I just don't know who I am anymore...

[Allyson Michelle]

Why does this have to be so confusing? Some days I am perfectly content being a man, then others I'm on the brink of suicide because of my gender. It's becoming highly frustrating and I just want to get rid of one feeling or the other. Is anybody else experiencing this, or know what I should do about it?

[Steph.TS]

I look at it this way a flair up, some days my gender dysphoria is under control, still wishing but content, then there are days where it's the #1 thing on my mind, and I'd just love to wake up as a woman tomorrow. I don't think it's contradictory, we just need to keep ourselves in check when the GD is more out of control, on those days I put my mind to good use and try to work through perceived problems or sort out what steps I need to do or how to do them.

[Jay Cee]

I've experienced the confused feeling for the past few months, intermittently. It became especially strong after my first TG counselling appointment.

Honestly, when I am feeling confused about my gender identity, the best thing I can do for myself is to keep busy. It takes my thoughts off of my problems. Then I can deal with them in counselling during my next session.

[Eryn]

Is anybody else experiencing this, or know what I should do about it?

Oh, just about every day, though I don't think my swings are quite as wide as yours.

Yes, it's frustrating. I liken it to being forbidden to eat chocolate in a world where half the people are continuously munching on Hershey bars and saying how good they taste. Worse, they can't even understand or acknowledge my frustration.

I don't have a good solution. In fact, I don't know precisely where I am going in my own journey. All I can suggest is to do something nice for yourself and consider that tomorrow is another day with its own possibilities.

[Aprilrain]

Yes, what you describe is the essence of gender dysphoria. Seek counseling from a qualified gender therapist. Find a local TG support group.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

hang in there allyson...

be good to yourself and quietly plan your future...

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Allyson, I'm really sorry that you are going through this emotional roller-coaster at the moment. Have you got anyone you can talk this through with in real life (e.g. a therapist or a support group)?

I haven't been through the same swings that you describe - once the dysphoria overwhelmed me it just wouldn't go away until I did something - but since starting to transition I definitely have down days where I wonder WTH I am doing with my life and who I think I'm kidding. They are no fun, but I am lucky because I have people around me who care enough to remind me what I have achieved so far since transition and that the ultimate goal can become a reality in my life given time.

I wish I could just reach out and give you a :bighug:

[Frances]

I felt like that all the time until I transitioned. Now I get up in the morning and worry about what I have to do, not my gender. Once you commit to transtioning it should go all away.

[Inna]

I am there or maybe perhaps a bit further, what has happened to me was the realization that in fact both parts are intricately intertwined and not separable. Since I have an understanding of this phenomena, I am able to go step by step, day after day in the direction of balance. It is this balance which brings on a calm and gives a rise to true self. We can not amputate nor dispose of one or the other, believe me I have learned through a painful, demonic experience I don't ever want to revisit.
Only then the experience of who you are, a composite of everything, will be truthful.

Besides, your beauty is intoxicating, seems that the man within is purely in the memories, those precious and those you rather forget but which are the makeup of your entire being.
all my love hon, Inna.

[Kokoro]

It's part and parcel of gender dysphoria. I am the same, at one time it can be as clear as day that I am a girl and I defiantly should transition, another I'll be questioning what I am and the final one is feeling completely male without little to no want to be a girl. Any of these episodes can last from a couple of days to a couple of months. Ive just gone from 3 weeks of 99% confident I want to transition and become a girl to 3 days of not being sure, the last 2 days feeling male and today I'm swinging back towards wanting to be female.

It's the main symptom of gender dysphoria. Do your best to manage it and keep pushing forward with a therapist.

[Hope]

It sounds pretty typical to me.

I didn't have it quite to the extent you describe, but the waining and waxing of feelings is pretty typical.

If you haven't seen a therapist yet - it is past time to do so.

If it provides you with a little hope - the back and forth swings have ended for me - I have no doubt or question about who and what I am. And I have no desire to be male - ever. I'm not always sure how to best proceed - but that is a different issue.

Working with a therapist and getting serious about testing the waters and finding out that this IS do-able helps a lot. Also the hormones. Thank God for hormones.

[Aprilrain]

Thank God for hormones.

Amen sister.........

[Kelsy]

If you were to use a word to describe my life lt would be - confused - my dysphoria also came in
ever strengthening waves. hormones have smoothed things out so I can atleast plan and look to a future.

[Mary Lee]

Kokoro,
Sounds like my situation.