Off and Running

[Christy_M]

I received my therapists letter last week and got excited and anxious and scared...is it really happening? I made an appointment with a doctor for lab work and consulted about the HRT program. Today I sat with the doctor and as I waited for him to come into the room, I felt nervous and very aware that I have a new life in front of me. Whatever happens tomorrow, I am a transsexual starting transition. A year ago, I would have never thought this possible. I knew then that I was some wacked out perv that needed a shrink to take the psychotic part of my brain out and let me go on to be a normal human being...I would have never thought that the reality I buried so long ago would surface and become the person I am supposed to be fighting for. I have spent so many years fighting to prove my male side was real that I never accepted that Christy is real and in control of so much. the mind is a pretty amazing instrument. it can create dillusions of things based on perceptions founded in bigotry and hate. The dillusions can keep people from being themselves whenever they choose. My dillusions caused me to do so many things that as I look back are just so out of character for me. I am so proud to have served in the Marine Corps but I never wanted to be there. I did want people to think I was a macho man but I was scared so often and just buried it deep down with the rest of Christy that noone ever saw it.

Today, I am a transsexual woman starting transition. Tomorrow, I travel to California to talk with my family so that over the next 4 days, everyone who I am close to will know about the road I am on with the exception of my grown son in North Carolina. He is in the Army and I am more scared of his rejection than anyone else's. I will fly out there later this month so that he hears it form me before other's in my family spill their guts to him. at least my cards will all be on the table. they have never been there before.

Thanks for hearing me rant, again. I just needed a soap box to stand on for a minute to get this out.

[Longing2be-Trisha]

Congratulations Christy!

Hugs

[Eryn]

Christy, it sounds like you have a good start.

One thing though, do you think that your California family will keep this under their hats long enough for you to speak with your son? Between email, social networking and plain old cell phones news travels very fast.

[JOJO44]

I agree with Eryn, I would talk to your son first then the family in CA.

[Melody Moore]

Whatever happens tomorrow, I am a transsexual starting transition. A year ago, I would have never thought this possible. I knew then that I was some wacked out perv that needed a shrink to take the psychotic part of my brain out and let me go on to be a normal human being...I would have never thought that the reality I buried so long ago would surface and become the person I am supposed to be fighting for. I have spent so many years fighting to prove my male side was real that I never accepted that Christy is real and in control of so much. the mind is a pretty amazing instrument. it can create dillusions of things based on perceptions founded in bigotry and hate. The dillusions can keep people from being themselves whenever they choose. My dillusions caused me to do so many things that as I look back are just so out of character for me. I am so proud to have served in the Marine Corps but I never wanted to be there. I did want people to think I was a macho man but I was scared so often and just buried it deep down with the rest of Christy that noone ever saw it.

Today, I am a transsexual woman starting transition.
Just replace "Marine Corps" with "Australian Army" & the name "Christy" with "Melody" & I could swear
that I was reading my own story here. But here I now sit, 10 months after I started HRT, and 11 months
since I started my RLE as a woman & I am really amazed at how wonderful life has truly become for me.
There are no real regrets, just the occasional thought that "I should have transitioned years sooner".
"But it's better being late than never" as they say. No combat training mission that I ever did in the Army
was as ever as mentally challenging or difficult as the one that I have been trying to complete all my life.

But not even the most hardcore special forces training could ever prepare you mentally for this journey. The
roadblocks we have to negotiate & the huge hurdles we have to overcome make our type of objectives that
much harder & more difficult. Nothing will have such an impact on your emotions as your family & kids have
had on you. Trying to deal with being transsexual while my kids were still dependant on me was very difficult
& I choose to wait until mine had grown up & at an age of maturity where they could best cope with it. Until
that happened, I just kept suffering in silence because I always feared that the people I really cared about
would never understand & never accept it, which sadly is now the case. But I had to also be prepared to deal
with that type of a loss or collateral damage. Some say it's selfish, but it's not really because it always balances
itself out in the end because I think I am now a better person with renewed hope with more love to give to those
I care about. If others that I love still feel they cannot love me because of who I really am, well, then sadly they
have issues to try & work through, if & when they are ever ready. And in the meantime I will still be here for them,
the only difference is that it is as the woman I truly am today, but still the same person on the inside, just a lot
happier, stronger & more confident with an inner peace about myself & I hope you share that freedom I feel soon.

:hugs:

[Jay Cee]

Wishing you luck, Christy. It won't be easy, but you will feel a huge load off your shoulders when you are done.

[morgan51]

I hope all goes smoothly for you. Just be confident and poised best to you! We are all cheering you on.

[Diane Elizabeth]

I thought I was reading a mirror of my life. I joined the Army in hopes of proving to myself I was a "man". I didn't know what I was. Just not a "man". Now my kids are grown. I am working towards starting RLE by the end of the year. Already on HRT. Feeling better and stronger. But haven't figured out how to tell my family. I am definitely inspired by Christy and Melody. Thanks for sharing.

[Kokoro]

It is a great feeling to finally get moving isn't it? Hoping everything goes well for you.

[boardpuppy]

Just my thinking about talking to my family brings chills up my back. You're in a good place, congrates and hope everything works the way you have planned.
Alice

[Jessica86]

It's stories like this that you read, and just the content gives you more support in what you are doing. I know I feel so much better about being Jessica. I do think I was made to be male and enjoy my male persona. I do not plan on transitioning, but this....makes me feel so much better about being Jessica and having that desire to be her. I love it, and what you said makes perfect sense. Hope everything goes great, and I hope your family understands as well.

[Sophora]

Just my thinking about talking to my family brings chills up my back. You're in a good place, congrates and hope everything works the way you have planned.
Alice

Same here. Especially after yesterday. My mom left a message on my facebook stating how I was the "best son." I feel like I am letting her down.

Christy- good luck with your family.

[carolinoakland]

The hardest part was accepting myself and who I was. After that, it was all just a matter of details. I'm almost three years into my transition and I've lived more genuine life than everything before it.

[Robin Lee]

Christy,
I am about four months now on HRT. I know what you are gong through and within a few weeks on HRT I felt so much better inside of me. You have gone through the hard part of accepting how you are, sit back and enjoy life!

Best Wishes
Robin Lee

[Hope]

I would have never thought that the reality I buried so long ago would surface and become the person I am supposed to be fighting for. I have spent so many years fighting to prove my male side was real that I never accepted that Christy is real and in control of so much. the mind is a pretty amazing instrument. it can create dillusions of things based on perceptions founded in bigotry and hate.

Don't worry. You are ready.

I also couldn't believe what I was doing. Had you told me 2 years ago that I would be transitioning and living full time today - I NEVER would have believed you. When I went in for hormones I expected to have the experience you are having - but when I went in for what I thought was going to be the consult with the endo, she gave me a set of prescriptions, a set of orders for blood work, and told me she didn't want to see me for 6 months. I was surprised, overwhelmed and delighted. It was when I realized that I was delighted I knew I was doing the right thing.

Here is the amazing part - it keeps getting better.


Thanks for hearing me rant, again. I just needed a soap box to stand on for a minute to get this out.

The soap-box is communal - you don't have to ask to use it.

You are also allowed to stand on our shoulders, and cry on them when need be.