New twist on an old coversation.

[patti1569]

Today my wife spoke those dreaded words “I’ve been meaning to talk to you”. I’ve learned to control my panic when she says this, but the following conversations have been historically bad. She knows about my dressing and tries to be accepting but does struggle with it. I just got my first wig last week, which she suggested I get, but I was sure that she was going to say that it was too much for her to accept. I held my breath as she continued: “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about your skin care”. Big exhale and huge smile! I had asked her to buy me some moisturizer a while back which she did. I have never used any products to take care of my skin before, but since we agreed that I could start wearing makeup I figured I better start taking care of the canvas (haha). I’ve been asking her subtle questions about what she does to ease into the topic. Last night she shared her eye cream with me which was a nice surprise. This morning she suggested a new cleanser she bought with me in mind:)! She also gave me tips on how and when to take care of my face. Wow, what a great feeling. She still amazes me, and gives me more and more confidence to be, and express, who I am. It’s been a really long journey to this point, but if there is one thing I could say, it is that slow and steady progress at HER pace has made all the difference.

[daviolin]

Thats wonderful Patti. Baby steps, your making progress. I know is very slow at my house,for excepptance. Daviolin

[Cynthia Anne]

I commend you! Now I'll commend you even more if you buy her a dozen roses and take her out to a nice meal! Hugs!

[suchacutie]

I have a very soft place in my heart for the times my wife has spent educating Tina about all the things Tina never learned because I grew up as a male. From handing me my first mascara and eyeliner (in public) and saying, "Tina will need these now" to suggesting that a facial would be something that I'd love, to all the detailed discussions about what it's like to grow up as a girl, to....well, you get the idea. We were married for 32 years before Tina, had a great relationship, but never did all these topics come up in our many discussions.

I know there are many downsides to the bi-genderedness we have, but the closeness with our spouses that can develop specifically because of our feminine selves is precious beyond measure.

Tina

[ReineD]

That's wonderful, Patti, congratulations! :)

I smiled when I read your opening remark. In my relationship, I sense that when I say, "I have a question for you", it produces similar results as your, "I've been meaning to talk to you". It's got to the point where I hate to cause such stress, so I often avoid asking the question altogether. lol

Why is it that many guys just dread having heart-to-hearts, or answering certain questions with their SOs? :strugglin

[patti1569]

Why is it that many guys just dread having heart-to-hearts, or answering certain questions with their SOs? :strugglin

Reine, in my case the dread comes from the fact that the statement "I've been meaning to talk to you" began conversations that led to our separations over dressing. I love having heart to hearts but sometimes I think I open up to much for her comfort level.

[ReineD]

Oh, I'm sorry. :sad:

It's just that even when the consequences weren't so severe, I've noticed similar reactions. Even among my sons with their gfs. They just hate to have those "relationship" talks.

[kimdl93]

Why is it that many guys just dread having heart-to-hearts, or answering certain questions with their SOs? :strugglin

It could be because we're (as a gender) rather defensive, with a tendency to assume that if "we need to talk" its going to be a scolding or worse. Or maybe we're feeling guilty and expect to be busted!

[patti1569]

Oh, I'm sorry. :sad:

No need to be sorry :). I knew what you were talking about ;).

[patti1569]

It could be because we're (as a gender) rather defensive, with a tendency to assume that if "we need to talk" its going to be a scolding or worse. Or maybe we're feeling guilty and expect to be busted!

I've gotta agree too. I do tend to be defensive. Especially when it comes to my dressing.

[ReineD]

I've gotta agree too. I do tend to be defensive. Especially when it comes to my dressing.

It may not have been your original to discuss this, but I think it is SO important that I just can't not say anything. :)

I've noticed a degree of defensiveness too and I can certainly understand where it comes from, if most CDers have felt from earliest memory they had to protect their secrets at all cost, else be ostracized from their male peers or punished by their parents.

But, after you (and other CDs) are in a relationship with an adult woman who loves you, it's just not the same (assuming the wife is relatively open to the idea) as the horrible consequences that can be feared in childhood or early adulthood, and the old defensiveness can seem as if there is something you wish to hide, almost as if you don't want to share a certain part of yourself with your wife. If that makes sense. So the wife can imagine all sorts of things that aren't true, one of them being that she simply doesn't measure up to your ideal of what a woman should be. At least, this is the impression that I've gotten earlier on when I sensed there were things that my SO didn't want to talk about.

Hope you don't mind that I mention this, and again Patti, I'm so happy that things are moving ahead well in your marriage. :hugs:

[Phylis Nicole Schuyler]

ReineD;
I did not share my crossdressing with my SO for 15 years because when my previous 2 wifes found out they used it against me. Physically, sexually and mentally abused and humiliated. Why did I let it happen? I was taught that you do anything to keep a marrige together. I'm presently being treated for PTSD from those incidents along with Nam. I hid from my SO because I got burnt each time they found out. My SO is a very caring, loving and protective women when it comes to me except my CDing. A couple of years into our relationship she found some of my clothes and sked me if I was Bisexual or Gay. I went in defensive mode and not only said no but said I'd get rid of them. I finally came out to her with the help of my therapist, but she still can't get her head around it and thinks I'm border-line Bi or Gay still. Again I told her I was not but that crossdressing was something that is a part of me. I promissed that I'd do it when she wasn't around and that if she had any questions I'd try to answer all of them.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that many of us have suffered because of our CDing so that it is a defensive mechanism to think our SOs are about to dump on us. Thus the somewaht or totally defensive postion in our attitude or thoughts. Unless our SO is able to understand why we crossdress, I think we all are apprehensive when we hear "we need to talk", and other such statements. Just giving my understanding as to why I go into a panic when I hear, "we have to discuss things." When I explained to my wife that when she said the phrase, "we need to talk" was button that didn't need to be pushed because I go into the OH SH*T!! mode. Now she says "we need to discuss things", which brings about a "what did I do wrong" thought. I know it is just a knee jerk (emphasis on JERK) reaction but its there. Sorry about being so verbose.