changing my physical appearance. One of the big fears of wives of crossdressers is that they will lose the man they married. Since she "discovered" my feminine side and we had the usual early on talks about it, she'd be testing to see if I had lied to her about where I am with crossdressing. Even though she dosen't like to talk about it with you maybe it's her way of getting answers without actually talking to you about it. Hugs, Becky

[Jill Devine]

ABORT MISSION. It's a trap!!!!

She's testing your reaction. If she is not even comfortable with you dressing then trust me: there's no way in hell she will handle you having a vagina. From what little I have read, it does not sound like a healthy situation. Hopefully i am wrong.

[kimdl93]

In my experience its almost always a bad idea to speculate about another person's intent. I would take your wife's comments at face value, not as encouragement or a suggestion, but fairly straightforward and, I would say, complimentary observations about you. A "thank you, that's so nice of you to say" might be in order. It certainly wouldn't hurt to follow by that you're not interested in transitioning.

[joandher]

My first reaction? "Sounds like a fishing trip to me."

Have you always told your wife that you would never ever transition? Maybe she's looking for validation on that issue.

Just a thought.

Kathi


I agree with Kathi, she is trying to find out how far you are going to go, tread carefully

Hugs

J-JAY

[Cindy_Act]

My alarm bells are ringing. This doesn't sound like a step towards acceptance to me at all. Seems to me that your wife is setting you up. But, I also get the impression that you would be happy to make the transition to full time female. Perhaps you need to consider moving in your own direction and stop worrying about how your wife feels about your dressing. Some hard decisions for you to make I think. Your wife deserves to know exactly where you stand.

[Inna]

good to hear those words, acceptance, that is all we truly want ;)

My wife's version of that conversation was: I do understand now, everything suddenly makes sense................... you got a week to move out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Rachel Morley]

No offense intended, Paula, but when I read "This is the woman who has called me a freak and pervert for many years" I stopped reading your post. That's the comment that got my attention. I can't imagine a relationship in which that is considered acceptable.

Ditto! I can't imagine staying married to someone if they called me names like that and meant it and also did for many years! ... but to comment on your post specifically. I would say that just because she said that you'd make a good candidate for SRS doesn't mean she wants it to happen. If she's not even accepting of a little part -time CDing I can't see her wanting her husband to transition. That sounds weird to me. This is a "in a perfect world" type comment I think.