DanteDonovan
05-31-2011, 07:57 PM
Silence of my brain constantly going on and on. It finally SHUT UP *_*
Here has been my life for the past 3 months. I reclused myself from internet and such, since I needed to work on myself as well my job had much stress going on. It was sleeping and work, cleaning, sleeping, you get the idea.
I was seeing a therapist for the last while. It only took 6 visits for her to say I was good to go. I must say by the 4th visit I was getting a bit anxious.
First. I was pretty damn sure, and quickly was positive, that the therapist hadn't seen someone like me before. The FTM who wore eyeliner. Colored his hair and had hairspray. Clothes always some type of cool fashion set of the likes she hadn't seen much of before(if at all).
She was confused with me. She kept digging facts(as is her job) but I knew it was to "find me out" on not being trans, but misguided, because let's face it most FTM don't want anything girly at all about them to show. She also couldn't understand on how when she asked"but if people walk pass you when you wear certain clothes and makeup, and think you're a girl, won't you be upset?" :confused: My response "I like these things and will not drop everything of who and what I am, just to be visually seen as a man by every existing human in this world. If a couple people think I am a girl, then so be it, that's just them. Can't get everything you want in life."
I guess for ones like me, the barrier breaking is a bit more difficult. People can understand man. Understand gay man. Understand flamer and flamboyant man. Understand transman. But, transman that happily uses effeminate products/clothing, now that doesn't happen...Only girls do that. Born a girl, therefore I'm not allowed to be FTM and like my "girly" side. Born male, it happens. Born girl, well that's straight girl. No WAY your trans...
So, the therapist had her work cut out for her. I'm glad I was able to be a learning experience for her. Helps that she said I was well-spoken and very smart. So she didn't have to deal with a learning experience from hell. lol I am happy that she slowly opened herself to a new thing that exists. Though may be a bit more rare, but something to expect in the future.
That said, made me think, that some transmen put a bit too much pressure on themselves or other coming out/transitioning transmen. I know society has harder time with FTM since being a tomboy is normal, we have to go extra lengths to get the point across. I see a decent amount of FTM that complain about the male and female stereotypes made for society, yet they are conforming themselves to the very male stereotype they dislike. If you fit a stereotype, then cool. But don't change yourself to fit into what you think you're supposed to be just to be accepted. By society, or other transmen's standards. Do this and you'll still be unhappy, because you'll still be pretending.
If you like tight clothes, the makeup, snazzy shoes, nail polish, accessories. Then take it with you. Don't be ashamed. Don't think you can't be transmale because of it. That everything "girl" has to go. Be whoever the hell you are, wherever you are. If people give you crap for who you are, then you don't need them around.
I started hormone therapy on May 18th. Next shot is tomorrow.
Throughout these years of life, being who I truly am, while knowing I was FTM, was very confusing as well as hard on self-esteem at times. Hell knowing that some people won't take me seriously because I'm not the norm. That I'm some girl who doesn't know what she wants. For people who've known me before T. At one point in my life I had cleaned out my near entire wardrobe and replace it with more "manly" clothing. I felt so uncomfortable and out of place. I realized that though it may be difficult for me at times, that I need to stay who I am to be happy. Once this realization hit me, I was free of much stress.
Like what I put on my facebook share:
Had a great revelation the other day. In a few weeks now my voice will start changing. Talked to co-worker that a part of me is sad. Like saying goodbye to a good friend I've known all my life. But, a good sad. Knowing I still care about that being. I feel at peace knowing now that it was my shell I was stuck in that I truly hated. But spiritually, I have always loved myself. It's a great day to be me~:c9:
Here has been my life for the past 3 months. I reclused myself from internet and such, since I needed to work on myself as well my job had much stress going on. It was sleeping and work, cleaning, sleeping, you get the idea.
I was seeing a therapist for the last while. It only took 6 visits for her to say I was good to go. I must say by the 4th visit I was getting a bit anxious.
First. I was pretty damn sure, and quickly was positive, that the therapist hadn't seen someone like me before. The FTM who wore eyeliner. Colored his hair and had hairspray. Clothes always some type of cool fashion set of the likes she hadn't seen much of before(if at all).
She was confused with me. She kept digging facts(as is her job) but I knew it was to "find me out" on not being trans, but misguided, because let's face it most FTM don't want anything girly at all about them to show. She also couldn't understand on how when she asked"but if people walk pass you when you wear certain clothes and makeup, and think you're a girl, won't you be upset?" :confused: My response "I like these things and will not drop everything of who and what I am, just to be visually seen as a man by every existing human in this world. If a couple people think I am a girl, then so be it, that's just them. Can't get everything you want in life."
I guess for ones like me, the barrier breaking is a bit more difficult. People can understand man. Understand gay man. Understand flamer and flamboyant man. Understand transman. But, transman that happily uses effeminate products/clothing, now that doesn't happen...Only girls do that. Born a girl, therefore I'm not allowed to be FTM and like my "girly" side. Born male, it happens. Born girl, well that's straight girl. No WAY your trans...
So, the therapist had her work cut out for her. I'm glad I was able to be a learning experience for her. Helps that she said I was well-spoken and very smart. So she didn't have to deal with a learning experience from hell. lol I am happy that she slowly opened herself to a new thing that exists. Though may be a bit more rare, but something to expect in the future.
That said, made me think, that some transmen put a bit too much pressure on themselves or other coming out/transitioning transmen. I know society has harder time with FTM since being a tomboy is normal, we have to go extra lengths to get the point across. I see a decent amount of FTM that complain about the male and female stereotypes made for society, yet they are conforming themselves to the very male stereotype they dislike. If you fit a stereotype, then cool. But don't change yourself to fit into what you think you're supposed to be just to be accepted. By society, or other transmen's standards. Do this and you'll still be unhappy, because you'll still be pretending.
If you like tight clothes, the makeup, snazzy shoes, nail polish, accessories. Then take it with you. Don't be ashamed. Don't think you can't be transmale because of it. That everything "girl" has to go. Be whoever the hell you are, wherever you are. If people give you crap for who you are, then you don't need them around.
I started hormone therapy on May 18th. Next shot is tomorrow.
Throughout these years of life, being who I truly am, while knowing I was FTM, was very confusing as well as hard on self-esteem at times. Hell knowing that some people won't take me seriously because I'm not the norm. That I'm some girl who doesn't know what she wants. For people who've known me before T. At one point in my life I had cleaned out my near entire wardrobe and replace it with more "manly" clothing. I felt so uncomfortable and out of place. I realized that though it may be difficult for me at times, that I need to stay who I am to be happy. Once this realization hit me, I was free of much stress.
Like what I put on my facebook share:
Had a great revelation the other day. In a few weeks now my voice will start changing. Talked to co-worker that a part of me is sad. Like saying goodbye to a good friend I've known all my life. But, a good sad. Knowing I still care about that being. I feel at peace knowing now that it was my shell I was stuck in that I truly hated. But spiritually, I have always loved myself. It's a great day to be me~:c9: