Question from Anonymous GG

[ReineD]

Hi everyone,

Every once in awhile we get a question from one of our GGs that she wishes to post here anonymously. So without further ado, here it is:


Would you go ahead and meet another CD that lived near you even if your SO was uncomfortable with the idea?


EDIT

Folks, the GG in question has requested that I add the following. Note that we are now up to post #12, so anyone answering after that, please keep this in mind:



Reine, can you add a note that the question stated "if the SO was uncomfortable". It didn't state that the SO said NO you can't go see someone, she just expressed that she is not comfortable with it... I think a few are reading past the question thinking the spouse said "No you can't go meet someone".

[Eryn]

I would not. That would be blatantly disrespectful. My SO has my best interests at heart and if she isn't comfortable there must be a good reason behind that discomfort. If I don't understand the reason she'll explain it.

[ColleenCD]

Nope, the relationship with my wife is more important to me than any other relationship. I would use the statement of her request to dig deeper as to why she felt that way. Hope that helps.

Colleen

[dilane]

Would you meet a girlfriend even if your husband was uncomfortable with the idea?

I would call a husband who controlled his wife to that extent a bit over the top.

I suppose the issue is trust -- what the husband would do with that person? Or where they would go?

If trust is the real issue, that is what needs addressing, imo. There are SOB TV's who lie and cheat on their spouses, and there are wives/GF's who are so hostile to the whole thing that they want to imprison their mates.

Either situation is bad. If there's no trust or loyalty, there's not much of a relationship, in my view.

-- Diane

[Kittykitty]

If a person feels the need to socialize then a comfortable environment for all parties should be considered.
It is natural to socialize and natural to worry.
If there was no hope of me ever socializing then yes, i would eventually snap (after years.)
If there was an outlet to socialize, maybe even just hanging out with friends, then no.

Everyone should be made to feel as comfortable as possible.

[Stephanie Miller]

I don't even let ME (Stephanie) visit me when she doesn't want her to. So why would I visit an outsider?
Respect for each other ( as well as respect for her mean upercut:heehee:) has helped us make it for 35 years.

[Chickhe]

It depends on the context. I would think it would be okay to scope out the local CDing club where you have no previous or post history, for example. But, I would not join such a club unless I told my wife, mostly for the same reason I would tell her I joined a photograhy club or something. For an individual, they would have to be accepted by my wife in much the same way any friend would have to be. Overall though, it is trust.... I guess if its anything she wouldn't feel comfortable with you doing with someone else, if she was present, then its off limits.

[Pythos]

YES I WOULD. Now would I meet that cd for a romantic rendezvous? Absolutely not. That is the key now in'it?

Now an SO limiting their SO in the manner suggested is just way over controlling and as eluded to a man could not control his wife in this way without facing a whole heck of a lot of grief. Those that are saying the marriage is more important than having friends, how much do you like your gilded cage? You marriage should not EVER be threatened by the acquiring of a friend.

[Danielle.N]

No. I can't think of anything I'd want to do bad enough that I would ignore her discomfort to do it.

[Farrah Rose]

I would never want to intentionally do anything that made my wife uncomfortable. So i would respecet her wishes, and im sure it would work the same for her.

[Samantha Scott]

It depends on the circumstances. If it's someone I have chatted to on-line and my wife knows all about it, then yes I would meet but only as friends, nothing else. It's the same way that my wife would not meet up with someone who she just met.

[Coreyincs]

No. I would offer for my SO to come along. If she was still uncomfortable, I would not go. Its not a cage, its respect.

[Eryn]

Would you meet a girlfriend even if your husband was uncomfortable with the idea?

I would call a husband who controlled his wife to that extent a bit over the top.

I suppose the issue is trust -- what the husband would do with that person? Or where they would go?

If trust is the real issue, that is what needs addressing, imo. There are SOB TV's who lie and cheat on their spouses, and there are wives/GF's who are so hostile to the whole thing that they want to imprison their mates.

Either situation is bad. If there's no trust or loyalty, there's not much of a relationship, in my view.

If my wife was about to get herself into a situation where she might be in danger I would certainly let her know that I was uncomfortable with the idea and I believe that my wife would respect that. It has nothing to do with control. Part of trust is understanding that sometimes one of us sees danger in a situation that the other does not. She's my safety net and I am hers.

[Tina B.]

Yes I would, I don't pick my wifes friends, and I'm not ready for her or anyone else make mine. Now I would never meet for anything other than conversation, and drinks, but that would be the same wither it was a women, or a CD.
Tina B.

[SometimesDiana]

I can see both sides. Meeting another CD would make your SO happy, but you would be uncomfortable. Not meeting another CD would make you comfortable, but your SO would be unhappy. Which is more important? Your comfort or your partners happiness? Unfortunately, either outcome will serve the interest of only one party.

One the one hand, she probably "shouldn't" because it makes you uncomfortable. On the other hand, she probably "could" because you didn't say that she "couldn't."

[eluuzion]

Assuming the goal is to support and strengthen the relationship bond, not weaken it...

No, I would not go under those circumstances. I would recognize it as an issue that will likely arise again. That would be a flag telling me that the issue needs to be discussed together until my SO & I arrived at some resolution that both of us could live comfortably with.

Both parties bring emotional "baggage" into a relationship. If one or both had some bad experiences in the past, they might be more sensitive to such scenarios. It is not about the way somebody "should or should not be", it is about the way they are. Support is just that, supporting your SO. Whether it "makes sense" to you is irrelevant. The fact that it makes sense to your SO is what matters. You either adapt to the needs of your partner, and support them, or you don't. It depends on how serious you take a relationship, and how long you want it to last.

~You are "all in" or you are not.~

If you want to do things your way all the time you should be single.(or will be eventually if you are married now :heehee:)

So, no...going out in that scenario would not be worth the trade-off, which would be upsetting my SO.

Just my thoughts...
:love:

[TG-Taru]

First reaction was to say yes, with reassuring and offering to take the SO with, and go somewhere safe, as many times as it took to get more comfortable (-even if the motivation would be to be able to talk/get support without the SO present, that could be done at a future meeting after a comfort level was reached). But then... it would depend on just how uncomfortable and why. Maybe not that time, or the next, or the one after that, but it couldn't be left like that forever - at least not without talking it properly over and agreeing. So I guess what I'm saying is, there is no absolute yes or no answer, without knowing the full situation and all involved (at the/each time). My advice would be, make sure to tell just how uncomfortable it feels and why, and take it from there.

[Kathy4ever]

In my situation I would not go see another Cd if my wife was uncomfortable. If I want my wife to accept my dressing then I think I should cater to her feelings. Some times we just have to be the bigger person. Feelings and sentiment can run strong in this type of relationship.

[Shari]

No, I would not go.
To go would be an act if selfishness.

[TxKimberly]

YES I WOULD. Now would I meet that cd for a romantic rendezvous? Absolutely not. That is the key now in'it?. . .

I agree with Pythos - yes I would go meet them, but certainly not for any kind of romantic rendezvous.

When I told my wife years and years and years (*deep breath*) and years ago, it soon became evident that it wasn't fair to drop such an emotional load on her and then expect that SHE can't speak to anyone and must keep her own emotions, misgivings, and concerns all bottled up. Telling her eased my emotional load at the expense of putting a heavy load on her, and giving her the freedom to speak to others eases that load.

My point is that WE sometimes need to be able to talk to others. WE need to know that we aren't alone and that there are others just like us. After a lifetime of hiding and keeping secrets, it is a wonderful thing to speak to someone who understands where you have been and how you feel. Would I forgo that just because my wife was "uncomfortable" at the idea? Probably not . . .

[kristinacd55]

If it's for sex, absolutely not. But to hang out, or be with a bunch of other ladies for a social gathering I would still do it. And now that I do go out to these functions, the next step is for my wife to come along which we've discussed doing. My :2c:

[Joanagreenleaf]

I would because in the end, it's my call what I do and don't do.

My former wife, while supportive, had concerns about where I was going and who I was meeting sometimes. But, I met people all the time who were strangers (or, strange) due to work assignments, accidental encounters, house parties, etc. My wife wasn't my mother, or, my guardian angle (she may be now) and there are points in life everyday where you have to use your own good sense to do what you're doing and get back home safely.

This was about twenty years ago, and I had to put my foot down on going out on my own at all. My sense was that these were outing I needed to make and that would, in the end, turn out to actually be good for us. Rather than resent her for keeping me at home, or, fretting that I was missing out on something, it made more sense to go than to not. Since I handled myself well, and we could talk about how things went, it did turn out to be a positive thing all around.

This all reminds me of people's concerns about someone else going off and "having sex" while crossdressed, etc. A bit ridiculous, the "power" of worry...

First, when you say, "I'll be gone about five hours" what's to keep your spouse from cheating on YOU?

Second, particularly when it comes to gay sex, your odds are much better if you DON'T dress as a woman; women are not their "thing."

Third, a cheater is a cheater - they aren't going to tell you what they're going to do because they lie as part of what they do.

Last, if someone has to have sex, or, wants to try it, they will find a way. (Didn't you?) That there are laws, rules, and boundaries doesn't dictate behavior, it only lets people know what the punishments will be when they get caught. These people who worry needlessly - worry after everything that needs to be said and done, has already been said and done.

If your SO does what you don't like and it turns out to have been as bad as you thought, THEN kick them to the curb. They'll go... because they knew what not to do and did it anyway - and getting kicked to the curb is on them and they know it.

So, to the GG who asked... If you love well, understand that they may be finding their way in life and you'll just have to trust that some things need to be experienced before things can proceed in other areas. My wife used to say, "You can try that... But, if you do "a, b, or, c" just don't come home." Fair enough.

If you're sending your CD off into that big world, prepare them for that world by giving them the words to say, "Nah, my wife wouldn't like that" and hope that's enough to ward off trouble. If it isn't, well, you'll have to deal with it later, just like you do everything else that comes up in life.

[Dawn cd]

First, you have to talk about her feelings of being "uncomfortable." Are they reasonable feelings, or unreasonable? If they are unreasonable feelings, based on irrational imaginings, then I don't think a partner is obliged to shape his life and actions around them. And if these irrational feelings bubble up every time you go out, then (for your own peace of mind) you don't always have to tell her where you're going. Yet feelings, however irrational, must be acknowledged and discussed as part of your fundamental relationship to your SO.

Dawn

[Rachel05]

No if my SO was uncomfortable with it then I definitely would not go and make the meeting, but my SO only tolerates me dressing, she doesn't partake in it with me so going to a meet against her wishes would send out the wrong message to her in my mind

[Jessica S]

We talk a lot about our SO being accepting and how great that is. I think this has to be a two way street, If my SO stated that she was uncomfortable with a situation, what ever it maybe, then I would have to respect her thoughts and either try ease her troubled feelings about it , if that did not work, then I would not do it because she has been already accommodating to my dressing. There has to be some give and take not just me me me.

[kimdl93]

I wouldn't meet another CD or a GG if my SO was uncomfortable with it.

[DonniDarkness]

Would you go ahead and meet another CD that lived near you even if your SO was uncomfortable with the idea?


Anonymous,

The answer to this question is not something we can really answer for you. You have to ask yourself why exactly you are uncomfortable with the idea. As a CD married to a wonderfully supportive SO i would have to ask why my wife was uncomfortable with me going in the first place, there must be some kind of dialog going as to why she feels that way. All fears and uncertainty are valid, no matter how big or small....find the reason for the fear and work past it with respect for one another.

Communication is key here because both of you need to be able to express your concerns and expectations of the meeting. Why your CD wants to go and why you feel uncomfortable with the situation.

All in all....if the two of you communicate about this in a way to help to understand each others emotions, it will not matter whether or not your CD does go, because the two of you will have become stronger as a couple.

Keep Communicating,

-Donni-

[Stephanie47]

I'm in a DADT relationship with my wife. I am also a in-home cross dresser. I would love to have her be more accepting of me as a CDer. The first hurdle for me is to dress in front of her without her being edgy or blatantly hostile. I'm sure she has fear that my cross dressing would become known to family, friends or neighbors. So, I would NOT venture forth and meet another individual CDer while en femme. I think such an encounter needs to have the approval of the SO because it involves boundaries. I am not a person who is an 'in your face' guy, who will do whatever I feel like. I do NOT do that in any activity. I do meet once a month or so with a GG on matters totally unrelated to CDing. We have coffee. My wife has met her and knows she is a friend with a common interest.

If I did have the desire to go out en femme and actually meet other CDers, I would seek her approval. I would not meet a CDer en femme on a one on one encounter. I would love to meet other cross dressers. If I could muster the courage I would love to meet CDers in a group encounter at a convention. For years I thought of attending the annual convention like the one held at Port Angeles, WA (ESPRIT). Even then I would seek the approval of my wife.

The last thing I would ever want to do is cause embarrassment to my wife, whether it was CDing activity or some other activity.

[Iskandra]

My partner is bi, I'm not, so there is more reason for me to object her to go out with the girls..
She's been out before with gg's I know shes had a 'crush' on...
Do I feel nervous? Heck yes, do I object, heck no!
I trust her with my money, I trust her with everything thats prescious to me, why would I not trust her with herself, my most prescious?
No trust, no relationship... imho...

I..

[Pythos]

Missdonni hit the nail on the head.

I must ask though. To those that seem to have the knee jerk reaction of "I would not do what my made my SO uncomfortable". Why? Why would you not do it? What if it was not something related to your CDing. What if your SO was uncomfortable about you riding a motorcycle if you owned one. What if they were uncomfortable about you going to a baseball game, I mean after all there was a severe beating that made national news that took place at such an event. What if the SO was concerned for your safety attending an auto race where it is not uncommon for someone to get smashed by a piece of a racer that crashes.

Here is something else. It is my understanding that long ago (victorian era) wives were not really allowed to leave the house without their husband. This was due to the man's fear that the woman would do something that could shame him. This was especially common in well to do families. Is an SO limiting their SO in the way suggested in the Opening post no different than that?

I had a friend give up his Beechcraft Bonanza because his SO was uncomfortable with his flying it. In the end he ended up without the plane and the SO.

Oh, and pardon my ignorance, but, what is a DADT relationship?

When I make reference to the "gilded cage" I am not mincing words. Someone being controlled either by guilt or ultimatum is living in a gilded cage, and that to me is a very unhealthy relationship.

[JamieG]

Given the SO simply said she was uncomfortable, and didn't say "No", I think I would have to discuss it with her to see why she was uncomfortable. Does she have valid fears? Sometimes I've told my wife that I'd like to do something, and she's expressed discomfort about how risky it was, and in turn convinced me that it was a bad idea in the first place. Can I allay her fears? If not, but she likewise couldn't get me to see inherent risks in the activity, I think it would come down to the circumstances. Have I been able to meet other CDers whether or not in groups or individually? If not, then I think I would go, but take precautions (meet in a public place, be in drab, etc.). Meeting others who share similar stories can help us to better accept ourselves, which in the end makes us better partners. If instead I have other outlets for my CD expression, then I think not going would be better overall for the relationship. I have also often canceled plans to go out to a TG meeting when my wife wasn't feeling up to getting the kids to bed by herself that evening.

[JenniferS]

No I would not go. I would not want to destroy her trust in me and her support.

JenniferS

[theresa]

I would not do something that my SO felt uncomfortable with, no matter what the circumstances. Why not invite her to come along to meet your friends?

[Kaz]

I suspect that I am with Missdonni on this too. I would want to know why she was uncomfortable, and this would also tie into why I was wanting to meet up. For me I would only be meeting up to share experiences, issues etc.. a face-to-face version of this site. If the reason for meeting was clarified and she was still uncomfortable again, I would want to dig into what was behind it. If for me it was all innocent and non-problematical, i.e. it wouldn't hurt/change things I would probably then go ahead regardless and tell her afterwards how it went so she could share how straightforward it was.

At the end of the day we are not monsters (well none that I know of!).. if somebody I knew's SO had a problem with them meeting up with me I would feel pretty crap and probably socially abused.. unless they knew me and genuinely didn't like me!

I treat everyone on their own merits and without prejudice... I find that it makes for a better world.

[Sophie86]

Would you go ahead and meet another CD that lived near you even if your SO was uncomfortable with the idea?

Yes. There's not much of this that my wife is really comfortable with, and she realizes that her discomfort can't be the sole factor determining what I get to do. If she's more than just uncomfortable--if she's anxious, worried, stressed, going nuts--then she has the right to say 'no'. Of course, sometimes she stops short of saying 'no' to something, and I realize that she'd really like to say 'no', but is right on the edge with it and not sure that she should. If it's not something that I feel like I have to do, then I just take it as 'no'. That's 25 yrs of experience combined with a determination to make it through another 25 yrs. If you've stopped short of saying 'no', though, and you're expecting him to read your mind, don't. Just tell him that it's causing you intense anxiety, and you would really love it if he wouldn't do that. If he's any kind of a woman, he'll understand.

[Meg East]

No, I value, respect and trust my wife's opinion and judgement too much to ignore her feelings.

[suchacutie]

I think I need to establish a mind-set here as the basis for the rest: I never go out of the house without asking my wife to be with me. If I have a social engagement, even a semi-work engagement, I would prefer the company of my wife (if my work colleague is uncomfortable with discussing work issues in the presence of my wife, then I explain that and reluctantly go alone, but for as short of a time as I can allot to the meeting). Likewise, my wife only goes out with a girlfriend without me for the comfort of that girlfriend's conversation, and many times we all go out together.

Thus, if I were setting up a meeting with another CD, it would have been my wife that I asked to go with me first, before asking the other CD. If they were asking, my response would be, "I'll see if my wife is free". This would be true regardless of the gender, or gender presentation of the other person.

Ok...so much for the introduction. My direct answer to the question is that is it not reasonable to expect understanding from a male partner by telling that partner simply, "I'm uncomfortable with that" (whatever the "that" is). There should always be an explanation of the source of the lack of comfort, and it could be as simple as "I'm uncomfortable that you aren't asking me to go with you".

On the other hand, if your husband is truly embracing his feminine side, the word "uncomfortable" should be a red flag to continue the conversation. I would immediately assume that the word "uncomfortable" means "I want to discuss this a lot". It's also likely that you want to discuss it with him in male mode. Have I guessed correctly? If I am right, it might be useful to explain to him the meaning and the implications of "uncomfortable" and how another woman would have interpreted your meaning :)

But, I would suggest that you don't assume he understands what you mean. We who are socialized from boys to men have a very different interpretation of some words, and it takes us a while to learn how to change that thinking.

tina

[Bootsiegalore]

YES I WOULD. Now would I meet that cd for a romantic rendezvous? Absolutely not. That is the key now in'it?

Now an SO limiting their SO in the manner suggested is just way over controlling and as eluded to a man could not control his wife in this way without facing a whole heck of a lot of grief. Those that are saying the marriage is more important than having friends, how much do you like your gilded cage? You marriage should not EVER be threatened by the acquiring of a friend.

DITTO....

Mostly you two have to decide what is acceptable. If he wants anything other than to meet and have a friendship then it is a no no.

[Lorileah]

The uncomfortable part implies that she would think maybe more than just friendship is in the cards, so probably not. I would hold back for awhile and then somehow try and show it was just a friendship and there was no worry about "other things".

I haven't had this scenario yet, as stated earlier we didn't have to have the same circle of friends but usually her friends became mine and vice versa

[Tasha McIntyre]

Unless there was a really good argument put forward by my wife I probably would meet up. I am happy to say that I have met several other CDers in person with my wifes knowledge. The most recent time was on the weekend which is strictly non CD time (my own rule). I was umming and erring but my wife just smiled and said "I know you want to, so just go for a couple of hours". Very cool :)


yes I would go meet them, but certainly not for any kind of romantic rendezvous.

My point is that WE sometimes need to be able to talk to others. WE need to know that we aren't alone and that there are others just like us. After a lifetime of hiding and keeping secrets, it is a wonderful thing to speak to someone who understands where you have been and how you feel. Would I forgo that just because my wife was "uncomfortable" at the idea? Probably not . . .

Could not imaging this being expressed any better, my thoughts exactly Kimberly.



Oh, and pardon my ignorance, but, what is a DADT relationship?


Hi Pythos, DADT is don't ask / don't tell!

Tash :)

[Babette]

I have some questions for the Anonymous GG. Why are you or whomever uncomfortable with the meeting? Are there issues involving trust between the two of you? Do you know the person your SO is meeting and have real concerns about their character? Do you have an intuitive feeling that something is amiss? Don't take these questions as a negative direction. We all have feelings and we need to pay attention to them.

If my wife had concerns about anything I wanted to do, I would certainly respect her feelings enough to ask why. Maybe she noticed something that I had missed. If it truly bothered her, then I need to ask myself if it was really worth pursuing. Maybe I hadn't fully explained my reasons or intentions. If she fully understood me and was still uncomfortable, I would not add to her anguish and go through with it.

For the record, my wife has encouraged me to meet and visit with other CDs. There is a lot of trust in our relationship and I have no intentions of ruining that.

Babette

[TxKimberly]

I thought I should add that my wife would be invited to go with me. I think that is a most important symbol if nothing else. MY wife knows that she is welcome to join me in all things that I do. This is important because it tells her that she is welcome to be a part of it, and it tells her that I am doing nothing that she or I would be ashamed of. My wife has made it clear that she really doesn't care to join me in anything TG related, but I still offer, and I still invite, and she still knows that she is welcome in all that I do.
I think that the moment you say "I'm off to do this or that" and then you make it clear that your wife is not welcome to join you, this leaves room for concern in her mind.

[AllieSF]

I am not in a relationship so have no vested interest in someone that I would want to keep on solid footing. Since I also dress to go out and I go out a lot, I know that I could never become a closet dresser. So, taking that into consideration, if my new SO said that she was uncomfortable with me going out dressed to meet another TG, I would ask for clarifications, and unless there was something super serious, I would thank her for her concern and go. She would have already known about my need to go out dressed. I would have no problem asking her along. However, if the person I am meeting would feel uncomfortable with her presence, I would tell my SO that and go alone.

[Daphne Renee]

I will have to agree with the others that they would need more of a valid reason than just she is uncomfortable with it.
If I thought the reasons were valid then I probably would not go. However I dont choose her friends and dont want her to choose mine.

[Momarie]

I thought I should add that my wife would be invited to go with me. I think that is a most important symbol if nothing else. MY wife knows that she is welcome to join me in all things that I do. This is important because it tells her that she is welcome to be a part of it, and it tells her that I am doing nothing that she or I would be ashamed of. My wife has made it clear that she really doesn't care to join me in anything TG related, but I still offer, and I still invite, and she still knows that she is welcome in all that I do.
I think that the moment you say "I'm off to do this or that" and then you make it clear that your wife is not welcome to join you, this leaves room for concern in her mind.

May I say, it is no wonder that this frame of thought is why you have a devoted, loving, successfull partnership.
Your care, concern and consideration of your wife is lovely.

[Karren H]

If my wife says no... I don't do it...

[Sophie86]

If my wife says no... I don't do it...

What if she just said "I'm uncomfortable with that?" Do you translate that as 'no', or do you expect her to actually say no?

[Pythos]

If I had a girlfriend or wife (she would know of, and accept my more creative side if she were to have those titles), she would most definitely be invited along. Hell I would be sure to invite her along. If she clearly does not like something I do with other guys (such as wrenching on a plane, car, or boat) then I would not limit myself from those activities. I would be sure to invite her however.

I hope one day I can put all this stuff I spout to the test. LOL

[Nancie64]

While out in Vegas the last time I had set up a time to go out and do a photo shoot and my SO was planning on going along but a couple hours before we were to meet for the pictures, she felt uncomfortable. She could not put her finger on what it was but we did cancel the photo session and their were no problems. Now days you just never know. Many treads on here always tell us to be careful, so be careful.

[JaytoJillian]

YES I WOULD. Now would I meet that cd for a romantic rendezvous? Absolutely not. That is the key now in'it?

Now an SO limiting their SO in the manner suggested is just way over controlling and as eluded to a man could not control his wife in this way without facing a whole heck of a lot of grief. Those that are saying the marriage is more important than having friends, how much do you like your gilded cage? You marriage should not EVER be threatened by the acquiring of a friend.

I am not allowed any friends, regardless of gender/orientation unless I meet them thru her friends, so as a result, I have none--My original friends no longer even call because she rants and raves for me to get off the phone and even picks up the other extension to eavsdrop. I no longer even speak with my dad because I was essentially forced into choosing between her and him. Oh yah, there is also the veiled yet very real threat to out me as a CD if I don't play along. Life in the cage sucks. Thanks for the space to vent.

[Billie Jean]

I am not allowed any friends, regardless of gender/orientation unless I meet them thru her friends, so as a result, I have none--My original friends no longer even call because she rants and raves for me to get off the phone and even picks up the other extension to eavsdrop. I no longer even speak with my dad because I was essentially forced into choosing between her and him. Oh yah, there is also the veiled yet very real threat to out me as a CD if I don't play along. Life in the cage sucks. Thanks for the space to vent.Why are you still in this relationship? Billie Jean

[Iskandra]

JaytoJillian,
You need to get out girl! that is an abusive relationship..
No-one deserves that!

I..

[Daphne Renee]

I am not allowed any friends, regardless of gender/orientation unless I meet them thru her friends, so as a result, I have none--My original friends no longer even call because she rants and raves for me to get off the phone and even picks up the other extension to eavsdrop. I no longer even speak with my dad because I was essentially forced into choosing between her and him. Oh yah, there is also the veiled yet very real threat to out me as a CD if I don't play along. Life in the cage sucks. Thanks for the space to vent.

I cant tell you what to do. This however sounds like emotional abuse. If you dont have any friends and you dont even speak your parents who is she going to out you to? Not being comfortable with your cding is one thing but abuse is never acceptable. In my opinion you should probably get out of this relationship. Its not healthy. It could cause more problems later on in your life.

[NatalieBliss]

Personally it's not that important to me so no, I would not.

If, however it was important to me, I would never go without her knowing and I would elimate or lessen as much of her discomfort as possible. if we had a rational and honest conversation(s) about it and she ended up actually saying no, then I would respect that.

[Eryn]

What if she just said "I'm uncomfortable with that?" Do you translate that as 'no', or do you expect her to actually say no?

The natural follow-on question is "Why do you feel uncomfortable with that?"

[Danni Renee]

I had the opportunity recently to meet with a fellow member of the forum but I chose not to partly because I could tell my SO was uncomfortable with the idea. It turned out to be irrelevant as work would have prevented me from meeting anyway but it sort of kicked the can down the road for me and her to adress this issue.

I think your spouse/SO should have a voice in the matter and their concerns adressed. Although my SO is accepting of me, she has fears about me doing something that might damage mine and her relationship; I feel her feelings are understandable (if unfounded in my opinion) given where our relationship is right now. As we have grown together these last two months her fears are beginning to ease and I see a point in the future that meeting with others like myself without her will be acceptable. Until then I will acknowledge her concerns and work with her to help her feel comfortable.

[sometimes_miss]

I'm not really into meeting other crossdressers; but what I'm kind of answering is the underlying question of why a SO would object to it. If the SO is supportive of her mate's crossdressing, then she should have a say in what goes on and who he meets, perhaps going with him to meet the other person; after all,there is a lot going on here for women to understand about us, the major question that always arises is if he has any sexual desires for other men, and our women have the right to know that; after all, the only known reason women know of for dressing up pretty is to attract men, so they have the perfect justification for being concerned about it. OTOH, if she isn't supportive, then he has every right to find friends who support him, but he should know in advance that it may mean the end of the relationship.

[Mistybtm]

If i had a SO I would not go just out of respect for her feelings. then i would talk with the SO to find out why he/she feels that way.

[PretzelGirl]

No I wouldn't, at least initially. The question sounds like what is your immediate reaction. If she was uncomfortable (which for my wife is major), then it is time to find out why. After a long talk, then we see where we end up.

[BRANDYJ]

I am with those that would not go. My SO's feelings are very important to me. If I turn this question around and think about how I'd feel if she ignored my feelings and met someone while I was uncomfortable with it, I'd feel that I'm not that important to her and that my feelings don't count. Our trust in each other could not be better. Why would I do anything to give her cause to worry? Of course I'd like to know why she is uncomfortable with such a meeting. It would hurt if it was because she did not trust my fidelity. But that would be more reason not to go ahead and meet. And like Tex Kimberly said, she''d be invited to meet this person with me to begin with.

[Georgia Rose]

No, if my wife was uncomfortable about it I wouldn't do it. I appreciate her acceptance of my CDing and wouldn't do anything to upset that.

[VanessaVW]

If my wife was uncomfortable with it, I would not meet another CD. As others have said, her friendship and trust are far more important to me. We have a very good relationship and I wouldn't jeopardize that. She does have a set of guidelines to live by, and I'm totally good with that. One of these rules is "Wear anything you want."
I love her very much and I want to spend the rest of my days on earth with her.

[ReineD]

Here's the response from Anonymous GG:



Babette asked a couple questions and I would like to reply. If you could post the answers for me that would be awesome.


Why are you or whomever uncomfortable with the meeting? Are there issues involving trust between the two of you?
The CDing is still fairly new and I am still working out acceptance. He has been out in public once that I know of, and not because he told me. Again I found out on my own and I wasn't happy. He took off his ring which to me should never be taken off or removed, only spouses who plan to do other things remove a wedding ring when going out some place. And he did not replace the ring with another, more feminine ring that would show he was committed and married. And there is a large trust issue with things that have been done in the past which I do not want to mention here. But these things would be a trust breaker for any relationship.



Do you know the person your SO is meeting and have real concerns about their character? Do you have an intuitive feeling that something is amiss?
I do not know this person(s) and I know that he does not know them all that well, only recently "met". Its feelings that I am not yet ready to deal with yet at this point with it being so fresh. A little bit has to do with others "knowing" when he really doesn't want anyone else to know, like family, friends, and our children. And then after the fact going out with him and maybe spotting one of the people he met and just having a rush of emotion inside knowing that things are progressing faster than I can handle and losing my breath for that moment. We don't live in a big town, it's rather a small area. Once he has met these people chances are we could easily cross them on the road. I know most of this probably for a lot of you CDer's is maybe selfish on my part, but I am still trying to deal with this new part of my SO. Things seem to speed up, then slow down, then speed up again. It's not very stable and that's kinda what I need right now.

[Samantha43]

Trust in a marriage is everything. If trust is lost, the marriage will suffer. I work every day to earn and maintain her trust. I would never do anything that she is uncomfortable with. She has known about my "hobby" since before we were married. At first she was tolerant, but over the 23 years of our marriage she has grown to enjoy having a crossdressing husband. I have always been completely honest and open with her and she has with me. Our marriage has been a good one.

No, I wouldn't do something she is uncomfortable with. I would ask her why she is uncomfortable and we would have a discussion. If she still felt uncomfortable, I wouldn't do it. She is a wonderful wife. Hurting her in any way would be unbearable for me.

I do go out on a limited basis. I always invite her to go with me. I do take my ring off, but I have a feminine set I wear when crossdressed.

In my experience, the crossdressers I have met enjoy having wives tag along. The conversations have always been fantastic. I feel including her has made her much more comfortable with my crossdressing, to the point of her even enjoying it.

I'm rambling on.... I wish you the best!

[Joann Smith]

No ..I would not go...and that should be good for a few hot meals and a back rub.

Joann

[JulieK1980]

I would never do anything that my SO was uncomfortable with. In fact I would see the uncomfortableness as a warning sign that something in our marriage wasn't quite where it should be, and would probably spend more time with my wife exploring that. (Particularly as that would be extremely out of the ordinary for her.)

[Philipa Jane]

This all started with a simple innocuous question, and as we now can see there was a little more to it than first met the eye.
If he was not forth coming with the information about his CD side what would make you think he would tell you that he had been out with a CD friend.
My wife was probably uncomfortable when I first met a fellow CD, but thought that it may help with my depression to have someone like minded to talk to.
I would not need to remove my wedding ring to do this so that point raises concerns.
She has always been invited to meet Suzy and has chosen not to.

Sometimes what you don't know can't hurt you. It's all a matter of trust.
PJ

[Joanagreenleaf]

The longer this thread goes on, the funnier it is to me... This idea of "approving/disapproving" who you see and talk to... How can anybody be sure who's meeting who? Silly idea.

You can think you're going to meet the plumber, he shows up and complains about his boyfriend being "such a bitch." You think you're meeting a dull couple for dinner, he notes that he's "bi" and frustrated that his wife won't do "swingles" night with him and "take the other guy's wife off our hands." You think your boss is this uptight guy, then he starts showing you pictures of his lesbian twin daughters who just made it into the pole dance finals at the local "titty" bar. (Yeah alcohol was involved, but still...)

Trust is more than a two-way street. It's a state of mind. You have to trust yourself to handle what the other half might do, get into, get done to them. Life throws too many curve balls to plan very far ahead, or, to insist that other's "do right" all the time. Trust, but verify. Then, do something if you have to. Otherwise, stay lose - you're going to need the energy for something.

[xd-tigger]

If my wife had any feelings that made her uncomfortable about me meeting a fellow CD then I would not go. Her feelings are at the for front of my dressing and I would on no way go against her feelings.

I really hope this helps, if your friend and her partner spoke about the situation they may be able to come to a compromise, maybe she could meet the CD'er too.

Hope all goes well.

[Billie Jean]

Sounds to me by what JaytoJillian said that she wouldn't let him do it because she is a control freak. He needs to have his own friends. She won't let him even see his male friends without her approval. He needs to get away from her quick. Billie Jean

[Fab Karen]

I am not allowed any friends, regardless of gender/orientation unless I meet them thru her friends, so as a result, I have none--My original friends no longer even call because she rants and raves for me to get off the phone and even picks up the other extension to eavsdrop. I no longer even speak with my dad because I was essentially forced into choosing between her and him. Oh yah, there is also the veiled yet very real threat to out me as a CD if I don't play along. Life in the cage sucks.
Some of us have counseled you before about talking with a lawyer to protect yourself in order to get out of that living hell. Others have talked about their wives making that threat & that they were able to survive it to move on to a life of sanity. At least start with talking to a therapist about the whole situation.

[Alice B]

I have met CDs from my area with my wife's knowledge. These are on night I go out with her OK. Were she to say no I would not, but she knows and is OK with it.

[Samantha43]

I am not allowed any friends, regardless of gender/orientation unless I meet them thru her friends, so as a result, I have none--My original friends no longer even call because she rants and raves for me to get off the phone and even picks up the other extension to eavsdrop. I no longer even speak with my dad because I was essentially forced into choosing between her and him. Oh yah, there is also the veiled yet very real threat to out me as a CD if I don't play along. Life in the cage sucks. Thanks for the space to vent.

WOW! She sounds like an insecure control freak! I feel for you sister.

[Jocelyn Quivers]

No I would not, my wife places very few restrictions or rules upon me. Of the few she does have, I am not allowed to meet another CD in person unless it is in the setting of a Tri-Ess meeting, or similar type event. I have better sense than to ruin a good thing. So, if that's one of her very few rules, I gladly choose to obey it.

[TGMarla]

I really don't go out much. And were I to do so, it would likely be on a Saturday while my wife was at work. She's not real approving of my crossdressing, and I hesitate to think what she'd feel about me going out to meet another CD. I'd never meet one for any kind of sexual purpose. I'm just not interested. It would be more for lunch and shopping, I think. But were I to actually go meet someone, I'd likely not tell her. It's a long shot that it ever happens anyway.

[Mistybtm]

I am not allowed any friends, regardless of gender/orientation unless I meet them thru her friends, so as a result, I have none--My original friends no longer even call because she rants and raves for me to get off the phone and even picks up the other extension to eavsdrop. I no longer even speak with my dad because I was essentially forced into choosing between her and him. Oh yah, there is also the veiled yet very real threat to out me as a CD if I don't play along. Life in the cage sucks. Thanks for the space to vent.

Wow I could not live like that. IMO It is time to get out of that relationship and move on.

[BRANDYJ]

The CDing is still fairly new and I am still working out acceptance. He has been out in public once that I know of, and not because he told me. Again I found out on my own and I wasn't happy. He took off his ring which to me should never be taken off or removed, only spouses who plan to do other things remove a wedding ring when going out some place. And he did not replace the ring with another, more feminine ring that would show he was committed and married. And there is a large trust issue with things that have been done in the past which I do not want to mention here. But these things would be a trust breaker for any relationship.

Anonymous GG, you have every right and reason to be concerned. From what you say, things in the past have already given you reason to lose trust in him. That alone would hurt me if my SO lost trust in me. I'd be bending over backwards to earn that trust back since it is very important to me. Once trust is broken next the respect and love can fade real fast. If he cares for you and loves you, he'd be well advised to understand he has a lot to prove ion his ability to not hide his activities who he sees, when and why. He should not go to meet anyone if you feel the least bit uncomfortable. Your discomfort seems to be because of past issues as well as your recent discovery of his cross dressing. He needs to worry about winning...no earning... your trust back instead. You are so right, these things would be a trust breaker in any relationship. He had better start appreciating you or he is going to end up alone and wonder why.


I do not know this person(s) and I know that he does not know them all that well, only recently "met". Its feelings that I am not yet ready to deal with yet at this point with it being so fresh. A little bit has to do with others "knowing" when he really doesn't want anyone else to know, like family, friends, and our children. And then after the fact going out with him and maybe spotting one of the people he met and just having a rush of emotion inside knowing that things are progressing faster than I can handle and losing my breath for that moment. We don't live in a big town, it's rather a small area. Once he has met these people chances are we could easily cross them on the road. I know most of this probably for a lot of you CDer's is maybe selfish on my part, but I am still trying to deal with this new part of my SO. Things seem to speed up, then slow down, then speed up again. It's not very stable and that's kinda what I need right now.

I can understand your concern since you do not know this person at all and that all this is still so new to you. Again, he needs to back off and focus on your wants, needs and concerns before he further delves into friendships or relationships with others. my heart goes out to you. You said it all when you said you need stability right now. Not more reason to be worried or uncomfortable. It seems like time for a long sit down talk. It's time you express those concerns and tell him that you need to set some boundaries if you are ever gonna be able to accept this part of who he is. You should tell him that he needs to earn your trust back. Tell him he is hurting you by not considering your feelings.
If he does not agree to your boundaries, and slow down, he will end up losing you. In the end, your love, your caring and sharing should be more important to him then his CDing. If not, he only proves he is not worthy of you and your love. You are here for help and to learn whaty he might be dealing with. He should know that he should really appreciate that from you. So many CD's would give anything to have their spouse at least come here and try to understand and accept. This alone makes you special. I hope he sees this before it's to late.

[Momarie]

JaytoJillian:

1. Way to hyjack a thread.
2. You are not a victim, you volunteered for this shit.

[Pythos]

Then again, he may not OWN a more feminine wedding band. Where would he acquire one of those and not raise alarm bells.
He hid the fact he crossdresses from you because he may not be as trusting as YOU think he should be. We here are doing something that for some reason stands the risk of breaking up marriages that even alcoholism wouldn't break, which I think is absolutely insane.

Do you know FOR SURE that he is doing this to pick up men? If he is then he is doing no one a favor. But if he is just going out in styles he likes but due to stupid societal limitations he has to run under the radar, then talk to him about it.


Things seem to speed up, then slow down, then speed up again. It's not very stable and that's kinda what I need right now.
And this varies from every other relationship how?

I hope I am not coming across as if I am attacking, that is not my intention. It is just I am seeing someone that is letting things confuse that could be easily be corrected by communication. What if he was not meeting a CD, but instead was meeting a train enthusiast from the train club he joined without your knowledge and has spent thousands of dollars on the hobby? (just an example of some of the more innocuous things guys hide from their wives.) Why is his meeting of this person that you don't know is being treated so differently than if the example situation was taking place? Are you concerned about some infidelity happening.? Then what you need to do is voice your concerns.

[DonniDarkness]

Anonymous,

I read the answers you had to the questions that Babette asked, and it is leaving me with a few thoughts on this situation.

If the two of you have had problems in the past then to truly work through them they have to stay in the past. Are these past events something you two have worked through together and found some common ground again to start over?
Starting over involves leaving the past where it is, because otherwise these fears and uncomfortable feelings just keep dredging up something that you both have worked through as a couple. If these events that happened in the past were never worked though and just left there in the back of your minds, then really that is exactly where the two of you need to start before you even say one word to each other about crossdressing or meeting other crossdressers.

Be friends first...before husband and wife, you love each other so the rest will fall into place. If it is possible you should go with him, go meet for coffee or lunch....but only after you two have truly moved on...or at least making a conscious effort

-Donni-

[Kim_Bitzflick]

For me I would ask her why she was uncomfortable. My wife just doesn't want to see me get hurt (physically or mentally). So if it is something like that, I most likely would go but try to make the situation as safe as possible (for example, I only meet strangers in a public place with other people around). If it is for other reasons, I would have to think about it. But in the end, I would not go if she didn't want me to go.

As for the ring issue, My wife & I have an interesting situation with the wedding ring. In Male mode I haven't worn a ring in a few years because I have an allergic reaction to the metal (after 15 years of wearing it). In all that time, she has never been concerned about me wearing it (I have asked her many times to get me a new ring too). but in female mode, I wear an inexpensive "wedding" ring. In addition, her ring has gotten too small so she stopped wearing hers, and it doesn't bother me.

She trusts me and the ring doesn't matter. What matters is that I am faithful to her and have always been.

[ginafaye]

no....only if my wife knew and aproved ,

[LoriWDC]

I had the same issue with my EX (and this is exactly why she is ex) GF. She got me started with dressing which had never really been something I thought I'd be into (consciously anyway).We were both bi, quite sexually experienced and open to most alternative type adventures. But Holy F***! I had never been aroused so quickly, mentally & physically, by anything before. I was hooked. I soon discovered that just the preparations one takes to make that m2f transition was in itself, an intensely arousing experience. As time passed & I got more at ease with it. She did as well & would always set a weekend night once a month for us to have a lesbian gurls night. The desire to meet & enchange info/hang out with & yes, to have sex with other cd gurls got stronger over time. Our regular sex life was in no way diminished & I wasn't demanding I be allowed to go off whoring alone. I think, because of the very private & somewhat vulnerable nature of being a crossdresser, there springs a need to feel accepted, have girltalk, be at ease & have an instant connection with others that are of like minds, "sisters" we say. I actually feel that this aspect is quite special and probably a side of our male selves we'd never have known existed. My GF said she understood totally & was up for taking things to the next level.

There were 2 gurls I (and my GF too) had chatted with for online for some time we considered friends (plus there was an intimate connection with them as well). Finally we all (incl GF) decided we should get together. It was decided a hotel suite would be the best place to meet and a date was set. The night of, as I'm about to step in the shower I asked my GF (who was sitting on the couch reading, completely stonefaced & showing no indications of getting ready to go anywhere) "Uh...Is something wrong? You look pissed." to which she replied " No, not really. I'm just not in the mood for this thing tonight." I was dumbstruck. "Uh...Ok. Well, then, what if I..." before I could finish even asking she continued on without looking up from the magazine "AND I'M KINDA UNCOMFORTABLE WITH YOU GOING THERE ALONE TOO." So you mean after months of buildup, anticipation, teasing, encouragement from you, exclamations of how hot the scene would be, how sexy we all look, the assurances again & again that you're completely ok with & highly aroused by the sexual aspect of the four of us being together, after all this time you for no apparant reason, pull the plug? I had to contact the other two, (one of who was driving in an hour away & had driven 2/3 of the way in) & cancel everything. I wasn't going to make up some BS excuse but I also had no good explanation to give them. I was embarrassed & got the feeling they thought I was lying and made the whole thing up. I would have if I were them. I never really got an answer as to why she did that shit from my ex either. That night marked the beginning of the end of the relationship.

So, my answer to the Anonymous Uncomfortable GG's question is: I would invite my SO to come along. If she wasn't up for it....I'd be disappointed but I'd absolutely go alone. Why? Because I would never be with a partner who "tolerates" a side of my personality that is acted on occassionally at best, that makes me happy, and is in no way harmful, destructive or abusive to her. Quite the opposite. I think, in a roundabout way, CDing affords me an inside perspective in understanding & relating to women (Well, except maybe one woman in particular) that most men will never be privy too. I guess my point is if we are continually denied the oppurtunity to release our "gurl", that need will build up until it becomes obsessive & perhaps wreckless. I agree with the other poster who said it was funny the "does my SO allow...." aspect of these replies. Allow? What are we? Are we men or are we....oh wait, damn I broke a nail typing. lol GG: Let him go have fun & stop worrying he's secretly a truckstop bathroom *****!