Went out en femme for first time. Could use your advice regarding my experience.

[Buhabkuss]

Hi, all.

I'm new to the community and am excited to be on board. I should have used my femme name as my nick but I do not know what I was thinking. I go by Sasha, a name given to me by a beautiful and very supportive wife.

My wife and I went out over this past weekend to a very prominent gay club in Texas. As I mentioned, this was my first time out en femme in public and with her so I felt a huge sense of both excitement and nervousness.

The night, overall, was absolutely fantastic and I was humbled by how supportive and courteous the staff and fellow patrons were. Of course, as expected, there were a few hiccups and it's here where I could use your advice.

The first occurence was with a guy who hung around with two male friends. He grabbed my wrist stopping me dead in my tracks and demanded that I "look up". I gave him a strange look and asked what for. He simply repeated "look up". He was clearly drunk and just a tad over aggressive but something did not sit right with me. His friends sat idly by and did nothing. He kept telling me to look up and I refused and told him to walk away. A staff member then approached him and took him away from me.

This same guy approached my group later on, by himself, made forced conversation with others just so he could get around to asking me the same questions he did them. This time, however, he groped me. I grabbed his wrist and threatened him at this point being quite annoyed by him. He claimed he was a hair dresser and complimented my hair. I didn't buy his sincerity.

My question is: a) is groping a common thing in gay clubs and b)in this situation, what was it the guy was looking for? Why did he want me to look up (honestly thought he was going to attack my neck).

I ask because on one hand, I expect or hope others would flirt/hit/compliment me but because of my lack of experience, I have a hard time distinguishing what's sincere fun and what's harassment. I'd like to ask those of you more experienced than I am what your thoughts are that way I can better adjust my attitude if need be, when I go back.

I really appreciate the time you took to read this and any advise is greatly appreciated.

[Maria in heels]

it sounds like he wanted to see if you had an adams apple...thats probably why he kept telling you too look up! Excuse the drunks..they are just idiots at times I guess..... or the positive...indirectly, you were receiving a compliment..think about it !

[Joanagreenleaf]

What club were you in? I live in Texas and that was pretty poor bar keeping...

No, it's not common to be grabbed. That's assault - which often leads to battery.

You can do some damage to someone, drunk or not, in that case. It's self-defense and you have the right to it because things can go from bad to worse once someone gets their hands on you. You have the right to remove their hand and keep it. Just sayin' Not to mention, his idle friends might suddenly take a notion to spring to life. You have all kinds of reasons and rights when you are outnumbered. Just sayin' - twice.

Sorry you had a bad trip. If it was always like that, nobody would leave home. Better luck next time. Sounds like he was "jest joking" but you do not want to take your eyes off a threat, expose your neck, or, appear to be going along with "a game."

By the way, if that encounter upset you or worried you, take some self-defense classes. It's something else to do that can be very rewarding in life.

Crossdressing isn't everything...

[Fab Karen]

Touching you like that without permission is harassment. In future speak to security or at least to a bartender about it if this kind of thing happens.
You already saw the difference, that this guy wasn't politely flirting. Your response was fine.

[sissystephanie]

If that happens to you again, use your other hand to grab one of his fingers and bend it backward! As you do so, tell him to let loose of your wrist if he doesn't want a broken finger. You can easily break a finger by doing what I described. Then when he does let loose, tell him to stay away from you!! In any properly run club, gay or not, you should not have that kind of trouble!! Oh yes, I would also notify the manager!!

[Missy Tanya]

I agree, you were being harassed!! And if it ever happened again, Yell No, then with your free arm, whack him with you purse!! That should get through his thick head that you want to be left alone. At least others with note that his is bothering you.

Tanya

[Cynthia Anne]

Groping is not common in no bar no where! It's assault and he should have been bounced out! I'm glad you were not hurt! Now for the more important stuff! Welcome to the forum! I hope you enjoy it here! Sasha is a pretty name! Hugs!

[NathalieX66]

I've been groped before by guys. Those occasions I wore some fancy hose & heels . I'm not a fan of roaming hands.......I go out to be me. When I'm girl I'm all girl. The worst is when I tell Tg that I'm lesbian, and they say they're lesbian too. ..... I say no no no, you don't understand.
Tell them they are in the no-no zone if you get roaming hands , and get real philosophical why you dress. They usually shut up after that.
I don't mind the attention I get from guys. Look, but don't touch. it makes me feel like I'm doing something right.
It's not uncommon to find CD'ers /TGs of all stripes. Welcome to the territory. You will find guys & TGs that chase you yet you will also find straight & monogamous types, even married.
I wish I was gay/bi, but I'm not. It would cut down on the B.S.

[Barbra P]

The moment he placed a hand on you it stopped being assault and became battery. Most clubs will have security, a bouncer, and you can generally just yell “SECURTIY” and someone will come over. You can tell the bartender or the bouncer that the next time you are assaulted you will call 911, the last thing a club wants is the Texas Police barging in the front door – it’s really bad for business because just about everybody ends up leaving, and empty clubs don’t make any money.

[larry]

Sorry all but I need to speak. 1. This person was out of line and you should get the bar folks to handle it right away. 2. I would never use the bend the finger trick until I was ready to break it and some other things in the next 20 seconds.--without any warning.

[Presh GG]

If I May ?

I'm a GG. You are alot better off going to a mainstream cafe, bar or anywhere other than a gay bar.
Think about it. a gay man wants to meet another man, not a women , not a cd. I used to go to gay bars with my bilaw. I've been bodily throw out of same, for being a women.
If it's a compliment or friends you would like to meet, join a trans club, one that welcomes your wife.
Sorry your first outing was so bad.

Presh GG

[Christy_M]

I agree that it is uncommon to be groped. I frequent a local gay bar with other tg friends and we are so welcomed by everyone. If any of us were confronted like you were I have no doubt the bar security would have tossed this person out on their ear and banned them from the place. This guy probably had a bet with his pals about whether you had an adams apple (as mentioned above) and didn't want to lose the bet. Not excusing him for being a jerk but you have to know that jerks are jerks and are not just relegated to the straight community. You will also find the same proportion of thieves, liars, bullies, etc as the general population so just beware of your surroundings just as you would any other time. Remember the thrill of being out and see if that outweighs your bad experience...good luck and keep us posted.

I also recommend you don't withdraw. As Presh said, there are many options available for you to express yourself. Gay bars are not the only place.

[sherri]

IME, most of the groping attempted in a gay bar has been good-natured, non-aggressive curiosity about my breasts -- are they real, what do fake ones feel like, that sort of thing. Nothing to feel threatened or insulted by, but even at that, I am less accommodating of that sort of thing than I used to be back when I was less sure of myself in such surroundings. I'm the type of gurl who just naturally likes to be touched and petted, but on my terms. As for the drunk neanderthals being sexually aggressive with their hands, trying to feel my breasts or under my skirt, I react pretty much the way a GG normally would -- I try to defuse the situation with an amused but firm refusal, which usually ends the situation after a little back and forth. A second attempt is met with a more serious, direct warning to back off, and if that doesn't work, I look to the bartender for help, which they will always do. If someone grabbed me and wouldn't let go, how I would react would depend on my assessment of the situation. If he was just an idiotic drunk I didn't perceive as dangerous, I might cut him a little slack. If it was someone who was being hostile, I would break his hold on me, tell him to leave me alone and put security on alert.

One word of caution -- if you ever do have a hostile encounter with someone in a bar and that person is ejected from the club, you might want to ask security to escort you to your car when you're ready to leave, just to be on the safe side.

[Fab Karen]

I'm a GG. You are alot better off going to a mainstream cafe, bar or anywhere other than a gay bar.
Think about it. a gay man wants to meet another man, not a women , not a cd. I used to go to gay bars with my bilaw. I've been bodily throw out of same, for being a women.

It didn't happen BECAUSE they were in a gay bar. And you might have noticed she went with her WIFE, obviously not looking to meet someone in that way, so a gay bar would be fine if that's where they choose to start with going out.
I have NEVER heard of a woman being thrown out of a gay bar just for being a woman, ESPECIALLY bodily. That would suggest truly bad behavior.

[Buhabkuss]

First off, thank you so very much for the responses. It really means a lot.

@Joana, the club was SouthBeach in Houston, TX (in montrose area). We were visiting over the weekend (I actually live in central texas). I understand crossdressing isn't everything but thanks for the well intended advice.

SouthBeach is more of an open community night club and not a strictly gay scene. Overall it is filled with unbelievably nice people in my experience (as a guy) but this incident was entirely new to me/

Thank you for the clarification, girls. The reason I asked was because I did not want to judge the situation when I feel I am still unfamiliar with the 'culture' so to speak. With that said, it sounds like common sense is still the name of the game.

I could have hurt this individual badly; I am a second degree black belt in shotokan. If I were in guy mode, this would not have ended well. The incident took me aback simply because the experience was new to me and I questioned whether my guy mode should impose itself in that situation. I hope this makes sense :(

So, I feel a bit unnerved that I let this happen to me but come away with some important knowledge thanks to you all.

[t-girlxsophie]

Always inform management of the Incident and the person Involved,Most establishments run an orderly venue and would have no hesitation in showing the moron the door.The good news is incidents like these are few and far between,I've never had any hassle in a gay bar

If some guy was hassling me in such a manner,well I would be nice,until its time to not be nice.A well placed high heel can do a helluva lot of damage you know:heehee: or in your case I would have told HIM to look up,result being he would be seeing stars :devil:

Sophie

[Presh GG]

Well fab karen
you've heard of it now, or maybe you wern't listening ?

I never said it happened [ TO HER ] because they were in a gay bar, I was Well Aware she was with her wife [ I read the post ] But she was hopeing for compliments, I think she would get more from the general population, AND THAT IS MY OPINION.

Before you jump down my back, remember , we all have had our own experiences. You might want to look back at the op QUESTION and my response. DBAA

Presh GG

There are leather bars in downtown seattle that DO NOT allow women, period