Came out to Ex-Wife

[Mikaela]

My ex-wife and I are still friends (online, since we live in different states) and have always had a pretty honest relationship. I didn't CD when we were married since I was in a successful purge stage. She knew that I had done it previously (to which I blamed just exploration) and had even offered me the opportunity to do it again when we were married, but I was not happy with my weight and played it off at the time.

After the divorce, I started again and it was this time last year that I first started to participate here on the forums. Last fall, I went out for the first time and have been going to a club semi regularly, although I did take a couple month hiatus.

With the honesty, and someone aware of my flaws, she's actually someone I can use for advice, and vice versa. I have a situation I needed her input on, but it intersected my CDing-ness, so for the first time, I came out to her (explanations, pictures, Q&A, everything for several hours).

I'm a pessimist, I don't really believe in coming out, I already knew she'd be supportive, but I was not ready for this. Here are some snippets from our conversation that I think should be shared. This is not me advocating everyone to just come out, but it is me saying that sometimes things can go better than you ever hope.

/////////////////

//I explain being at a trans club//
[14:52] Mikaela: I was there as a girl.
[14:52] Leslie : ....I am so proud of you.
//
[14:55] Leslie : I'm so f**king proud of you though.
//
[14:58] Leslie : You make an awfully pretty woman :)
[14:58] Mikaela: thanks! :)

//

[15:11] Leslie : Can I just say..you do a damn sight better than every single one I've seen here. And I've seen a lot. I'm in the scene and I gogo at a gay club.
//
[15:12] Leslie : I think it was always under the surface for you.
[15:12] Leslie : I was SO frustrated that you wouldn't let that out and just be you.
[15:13] Leslie : It confused me a lot.

//
//sent her my flickr account
[16:21] Leslie: I just want to say...thank you for sharing this with me. It makes me feel like you're more human. I know that's contrary to what most people might think, but I think it's a really great thing and I'm really proud of you for it.
[16:22] Leslie: Seeing you dressed up doesn't really change my view very much though. I'm still like "Yup, I had sex with that" LOL
[16:23] Mikaela: And thank you very much for being supportive, even now.
[16:23] Leslie: [Her Fiance] really likes the silver nails, he says its a good color for your skin tone.
[16:23] Mikaela: I did a french manicure you would have loved last fall. Black with silver tips
[16:24] Leslie Also, jesus christ, the other ones in the back are not HALF as good.
[16:24] Leslie Holy balls dude.
[16:24] Leslie I wish I could do my f**king nails...stupid job.
[16:24] Leslie ok now you just look like a hot bitch on a bike, jesus christ LMAO
[16:25] Mikaela: I did take the bike up there once. had to switch wig for helmet when my car was in the shop
[16:25] Leslie You're in TIGHT JEANS, good god.

////
[16:34] Leslie : So the one thing [Her Fiance] noticed the most was "He actually smiles when he's a girl."
[16:34] Mikaela: yes, I'm aware of that./
[16:34] Mikaela: I smile when I fly, too
[16:35] Leslie : So when you're actually yourself.

[Daphne Renee]

Thats great that you and your ex-wife can still be friends. Its good to have someone you can talk to. I am sure it wasnt easy coming out to her.

[Sophie86]

That's awesome. It's great to have someone you can talk to who is that accepting--and proud! even!

[Cynthia Anne]

It's great that you can be friends with your ex-wife! But Its devine that she excepts you for who you are!

[Mikaela]

Thats great that you and your ex-wife can still be friends. Its good to have someone you can talk to. I am sure it wasnt easy coming out to her.

Like I said, she knew I had in the past and I figured if anyone outside the community could know and not care, it would be her. I had thought about telling her before, but I really am not one to share it. I know it will be misunderstood, hell I don't even understand it, and only make my life more difficult. I was going to ask her advice/tell her last week, but she actually came to me with an issue and I needed to help her with that, not dump this on her.

I over analyze things and I needed a fresh pair of eyes on the situation I wanted input on. Thankfully I had gone ahead without her advice on the matter initially and she just corroborated that I was doing the right thing. It was just icing on the cake that she took the CDing the way she did. I figured she'd be fine with it, but not a big deal. It turned into a 3 hour chat, after all.



That's awesome. It's great to have someone you can talk to who is that accepting--and proud! even!

I'm still trying to figure out the pride part. One of the things in our marriage that she didn't understand was how I was able to repress so many emotions, like when our pets passed away or something. It would tear me up inside, but I never showed it. I think that's part of the stuff she was saying there.

[Jill Devine]

Not sure what caused the divorce but I get the impression (reading her thread of convesation) that if you had opened up to her back then as a cd it may have actually helped the marriage.
She likes you that way!

[Deana ♥ Danni]

I'm happy for you! It is great that you have a good friend that you can confide in and get advice and support from :)

~ Deana

[Sophie86]

I'm still trying to figure out the pride part. One of the things in our marriage that she didn't understand was how I was able to repress so many emotions, like when our pets passed away or something. It would tear me up inside, but I never showed it. I think that's part of the stuff she was saying there.

What the two have in common--showing emotions and crossdressing--is that they make us vulnerable. It takes a lot of courage to allow yourself to be that vulnerable, and here you are going out in public dressed like a woman! She has every reason to be proud. :)

[kimdl93]

Isn't it funny how much more connected we are with people when we are open about ourselves. I can imagine her frustration at not really knowing who you were beneath the facade.

[Mikaela]

Not sure what caused the divorce but I get the impression (reading her thread of convesation) that if you had opened up to her back then as a cd it may have actually helped the marriage.
She likes you that way!

She's 9 years younger. She left an abusive relationship to get away. I was trying to live vicariously through her youth and didn't take care of myself. We were both co-dependent and trying to grow at the same time, but there was no infidelity or serious arguments and stuff. Being open to her emotionally may have helped some things, but there was a lot on both sides. Being aware of that and realizing how our paths are different is what has been able to maintain our friendship. She knew I had CDed when younger, but I wasn't at the time and didn't have any urge or reason to, so when I declined, it was an honest declination.

[Marcia Polari]

Hi Mikaela
Your thread almost brought me into tears.
Sometimes I catch myself wondering about many possible dialogues when the day come that I come out to my wife.
Point is we are no longer a young couple and of course a fear some generation bias as one of the main issues.
Let's wait and see.
Love this thread.
Hugs,
Marcia

[Nicole Erin]

Sounds good.
Just one thing - I would not point her towards this forum cause we have had members here, both GG's and some butt-kissing CD's try to act like the CD is at fault for things. I don't know why you guys broke up or anything but I am sure some of the $%^&'s here would act like it was your fault.

[Mikaela]

I don't think it would matter to her, to be honest. But I doubt she has any interest, nor do i have a reason, to involve her here.

[cassandra.932]

Mikaela,

I like your story. Very touching, nice to have someone close to share your experience.

[CaitlynRenee]

I had to laugh, not AT you and the former marriage, but at the irony of life.

My ex (a Sharon Tate look alike), who WAS in fact a real bitch during the divorce, since I got the kids, has kept in close contact with my mother ever since she returned to the states in 1995 after the split in 1978. She never kept the kids from Mom (see below), never put me down (according to Mom), or been negative. So what does she do a couple of months ago when she, her hubby and my grandkids took a trip to California?? She stops in so the kids can see great-grandma. During a late night talk with her, her hubby, my Mom and step-dad present, she says this:

"You know, Betty, It was never *****'* fault. I was a real bitch about everything. I didn't respect him for his Marine Corps service, his sacrifice everyday working 14 to 16 hour days. I saw him as a meal ticket. I never cleaned house, he did. I never went shopping, he did. He never drank or did drugs, I did when he was gone. Why he stood by me and tried to make it work, I'll never know. I just hope some day he'll forgive me."

That will be hard to do since she took the kids and left the country for 17 years, but it's nice to know she's willing to admit her part in the break up, and it was NEVER about CDing, 'cause I didn't at the time.

What's even funnier still, is that her hubby of over twenty years is a BI CDer of long standing.

Life IS strange.

[silhouette]

heres what my ex had to say when she saw one of my pics after we broke up "i'm glad i jumped off this boat before it got too weird."

[Billie Jean]

My ex knew I dressed and had no problem with it. She just didn't want to see me dressed all the time. I usually did it when she wasn't at home and the kids were gone. Billie Jean