Disaster of epic proportions

[Julie Denier]

Well, I'm no longer in the closet.

My wife was supposed to be working all afternoon. She came back unexpectedly midday while I was working from home ... and dressed.

Stunned silence, then disbelief, then anger mixed with God knows how many other emotions. Not that I blame her, but I had hoped for a better way to eventually ease her into all this.

Crap ... not the way I wanted her to find out. Damn damn damn ...

I'm probably going to be laying low for a while.

Damn.

[Persephone]

Damn! Hope that it opens up the conversation and that it all works out for the best.

Thoughts are with you.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Philipa Jane]

Not a good way for the SO to find out.
Better to lay low than be laid to rest.
Good luck
PJ

[sandra-leigh]

Probably a great deal of shock.

[Leslie Langford]

Granted, this wasn't the best way to be "outed", Julie, but you're not the first and you won't be the last to be in this situation either.

Yes, best to lay low for a while until all of this sinks in with your wife and she is ready to talk to you about it. Use this time to prepare yourself fully for "The Talk" and have solid answers ready for the usual questions (Are you gay? Are you seeing other men? What is the extent of this and how long have you been doing it? Do you want to get a sex change and live as a woman? Why did you deceive me and try keep this from me for so long? Bottom line - you're not who I thought you were, and our marriage is built on a lie...)

There is a wealth of very useful information on this topic contained here in these forums which you can access using the search function and tailor to your own specific needs. The situation is salvageable, but it will get a whole lot worse before it gets better because it is so emotionally charged. Be patient with your wife as this clearly hit her like a ton of bricks and is a life-altering experience just like a job loss, divorce, death in the family etc., and much healing needs to take place now. You will also find that the biggest obstacle now is not so much the crossdressing itself as the lack of trust which now needs to be rebuilt slowly and painfully.

But the good news is that your marriage can and will survive as long as it is built on a solid foundation otherwise...

Good luck, Julie - our thoughts are with you, and we're here for you whenever you need a sounding board or any other insight on how to cope with this situation...:hugs:

[prettytoes]

My wife found out by finding my clothes...I guess a little less traumatic than how your wife found out. She did ask all the questions that Leslie mentioned, and I answered them the best that I could. She has since done some research and reading, and things are pretty good...wait, things are really great between us. Our relationship has never been stronger. Every woman is differant, so I can't say that you will have the same positive outcome that I did. All I say is tell her the truth, and remind her of how much you love her, and that you will always be her man. I also got my wife a copy of "My Husband Wears My Clothes". She said it really helped her to begin to understand. She is still a little uncomfortable, so I don't dress all out in front of her. She is fine with painted toenails, panties 24/7, and women's workout shorts. She washes my sport bras and skirts, but I don't parade around in front of her in them. Good luck, I hope it works out for you like it did for me!

[Inna]

Hang in there baby, I got the feeling your life just begun :)

[Eryn]

Hi Julie,

Sorry to hear about the sudden revelation.

Her needs now are information and time.

She needs correct information to replace the false information that she has received from popular culture. You know the questions she will have and it's time for frank, direct answers to them. Don't let the silent period go too long as misinformation tends to have a corrosive effect on a relationship.

She will also need time to wrap herself around this new information. This means weeks or months. She'll want to talk about it and you should help her whenever possible.

The important thing is that you are the same person you have always been. She has discovered an added dimension of you that isn't illegal or destructive in any way. She has a choice to make. She can indulge in the emotional "punish him for perceived deception" route or she can decide rationally to consider this a bump in the road and continue to build and strengthen your relationship. You have some say in her decision, but it must be handled gently and with great regard for her feelings.

Oh, and when she is ready, encourage her to join the forum herself. It puts a human face on CDing and also provides her with support from GGs who know quite a lot about CDers.

I'm hoping for the best here, please keep us informed.

Hugs, Eryn

[mariannecd]

Good advice on here, Leslie is sooooo right. My wife and I have discussed this in great detail and one of the issues woman have is the fact that a secret has been kept and that affects the trust between two people - this is often the factor which cracks up the marriage (what other secrets are there.....etc).

I guess one thing holds true - if one person can accept another for who they are - whatever that may be, then they are your true soulmate. If they can't, then perhaps something more traumatic can work out well in the end........

[Karren H]

OMG.... that brings back a flood of memories... I'm so sorry... Mine didn't see me dressed at least... And there was no shocking silence... Lots of crying and screaming and carrying on..... She was pretty upset too..... Hope it works out at least as good as mine has....

[NyssaF]

Make a suggestion right away that you are willing to go to counselling/therapy. This will probably make her feel a *lot* better about your willingness to work with her to save things. And if you do careful research on therapists, the official outcome of the therapy will almost definitely be "it's an okay thing for him to do."

[DonnaT]

Good luck Julie!

Think about your answers to questions she may have. Especially any with regard to trust and honesty.

[VioletJourney]

Ouch! Sorry to hear that, I don't have any advice to give since I've never even been on a date, let alone married, but I'm with you in spirit, if that helps!
*big e-hug*
I'd say JustMe's advice is best, if you offer to go to therapy with her right away then she'll know you're willing to confront the issue and improve your relationship.

[BeckyAnderson]

Hi Julie,

I know exactly how you feel. My wife found out in very similar circumstances. It might help you a bit to read my diary (on my web site, Becky's World (http://home.comcast.net/%7Eiamacd/enter.htm)) to see how my wife and I traveled down the road you are about to embark on. I sure wish you well and my thoughts are with you. Hugs, Becky

[Joanagreenleaf]

Boy, did you miss the easy boat on this one!

My first wife, when I told her I had something serious to talk to her about, cracked up laughing: "Is that all? I thought somebody had died!"

Your wife will probably roll up a newspaper and hit you with it, but you deserve it for a bit - upsetting her like that. Just imagine her thinking, "Who the hell is that in MY house?"

Own up to it, admit you were a dope, and then take the high road as your best course: as noted, it's not illegal, probably not fattening, and, won't cause you to go blind.

Nobody died - somebody got upset and somebody else (you) is very embarrassed.

Pay the piper and get on with life.

Next time, just tell the woman what you're up to when you get a "notion."

You'll eventually earn her trust back.

But, you will have to earn it....

[Julie Denier]

Thanks for all your support. Things are not going well. This revelation has kicked up a lot of old dust. Almost more so than the actual dressing, my wife is more angry about me buying so many things behind her back. And I do have a few pricy hobbies, and I tend to be a pack rat, so these are all legitimate beefs that I probably haven't done enough in the past to remedy. She even said it would be easier to take if I had an affair ... was supposed to leave this weekend on an extended business trip/vacation with my wife and our 7-year-old daughter, and now even that might be up in the air. And it looks like a purge is going to be necessary to help mend fences, since the spending is a key issue here and much of my stuff is still returnable. There are some other issues between us in which my wife has been unwilling to share blame, but today was pretty much all my doing, and it's being magnified by these other issues.

[NicoleScott]

Just "going to counseling" has a snag: if you go in hopes of gaining her acceptance, and she goes hoping for your "cure", counseling is doomed to failure. Discuss WHY you want to go, and agree on a goal (like saving the marriage).
I prefer the term counseling to therapy. Therapy implies trying to heal some affliction (your crossdressing).

[sissystephanie]

All the more reason to tell "before" you get married!! I do hope you can talk your way out of the problem you are in, but you know you asked for it!! As others have already said, counseling or therapy might help both of you!! I would agree with Nicole's advice also!!

[Maria in heels]

Julie...I hope that everything works out..please try to give her as much space as possible..its a shocking thing right now....

[Pinky188]

Ouch! I hope you two work through this! Sorry it happen that way.

[SherriePall]

Julie -- So sorry to hear that this happened to you. My "outing" wasn't as traumatic as I blurted it out to her nearly 25 years into our marriage. Wasn't a pretty sight for a while. Now, it's kind of strange. We don't really talk about it straight out, but she does my laundry and unmentionables, allows me time when she's not around (and, in the past, when she was in the house), and gives me space for some of my things.
I hope and pray all calms down for you. My only advice is to keep letting her know that you love her.
Take care

[Anna B]

Hi Julie, sorry, in a way, to hear your wife caught you. Its a constant fear of mine, which is why I'm always looking out the front window when dressed, and have an escape route (clothes in the bathroom for the "I was taking a shower" excuse, etc.)

Seriously, I hope she calms down, and I also hope that she comes to accept your "hobby".

Best Wishes, and e-Hugs,

Anna x

[Lori B]

hang in there kiddo.................

[TGMarla]

Ouch! Everybody's worst-case scenario. Way to lose the lottery, Julie! I hope time heals all of this for you two.

Well, start by doing something nice for her....but don't buy her flowers. I'm not a woman, but my experience is that women like flowers a whole lot more for good things, not bad things.

Sigh.....well, what are you gonna do? One foot in front of the other, one day at a time. Be there for her, whether she wants you there or not.

[joanna4]

I'm so sorry to hear that Julie. Its a good idea to lie low for the time being

[Tanya C]

Girlfriend, you've got to get a handle on your spending habits. Your wife has just been smacked in the kisser with the revelation that you've been hiding the fact that you're a crossdresser, and yet the paramount issue in her mind is the financial aspect of it.

[Christy_M]

OMG.... that brings back a flood of memories... I'm so sorry... Mine didn't see me dressed at least... And there was no shocking silence... Lots of crying and screaming and carrying on..... She was pretty upset too..... Hope it works out at least as good as mine has....

As usual, you are too dunny, Karren...

I can totaly relate to your experience although my wife didn't see me dressed, she did find my stuff. THe biggest concern for her was the hiding the secret. the money things was distant second. I wish I could give you a hug to make you feel better. She needs time, patience and honesty. Now is the time to make her feel the way you want her to feel about you for the rest of your marriage. your responses to her questions, comments and reactions will determine her long term perceptions of you as her husband. The easiest thing for me was to be defensive and stubborn and that left my wife thinking I was still hiding other stuff. Once I figured that out, it made our conversations much easier.

Good luck and keep us posted on how things progress.

[Emily Ann Brown]

You know the two of you have some other issues...start working on them. Show love and real desire to fix the marriage. And don't drown her with more information then she wants , but don't lie.

You can do it dear. Chin up, and go slow!


Em

[DonnaT]

And it looks like a purge is going to be necessary to help mend fences, since the spending is a key issue here and much of my stuff is still returnable.
Don't bribe your wife with offers that don't hold up in the long run. You've spent the money, and she's upset about it. Purging will only result in more purchases later down the road, are going to tell her your buying again, or hide it.

No purging. You need to have a long talk with your wife. Being a CD is ingrained, something you are born with. So making promises now to try and make things easier may work for the short term, but what about a year or two or five from now?

Seeking counseling might be a good idea, but not for your CDing. It needs to be joint counseling, if y'all can't work through ALL the issues being brought up now.

And don't put off the trip. Y'all need time together as a family.

[TxKimberly]

Awe, sorry Julie. Hang in there . . .

[Iskandra]

Nicole is right, tread careful on the therapy offer, if your wife thinks you're doing it to be 'cured' one or both of you will be hurt.. Couples counciling on the other hand, seems and i guess is more about reconciliation, learning to deal with each others differences and realising that those things do not affect a relationship thats worked for over 7 years? produced a wonderful daughter and brought happiness to many ppl..

Oh and don't purge, knee jerk reactions are never good, indeed it will just lead to more spending later.. Just lock it away for the moment..

Good luck!

I..

[Audrey34]

Hello Julie. Never having been in your situation I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now. I do hope everything works out for you and your wife.
-Audrey

[RachelF]

Julie, I am so sorry. You already received great advise. You have to understand any other blame on you, and try to calm things as possible. Hope you find your way to get out of this in the best manner.

[sherri]

... Almost more so than the actual dressing, my wife is more angry about me buying so many things behind her back ... And it looks like a purge is going to be necessary to help mend fences, since the spending is a key issue here and much of my stuff is still returnable ... today was pretty much all my doing, and it's being magnified by these other issues.Interesting, I hadn't really thought much about the financial side of the issue, but honestly, she prolly has a legit beef on that score. And to be fair, maybe you should honor her wish that you get refunds on returnable stuff. But purging non-returnable stuff sounds like a really bad idea to me -- I guess it's a predictable reaction to the shock on her part, she just wants all that stuff out of the house and her life, but I don't think I would do that until the dust had settled a bit, see where things stand after you've reached some sort of agreement on the larger issues. That would just be wasting money, imo. Putting them away and laying low for awhile is prolly a good idea.

[Paula Siemen]

Not a good way for the SO to find out.
Better to lay low than be laid to rest.
Good luck
PJ

Either way......you won't be getting laid in any other respect for some time!

[Nicole Marie]

So sorry to hear about your accidental revelation. It's difficult enough having "The Talk" with a SO but to have it happen unplanned is rough. Hang in there and just keep the lines of communication open!

[Pythos]

"offer to go to counseling"

NO!!!

Dammit to hell, how many times does it need to be said, we are doing nothing wrong. Why should only you go to counselling as if you have some horrible condition like alchoholism, or drug addiction? If it was not for our perpetually bigoted society, reinforced mind you by the hiding too many of us do (I am not fully clear on this one either), we would not have to have such conversations with out lovers. It would be no different than "honey, I am a rabid 9ers fan, and have to go to every game"

Maybe the both of you should go to counseling and to a counselor that will say to your wife the things that need to be stated, both the positives and negatives...negatives that ARE brought about strictly by our narrow society.

However, this is yet another grand example of why it is best NOT to hide, and to be honest.

As far as the financial aspect of this. This kinda bugs me. I may be wrong but aren't the women the ones usually the ones spending ludicrous amounts of money on themselves? I don't know your wife, nor you, but does she buy stuff for herself without asking you if she can spend that money? I know of women that do exactly that, and royally piss their husbands off doing it. She says it is just the financial aspect and you hiding the purchases. Okay then, if that is the case then how would your wife have reacted if you said "so honey. I saw this dress I want to buy, and it cost $***.**, what do you think?" She would have been fine with you spending any sum of money on a dress. Really?

Gotta think on this one.

[Joanagreenleaf]

Yes, the counseling offer is a bit tricky - not the least of reasons being that most counselors bumble their way along about like the rest of us... And, getting a "good" one is akin to winning the door prize at the bake sale...

If you go to counseling do it for the right reasons: you and your wife aren't communicating openly: you're keeping secrets and taking chances with your life and hers. Why would either one of you want to live like that?

Crossdressing? Big deal. Running the family into debt, undercutting your "rainy day" funds, spending time on things she knows nothing about and you know - by the fact that you are sneaking around - that she would not like... All bigger problems.

Another case of, "It's not what you're doing - it's how you're doing it."

If I see a dress, or, shoes that I like, I say first, "Hey, I saw this offer today and was interested in it. What do you think of these colors?" She can then say, "Well, I think that's nice... But, didn't you just get something last week?" At which point I can say, "Well, if this works out better, maybe I can send that back."

See how that goes? Everybody gets a vote and you're working on things together. And, if you're going to argue, you can do it when there's little harm done - no money, time, postage, etc. invested. Just talking....

Most of us would rather talk than play defense.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

there are 2 huge components ..and they are very difficult to separate...

first off there is the crossdressing...and your feelings around it..this may or may not be a therapy issue...there is nothing wrong with crossdressing...you are a cd, and that's that...thinking it will all go away is wishful thinking at best

second and more importantly there is the relationship issue you have....there is a betrayal, a secret kept..and now discovered...this must be brought out in a way that helps you and your wife reconcile things if you are to move forward..

[boardpuppy]

There has been some good info from most of the girls ie. couneling, trust and money issues, and purging. Don't get tunnel vision and only look at the near term fixes. I mentioned counceling first because that is the biggest mine field and be sure to do all your research first.
Alice

[JamieG]

I just wanted to throw in another voice of support. Good luck to you and your wife with patching the marriage back up! If you're lucky, you'll come out stronger than ever.

[BillieJoEllen]

Julie, you mentioned 'purging'. May I suggest a storage facility. Purging is expensive and the chances of you dressing again in the future are very great. That would be very expensive obviously.
I'm terribly sorry you were found out. My wife found out about me when she found my clothes in an apartment I was living in. Very traumatic for the both of us. This was about a month before we were married.

[Presh GG]

Hi,
I'd like to know how things are today , after the shock has settled a bit before I weigh in.

That said , it sounds like you maybe spending more than is necessary [ or fair ? ] on clothes. Are your Credit cards maxed?
I would return what can be returned now, keep the rest to use , and hopefully you can shop or thrift together later.

Don't lie, don't promise anything you know you can't keep.

LISTEN to her, This is all new for her remember.

See where hideing gets ya ?

I'm really sorry ,,, FOR YOU BOTH.
Presh GG

[Shelly Preston]

I am sorry this had to happen this way Julie

Time , Patience & Communication are the key to getting through this. A few people have suggest counselling which might be needed but I would not rush into that. You would need to find a counseller who is used to dealing with gender issues.

You wife will have a lot of questions and you need to be as honest as you can. It will take time and lot of listening to get through this.

Purging is not a good idea but maybe putting some of your things in storage out of the way until you and your wife have got through this.

Good luck to you both :hugs:

[Sue101]

You should take the financial issue with a bit of salt. While it is an issue do you really think that was what was going through her head when she saw you. She is using the financial angle to mask her true feelings of betrayal and disgust. If your relationship is to survive then she has to open up and say what is really on her mind. You need a heart to heart so dont let her sidetrack the discussion over finances. That is easily solvable, hurt feelings are not.

[TGMarla]

I'm with Pythos on the whole counselling thing. After all, what to you have to gain by it? Is your wife hoping that some shrink can "cure" you and show you the error of your ways, and make it so that you never again have a desire to wear feminine clothing ever again? That's a load of hooey. You are who you are, and this is a part of who you are. I get tired of seeing our members paraded by their wives to various counsellors, psycologists, psychiatrists, et al, as though they were some circus act that needed mending in some way. Our society needs to wake up and realize that crossdressing is just something that some guys do, and it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with them.

[AllieSF]

I also believe that counseling/therapy can help both of you. I am talking about relationship counseling. If you two cannot communicate about your relationship and your crossdressing and expensive hobbies and whatever is on the her side as well, you will never be able to resolve issues. The counselor can be a great help in moderating and helping both of you to communicate better and to be able to see issues form both sides of the argument. If you also have your own issues regarding your crossdressing, counseling can help you understand and deal with those too. Good luck.

[ReineD]

I had typed a huge long response on page one but then I deleted it because I thought it was way too long and preachy.

Anyway, I agree with the counseling, not specifically to either have her accept the CDing or have you "cured" of it, but for each of you to learn to communicate better and learn negotiation skills.

I also would suggest that if you have a hard time keeping the shopping under control, please keep in mind this is a separate issue from the CDing and it should be treated as such. Sometimes it may seem as if shopping compulsions and the CDing go hand in hand, but if you think about it, they really don't.

[Tara D. Rose]

Oh no, that is not the best way for a wife to find out. That would be a horiible nightmare. I told my wife point blank. I told her everything. She was shoked only to a certain degree. I was very fearful of some other questions that I knew were to follow. I answered all of her questions and withholding nothing from her. It's the best way to go. So sorry for you that the disclosure of your crossdressing came out of an accident rather than a timed and planned disclosure where you are prepared to let her know all of who you are.

[Michelle Charles]

Some very good advice here. Just want you to know we care and are here to support you both as needed. You have sereral issues to address, but just that recognition is a great first step. I f you have over done it, return what you can and keep what you hold precious. Address your personal issues directly and promptly. Love your wife to death, don't overdo but be there and be rock solid as her husband right now. Be open and honest when she wants to talk. The counseling is very unpredictable so take care on that path. I think you may have seen your worst day, now go one at a time and make each one better than before .
Hugs
Michelle

[Jeanna]

What a "Rush" that must have been! Wow!

[linda allen]

Thanks for all your support. Things are not going well. This revelation has kicked up a lot of old dust. Almost more so than the actual dressing, my wife is more angry about me buying so many things behind her back. .............since the spending is a key issue here and much of my stuff is still returnable. .

How much could you possibly have spent to make this a major issue? Your wife just found out that you are a crossdresser and she is mostly worried about the cost? Did you spend over $100? Over $1,000? On what?

I would expect your wife to be worried about the trust between the two of you and about your child finding out.

[Sallee]

get in therapy with a good counselor who is familiar with gender issues and can assure your SO that you don't want SRS and your not gay. the counselor will have to work with both of you and individually good luck

[kimdl93]

better do some quick studying on how to discuss this with your wife. Its the only way to make this right with her. I don't know her perspective on dressing, but she's probably angry about being decieved. Good luck!

[Leslie Langford]

Sorry If I have to administer a dose of "tough love" here, Julie, but I'm more than a bit disappointed by your behavior since your initial posting.

I was one of the first to jump in at the beginning of this thread to offer my sincere sympathy and advice on how to best manage the difficult situation you now find yourself in with your wife. You then provided additional information on how things were progressing, and it was clear that there were other issues in your marriage as well (e.g. excessive spending by you on your "hobby") which muddied the waters, but which you also held the power to deal with and/or control if the willingness was there on your part.

And what do you do in the midst of all this "Woe is me!" commiserating? You find the time to post pictures of yourself asking for feedback on your new wig:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?154564-My-new-wig-is-it-me

If this isn't being narcissistic and self-indulgent, I don't know what is. I don't blame your wife one bit for being p#ssed off with you and for going ballistic. She deserves better than this, and the ball is now squarely in your court to salvage this difficult situation if your heart is truly in it to fix it. If not, then let her go so that she can pursue her own happiness elsewhere rather than remaining in a one-sided relationship.

[Presh GG]

Hi Julie D.,

Just thinking of you and hopeing you both are spending lots of time talking this out.

I hope your wife , some time down the road will join us in FAB. She is not alone , thou i'm sure sheis feeling that way right now.
We're here to talk if she feels she needs someone to talk to who will understand.

Best wishes to you both,
Presh GG