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View Full Version : Meditations, revelations, and sweet silence



DanteDonovan
05-31-2011, 07:57 PM
Silence of my brain constantly going on and on. It finally SHUT UP *_*

Here has been my life for the past 3 months. I reclused myself from internet and such, since I needed to work on myself as well my job had much stress going on. It was sleeping and work, cleaning, sleeping, you get the idea.

I was seeing a therapist for the last while. It only took 6 visits for her to say I was good to go. I must say by the 4th visit I was getting a bit anxious.

First. I was pretty damn sure, and quickly was positive, that the therapist hadn't seen someone like me before. The FTM who wore eyeliner. Colored his hair and had hairspray. Clothes always some type of cool fashion set of the likes she hadn't seen much of before(if at all).

She was confused with me. She kept digging facts(as is her job) but I knew it was to "find me out" on not being trans, but misguided, because let's face it most FTM don't want anything girly at all about them to show. She also couldn't understand on how when she asked"but if people walk pass you when you wear certain clothes and makeup, and think you're a girl, won't you be upset?" :confused: My response "I like these things and will not drop everything of who and what I am, just to be visually seen as a man by every existing human in this world. If a couple people think I am a girl, then so be it, that's just them. Can't get everything you want in life."

I guess for ones like me, the barrier breaking is a bit more difficult. People can understand man. Understand gay man. Understand flamer and flamboyant man. Understand transman. But, transman that happily uses effeminate products/clothing, now that doesn't happen...Only girls do that. Born a girl, therefore I'm not allowed to be FTM and like my "girly" side. Born male, it happens. Born girl, well that's straight girl. No WAY your trans...

So, the therapist had her work cut out for her. I'm glad I was able to be a learning experience for her. Helps that she said I was well-spoken and very smart. So she didn't have to deal with a learning experience from hell. lol I am happy that she slowly opened herself to a new thing that exists. Though may be a bit more rare, but something to expect in the future.

That said, made me think, that some transmen put a bit too much pressure on themselves or other coming out/transitioning transmen. I know society has harder time with FTM since being a tomboy is normal, we have to go extra lengths to get the point across. I see a decent amount of FTM that complain about the male and female stereotypes made for society, yet they are conforming themselves to the very male stereotype they dislike. If you fit a stereotype, then cool. But don't change yourself to fit into what you think you're supposed to be just to be accepted. By society, or other transmen's standards. Do this and you'll still be unhappy, because you'll still be pretending.

If you like tight clothes, the makeup, snazzy shoes, nail polish, accessories. Then take it with you. Don't be ashamed. Don't think you can't be transmale because of it. That everything "girl" has to go. Be whoever the hell you are, wherever you are. If people give you crap for who you are, then you don't need them around.

I started hormone therapy on May 18th. Next shot is tomorrow.

Throughout these years of life, being who I truly am, while knowing I was FTM, was very confusing as well as hard on self-esteem at times. Hell knowing that some people won't take me seriously because I'm not the norm. That I'm some girl who doesn't know what she wants. For people who've known me before T. At one point in my life I had cleaned out my near entire wardrobe and replace it with more "manly" clothing. I felt so uncomfortable and out of place. I realized that though it may be difficult for me at times, that I need to stay who I am to be happy. Once this realization hit me, I was free of much stress.


Like what I put on my facebook share:

Had a great revelation the other day. In a few weeks now my voice will start changing. Talked to co-worker that a part of me is sad. Like saying goodbye to a good friend I've known all my life. But, a good sad. Knowing I still care about that being. I feel at peace knowing now that it was my shell I was stuck in that I truly hated. But spiritually, I have always loved myself. It's a great day to be me~:c9:

AllieSF
05-31-2011, 10:23 PM
Hi Dante, thanks for the interesting thread. I think that it takes courage to go against the flow. In your case, it is almost like double courage, one for the FtM transition and the second is for doing it with a feminine flare. I like it and applaud you. I met someone very much like you a couple of years ago. Believe me it was hard for me to adjust. Here I am a MtF TG/CD who tries very hard to always get the pronouns in the correct gender. Even with my special efforts I do slip up occasionally. Now with my friend, I was lost. No matter how hard I tried, my brain would mis-read that pretty fuchsia scarf, and out would come "she" or "her" when talking with others. Life is to be enjoyed, like stopping to smell the roses, and losing yourself in the myriad of colors in the rainbow. Gender bending like you do is to enjoy like a very special flavor of ice cream.

Areyan
06-01-2011, 01:08 AM
Dante, so good to see you here again. :D

thanks for coming back and sharing with us. i think you put it so well, your feelings about who you truly are. there are things i loved about her life that i'm bringing with me into the life i feel is right for me now. good on you for sticking to your guns about being who you are. we're not all binary/boxed/fixed human beings at all and it should be ok to be this without the pressure of the binary, i so hear you on that one.

i do find it so oddball and unfair that folks consider a flaming gay to be effeminate for a guy and yet if a trans man enjoys something considered more femme or too androgynous to be binary male then ya. the "you're not trans thing or you must still secretly want to remain a girl!" oh ya... i hear you.

it does take courage in this heinous world to come out and really be who we are sometimes because there are so many sad little people along the way who cannot handle your rainbow colour. i'm pleased you're getting treatments now and starting to feel good about yourself... i understand what you meant about loving yourself and who you have grown with in this way as well, thanks for the timely reminder for me in my own journey.

hope to see more of you if you're around. take care. :thumbsup:

Joanagreenleaf
06-01-2011, 03:08 AM
Thanks for the post. It was interesting in many ways.

The main thing, I think, about what you are saying is that everyone should be ABLE to pick and chose their likes and dislikes and live their own lives as they see fit.

All of us should support your pursuit of happiness with the same energy we pursue our own - maybe more, depending on how we're doing currently with our lives.

Without a healthy right to happiness, there won't be much chance of having any.

Fab Karen
06-03-2011, 07:49 PM
Cool. Regardless of gender/gender identity, in a way it's less stressful to be who you are as a person.

7sisters
06-03-2011, 07:54 PM
o god there you are. was trying to get in touch with you. O so that's what you've been up to. humm.... as long as you are happy who cares about the world.