laying low didn't help

[spotlessMind]

Hi y'all,

I took some downtime because it was becoming too much. I needed to clear my head and get grounded, but here I am again and unfortunately for me, this means I wasn't grounded. No clarity found. Infact, the analogy of one step forward and two steps back comes to mind. I need help.

I originally joined up here because I was having an internal struggle. This seemed like a good place to find acceptance, but I no longer feel like acceptance is really the problem. The problem is ambivalence I think. Ambivalence is torturous. It's eating my SOUL. I really really need help. This life is all I have. Am I wasting it in hiding? I have serious identity issues. I can't figure out who I am and I need to. I NEED TO KNOW. It's literally killing me. I can barely function.

No dramatization. No exaggeration. I'm back because I couldn't stay away. It keeps finding me again. Where did this come from? I'm terrified. Am I sick or something? Can it be fixed? Am I even broken? WHAT THE HELL IS THIS! I want to be like people I admire who seem so sure of themselves and who they are.

I am not a cross-dresser. For me, cross-dressing would just be an outlet that really doesn't satisfy or quench the enormously confusing reasons I would have for doing it. I want to say I was meant to be born female, but my ambivalence doesn't let me SAY IT, like really say it and be sure.

I put this in the public forum because any help is helpful. Thanks for listening. Sorry if it comes off self-indulgent.

[Konfused]

Sounds like you need to seek professional help, and I mean that in the most loving and kind-hearted way.

[docrobbysherry]

The only thing I can add to what Konfused suggested is this; most people that act sure of themselves r either good actors or have experienced enuff of life to be satisfied with the small nitch they feel is their "comfort zone"! No one with an active mind lives without doubts and uncertainty!

I believe this applies to CDs, TGs, TSs, etc. in particular. However, there r some people that go their entire lives without a second thot about their gender! They r either male or female, period! If THAT'S the kind of "sure of themselves" folks u r looking for, this may be the WRONG place!

[spotlessMind]

konfused: i expected that reply because it's probably the best advice. i've spoken to a professional a couple times before and i always find myself not getting out what i know i need to get out. i've walked out angry at myself for not being entirely honest and forthcoming.

sherry: i understand and agree but, regardless, this seems to be affecting me in a more profoundly disturbing way than it would the average person (as far as i can tell). maybe i'm just a weak person in this sense. i can't say this for a fact but i don't think (gender) identity is much of an issue for most people and unfortunately it's one of the harder issues to deal with since it goes against what is considered "normal" or "appropriate". what a shame, don't you think? i have a problem that i need help with and the general population would deal with it by calling me a freak. it's a beautiful world.

[Danni Renee]

Did you take two steps back or have you really come full circle? Maybe you cannot stay away because inside you know who you are even if you are not willing to acknowledge it. I have been the same way - spending so much time and energy creating a facade of a life to hide what I truly feel. And my reality is that I am still hiding from myself how I truly feel. I am getting better as I start to accept myself but I still feel that internal struggle - that reluctance to finally admit who I am and what I want and accept the ramifications.

It is a hard place to be in and I feel for you. I hope by coming back to the forum you are able to work through your issues in a way that brings peace and clarity to your life.

[Longing2be-Trisha]

I know from experience that what you are going through you are not alone here. I to am going through the same thing for 42 years I suffered with hiding who I was from everyone. Recently it came Spilling forth like a tidal wave until I felt like I was drowning. When I came out and started to talk about what I was feeling, my confusion disappeared. It is still a long road to travel and will have many ups and down, but is worth the travel. Life is and adventure and this adventure is a 90 degree turn! We might have not been physically born female, but mentally and spiritually we are women. Why would we even go through the embarrassment, shame, and hatred of telling people we are transgender if we did not mean it. Just remember you are not alone here there are many of us with the same struggles you are going through talk to us.

Hugs

[sterling12]

I think you need a Psychologist who is very experienced in dealing with Transpersons. You need to find someone that you can be absolutely candid with, and when you find that person you need to stop "holding back!"

I think that whether you want to face things or not, your brain is not going to give you any peace until you do. You need to do this ASAP! If you start to have suicidal thoughts, do not pass "Go," and get help immediately. We have lost Sisters who went through similar situations, and could not cope. Don't add yourself to that list!

If your unsure where to find someone with Gender Issues Experience; stop off or call your local LGBT Center in Toronto. I'm sure it's listed. They can certainly guide you to The People you seek. We aren't professionals, we can listen, offer opinions, offer sympathy; but ultimately we can't make you go where you need to go.

Do this, Now! It's all about your present and future happiness.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Staci G]

Judging by the pics you have posted you should be proud to be the woman you are. Joking aside, I too like many have tried to walk away from this "sick game of pleasure" quoting my wife, just to come right back and most times because we starved out desire it is back with a voracious appetite. Seeking help now is the best bet, for some like me I should have done that many years ago.

[Tina B.]

Seems like you are trying to carry a burden to big for you to carry alone, try getting a pro one more time, write out those things you can't get said, and ask them to read it, maybe that would make it easier. They can't help if you can't at least get across to them what you are dealing with. Help is out there, but to get it, you have to find the inner strength to reach out and grab it, no one else can do it for you, I wish we could.
Tina B.

[Sally24]

Unfortunately its all up to you. If your ambivalence prevents you from even being honest with a prefesional counselor than its difficult to see things getting better for you. Others can help you but the major steps need to be yours. You don't need to understand yourself to be helped. What you do need is to be honest and communicative. No one can read your mind so you have to help them see what is going on. Whether you want to move forward and deal with whatever issues you have. Or if you want to only understand them, you're going to have to be willing to be honest with yourself.

[Julogden]

I'd suggest finding a therapist who deals in gender identity issues as it sounds to me like you're dealing with possibly being transsexual and maybe some esteem issues. Be honest with yourself and the therapist, and hopefully things will get better.

I know what you mean about those who are so sure of themselves. They've learned to celebrate who they are instead of hiding of who they are. That's the big difference, and I'm working on doing that too.

Good luck,
Carol

[Kathi Lake]

Maybe I'm too simplistic about this (well, most things, actually), but my feelings are this; I care about me. I care about those I love. I care about those that know me. The opinions of others - especially a nebulous "society" - don't really hold that much weight with me. They don't have the power to influence my life or my lifestyle, so why should I care?

If you still can't get past that, then we move onto my second attempt. If you really care about what society says about you, and you want their acceptance, then you're going to have to do one of the hardest things you'll ever do - accept yourself. How can you expect a random stranger to accept you if you don't even accept yourself? Look at it 'from the outside' for a minute. You meet someone who is doing something that they obviously think is wrong - they act furtive, nervous, ashamed. How easy would it be for you to validate their behavior when they haven't even accepted it?

Like I said, simplistic.

Also, never mistake ambivalence for doubt. If you can't say it out loud convincingly - even to yourself - is it truly there, or are there other issues?

Kathi

[sissystephanie]

Spotless, Kathi probably said it better than anybody else. Your major problem is that you have not accepted who, and what, you are!! You say that you are NOT a crossdresser!! YES, YOU ARE!! You just will not admit it to yourself!!

I don't know how old you are, but that may have a big bearing on your thoughts. As others have said, you may need some professional help, but it would have to be with someone who really understands Transgender problems.

I have been a CD for over 60 years, and long ago learned to do what Kathi has referred to, accept myself. I am a crossdresser, plain and simple. I have no desire to actually become a woman, I just like to dress like one. My late wife always did my makeup and fixed my wig before I went out as Stephanie. Now that she has passed on, I dress as Stephanie, but look like the man that I am!! And I go everywhere in public that way. Like Kathi, I care about ME and those I love! Society does not really do much for me, so as Kathi said, why should I care about them!!

The thing that is most important is your ATTITUDE!! That means how you perceive yourself! If you have the right attitude, you can go anywhere and do anything!! Search yourself and get rid of the doubts!!

[spotlessMind]

I appreciate y'all trying to give me helpful advice.

Kathi, I've thought about whether it's ambivalence or doubt when it comes to my gender identity. I think it's both, but I believe my DOUBT is: "will i be able to handle the adversity involved in being myself openly".

I doubt my ability to be able to live with the problems it will create.

My ambivalence seems to be about things just involving me personally.

I don't know if this makes sense to you...? It's possible that there are, infact, other issues intertwined. That sounds reasonable to me. Which just strengthens my ambivalence. I've often considered that my identity issues are just a matter of having some other neurosis. Like a symptom and not really THE issue. BUT... and this is an important "but"... I keep returning to this identity issue. Why does it linger? Why do I keep finding myself stressing this particular issue inside?

I was out today doing "guy" stuff. Fishing with a buddy, talking about "guy" stuff, a very "guy" time overall, but as we were driving I was thinking about it. I was looking out the window seeing women just walking down the street thinking, "I want to be like her". I keep thinking about all these things even during being a guy. I love doing guy stuff sometimes. That has nothing to do with it for me. I will always do those things no matter what. It's this fact that I notice myself doing this all the time, thinking about it, thinking about my own identity, being drawn to that identity steadily.

Rant rant. Even now I feel like I'm being ambivalent. "Holding back" what I really feel. *sigh*

[Konfused]

konfused: i expected that reply because it's probably the best advice. i've spoken to a professional a couple times before and i always find myself not getting out what i know i need to get out. i've walked out angry at myself for not being entirely honest and forthcoming.

You will not feel better until you can be honest with yourself. Professionals are there to help walk you through that. You have to, at the very least, be honest with them about what you are feeling, even if that means that you have a feeling that you are not willing to accept. It may take several visits with the same person to get comfortable enough to be honest.

[Aeva]

There are professionals and then there are professionals. When you seek out a therapist, make sure you research them beforehand. You'll likely get the best mileage from one that specializes in LGBT issues. Also, if you can, do some research and see if they have a reputation, so you know if to avoid them or not.

A few bad sessions does not mean every therapist forevermore can not be of help to you.
Also; look for a transgender social group. It is very common for people in the big city to meet up once or twice a month to share one another's company and common ground.


The rational for the above two pieces of advice is pretty simple: they are two places that can be really helpful for sorting out your thoughts, as they are also places where you can figure out where to go next in your life.


I think it is pretty clear to me that you are transgender. You're not crazy or broken, this is just who you are. These aren't issues that are going to go away on their own; you will need to deal with them sooner or later. Also, this is not the sort of thing you can just solve all at once. Like you said above, if you just decide to change everything people see outwardly over night, it will be a pretty shocking experience for all people involved. You can however break it down into smaller goals, such as coming out to a close friend (or finding a therapist who is actually worth talking to).


I give you the above advice based on my own recent history. So happens, I'm transitioning now. Maybe that isn't for you. It wasn't an easy conclusion for me to arrive to, largely because of my concerns over what it means to the people around me. I'm still trying to get over that, but I think I'm a lot happier now than I was when I first started to come to terms with this.

[Dawn cd]

My dear, we know so little about you. We're your friends, but you can't expect to find answers here. It's like a baseball player in a deep slump to whom teammates give advice: stand closer to the plate, stand farther from the plate, hold your hands higher, hold your hands lower, etc. etc. However kindly meant, he must disregard all their advice and listen only to the coach--in your case, to a loving and wise professional to whom your open yourself completely.

It's the "meantime" that concerns me about you. You sound so desperate. Most likely a solution won't appear overnight, and you must find a way of living in the meantime. You must stop beating yourself up when a way out doesn't appear magically. This may take a few years. Give yourself that gift. Bundle up your anxieties and give them to a higher power. Perhaps take up meditation. You can still be a productive person, even when you don't have the answers. Life is all about living in the meantime, and time is the greatest therapist of all.

[Debb]

...

I was out today doing "guy" stuff. Fishing with a buddy, talking about "guy" stuff, a very "guy" time overall, but as we were driving I was thinking about it. I was looking out the window seeing women just walking down the street thinking, "I want to be like her". I keep thinking about all these things even during being a guy. I love doing guy stuff sometimes. That has nothing to do with it for me. I will always do those things no matter what. It's this fact that I notice myself doing this all the time, thinking about it, thinking about my own identity, being drawn to that identity steadily.

...

One thing: you weren't doing "guy" things, you were doing "spotlessMind" things. You are you, female, male, or .. other.

I have lived with the same pressure you are feeling. Through lack of resources, lack of "balls" as it were (fear), what-have-you, I neglected to do anything concrete about those feelings.

You can live without doing much about the feelings ... sort of. Life could be so much more ... I've always felt like that. If I'd only do something about my feelings.

[Fab Karen]

You're not sick, and no it isn't something that can be "cured." As for people who are sure of themselves, they did not start out that way. People grow & evolve. Sounds like you feel you're TS, but have ambivalence. A therapist would be the best place to work this out. Honesty in that venue is the only way you'll get what you want out of therapy. You don't have to say "I AM a..." just be honest with what you need to work out.

[cd_in_de]

I feel that ambivalence is better than rejection.

[eluuzion]

"Say what you want,
Say what you mean,
Question yourself,
Are you really what you seem?
Say who you are,
Say what you mean,
Question yourself,
Are you really what you dream?"
--author unknown

Hey, one of my ex's name was Ambivalence. Not really, but it should have been, :).

Since when is ambivalence a “bad” thing? Who made that rule? :doh: A little goes a long way though, and making a career out of it is not exactly constructive, lol.

Ambivalence is just one of the costs of admission when you are undergoing, or “contemplating” a life change. You are beginning to acknowledge there is an unresolved issue that is not going to magically disappear into that mystical pink fog. You sit around reviewing the pros and cons of making a significant life change, but you just cannot seem to get off of that darn fence.

You try to quit, you try to modify, you try to resist...yakity yak yak...on and on it goes but you just can’t get off that circle jerk of the contemplation/procrastination merry-go-round of indecision. If you get stuck in this stage, it can drive you nuts! (figuratively). It feels like the wheel is still spinning but the hamster is dead...

So, how do you get out of that hole?...quit digging, and make a commitment, which is the next stage of making changes. Sounds easy on paper, eh? Not so in real life...it is a big RUT and you need somebody to help pull you out of it. A good psychologist/therapist (or whatever term makes you feel all fuzzy)...can help you.

You might consider asking about or researching something called a risk-reward “interview” or “analysis”. It is a pretty effective technique of sorting out the repetitive annoyance of indecisive thoughts buzzing around in your head.

Once you make a commitment to a direction, you will find most of that mental masturbation will cease quickly.

Here is a link to a search engine to locate mental health professionals by region/specialty/ etc. if you are interested...

http://therapists.americanmentalhealth.com/therapistlocator.trust

just a couple of options to toss on the pile...:hugs:

:love:

[jillcdia]

you poor thing. I hope you find what you are looking for.