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Deborah_UK
10-02-2005, 04:19 PM
I guess that because I'm prepared to sit here and type away I'm unlikely to do it. But there are times, and right now is one of them, where I feel that life just isn't worth it. I hate living as the guy that the world knows me as and I can't see how I can transition either.

My partner reckons she's psychic - but hasn't picked up on my feelings.

I really can't see any point any more - what's the point of living a life that is a complete and utter sham.

In my heart of hearts I know I won't top myself because I'm too much of a coward - but I just don't see the point of living any more.

Lauren_T
10-02-2005, 04:29 PM
Deborah, please tell me this, if you would, and I'm quite serious: do you really feel that there is nothing that gives you pleasure? In this wide world, is there no goal, no matter how slight, that you wish to attain?

Deborah_UK
10-02-2005, 04:31 PM
the only thing I want from my life is to be the woman I know that I am - and it just isn't going to happen

Lauren_T
10-02-2005, 04:44 PM
Well then it would seem we have two different models of who you are: your own, and what the rest of the world sees you as.

Taking you firstly; your very statement there includes an answer:

the only thing I want from my life is to be the woman I know that I am - and it just isn't going to happenBut you see, luv - you already are that woman! Why should you need validation from outside yourself to be sure of that fact? It's nice, we all like it, to be sure, but your innermost sense of who you know yourself to be comes before anything that others may think..

Wouldn't you agree with that?

Natalie x
10-02-2005, 04:58 PM
Oh, Lauren, I wish I had your ability to go straight to the heart of the matter. I can't speak for Deborah, but that was just what I needed. Thank you!

Lauren_T
10-02-2005, 05:07 PM
Oh, Lauren, I wish I had your ability to go straight to the heart of the matter. I can't speak for Deborah, but that was just what I needed. Thank you!

No, Natalie, thank you... I'm fully aware that I appear to some (who have made snap prejudgments without bothering to find out where I'm actually coming from) to be an argumentative idler, but I am actually around to offer support (...yes, and sometimes, even constructive opposition...:eek: ) to those I feel I might be able to help in my admittedly limited way...

So don't bother thanking me, I like helping anyway... :o

Julie
10-02-2005, 05:13 PM
Deborah,

I know exactly how you feel. There isn't a day that's gone by for the entire 54+ years I've lived on this earth that I haven't wished something would happen to me and make me a girl. I lived how I thought I was supposed to and in a way that would make everyone happy. That didn't work. Sure there are fun and wonderful times but when I'm alone, which is a lot now that I'm divorced, these feelings overcome me and I don't know what to do.

Today alone I'll bet I've had at least a dozen moments that I was hit hard by the reality I will never be the woman I want to be. Depression sets in but I know I have to fight it. So I turn to denial. I think that maybe someday I'll just do it and begin my transition. At those times I focus on all I'd need to do to make that happen successfully even though I doubt I'd ever do it.

But there is always something to look forward to. Last night I felt there might really be a possibility I will find that special woman who not only will accept me for who I am but will be an active participant. I was talking to this girl I've known a while and found out her marriage is failing. When I told her I was divorced she seemed to perk up. And she's only known me dressed. It's things like that that keep me going. You need to focus on the positives too.

Another thing I do is read books that help with a positive mental attitude. Books like "See You At The Top" and "The Magic Of Thinking Big" are amazingly helpful with keeping a solid PMA. When the divorce and being outed and my son shutting me out of his life was too much to handle I turned to "The Zen Path Through Depression". It didn't take long for my attitude to turn around. I was recommended to read "Buddhism, Plain And Simple" and it really clicked with me and helped me see how important it is to keep your mind free of negative clutter and how easy it is to do. You just have to keep at it.

The problem with suicide is it is a totally selfish thing to do. The only person you are thinking about is you. Anyone on this earth can get down. All they have to do is focus on all the problems they have and forget all the beautiful people in their lives. You need to focus on them.

When I began my transition last November I thought this would solve all my problems. What it did was create even bigger ones I wasn't prepared for. When my son saw me dressed he lost it. I told him this is how I'm going to live my life so he'd better get used to it. Wrong way to go about it. That marked the day he stopped talking to me. After a lot of soul searching I realized I had a committment to him and my other kids to be their dad. I thought about what it would have been like if my dad transitioned. Even though I would understand a lot more than my son ever will, I still would have felt a horrible loss had my dad done that. That's when I realized I can't transition.

There are other ways of dealing with your situation. When I began HRT I felt wonderful. When I decided not to transition I continued with the HRT. I had to have some femaleness about me. I've gone on and off it ever since, depending on what's going on in my life. It's a low dose and really has little effect on me physically but it gives me peace of mind. At times, when dressed, I wonder if I look more female because of it. I really don't know but I choose to believe yes.

Stay with us and keep talking this out. You'll see that suicide isn't the answer. Even though you feel you'd never do it, it's so depressing just thinking about it. You need to focus on all the positives you've had in your life. Once a friend pointed that out to me I thought I really have had a good life. I was also reminded just how strong I am for having done so well while coping with this never ending feeling about being born in the wrong body. That was a pretty good feeling. The same can be said about you.

I hope you will open up to us either here or through PMs. I know you will do well if you do. Take extra special care and remember, God don't make junk!

Lauren_T
10-02-2005, 05:23 PM
I guess that because I'm prepared to sit here and type away I'm unlikely to do it. But there are times, and right now is one of them, where I feel that life just isn't worth it. I hate living as the guy that the world knows me as and I can't see how I can transition either.Deborah, I excerpted that bit to focus on it.

I'd like to ask you to help us out here; please share with us what, exactly, are the things that you feel are preventing you from transitioning?

Oftimes there are creative ways to get around what we all, in certain mental states, tend to perceive as being 'insurmountable' barriers...

Khriss
10-02-2005, 07:07 PM
hmm ...the Army's got a handbook..how to do such things in a more "proper manner".. check it out eh ??...

Ibuki_Warpetal
10-02-2005, 07:22 PM
Think it through. There is no coming back from the other side and if you are truly prepared for the ultimate sacrifice you might as well risk everything living life by your terms. Maybe it's time to put it all on the line emerge from your cacoon.

Death is better met with no regrets.

Toyah
10-02-2005, 07:34 PM
Hun this may not help but it is the truth, I have been through the rocky road you describe, maybe for different reasons. It is rare that I feel that life is worth it or that I contribute something to it, there is only one thing that keeps me going and that is there are always people out there that love and apreciate you and ending things will not make things better. There is always hope always new things to look foreward to so hang in there it will get better trust me:hugs:

MandyTS
10-02-2005, 07:42 PM
I love life, and I have a hard time understanding why someone would attempt suicide, or even want to kill themselves. I have been exactly where you are, I am a women inside stuck in a 6'6" body. I hate my body and almost everyday I wished someone would take the "male part" alway and make me a woman. It really though helps that I am 23 years old and have my entire future ahead of me.

I think every TS person has throught about some form of suicide sometime. For me it was distroying my life so I could be forced to realize that I can not live this way. I would rather for example be giving a life sentence in jail vs commit suicide... I am still alive.

Don't worry, we all get depressed sometimes, I am that way today and have been for the last few months. Sometimes the only way to bring what you are into life is to physically take a chance and follow you heart and dreams... it is the only way!

Sierra
10-02-2005, 08:52 PM
Life gets tougher each day,its a struggle and a fight.But to give up is not fair to those in our lives and would ruin and hurt more lives than the we may realize.I meet disaproveal every where I go[even here].As many consider me a "*******".Love is what keeps us going ...and not thinking of ourselves too much.Then we can love ourselves too because were not as bad as the world thinks we are and keep posting to help us understand more about whats getting you down.You can get through it and be a happy person and do ask us to talk you out of it, when its around.

GypsyKaren
10-03-2005, 08:59 AM
Hey Deborah,

Well, I'm not gonna try to sugarcoat things. Life sucks, it's tough and it keeps getting tougher. There's nothing fair about it, or we all wouldn't have been born wrong in the first place. I'm pushing 53 now and I keep waiting for things to let up, but they never do.

That being said, it could be worse, a lot worse. I've thought about cashing in my chips many times over the years, and I'm glad I didn't. As screwed up as things are for me, I do see that I have many things to live for and be grateful for. If you feel that you are a woman inside, then be grateful for that. It took me 40 years to accept that, many never do, so you're one up on things.

You have to learn to love yourself AS IS. No amount of hormones or surgery can change how you feel about yourself, only how you look on the outside. Wish it wasn't so, but it's what you are inside that counts. As bad as you feel, there must be some good in your life. You have friends here who care, so many people don't have that, so to me that makes you special. Try to look for the good in life, it's out there. Love yourself, because you deserve it.

GypsyKaren

Emily Ann Brown
10-03-2005, 11:29 AM
I guess it's up to me to be the hardcase. Dear, you have two options....kill yourself or get on with it. Your inner self has already told you she wants to live. So you have one option left....GET ON WITH IT. I understand hurt and pain. But I only got to feeling better when I focused on things besides MY hurt and MY pain. You have a beautiful opportunity to throw your arms around a few new members and help them to feel better about themselves while seeing how important you really are to the community at large. Then suddenly you will realize your life has value and you want to do it some more. What you want is to be a woman.....I often am the most "woman" when I'm in drab being a loving mother or sister to my "family" over the phone or internet. Don't sell yourself and your life short dear.


Emily Ann

Krissi
10-03-2005, 12:32 PM
I had a cousin that I grew up with that was just a few years younger than me kill himself when he was 18. Its been 6 years and this one tragic moment, the one tragic decision still haunts not only my family, but the small community that I'm from. I'm sure he had his reasons, I don't know if he had issues about sexuality or dressing or just school/work stress what to do once Highschool is over. And all this time later, I don't know, no one does. I gave the eulogy at his funeral, as I have at all the family funerals the past few years. Believe me, talking about my 97 yo Grandmother was easy she had lived a full life. My 51 year old Uncle was easier cause there was a cause. Standing in front of a room that was filled with teenagers looking for comfort and answers, looking into my Aunt's eyes as she cried, my Uncle one of the strongest men I know still to this day, having to say anything that would comfort them is a moment locked in my mind and will be forever.

I know you have to feel lonely and dissappointed that you can never be a woman. Even though I'm married with an accepting wife and I have some of those same feelings. No matter what money or family problems I face I know that there is one route I can never take. Because I carry a scar, a scar from a gunshot wound that happened on the other side of town a long time ago. My question to anyone thinking of suicide is to ask yourself this, who will carry my scar? Find those people and talk to them, even if you can't tell them everything, start somewhere, connect with someone and ease the pressure. I wish Ryan had, and I wish that everyday.

Julie York
10-03-2005, 03:48 PM
Hmmm.....I don't think it would be a good idea and neither do you.

There'd be a Deborah shaped hole left in people's lives .....with nothing to fill it. That would make a lot of people feel worse than you do.

Deborah_UK
10-04-2005, 04:09 AM
As I said at the start of the thread, I probably wouldn't take any action. But it doesn't stop the feelings of utter helplessness and worthlessness.

I thank you for the kind words of support, and also the "tough love" approach too.

I won't go into why I can't transition at this point, perhaps I'll talk about it when I feel more positive about things.

Krissi, I too know the pain suicide causes, I had a close neighbour kill himself, and the bewilderment and sadness that it left behind is something I wouldn't want to put my family through - my mum has only recently lost my dad after 54 years of marriage. She misses him so much, to lose her son, especially in such a selfish act would be the cruellest act.

I am a manic depressive, and when I posted the other day I was in the lowest of troughs, but once more I came through it.

Yes, I still feel that my life as it is is pointless and an utter sham, but it is life.

I'm sorry to have taken up your time and appreciate the time and thoughts that most of you put into your responses to my initial post.

I have known that my mind didn't match my body since I was 6, I'm nearly 50 now. So if I've coped this long I guess a few more years won't go amiss.

I know I'll feel just as low as I did the other day, but as long as I can express those feelings with people who know what it is to feel this way, then that support will see me through.

Thank you.

Debs

TGMarla
10-06-2005, 07:42 AM
Deborah, please don't. Suicide leaves behind wreckage with other people that you cannot imagine unless someone close to you has also done this. Your parents, your siblings, and your friends will be forever changed for the worse. It will destroy a beautiful part of their lives.

My wife's son killed himself. She's devastated. Her spirit is destroyed. Please don't do it. Ever.

oztallulah
10-06-2005, 07:54 AM
Deborah, Please, please, please, do not talk like that. YUou are far too precious, and gorgeous to do that sort of thing. I would personally feel devastated. Even thoug I do not know you, you are beautiful. Buy a plane ticket to Australia, come and spend some time with me. But never, please never get to that stage.

Hugs Andrea.

DonnaT
10-06-2005, 12:41 PM
It's good to know that you'd never do it Deborah.

Just remember, though, there are always options as long as one is still breathing. And one will never come close to their desired goal, nor experience the joy in the journey, by killing one's self.

Deborah
10-06-2005, 02:35 PM
Already tried it once. Evidently it didn't work lol. No i'm not doing that again. Very painful. http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/images/smilies/eek.gif

mand
10-10-2005, 10:39 AM
I guess that because I'm prepared to sit here and type away I'm unlikely to do it. But there are times, and right now is one of them, where I feel that life just isn't worth it. I hate living as the guy that the world knows me as and I can't see how I can transition either.

My partner reckons she's psychic - but hasn't picked up on my feelings.

I really can't see any point any more - what's the point of living a life that is a complete and utter sham.

In my heart of hearts I know I won't top myself because I'm too much of a coward - but I just don't see the point of living any more.

Hello Deborah:) I understand fully and totally how you feel love.
I feel that my life is just a waste, a false life. I don't/won't/can't live as a man anymore, but people just see me as a guy dressed as a woman and that hurts so much.
Will I ever go towards full transition ? I would like too but that still could never give me what I really desire, to be a real woman, to be a mother.

Deborah, you are not a coward, we continue to live life knowing that we are so wrong being in a male body, but we still carry on. We endure the pain, hurt and tears, we suffer this life and try to keep those closest to us happy................well as happy as can be. You, I and all others like us are not cowards love, just keep being brave and make the best of it ;)


love mand xxx:)

Lauren_T
10-10-2005, 11:19 AM
Deborah, revisiting your original post, I was drawn to the phrase you used,
...a life that is a complete and utter sham.
...
I personally have had to cope with precisely that sentiment all my life; it can still occur to me from time to time, but I can always remind myself that we - meaning humans, not just CDs or depressives or any other subgroup - go from billions of years of unconscious nonexistence to a few dozens of years of conscious existence (life) and then back to billions of years of unconscious nonexistence. So while we're in that microscopic sliver of being alive and aware that we are, it just makes no sense whatsoever to not extract what pleasure we can, within the boundaries of what we are each capable of. Rarely can any of us be exactly what we wish we could be, nor can we do but a fraction of the things we would like to do.

The key, the factor that virtually every happy, well-adjusted person comes to possess, whether they seek it out, find it by accident or are born with it is to be found in a bit of cliché, used most famously by AA (remember, clichés are clichés because they're so obviously true...)

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

I personally am not religious, nor an AAer, nor anything else of the sort. But diligently following that simple, logical, sensible prayer can make life, at the very least, worth living, and at best can lead one to realize that Heaven, Hell, and all imaginable points between do exist, here, on this Earth, in this life. And that you are the one, the only one, who can choose at just what point on that continuüm you will spend your allotted time on this planet.

When you lose sight of that, it is because you have allowed emotion to override reason. And if you think a bit about it, it should be apparent that that is the root cause of most human misery. :)