Does she know on a certain level?

[Maiko Newhalf]

Hi All, I'm planning on coming out to my wife but have not yet gathered enough courage and strength to do so. At the same time, I've tried on her clothes in front of her for quite several times. Well, here's the story. I have lost quite some weight lately through workout and diet. So one day when both of us are in the dressing room, I just picked up a pair of her jeans and casually said: "What size is it? I think I can now fit into it." She didn't suspect anything and let me. Well it indeed fit. :o

I have done it on several ocassions since then. I tried her skirts and tops. Most of the time she's OK with it but I think it is mostly because I pretend to not care about it much -- I just tried the clothes and took them off without saying much. Sometimes she will say "You actually look good in that pants" but other times her comment will be "it's weird!". Yesterday when I put on one of her tops I told her that I think I looks good and her reaction was "That's sick" or something like that.

My wife is totally straight as far as I know. When she sees girls make out on TV, she always says that make her feel uncomfortable. The question is: does she know about my passion for CD on a certain level? What's my prospect of coming out? What should I expect? Any suggestion on this topic is welcome.

A little bit about myself: I started dressing since early teens. I'm in denial for quite long to the extent that I purged all my girly stuff before getting married. I hoped that I could stop. I'm also sure that I'm a CD not TS. I enjoy presenting myself in both gender. I also don't want to lose my family because of my hobby (of course).

Anyways, thanks for taking your time to read this. Sincerely, Rose.

[Stephenie S]

Does she know?

Sweetie, OF COURSE she knows. She knows already.

Traditional "macho" guys DON'T try on their wife's clothes. Ain't done.

You have worn her clothes in front of her, not once, not twice, but several times. She knows you like it. 'Cause it just ain't on the bucket list of most macho American husbands.

So, your problem is . . . . . . . ??

[rachaelsloane]

Rose,
I've got to agree with Stephanie. I'd have a talk with her and more than likely she will be OK with it. Don't push too fast and work into it within her acceptance guidelines.
Let us know how it goes,
Rachael

[Eryn]

There is a large difference between being curious about how something will fit and expressing enjoyment from wearing the clothes. While she may have an inkling, it is likely buried under a large pile of rationalization. You've thought about this for a long time, she's only thought about it in passing and has likely rejected any thought of your being a CDer.

The way I see it, you have a choice. You can wait until she finds out by accident or you can pick the place and time to tell her yourself. This whole thing is bothering you, right? That's your preamble. Tell your wife that something is bothering you, she'll ask what it is, and off you go.

When you do have the talk, make sure that you are prepared with information for her. The typical questions are: Gay? Transition? How long? and the one she won't ask, "why me?"

"I don't know." is an acceptable answer if you truly don't know something.

Now, as I said above, you've had this with you all your life, she is just finding out about it. She will need time to assimilate the situation. Give her plenty of time and for heaven's sake keep out of the Pink Fog.

Hugs, Eryn

[Maiko Newhalf]

Thank all you gals for the kind suggestions. And I think I have most of the FAQs sorted out in my mind. I just need some more courage and the right opportunity. I think I'd prefer to tell her myself rather than letting her found out.

[prettytoes]

Rose,
My wife found out the hard way. She found a sport bra and did a subsequent search and discovered everything. In the past, I wore mostly women's panties, and would tell her that they were cheaper and more comfortable. When she mentioned a dislike for it, I purged. I always went back. After a purge, I would be stressed out, irritable, and depressed. My wife is very conservative, and I never got up the courage to tell her. When she found everything, I didn't really have a choice. What do you say to your stash of satin panties, sport bras, mini skirts, tights, etc., etc., etc, spread out on the bed one night? Kind of hard to come up with a cover story for that.
After a few days of not talking, we sat down and had a good heart to heart. There were lots of tears, and many questions from her...all the ones you would expect to hear. She has since done some reading and research on the subject, and we talk much more about everything. She has asked to not see me in a skirt or dress for now, and I try to avoid anything that I know would make her uncomfortable. I now wear panties 24/7, sleep in satin and silk, and have my toenails painted. I wear sport bras when working out, and yoga shorts when I'm lounging around the house. I don't use make-up or go outside dressed.
Since we worked things out, life has been great. I have been much happier (which she tells me all the time), and I sleep better at night. We have been closer than ever, and have been much more intimate. All I can say is that I wish I would have told her years ago! (we have been married 28 years next week). I can't say how your wife will react, but I wanted to share my story with you. I hope it helps!

[Stephanie Miller]

The others may be right. But remember the number one rule to go by when coming out is: ALWAYS asume the other person is ignorant of the fact about you and is going to be blindsided. Have all the information she is going to need and answers to her questions rehearsed.
Oh yea, number two rule: and your bags packed and other living arrangments too. Just in case.

[Maiko Newhalf]

Yeah, she might have some clues but kind of in denial just as I did. I'm not sure that she's OK with it though, you know, based on her reactions.

Thank you very much for sharing your story! PT

Another thing about myself: I only want to dress ocassionally like once or twice a month? CD is more like a change or spice of life. I enjoy being the good husbund and father guy, although I'm not sure I'm a macho guy to begin with. :) But eveutually I hope I could go out fully dressed and pass. Is that easier or more difficullt to accept?

Stephanie,

Oops, need to think more about the bag packing part ... BTW, is your avatar yourself attending a pageant contest?

[Konfused]

I would not be too discouraged by a passing comment of "it's sick". It all depends on how she said it. If she said it like "omg grosssss" that's a lot different than saying it like "honey, that is genuinely disgusting". I know when I'm out with my guy friends, I will often chime in on things as a "normal dude" (as far as they know), and sometimes I even say things that I do not mean at all (but are harmless) just because it's what's expected of me to say. Some of the things that I say would probably lead my friends to believe that I may not accept them or may even make fun of them if they told me they crossdressed, but in reality I am obviously supportive of it. I think that it's a good sign that she didn't immediately express the fact that she was uncomfortable (as you say she does when she sees girls kissing).

[Maiko Newhalf]

BTW, I recently start to use skin care products like eye serum and body lotions etc.. She seems to be open about this. I also shave my legs which she don't like...she said she likes guys to be hairy. So a lot of these are mixed. Women are hard to understand... I guess I'm not a very typical CD'er too because others seems to be way more sensitive than me. I envy you gals. :)

My wife and I were very close friends before we got married. At one point, we've been chatting about skin care topics but soon we get into a relationship so that stopped.

[Sammi W]

All i can say from my experience is you never know how they will take it... My wife had made plenty of comments about me and her stuff over the years but when i finally asked her if she wanted me to wear something for her she said she didnt...I was convinced she was leading me into it but was wrong. Thankfully she nows for the most part now and i hope things go well for you.

[Daphne Renee]

well I really cant tell you what she might say or do. I can tell you its better that you tell her than she find out on accident.

[Karren H]

Well ask her if she knows!! Lol. Mine had no clue that I did for some 30 years of marriage before she stumbled upon some of my fem things. And if your wife is alluding that "it sick" when you try on her tops... I'd plan for the worse... Hope for the best... But maybe check out a good divorce lawyer. Do some basic accounting and see how much half of all your worth including your 401k and retirement account. Don't forget to take your kids welfare into account also... Lot more to think about than just gathering courage... Imho.... Good luck! .

[JamieG]

Another thing about myself: I only want to dress ocassionally like once or twice a month? CD is more like a change or spice of life. I enjoy being the good husbund and father guy, although I'm not sure I'm a macho guy to begin with. :) But eveutually I hope I could go out fully dressed and pass. Is that easier or more difficullt to accept?

Hi. I think only needing to dress a few time a months can help with acceptance. Like you, i do not dress frequently, and this makes it possible to arrange for some private time for you to dress. My wife has taken the kids out of the house specifically so I can have dressing time, and is okay with me attending a local TG support group once a month. She generally prefers not to be with me while I am en femme, but has been impressed with some of my pictures. If you're wife is not totally repulsed by crossdressing and you are able to be a good husband most of the time, I think you should be able to work out a good compromise.

I wouldn't put too much stock on the "that's sick" comment. Before my wife knew about me, we'd occasionally "joke" about me doing drag for Halloween, and she'd always say, "But I could never sleep with you again after I saw you in a dress." We've had two kids since I came out to her, you do the math.



When you do have the talk, make sure that you are prepared with information for her. The typical questions are: Gay? Transition? How long? and the one she won't ask, "why me?"


One more thing, another question may be, "Why didn't you tell me before we were married?" For my wife, this was the biggest issue. That I had kept such a big secret from her for so long (in our case, four years dating and one year of marriage). She felt I had "trapped" her (by not giving her the choice about whether she wanted to marry a CDer) and wondered what other secrets I was keeping. It took a long time to rebuild her trust in me.

[Gillian Gigs]

A lot of tops, and pants can be rather genderless. Bras and panties are not. Going slow and steady wins the race, and you need to do the same. The best place to start is with a good talk. By that I mean, not while you are wearing her clothes. I am for honest and open communication, and some compromise on the side. Girls exchange tops and other clothes all of the time, but get your own "undies". Do all things in love, and love will conquer all.

[suchacutie]

Hi! Just a note to comment that my wife is also totally straight but is very happy with Tina as her girlfriend. She and Tina do a lot of the things that I just can't stand doing in male mode, but Tina seems to enjoy (like chick flicks! They watch them and I just can't see the attraction in male mode!). So, when you do tell your wife, do make sure that she should understand that her basic world is not changing, that you are who you are, and that she's not about to lose her man. In my case I've made it clear to my wife that any time she wants her man, Tina must take second place. It hasn't happened often, but the times it has happened reinforces the strength of our bond.

For a dose of reality, be aware that Karren has a good point: prepare for the worst, but also prepare for the best, and expect reality to be somewhere in between.

[deebra]

Since she said you actually look good in my pants why not say I like them better than my guy jeans and if you don't mind I would like to start wearing fem jeans because that fit and feel so much better. So you have now orchestrated the situation so you are just persueing her suggestion. This might make it a little harder for her to object since she suggested it. Now we all know fem cut tight jeans can only be worn with panties or a thong under them otherwise they wouldn't look right. This will get you two for one.

[ReineD]

She likely suspects that something is amiss but is dismissing the possibility because it is not something that she is eagerly anticipating.

I would tell her soon if you can and prepare yourself first; be ready to answer all of her questions. Have you seen the Sticky at the top of this section, "How To Tell Your Partner"?

Good luck!

[Kerigirl2009]

I would tread lightly about telling your wife. <ake sure you can live with the consequenses. I told my wife nearly two years ago and she still looks at me different everyday since then. She is tolerant but not approving, (which sucks BTW) As she knows about ne but does not want to see it, So you still have to hide it everyday.
I also thought she had her suspicions but I was TOTALLY WRONG on that as she had NO IDEA. So now we go about our days knowing she knows and I know that it bothers her but I can not do a thing about it.
Think about how it will afffect her more then it will affect you.
My wifes perspective is that it took me thirty years to get to this point so maybe in twenty eight more years she will be at the same point I am today.

[kimdl93]

Assume nothing, prepare for everything. She may suspect, she may be oblivious, or in denial. Who knows, but I do think that the sooner you come out, the better.

[Maiko Newhalf]

One more thing, another question may be, "Why didn't you tell me before we were married?" For my wife, this was the biggest issue. That I had kept such a big secret from her for so long (in our case, four years dating and one year of marriage). She felt I had "trapped" her (by not giving her the choice about whether she wanted to marry a CDer) and wondered what other secrets I was keeping. It took a long time to rebuild her trust in me.

Thanks a lot for your advice, Jamie. You are a very kind and lovely lady. For me the "why not before" question is rather easier. I genuinely thought I can change after getting married. I was pretty confused at that time. In fact, since we started as close friends, I almost would tell her if we remained friends for a bit longer. Your situation is mostly what I want. I don't know if I want to dress in front of her because I have never done so in front of anyone... I would imagine myself being a bit uncomfortable to be full dressed before her.

How do I start that kind of conversation? What do you think is the best time? We were busy most of the time and rarely had much time of our own...


Hi! Just a note to comment that my wife is also totally straight but is very happy with Tina as her girlfriend. She and Tina do a lot of the things that I just can't stand doing in male mode, but Tina seems to enjoy (like chick flicks! They watch them and I just can't see the attraction in male mode!). So, when you do tell your wife, do make sure that she should understand that her basic world is not changing, that you are who you are, and that she's not about to lose her man. In my case I've made it clear to my wife that any time she wants her man, Tina must take second place. It hasn't happened often, but the times it has happened reinforces the strength of our bond.

For a dose of reality, be aware that Karren has a good point: prepare for the worst, but also prepare for the best, and expect reality to be somewhere in between.

Atually I prefer to be her man most of time. What I've been thinking is: if my crossdressing hurt my image (at least now a strong and confident husband) as her husband, I'd rather not do it in front of her. The worst I can think of is she won't accept at all and want a divorce. But I cannot imagine a rather ugly divorce because I think we'll remain good friends. You know, after all that's where we begin...


She likely suspects that something is amiss but is dismissing the possibility because it is not something that she is eagerly anticipating.

I would tell her soon if you can and prepare yourself first; be ready to answer all of her questions. Have you seen the Sticky at the top of this section, "How To Tell Your Partner"?

Good luck!

Yes Reine. That article is extermely helpful.


IShe is tolerant but not approving, (which sucks BTW)

Oops, that's one of my worst fear...

Is there a way to probe around the topic? I know I should think more about how it will affect her. But how would I know if I don't know what's her view point?

[GG Kathy]

Just remember to tell her you love her and that has not changed. Also it is better you tell her than she find out on her own. I'm a different case, after my ex husband, I was glad to find out the other woman in my SO's life was her. LOL. Don't forget she can join the site for support also

[Jenny Doolittle]

Rose,


I think the most important thing for your wife (I agree she does already know) is to read and understand that being a cross dresser is not weird or gross or any other negative thought that has been used by bigoted uneducated people over the years. She needs to have an open mind, perhaps come in to this room and converse with other wives.

I wish you well and hope you can educate her with the truth.

Jenny

[Annaliese]

My wife knows, and she will make the same comments, if there is a CD or a TS on Television, she will say that is sick or weird, even if I am siting next to her in a skirt and a nice top.

[JamieG]

Is there a way to probe around the topic? I know I should think more about how it will affect her. But how would I know if I don't know what's her view point?

Are the two of you supportive of LGBT issues? You could start to educate yourself more and discuss what you learned with her. After a conversation or two about the L,G, and B, you could bring up the T. Make sure to mention the difference between transexuals and crossdressers, and that most crossdressers are straight and many are married. Her reaction could give you a good idea of where you are starting from. Be prepared: if she suspects you are a CD, she might come right out and ask if you are. I would recommend that you don't lie if the question comes up, and it may help to prepare an answer beforehand.

Another option is to watch Ru Paul's Drag Race or Drag U with her (on Logo / VH1). Lot's of straight people watch the shows, and its a non-threatening way to learn about drag queens. If she finds the queens entertaining, it less likely that she will be adverse to crossdressers, who are (usually) not so over-the-top.

[Maiko Newhalf]

So many nice suggestions here. I'll need to educate myself more. The thing is whatever I learnt I need to translate them to Chinese. Not a trivial task. Talk about "lost in translation".


Are the two of you supportive of LGBT issues? You could start to educate yourself more and discuss what you learned with her. After a conversation or two about the L,G, and B, you could bring up the T. Make sure to mention the difference between transexuals and crossdressers, and that most crossdressers are straight and many are married. Her reaction could give you a good idea of where you are starting from. Be prepared: if she suspects you are a CD, she might come right out and ask if you are. I would recommend that you don't lie if the question comes up, and it may help to prepare an answer beforehand.

Another option is to watch Ru Paul's Drag Race or Drag U with her (on Logo / VH1). Lot's of straight people watch the shows, and its a non-threatening way to learn about drag queens. If she finds the queens entertaining, it less likely that she will be adverse to crossdressers, who are (usually) not so over-the-top.

Got it. Ru Paul's Drag Race -- sounds like a good show. :)

[St3ffy]

Mine knows,totally,even bought my wig for me.Although she is very protective of my going out to meet other cds.I guess, and rightfully so, worried about losing me to someone.I dont think she understands that i dont want a substitute.I guess bisexuality is very "selfish"? Thnx for listening

Ru paul's drag race is definitely a fun and informative show......a must see.......:thumbsup:

[Jessica86]

Your wife knows. For what its worth, you look very good too! She will be surprised. Even if she knows you are doing it, it is still different to hear it from you. I know when I told my wife, we had a roller coaster. She accepted, then didn't, and now helps me do it. She has never switched back. Its just the confirmation. Kinda like the first time you tell your partner you love them. They know you do before you say it, but it still means so much when you do. It sounds like she will be accepting, but give her some time after telling her, even if she says she is fine with it. That will give her time to come up with questions. There will be a ton of them. But, from what I've experienced and seen on this site, most partners are very accepting as long as you come forward about it. Good luck with it, and don't be nervous. Talk about it. She may laugh at it, or even cry. Just assure her you will always be the man she loves. Lol...my wife has asked me probably fifty times if I wanted a sex change. Nope. Answer stays the same. Just be ready for some weird ones.