At What Cost?

[Gocaps14]

What is the cost of dressing? Yesterday I posted about talking with my wife about my dressing. I took a long time to say that if I spoke with my wife I feel it would make me feel better and her worse; and mostly have a negative affect on our relationship. Knowing her as I do, I do not believe she will come to accept my dressing or be supportive. I believe that, for her pretending not to know is the best way to handle it. For me, I really want her to accept every aspect of me, all of it. But what is the price I will pay to wear womens clothes? Divorce? Isolation? I am an advocate of not letting dressing affect other people in my life, just enjoying what time I do have to dress; so why do I feel the need to come out of the shadows?

[Tina B.]

Because we all need sunlight!
Tina B.

[Angie G]

Sometimes it can be very lonely in the shadows. I felt the need for a long time. I was lucky my wife accepts my dressing. I can't say what you need to do. But I wish you luck in whatever you do.:hugs:
Angie

[Karren H]

I'm in the same boat except we don't really talk about it... For me it comes down to what's important in life..... Family.... Friends.... Job.... Crossdressing is way down near the bottom... I respect her wishes to not want to know about my crossdressing and am truly sorry she found out.... Which threw the burden of my secret on her..... And after 35 years of marriage I'm not going to let this get in the way of spending the rest of our lives together... We have a working arrangement... Which is good for now but it may change in the future... But I will not let It destroy something that I so dear to me... Just not worth it... At least to me.....

[Cynthia Anne]

It's sad that this question must arise so many times!Many of us are paying and will continue to pay full price for this! I don't blame you for wanting exceptance and hope you don't pay full price! Hugs!

[Danni Renee]

I wish I had great advice to give you. I came out to my girlfriend and she has been fully accepting. I think my ex-wife knew (or at least had an idea) about my dressing but like your wife she pretended not to notice. I think keeping secrets (for both of us) ended my marriage and I am trying my best to be open and honest in my new relationship. But your situation is harder and all I can do is wish you luck and hope you figure out a way to balance your relationship with you wife with your need to be yourself.

[Kate's at home]

Coming out of the shadows is about coming out of hiding...to be who you are, whole, with yourself, and with your wife. Otherwise, all else will become a lie between you two as it works out in time energetically (she will find out eventually, either directly or by some inference). If you come out now, at least you having a starting point for communication towards acceptance and balance.

Best of luck,

Kate

[Daphne Renee]

I agree with Kate. If your hiding this eventually it will likely come out. You will have to decide whats worse telling her or having her find out you have been hiding something from her. The cost could possibly be much greater the longer you wait.

[suchacutie]

This forum is actually rather young, much younger than many of the relationships of its members. One of the common threads that runs through the many postings on this forum concerns itself with how to enter into a relationship and deal with our feminine selves. Many have talked about thinking that the urge to crossdress was a fetish that would disappear once married. Although that might be true for some, the vast majority of posters have made it clear that our feminine selves are always there, that's it's biology and not a passing fancy.

Even with supportive wives there can be limitations. My wife and I discovered Tina after 32 years of marriage. Like Karren has carefully said above, I'm not about to do anything to destroy the one thing most dear in my life, and that is my wife and family. My wife has been my partner in discovering the nature of my feminine self, but there is no doubt that if Tina suddenly decided to head out to the mall for some shopping or if Tina headed to my office for an afternoon of work, we would have a crisis in our lives. For some, that limitation would be a problem. In fact, any limitation would be a problem.

It also goes deeper, if that's possible. My wife and I have not been alone in our home for almost a year. During that time the opportunities for Tina have been zero! I took Tina along to a couple of professional meetings, but there is nothing like being able to relax in one's own home. My wife suggested that I get a hotel room on occasion for Tina to have some time, and after some thought I rejected the idea (actually in favor of getting a room for the two of us, if you know what I mean!). I couldn't get my head around the idea of Tina skulking around in a hotel room JUST for the purpose of sitting there and reading or some such. In my case, I knew that eventually things would return to normal and Tina would have free reign again. For some, that return to normal does not mean freedom.

So, the ultimate cost is the balance between and among our priorities. But, isn't this the ultimate cost of all things in life? Everything comes down to a set of priorities, a set of choices. Some of these choices are more important that others. Which jam to put on our morning toast is obviously much less important than choosing a life mate, or deciding on the importance of our feminine selves.

The cost is the decision about how to live our lives, and that set of decisions is seldom simple.

Tina

[Kate Simmons]

We have the need to be acknowledged for who we are and for our feelings, not that much different from everyone else really.:)

[Stephanie47]

I'm in the same boat as Karen. I'm in a Don't Ask! Don't Tell marriage. My wife does not approve of my cross dressing. She has no idea of the extent of my feminine wardrobe. She knows I am en femme much of the time she is at work. It would be nice if I could share all of myself with her, but, I respect her limitations. I am not willing to throw forty years of marriage away. That being said, I will not adhere to any demands that I purge my clothing, cease dressing, etc. At that point I would rather be single than have an integral part of my being castrated from my body.

If you want to ignore the limitations self imposed by your wife, then you have to bear the consequences of your actions.