When do you tell your friends and family

[Matt2Marissa]

I'm just curios. For me, I've known for a long while but due to life circumstance have to delay actually transitioning. At what point do you tell friends and family?

[Beth-Lock]

I suppose one might argue only when they need to know. If they catch you dressing in stealth mode, they might raise the question themselves. They did with me. Then you have a choice of telling them some fib or blurting out the truth. The problem is, there is no good time to tell someone who takes it badly, except perhaps when you are not particularly dependent on them. Good people on the other hand will take it in stride no matter what the time. In that case, it is more a matter of telling when you are sure this is the direction you are going in, and not likely to change your mind back.

[Rianna Humble]

I took a fairly pragmatic approach although telling my (then) 88 year old father was a great worry for me because of his state of health.

My father was the first after he noticed some tell-tale signs he asked me about them one evening in a restaurant, so Ipromised that we would sit down for a serious chat on my next day off. I was amazed by how well he took the news that I am TG. A couple of months later, we had another serious chat where I told him about transition.

The next person was my brother who lives nearby, I told him before I started transition so that he would be prepared for the changes. He didn't say much at the time, but later wrote me a really thoughtful letter of support.

A few days before beginning my RLE, I told a couple of close friends who would be affected by my decision and asked them if they could discuss it with some others that I don't see quite as often as I used to but who might also be affected. Following those discussions, I got some really nice messages of support including one or two from people I had thought might be hostile.

Around this time, I spoke individually to the members of the team I work in for my job to prepare them and answer any questions they might have.

Not long after that, it got into the papers - one of my local papers did a really considerate three page special then spoilt their positive attitude by selling the story to a national sleaze-ball paper who did a typical hatchet job on my story. After that, i didn't need to tell many people at all.

[Melody Moore]

Not long after that, it got into the papers - one of my local papers did a really considerate three page special
then spoilt their positive attitude by selling the story to a national sleaze-ball paper who did a typical hatchet
job on my story. After that, i didn't need to tell many people at all.
Rianna, surely hun you really cannot be that naive not to see that one coming. For pete's sake woman you were a politician
& no rag tag gutter newspaper would turn down an opportunity to turn a politician's name into mud. Personally I would have
stayed well away from the media to start with, because you sold your soul to them when you allowed them to write that 3
page special about you. There is no way I would have attempted to transition while in the public eye because of the big red
target that would be painted on your back. If it was a few years after your time in politics after everything died down they
wouldn't have paid you any notice so were you trying to juggle your transition & political career together? Just wondering.

Back on topic... As for when & how to tell family & friends, it will vary quite considerably for all of us. There will be many
other factors that will have an impact on who we tell first & how we choose to tell them. The biggest factor is the type
or relationship we have with the person we are intending to tell. If you have a good, open & honest relationship with a
person you want to come out to, then telling that person should me easier than telling someone who you have a very
difficult & strained relationship with. So if it is someone who is likely to become argumentative, upset or violent then
you need to choose how you intend on informing that person about your coming out.

I think its best to start off with the people you feel that you will get the better response from first. So if you have a
best friend who you really know will stand by you, then come out to them first because by doing so you will gain more
strength to help you deal with the next person you have to face. Work through a list of names of your family & friends
that you have ordered from 'Easiest' to 'Most Difficult', leaving the later for last. Doing it this way will give you the best
chance to find allies that can help you get your message across to those that might be difficult & don't want to listen
& to have others there that you can fall back on for support if things do go wrong.

How you tell someone will depend on how well you communicate with that person. If you are going to tell someone
who you know will just shut up & really listen to you, then you know they most likely are going to be understanding
& accepting. Someone who won't listen, someone who wants to argue & push their own point of view all the time is
someone who won't really listen, won't learn anything, so how can they ever understand or accept your coming out?

The best way to come out to people like this is in a letter or a DVD or other home video you might post or email to
them. With this method you are simply laying your cards on the table clearly & concisely in writing in a statement
in a letter or in a verbal statement you made on video. After you finish writing or recording then you can just walk
away & leave it at that. I would not go near someone who might react badly & would wait for them to contact you.

How you come out can also be affected by other factors such as distance. And distance & the types of relationships
I have with my parents affected how I choose to tell them. Both parents were never there for me, there has been lots
of issues in my life because of their actions which is way beyond reproach & is almost completely unforgivable. So any
want to go out of my way to inform them simply just wasn't there. My mother lives about 200klms south & my father
lives over 2500klms down south, so I elected to tell them over the phone about my decisions. Their reactions was as
I expected anyway due to the fact I am the black-sheep of the family. They were uncaring & non-supportive which is
what I expected anyway - so no disappointment there.

My own kids were living on the other side of the country & not only did I not have their phone numbers because they
constantly lose mobile phones & contact numbers, telling them in any other way than through Facebook was virtually
impossible. I told my eldest 25 year old daughter knowing that she would tell her younger brother & sister through the
social online network. The instant feedback I got is that they were all disgusted in me - so be it if that is how they feel.
But I suspect that this attitude will not remain forever. My kids are now aged 18-26 years old & I believe that as they
grow older they will understand my reasons for just backing away like I have. If & when they are ready for me to be in
their lives again, I will be there, but as the person I am now, not who they knew before. I will still be the same soul on
the inside who always loved them & that is what they need to understand. Transitioning will never change that about me.

Apart from the negative experiences with my family, I had more positive experiences with my friends & weeded out a few
that I don't think they are quite the friend they always professed to be. But the best news is my best friends accepted
me & my decision to transition. But the real bonus came through the new friends that I now have that have enriched my
life even so much more. What I have gained far outweighs what I lost & as I pointed out, I don't believe that everything
is lost forever.
So good luck, I hope it all works out & my bit of advice gives you a few ideas about how to come out to your loved ones. :hugs:

[Rianna Humble]

Rianna, surely hun you really cannot be that naive not to see that one coming. For pete's sake woman you were a politician
& no rag tag gutter newspaper would turn down an opportunity to turn a politician's name into mud. Personally I would have
stayed well away from the media to start with, because you sold your soul to them when you allowed them to write that 3
page special about you. There is no way I would have attempted to transition while in the public eye because of the big red
target that would be painted on your back.

It was a fairly simple decision to take, do I talk to the local press and accept their assurances about how they would treat my story? Or do I let them go ahead with no input from me and give it whatever spin they choose? There was no third option.

To be fair, the local paper wrote a very good story that has put my local community on my side. What I hadn't bargained for was that one of the local reporters would get greedy and sell it to a national sleaze-ball paper.

The only way that I could have transitioned out of the public eye would have been to move to another town and that would have caused too much upheaval for my father who lives with me.

[Jorja]

When and whom to tell is a problem we all face. For me, I told my family within a few days of making the decision to transition. I felt that I would rather have it come from me first hand than someone else. Next, I told my closest friends. After that, it was on a "need to know" basis. I found Melody is right in saying it depends on what type of relationship you have with the person. I also like her Work through a list of names of your family & friends that you have ordered from 'Easiest' to 'Most Difficult' method. The problem I found with that idea was the people I thought were going to be the easiest to tell were usually the hardest. If you are working, go to the company HR and develop a plan with them for announcing it to the other employees. Once you open this can of worms you can't close it. Be prepared for negative reactions. Most important here is how you handle the negative reactions. Do Not get into a screaming match with someone. Show you are better than that and handle through the proper channels.

Not everyone is going to like your decision so be prepared mentally to loose a few friends and family members. For the most part you will find that more positive responses will be the normal. You will likely gain a few new friends.

[Jay Cee]

It was a fairly simple decision to take, do I talk to the local press and accept their assurances about how they would treat my story? Or do I let them go ahead with no input from me and give it whatever spin they choose? There was no third option...

Sounds reasonable to me. Sorry that your story got mauled by that other paper, Rianna.

Tell folks at a wedding or other large event, preferably during the toast to the bride and groom. That way, you don't need to talk to everyone separately. ;)

Seriously, I don't have an answer, as I've only told my gf. Good luck, Marissa

[Areyan]

i have told all of my family of origin and one very important half-sister who is accepting. the rest think i'm going through some phase or that i'm sick. nearly a year later and they're all still waiting for me to admit i'm wrong, or that i'm just mentally ill. the one sister who does accept me reminds me it's not always going to hurt or suck getting through this. good luck with coming out.

[Jorja]

i have told all of my family of origin and one very important half-sister who is accepting. the rest think i'm going through some phase or that i'm sick. nearly a year later and they're all still waiting for me to admit i'm wrong, or that i'm just mentally ill. the one sister who does accept me reminds me it's not always going to hurt or suck getting through this. good luck with coming out.

Your one sister is right. It won't always suck. There will come a day when you have completed your transition and will be able to live life as it was ment to be. Hang in there!