My Coming Out Story

[Maiko Newhalf]

Hi Gals, it's Rose again. I wrote an article to ask you about how to come out to my wife a while ago. Well I finally put the plan into action last weekend. The whole conversation took four hours, that's because I spent most of time dancing around the topic and agonizing about it. But when I finally told her, her reaction was pretty good, at least compared to what I feared the most.

She asked the two classic questions of "Do you want to be a woman permenantly?" and "Are you gay?". Luckily I can honestly give her negative answers on both questions. The "why didn't you tell me before our marriage?" question hasn't become a big issue because I told her that I purged and thought I could change at that time and decided to tell her the truth as soon as Rose re-emerges. I also told her that I've never told anyone I know about my crossdressing and didn't know how to do it. In retro-perspective I think three hours of agonizing kind of helped a little bit too because she told me that she thought I have something way more terrible to confess.

With all that being said, she's in the country of accpecting the fact that I dress but not wanting to be a part of it now by seeing my pictures or learning more about crossdressing as a general issue, although we still talk about it every now and then. In fact, I guess my case is a little weird here because my wife's stand is "I know you dress now. It's not a big deal but don't get any worse from here." I can still try on her clothes in front of her even she knows (it's amusing that she started also trying some of mine), which is very encouraging. But she'll say something mean like "you look ugly with this top" or "your shoulder is too wide and manly". My understanding is that it make her feel more secure if I just dress because I like the texture and feel of girl's clothes and will be just a man with women's cloth on. On the other hand, it is another level of issue if I want to apear in front of her or even in public fully en femme (she knows that is what I want eventually). Maybe seeing me fully dressed wearing makeup and a wig will make her think she's losing her man. Also I don't have any illusion that she's even a little bit lesbian and will love me as a girl. But how wonderful it will be if my wife can like the girl mode me as her closest girlfriend! We could have so much fun together! I know I'm too greedy but it doesn't hurt to dream, does it?

My question is how should we go from here. Should I send her some educational internet links or buy her a book about crossdressing? Any recommendations? I mentioned about this site but I guess it will be quite overwhealming for her to all of a sudden get to know a whole community.

[Debglam]

Rose,

Look over the posts of the GG's as they are full of good information. Here are my :2c: for what they are worth. Your situation sounds very similar to what mine was.

You are at step one of a long journey and you are lucky to have a wife as accepting as your's is. Keep that in mind. Just remind yourself that this is HUGE for her. You and I may have been dealing with this stuff since we were kids but she has only been dealing with this since you told her. You need to take it slow - I can't emphasize that enough, SLOW.

Right now I would suggest that you give her some space, including maybe not dressing in front of her. It sounds like she is not quite comfortable with that.

Keep communicating but don't make this the only topic of conversation. Don't bombard her with books, websites, etc. Ask her if that information would help her and that you will be happy to get it for her when she is ready. You can expect an occasional blowup or change of attitude by her and that is perfectly natural.

Be sure to give her the "guy time" that she needs.

Think of it this way: Right now you have an SO who is going to let you express this side of yourself. If this is where things stay, you are damn lucky. With patience, consideration of her feelings, and love, you may get what you want.

Good luck to both of you!

Debby (Feel free to PM me if you like.)

[Danni Renee]

Taking it slow, at her pace is simply the best advice. I know when I came out to my SO and I started moving too fast it totally overwhelmed her. Now, we lookat clothes together, she buys me clothes and jewelry, and are even talking about letting me get breast enhancements. It did not happen all at once and the conversations and actions did not proceed as fast as I wanted but with time and patience anything is possible.

[BRANDYJ]

I think you are on the right track. But don't overwhelm her.. Go slow. Let her set the pace as to how much she needs or wants to know about crossdressing. It sounds liek she is very willing to accept you since you mentioned trying on her clothes in front of her. So now it's really up to her just how much she wants or needs to know about the topic in general. Again...don't push it. I wish you the very best.

[NicoleScott]

But how wonderful it will be if my wife can like the girl mode me as her closest girlfriend! We could have so much fun together! I know I'm too greedy but it doesn't hurt to dream, does it?

It might hurt to dream, if you push it too far too fast as others have warned against. It sounds like there is some level of acceptance. Now is the time to be honest with yourself and her about your desires and intentions, and to get her to be honest with you about her fears and reservations, so that you two can come to terms about your dressing that are acceptable to both of you.

[Maiko Newhalf]

Thank you gals for all the nice advice. I should be patient and take it slow. It's interesting that I'm not the only one who initiated the topic when we are talking. Maybe I should just wait for her to ask questions at this stage at least.

[kathly]

I think everyone is right and don't try to always bring it up. to be honest I think you should just dress on own time and keep your time with her as a husband.
you need to built a strength in the relationship so to keep a balance.

[Sandra]

Listen to what has been said and take it slow, let her set the pace, because if you try and rush things it could back fire and cause a load of problems.

[prettytoes]

I let my wife lead the way...I can tell when she is open to talk about it, and when not to try. I did buy her the books "My Husband Wears My Clothes, and "My Husband Betty". I have read them both, and I personally reccommend the first on mentioned. It is not quite as deep, and answers questions often asked. It really seemed to be a portal into my mind. She did like them, and told me that they really helped her to understand things a little better. I am in a very similar situation as you. My wife is tolerant of panties (very femme panties-satin, etc.), painted toenails, and toe rings. She does not want to see me in a skirt or dress, but she will wash all my clothes for me. She found out less than 2 months ago. I am trying to take it slow, and not out-pace her tolerance. I have a great wife, that is very understanding. It seems like you do as well. Good luck!

[JamieG]

Rose, I'm glad that you were finally able to come clean with your wife and that it went pretty well. Follow the advice of the previous posters: take it slow for a while. In fact, if I was you I'd avoid bringing up crossdressing or even trying on her clothes for a while. Let her start the discussion or suggest you try something on. Only if you go a few weeks without her bringing it up should you raise the topic yourself. This is to make sure that she hasn't gone into denial and that communication lines are open.

[Jenniferathome]

Rose, I told my wife this year, after 20+ years of marriage. Her first two questions were the same as yours and my answers the same. My wife's reaction was as fantastic as I could have hoped for. You and I are very lucky to have accepting wives. I highly recommend talking about this frequently. Now, there is a fine line between talking and forcing your cross dressing on her. In my case, almost every day, I asked my wife if there was any question she had about my cross dressing. That usually lead to some kind of conversation, even when she had no questions. I also offered to give her web resources if she preferred doing some research (she did her own). If the answer is no, then let it go. Let her take the lead in all things related to cross dressing for the time being, BUT I recommend NOT letting it go quiet. This is a topic that will take years to fully understand. Start now.

[Rachel Mari]

I had told my wife before we were married about liking to wear women's clothes and she accepted pretty readily. After about a year, she wasn't so accepting and I purged. The urge to dress would appear every once and a great while, but I had but one skirt and I only wore it rarily to satisfy the urge when alone.

Flash forward 20 years and it has come up again. The thoughts and urges have come back very strong. She was upset and asked the same two questions and the answers were the same (no). Later she wished I was gay as that would be easier. The CDing was the straw that broke the camels back.

Now we're trying to figure out a good way to seperate and still keep the family intact. However, she seems to actually be more accepting of CDing. I purchased a few books, (My Husband Betty, My Husband Wears My Clothes, She's Not The Man I Married) and I would say the last book kind of freaked her out a bit. Maybe not the best first book to read (I would have had her read one of the others first but I was out of town when she started). I also gave her links to this forum and some other sites.

So now we're heavy into therapy and there will definity be some sort of seperation, but not a divorce, just seperations of varying lengths of time (from a day to a few days at a time).
There's other issues involved.

[linda allen]

....... So now we're heavy into therapy and there will definity be some sort of seperation, but not a divorce, just seperations of varying lengths of time (from a day to a few days at a time).
There's other issues involved.

That's the fear that keeps me in the closet. Separation and/or divorce. I've already been through a divorce and it's no fun at all. Really, it's a life changing experience. You not only divide up the money, you divide the family and friends. I'm far too old to start over again. Just not worth the risk.

If I ever get an opportunity to ease into it, I may. Sit down and say "Honey, I want to start wearing a bra and panties with breast forms.", it's not going to happen.

[Tina B.]

I told my wife about me over 35 years ago, she was accepting day one, But that being said, she buys me things, and I dress at home as much as I want, or need to. Just the same, she ain't reading nothing, to do about crossdressing, and she don't play no reindeer games. Crossdressing is not her thing, it has nothing to do with her, and we both like it that way. Being made, or to eagerly pushed, to read, or talk about things can breed resentment, and you don't want that. Take what she can give, after all this is a surprise to her, give her time, hopefully as she gets more accustomed to the idea, she might lighten up a bit, if not, there are plenty on here that can help with ideas on making do, because you can't force the issue without it blowing up in your face.
Tina B.