Crazy emotions

[Andrea85]

Spending the day with a certain friend today getting some of the paperwork filled out for beauty school today was awesome. She did English and writing tutoring where she used to live so she was a huge help. Anyway, while we were eating on Cumberland in Knoxville, she asked me if she could ask a question and I not be offended. With all the questions I've been asked about my transition, nothing about it offends me anymore. Like, at all. Well, she asked if I was 100% sure I really wanted to go all the way with it. I told her I've had my heart set on it since I was 5 years old. She didn't seem too ok with that answer, and I told her something I've never told anyone in my life, and you all get to hear it now. When I was 7, I knew that when puberty hit, I would become more masculine and that scared the living bejeezus outta me.

So I started searching the web and did so for weeks to find out what could stop it. I came to realize that testosterone would stop if I didn't have testicles. Al I wanted to do was cut them off. I actually spent over a month researching how to do it myself. Yes, I was willing to cut them off myself I wanted them gone so bad.

When I told her that, she didn't know what to say other than wow. I then told her if I could have the surgery done right then and there I'd say you're going with me cause I'm not gonna be able to drive after, lol. She seemed impressed I had that much drive to do all this.

We talked a bit while I wrote up the paper, and she asked me something about if when I was with her man (who is freakin' hot btw, lol) I felt like I needed to be more masculine around him because he said he felt more like he was talking to a guy than a woman. She said anytime she's talked to me that it's like she's talking to a natural born woman. I started thinking about it and I realized I do that around any guy I know that I talk to. Not the ones I meet online but at least in person. And that really bugs me too. I've worked my ass off to rid myself of these masculine mannerisms I used to pretend to everyone I was a hetero male, and I really thought I had progressed more than that. That really bothers me. All of my female friends, especially my bff Tiffanee who I love to death, feel like in talking to me that I've always been female. But around guys that seems to change and it gets me sorta depressed. I want rid of my faux masculine persona so bad, but it keeps rearing its ugly little head every time it can.

Anyway, on the way home from Cumberland, I started thinking through all my emotions and feeling about things and what she and I talked about. One thing was why I still dress as masculine as possible. Partly because I can't afford to buy any clothes to replace what my ex stole when she ran off with a man, but partly cause it's just what I'm used to. I feel like I should be far enough along I want rid of the clothes. But the thing about me is I've never been one to like getting new clothes. I wear stuff till it falls apart.

And then on top of that is my sexuality. As a male, I consider myself gay, even though I'm in a sort of relationship with a woman right now. That's a looooong story for another day. Other than with her, just the thought of women in a sexual sense is revolting to me. Like nauseatingly nasty. I still love women in the sense of their beauty and physical form and also as being the best people to be friends with, but sexually or emotionally, they disgust me. And that's where my "masculinity" tries coming out. Meeting a guy here in Sevier County or Knox County has yielded only perverts and freaks. None worth ever giving my number to, having a first date, or anything. That in its self is quite depressing for me, and I think thats making me want to go back to women. As a male, any woman I wanted, I got. I could make one fall in love with me on the first date or even before the first date. And I still have no problem doing that. But with guys it's a whole other story, and it gets me almost angry at myself and depressed at the same time.

I'm not really sure about the cause of these emotions and the basis of them, but I swear it has something to do with the clothes I wear. I don't think it's even the fact they're masculine clothes, but because they're to the extreme of masculine. I mean like straight legged , baggy jeans and baggy t shirts. I can't stand wearing this stuff, but I don't have much of any option to that right now.

What do you all think?

(sorry it's so long. i was going to post this on my blog but i wanted some opinions from you all too. still going in my blog though.)

[Longing2be-Trisha]

I to have wanted my testicles gone since I was 5. My problem was did not have internet when I was young and no one to talk to about the feelings of being a woman on the inside or how to stop the testosterone, let alone why I did not have a vagina. Then puberty hit which royally stunk and I hated. I also had to behave the way boys did to the best of my ability, but went to the extreme having to out lift and out in-dour others. I associated more with girls than boys, but never came out to anyone until this year. For years have tried to castrate myself and have come very close multipliable times. I never really thought about guys in a sexual way to much, because of one slip and things would have been disastrous for me. I never liked boys clothes and once bought shorts that were a little to feminine and was harassed for years. I loved those shorts. Since I came out my attitude has really changed toward mens clothing I hate them, but right now my wife is adjusting to all of this. I love look at womens clothes just want to try them on to find which one I'd like to wear home. I cry when I have to put on mens clothes everyday, and I don't have much of an option right now either. Emotions can go from one extreme to another, it is all part of life. What we take from our emotional moments is up to us to figure out. For me it was that my tremors all these years 42 of them was caused by hiding my true emotions about being a woman in a mans body and hated this body with a passion. My tremors have almost gone away since coming out which is nice they were a nuisance.

Hugs

[Aprilrain]

I see you have an 85 in your screen name, is that the year you were born? I was in my 20 the first time i logged on to the internet! LOL. Anyway, the whole genitals thing was a sticking point for me for awhile. I never thought much about my genitals one way or the other never hated my penis or testicles (the latter being rather useless now with the anti androgens) I still don't really think much one way or the other except when I think about bathing suits! which I have yet to buy one, kinda dreading that :O. I suppose if I found a guy who loved me with them I would just keep them. So I guess At the present I'm ambivalent about SRS. Have I always wanted a Vagina? Yes! but for me that doesn't equal hate the current equipment. I can't tell you how liberating it was taking all of those garbage bags full of mens clothes to the thrift store. YAY!!!! I'm full time now and I wear the clothes that fit me and feel right, they all happen to be clothes designed for and marketed to woman which works out since that is what I am. : ) I know a lot of girls here are financially strapped, but having a female presentation to the world is far more important to me than what is in between my legs. there are places to get clothes of any description on the cheap like thrift stores Walmart ect.
I talk, sound, act, express myself the same way to everyone male or female (the exception being my parents but that is slowly changing) I find that my femaleness is fairly constant, only when I'm really depressed and questioning myself or more likely saying "why me" do I really feel kinda male, I HATE THAT FEELING. My femininity waxes and wanes much more though. If I'm hanging out with my kids I don't feel very feminine at all (usually just tired!) but if I'm all dressed up to go out and flirt with guys I feel very feminine or if I'm hanging out with my girlfriends I'm sort of in the middle. Lately I have been horny as hell and really wanting the attention of a man so even if I'm just by myself in my apartment I feel really feminine because I think about sex nonstop! For me my femininity seems to be tied to my sexuality not necessarily in a liner fashion nor is it a one to one relationship but if I'm horny I feel very girly. Oddly enough I can kinda remember being sexually attracted to woman the thought of having sex with a woman doesn't disgust me or anything like that. but I have no desire to be with a woman anymore the only exception being my friend "M" cause she is an awesome person who I love dearly and I would gladly share an intimate moment with her.

[Andrea85]

I see you have an 85 in your screen name, is that the year you were born? I was in my 20 the first time i logged on to the internet! LOL. Anyway, the whole genitals thing was a sticking point for me for awhile. I never thought much about my genitals one way or the other never hated my penis or testicles (the latter being rather useless now with the anti androgens) I still don't really think much one way or the other except when I think about bathing suits! which I have yet to buy one, kinda dreading that :O. I suppose if I found a guy who loved me with them I would just keep them. So I guess At the present I'm ambivalent about SRS. Have I always wanted a Vagina? Yes! but for me that doesn't equal hate the current equipment. I can't tell you how liberating it was taking all of those garbage bags full of mens clothes to the thrift store. YAY!!!! I'm full time now and I wear the clothes that fit me and feel right, they all happen to be clothes designed for and marketed to woman which works out since that is what I am. : ) I know a lot of girls here are financially strapped, but having a female presentation to the world is far more important to me than what is in between my legs. there are places to get clothes of any description on the cheap like thrift stores Walmart ect.
I talk, sound, act, express myself the same way to everyone male or female (the exception being my parents but that is slowly changing) I find that my femaleness is fairly constant, only when I'm really depressed and questioning myself or more likely saying "why me" do I really feel kinda male, I HATE THAT FEELING. My femininity waxes and wanes much more though. If I'm hanging out with my kids I don't feel very feminine at all (usually just tired!) but if I'm all dressed up to go out and flirt with guys I feel very feminine or if I'm hanging out with my girlfriends I'm sort of in the middle. Lately I have been horny as hell and really wanting the attention of a man so even if I'm just by myself in my apartment I feel really feminine because I think about sex nonstop! For me my femininity seems to be tied to my sexuality not necessarily in a liner fashion nor is it a one to one relationship but if I'm horny I feel very girly. Oddly enough I can kinda remember being sexually attracted to woman the thought of having sex with a woman doesn't disgust me or anything like that. but I have no desire to be with a woman anymore the only exception being my friend "M" cause she is an awesome person who I love dearly and I would gladly share an intimate moment with her.

You would be correct. Born in April of 85. You were 20 when you first logged onto the web? Really? Lol, I was messing with software coding before I was 10. :heehee: Anyway, I can't wait to take all my male clothes to the dump, and I have so many friends here pushing me to do it. Not in a bad way, they're just pushing me to get me to get on with my life as a woman.

My thing is I don't really feel male, even in male clothing, just others read me that way. Heck, I'm confused as a woman regularly, getting ma'am'ed even in male clothes by men and women. I guess having hips, rather feminine face, and breasts that are quite obvious even in baggy male shirts helps, lol. What gets me is I don't really feel any more masculine in the situations I've been read as male. Like with my friends hubby for example. He and I talked about video games and construction. I know either are populated with a vast amount of females, but it was just part of my life for construction.

There's prolly more I should say, but I just pigged out on leftovers from the cookout at my friend Mindy's today. Had porkchops and potato salad. Hers was the first I've ever had, and it was sooooooo good. Both times eating it, I had more of it than anything else.

Time to go crash, lol.

[Aprilrain]

HA, when i was 10 you were born! so when you were 10 i was logging on to the internet for the first time. : )

[danielleb]

So I started searching the web and did so for weeks to find out what could stop it.

April beat me to it, but yeah, it wasn't until in my teens that we had internet around, haha. I think this is such a huge point for us older folk, that most of us would give anything to have such attainable acess to information in this fashion back in our childhoods! I didn't even know what a "Trans Person" was until my twenties, haha! Consider yourself lucky in that regard!:D

I too think that you just need to put forth the effort of purchasing some clothing that you like. It's not like you have to spend a ton of money and buy 100's of outfits. I'm in a fiscally challenged position right now, and while for me presenting as female (in hopes that maybe somehow I could be accepted as (without HRT:sad:)) is probably the only thing driving me through life right now, making me want to spend litterally every last dime I have to acheive it, I can tell you that the most satisfying purchases for me are the least expensive; a great fitting tank top or basic T-shirt. If you want to save a few dollars hit up some resale or thrift stores and make the commitment.

To me it seems as though you are waivering by outing yourself as female and then retaining masculine acoutraments. I'm sure that's how many other people read you as well. If you're a "middle-pather" great, everone else should get over it, but that doesn't sound like it's the case for you. It's wonderful that you don't have internal conflict with who you are, but just like every woman, you have to put in the effort to present the way you want to be accepted as such.:)