Soapbox: Can we be honest for just a minute???

[Briana90802]

Recently I took a creative writing class at my community college and people are suppose to critique you on your writing skills. This way you get honest feedback about what people think and how you might improve.

However, one thing that I noticed was that everyone just told me that they liked it and that it was good. For an entire semester that was the only type of criticism that I received.

I know that no one likes to be the bearer of bad news but how can we improve if we don't give honest feedback? I see many photo on this website and many comments that are just compliments. Where is the honesty? Where is the truth? The Internet is anon these days, it makes it so easy to be honest and yet people arent. How are we to achieve our goals( whatever they may be) if people don't give us their honest opinions and evaluations about outfits, makeup, etc. we are all adults and we are responsible for our own feelings. We can choose to be offended OR choose to see it as a critique.

One of the things that I admire whole heartedly about two gg relationships is the acknowledgment that honesty will help the other gg.

[Amber_Lynn]

Here's my short answer. I think most supporters here are trying to keep the messages positive. As you know it's very hard to find acceptance in out very small world so many turn to sites like this for the positive feedback.

What would help would be constructive comments, but I think most avoid them because even those can be construed as negative.

[GMCD]

I think Amber has a good point.

When I was part of a support group we would have open critique sessions. Basically, we'd go around the room and each person would critique each other person in the room. We'd point out what people were doing well and then gently point out what they weren't doing so well. It was genuinely intended to be helpful for everyone and generally everyone took each comment in the spirit of help. Unfortunately, it also led to some very embarrassing situations and inevitably someone's feelings would be hurt. Even those who seemed to take the comments well often felt and looked noticeably uncomfortable after the sessions and in meetings that followed. Some just never came back afterwards. It's touchy when you point out the flaws of others, even if it's meant to uplift them and encourage them. It was tough enough in a room where we were all friends and many of us had really gotten to know each other personally, I imagine it would be doubly so in a forum where our relationships are far more limited and the written word can be easily misinterpreted.

That being said, I do believe that we are far too quick to lavish praises on the "better looking" girls and to just completely ignore those who don't "meet a certain standard." I know that that isn't always the case and we all try to wear our "tranny viewing goggles" when commenting on any photo, but it always bothers me more than a little when a person who looks very female and pretty and what not has pages of gushing compliments while the folks who don't quite hit that mark get few comments praising what they did get right or offering truly caring advice in a loving manner.

That's just my two-cents, though. I've been known to be terribly wrong and uninformed, so take what you will from it.

Much love!

[Katesback]

When it comes to pictures. I will tell someone if they look good. If they dont I simply wont say anything. Reasonable. The problem with the trans community is that often when someone says something that is seen as negative many jump in and say your attacking them. Why would anyone be honest if that was what they were going to face?

[Karren H]

I tried to be honest but many times it came across as hurtful... And got my hands slapped.. Too many times.. So unless I can say something nice without sounding fake or contrived... I'll set on my hands... Which is really hard for me.. Really really hard...

[Briana90802]

I'm all for positive, but a critique is neither positive or negative, but more over a suggested course of action that may improve the overall functionality. As far as mis-construing things we should all take things with a grain of salt. people take offense so easily these day. We react instead of thinking and then acting accordingly.

You can choose to react to a criticism or think about it and act appropriately.

[Sophie86]

Unless people specifically ask for a critique, I don't assume that's what they're looking for when they post their pics. If they do ask for a critique, and I can't find something nice to say, I don't say anything. I live in a glass house, so I have to be real careful.

[GMCD]

Yes, we can each choose to be mature and accept things as adults and not get worked up over things that don't matter. Unfortunately, we can't make others be the same and we have no control over their reactions to our comments. Thus, in order to minimize conflict many are choosing to take the high road and either say only nice things or say nothing at all. That is the only way we seem to be able to ensure that hurt feelings, conflicts, and outright battles are kept to a minimum. It's better to be polite first than to apologize later (even if our intent was a good one).

[Karren H]

Many show a ton of courage just posting here... Being scared and deep in the closet... So well meaning criticism can damage their confidence severely. Just saying.

[Amanda22]

Unless people specifically ask for a critique, I don't assume that's what they're looking for when they post their pics. If they do ask for a critique, and I can't find something nice to say, I don't say anything. I live in a glass house, so I have to be real careful.

Sophie, I follow that policy, too, but you word it better than I could. I'm not trying to be clever or funny...just really honest...you look very, very pretty.

[RachelOKC]

I'm all for positive, but a critique is neither positive or negative, but more over a suggestion course of action that may improve the overall functionality. As far as mis-construing things we should all take things with a grain of salt. people take offense so easily these day. We react instead of thinking and then acting accordingly.

You can choose to react to a criticism or think about it and act appropriately.

I have to agree with Kate and Karren, criticism - especially on personal appearance - is too often interpreted as attack when anything negative is brought up. In that circumstance, better to be generally complimentary or say nothing at all. If you asked "which wig is better, A, B, or C?" and I said "None," how might you feel? Maybe a bit hurt that I don't like any of your choices? I've found that a lot of people who ask for advice or criticism don't really want it, they just want affirmation they've done the right thing.

There are places for tough criticism however. I recently proofread and edited a screenplay for a friend, and wound up deconstructing it with comments on almost every line. I was very forthright that her story was not good as written but it did have a lot of great ideas within. Did it hurt? Certainly, since nobody likes to see their entire document marked up in red. Will she make a better second draft? If she takes the constructive advice I offered, no doubt. She said as much herself and also said she wouldn't have had me work on it if she didn't trust me.

[Babette]

Well Briana let me get out my big red pen and critique your writing style. Ooops, that is not your point.

Seriously, I firmly believe effective criticism is an art and it must be done by the right person. I am not personally familiar with your creative writing instructor nor their motive of using peer reviews. However, I wonder if some leaders (e.g. teachers, supervisors) do this because they don't want to be the viewed as the "bad guy/gal". People tend to be kind until feelings are hurt. Then exercises in peer review becomes a war of retaliation.

I am not always the right person to offer effective criticism. Case in point: If my wife asks a friend to comment on her new hair style, she will likely accept their less-than-favorable review than from me. That goes along with the clichéd "Does this outfit make my backside look too big", question.

Briana, are your questions of "Where is the truth" and "Where is the honesty" really metaphors for "Where are the negative comments for a horrible picture post"? Please tell me if I am wrong but have you seen photos deserving less praise than was given? If so, how many times did you provide your version of a truthful and honest assessment?

A lot members are scared to death when they join this forum. Some are totally closeted while others have deep feelings of insecurity. For many, posting photos is terrifying and I admire their courage. They may not have the best makeup, clothes, photography skills, or natural-born looks but in my heart and in my comments I will offer them hope.

Babette

[Kim_Bitzflick]

I think CONSTRUCTIVE criticism is good for people in general and I like to receive it once in a while. The key word here is constructive. I would not like to receive criticism that just says "you could do better with your makeup" or "You look like a hooker". Those comments are too general and basically hurtful - especially if I took hours to do my makeup and just bought the outfit.

Constructive criticism offers help to change what needs to be changed. So if it is asked for, I will give my opinion and suggest changes and I hope others would do the same for me. We just need to present it in a helpful tone.

That being said, I also agree that if someone does not ask for help or my/our opinion, I will not give it unless I can say something nice.

[VioletJourney]

I try to give constructive feedback in a positive tone.

[Karren H]

I think CONSTRUCTIVE criticism is good for people in general

Personally I'd rather people lie and tell me how pretty I am! :D

[Fractured]

I have to agree with Kate and Karren, criticism - especially on personal appearance - is too often interpreted as attack when anything negative is brought up. In that circumstance, better to be generally complimentary or say nothing at all. If you asked "which wig is better, A, B, or C?" and I said "None," how might you feel? Maybe a bit hurt that I don't like any of your choices? I've found that a lot of people who ask for advice or criticism don't really want it, they just want affirmation they've done the right thing.

There are places for tough criticism however. I recently proofread and edited a screenplay for a friend, and wound up deconstructing it with comments on almost every line. I was very forthright that her story was not good as written but it did have a lot of great ideas within. Did it hurt? Certainly, since nobody likes to see their entire document marked up in red. Will she make a better second draft? If she takes the constructive advice I offered, no doubt. She said as much herself and also said she wouldn't have had me work on it if she didn't trust me.

This is the crux of the problem. Interpersonal skills is an art - it takes time and effort to learn how to give criticism in a manner that is honest yet hopefully will not hurt the receiver's feelings. And you never know if you will hurt the receiver's feelings until after the fact.

One of the big points taught when receiving training on providing feedback is to provide positive feedback then deliver the negative criticism. Can we balance the significance level of both forms of feedback? Extreme example - "I love the necklace you're wearing but you should not be wearing spandex!" The positive comment on the necklace is outweighed by the implied attack on the person's weight. Could it be that a lot of the constructive criticism is not provided for lack of a way to couch it in an acceptable manner?

[Momarie]

So many excellent points....especially Amber_Lynn, GMCD & Katesback.

....I think most supporters here are trying to keep the messages positive. As you know it's very hard to find acceptance in out very small world so many turn to sites like this for the positive feedback.

....I do believe that we are far too quick to lavish praises on the "better looking" girls and to just completely ignore those who don't "meet a certain standard."

....The problem with the trans community is that often when someone says something that is seen as negative many jump in and say your attacking them. Why would anyone be honest if that was what they were going to face?



My worry is I've read some CD's say they are just gutted~devastated by the least little thing....I don't want to be responsible for that.

On the other hand, some girls are so secure and confident in who they are they can take it.
For example, a few days ago I told docrobsherry her masks had given me bad dreams.
She didn't attack me, far from it, she was very sweet and made a point in private pm to let me know she didn't think I was rude at all.
I feel like she's my buddy now.

It's a fine line, I don't like to be attacked but when you find your voice around here it's gonna happen (especially to a gg).

I also don't like the "pretty" "passable" girls getting so much attention.
Some photos get pages and pages of comments and others tons of views and only a handful of comments...that must hurt.
It just makes me think so highly of the women who consistantly offer support to all, not just the"pretty" ones.

[KellyCD]

You can't be honest in this forum, or else you'll get flamed or labeled a "religous fanatic".

This place has a "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything. Everything is unicorns and rainbows great" attitude sometimes.

[Kaz]

OK... I want constructive criticism... that is who I am and how I live my life... it enables me to move forward in a positive direction. I have had, as many of us will have have had, years of unconstructibe and even destructive criticism. Briana, I can take the point you made, but you have to think about the context... For example (extreme) my father is dying, this may or may not be the last time I see him - I give him honest and open criticism "Dad you look like s**t you are so going to be dead soon"... This may be honest, but I do not regard it as being positive or in the best interests of anyone concerned, not least my father.

So... many people here want affirmation rather than criticism... me I welcome critique because I am trying to do what I can with an ageing body and any advice is good advice... but I am fighting a lost cause.. eventually I won't be able to pull off the miracle that amazes me in front of the mirror... and it is getting close!

There is no point in being destructive, but constructive criticism is harder than it appears... for it mean anything you have to be in the mind of the receiver and adjust the message accordingly... I guess PMs help in this regard!

[Tina B.]

I agree with both Karren and Kaz, I think the most of us would like to hear I'm pretty, I dress for me, at home, and I don't want you telling me I look like a fat old man and I ought to be doing this or that, just say nice outfit, wigs nice, or you did a nice job on your make up. That is if I did, if not< I still happy, why would you want to spoil it for me. And I agree with Kaz, if you think it's important enough, PM it, get between the two of you, less embarrassing for the one being schooled. Oh, one last thing, if you are going you criticize someone, be sure, real sure you are right. My Daddy always told me if you had nothing good to say about someone, just whistle, I can still whistle a pretty good tune when I need to.
Tina B.

[Rianna Humble]

I know that no one likes to be the bearer of bad news but how can we improve if we don't give honest feedback? I see many photo on this website and many comments that are just compliments. Where is the honesty? Where is the truth? The Internet is anon these days, it makes it so easy to be honest and yet people arent.

I don't venture into the photo threads very often, but I always work by the same rule, if I cannotr say anything positive then I definitely won't say anything negative on its own. On the other hand, if I can find something to praise, then I fel I have the moral right to make a suggestion for how something could be done differently and in my opinion possibly better.

If you try hard enough, you can often find a way to praise the effort that a person has made and then gently introduce suggestions for how they could improve. I work in a support role at my place of employment and am often horrified by the negative way some of my colleagues dismiss their customers simply because the customer did not know something or another rather than explaining it to the customer. Perhaps it is not for nothing that (unlike those colleagues) when I have to tell someone I cannot help them, they generally thank me. I apply the same standard to my conduct here.

However anonymous you may feel, we need to remember that there is a real person on the other end of our "anonymous" criticism. That person has done their very best and has made themselves vulnerable by posting a photo of themself for all to see. Just relying on your anonymity to post harsh criticism about someone is not going to make that person any less hurt by your words.

You ask where is the honesty, well sometimes it is more honest to say nothing than to blithely destroy another person.

[DonnaT]

Unless people specifically ask for a critique, I don't assume that's what they're looking for when they post their pics.
Agreed, so there's no reason to give a critique.


If they do ask for a critique, and I can't find something nice to say, I don't say anything. I live in a glass house, so I have to be real careful.
I've no problem giving constructive criticism, when it's asked for.

[Sedona]

Briana, only thing I can add is that if someone REALLY wants the honest truth ("Do I look 100% GG???"), they should ask for feedback of this nature by asking for PMs to be sent, not on the public Pictures forum. Will people be 100% honest on the public forums? Well, not really, but the name of the game is confidence and realizing that this lifestyle/habit/calling/whatever of ours isn't going away, and that we may as well take whatever positivity from this group that most of the rest of the world doesn't provide.

[carhill2mn]

My tendency is to either make a positive comment, one that is neutral, or none at all. Many people do not want "constructive criticsm". A few do ask for it. In such a case, I would rather reply privately than publicly. After all, it would only be my opinion that I was expressing.

[Joanagreenleaf]

For just for a second there I thought someone was going to suggest your next class be in spelling, grammar, and/or, punctuation.

But, alas, the moment was lost.

No, wait... Here it is! I found it!

If you want better replies, make better efforts...

I don't think your query, as composed, is the best you can do in posing a question.

Honesty, proofread your work and don't send half done work out for "honest" replies.

Do you think most people are going to want to hurt your, "feelings"?

Nah.

Because they don't honestly care if you get better or not...

Silly is as silly does.

Serious people, on the other hand....

Will rip you a new one - and wait for you to figure out your old one wasn't so great.

[kathyw]

i see alot of you girls that can realy pass . but i also se alot that needs work amd im one of them that couldnt pass ever withplastic surgery

[Genivieve]

I really do see what you mean Briana. I felt the same way and now I'm shifting my view a bit.

In a creative writing class they do point out what works and what does not. Also, the bar for what looks great is not equal to a true female model. Few of us here look like Jessica Alba or some other genetic female starlet.

If you were in a beginning writing class and the teacher tore you apart for not writing like James Joyce that would be pretty harsh.

People do criticize plenty here but they also offer support. As with anything there needs to be an amount of lifting up and tempering. Many good comments are followed with advice on how to look better. Some of the people brave enough to post photos over time end up looking more amazing within months of adjustment.

I guess its complicated balancing honesty and kindness but respect is always important I think.

[GaleWarning]

Constructive criticism is difficult to provide. Your picture looks great, but ...
Most people hit the word "but" and see it as "BUT".
Too many people cannot stand the bit which follows that word.

How many people on this forum are able to stand back and ask themselves, "Could this comment about my picture possibly be true?" and then entertain conjecture that, just possibly, the answer might be, "Yes, it is true!"

Karren's answer is true for a lot of people here. In the words of the Fleetwood Mac song ... "Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies!"

On the other hand, if absolutely everyone has nothing but good stuff to say about your picture, perhaps you might consider the possibility that, indeed, it is a good one!

[Genivieve]

Wait Karen's comment was about lying...so my picture isn't great! I look like a man oh my! Self doubt is fun...

Joking of course. I'm all about dealing with things as they are and I am not a lovely female. I will keep working at looking my best and understanding where my identity lies.

[TxKimberly]

The only time I give criticism is when someone specifically asks for an honest opinion, and even then, i am very reluctant for all of the same reasons that others have mentioned.

[NicoleScott]

If someone asks for a critique, give them your honest feedback, especially if they say "it's OK to give me both the good and the bad".
Unsolicited negative comments are inappropriate. You wouldn't walk up to someone on the street and say "you look like a hooker". You might get a response "I AM a hooker!!". There was a recent thread about cleavage and a comment was "your mask creeps me out". Not good.
I started a thread a couple years ago about seeing how a wig would look on me by using editing tools to cut and paste the wig onto my face. Someone commented that I needed to ease up on the makeup, etc. I refrained from responding that the person who posted the negative comment, based on her avatar photo, wasn't qualified to critique my makeup. Unsolicited negative comment.
Finally, let's not assume everyone has the same objective (passing in public) when dressing and making up. Some of us prefer to dress and make up in a certain style for our own pleasure, and in private. In that case, nothing I choose to do (dress and makeup) is inappropriate. Don't worry, I don't plan on going out and giving all crossdressers a bad reputation (as if we don't already have one) because you may not like my style.

[msginaadoll]

I think some people do really want you to be honest, but many others dont. I try to comment when I can say something positive. I will also comment when somebody asks the ole am I passible question. To me that question calls for honesty. My honesty usually is yes you are passible as a crossdresser, whether or not somebody wants to accept that or not is on them. It is in no way meant as meanspirited just my opinion.

[Genivieve]

I have to add.. that some people here are much prettier than most girls I see strolling about. That is an accomplishment. I won't name names.

[Cassidy]

I posted seven stories on the Fictionmania site and the same seven stories on the Big Closet - Top Shelf site. Each one of the stories received 'glowing' reviews and some went as far as saying '...get thee to a publisher...' It cost a few bucks however I did send one that I thought was my 'best' to professional. She was a motorcycle acquaintance of mine who taught creative writing and at the same time a screen writer. I got my money's worth and received honest and constructive input regarding character development, dialogue, plot, and story pacing. At the end of the day both Fictionmania and Big Closet commenters commented on the cross-dressing character and not the actual story.

I'll not comment on input from members responses to the pictures posted to the site. Instead I'll ask a question. How many comments posted say '...nice outfit...' or something along those lines?

In essence what I'm saying is one gets what one pays for. think about it.

[Megan Thomas]

I see many photo on this website and many comments that are just compliments. Where is the honesty? Where is the truth? The Internet is anon these days, it makes it so easy to be honest and yet people arent.

Great post! :) The number of times I see people posting "you look pretty" comments in respect of some highly unflattering photos never ceases to amaze me. I realise it's mostly done to avoid hurt feelings but the flip side is it may give these girls a misrepresented view of themselves, which in turn could lead to more serious consequences. And that's not good for any of us...

[Julogden]

Some people don't know how to give constructive criticism. What they think is constructive is actually very rude.

[donnalee]

Like Mama told us; "If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all." This site is a refuge for a lot of people, many in serious emotional pain; it's not a place for criticism. Save it for PMs or email.

[sometimes_miss]

People come here to feel better about themselves. Any negativity is frowned upon. To tell the whole truth might send some into a downward spiral. So lets keep it happy and light. If anyone really wants the truth, all they have to do is dress up, and go to a biker or redneck bar.

[Pythos]

I have asked for honest critique of my looks. I don't want hurtful things, but I do want constructive criticism. Otherwise I am headed out the door in something that can hurt the image of CDs in general and feed sterotypes..

I have even asked for input about my androgynous look and for ways to improve that.

I have been honest here, and have been slapped for it by those not involved. I was being honest, and giving ideas how to improve the look. I do try my best to not hurt, and there are some here I will not make any comments on.

That is one reason I worry a little when a pic set gets little to no response which triggers the "oh that set must have been awful...only 5 responses, whereas others her have 30 or so."

There was one critique here that I got that was very spiteful, and was called out by others here which was nice to see.

Sometimes miss.....that is exactly the sort of thing that can lead to bad problems.

[Shananigans]

I find that there is always something you can compliment someone on. GGs aren't always that brutally honest with each other. We are very good at layering things. For example, when a girl gets ready and has on an outfit that she wants your opinion on. You think that the shirt is absolutely heinous and makes her look way bigger than she actually is...you don't have to SAY that. What would be acceptable in girl code is to say, "Well, I love the shoes and the jacket...the jewelry is AWESOME! But, ehhhh...I don't know about the shirt. I just don't think it looks right for the occasion or the rest of the outfit. Let's see what else you have." That's way better than saying, "That shirt makes you look fat. Take it off. Try again!" Often, on this site, someone will ask me how "passable" that she looks. If I don't think very passable, I'm not going to say, "No, you look like a man in a dress." Why the heck would I say that? Instead, I would avoid the original question and just say, "I think you really look great in these pics...love the dress." Very few people on this site don't dress great...so, it's the truth. We don't have to get into the whole "how passable debate."

Anyway, I think that's where some members on this site can be a little harsh with critiques. I've seen a few comments to people who wanted critiques (usually on makeup) that I thought were way too harsh. One member had tried red lipstick...many said it looked like crap. I chose not to say that it looked like crap, but complimented the member on the fact that she took the leap to actually tackle red lipstick application. I then gave her some pointers to get the look down pat.

Again, layering. GGs do it to each other. You can make a person feel good while offering advice or criticism. You don't have to be hateful when you do it.

[Briana90802]

Perhaps I should clarify a few things. Most importantly I believe that the tone of this website should be kept light and friendly, and an objective honest critique can be just that. This community(for some) is the only one which we can rely on to express ourselves openly, and since some of us may not have supportive SO, we owe it to each other to come forth(when asked) and be supportively honest. Like a fortune cookie once told me "sometimes the best mirror is a good friend."

I believe that sugar coating can sometimes be dangerous, and give a false sense of security. I know that I'm not the best at everything and I aspire to be better than I am, I think sugarcoating inflates the ego. But I don't always believe in brutal honestly either.

Our failures define our successes, to which our embarrassments help us become more confident. Personally i'd rather feel a little embarrassed here with you ladies than extremely embarrassed in public.

However, I was reminded by my SO(and I'm glad she said something), "ask a general question, get a general answer."

[Pythos]

Shananigans, to be absolutely honsest, at least for men, layering does not work well.

I want specific point "Those pants don't work" "that shirt is the wrong color" "your lips are shaped a bit off" and then perhaps followed by the reason the poster thinks the way they do. If the reason is because of something about most people not doing that then I will take that critique and put it aside, why? Because I am not one to jump off a bridge because others do it.

I will be honest, I think the layering you speak of is what leads to so many points of miss communication.

Example. Our window sill was rotting away. My mom suggested that sometime in the future that we work on it. Her message actually being "I would like you to put aside everything and fix that window sill" If she had said that the sill would have gotten replaced sooner.

Now there is certainly tact required, but there are also times for brutal honesty. There was a poster here that posted pics that were the kind that are used AGAINST crossdressers. Wearing a strapless bra, garter belt, panties, stockings (nothing too bad there), HUGE breasts (ok), and makeup splattered all over their face, with pursed pouty lips. The lipstick was slathered on and crooked. I'm sorry, this individual needs to know, this is not good. If she put on a nice dress over that and headed out the door...oh wow. Unless it was for a fun joke (how is that a fun joke, making fun of women?) that would do nothing but damage to her, as well as to the already badly damaged image of crossdressers in general.

In my case I have gotten critique on my black lipstick. Okay. The reason was that most women wear brighter colors. That is a critique I will set aside. Now "YOur lipstick is lopsided, or the upper lip is too thin" that I will take and use that. One person here critiqued quite correctly about my old wig being a tangled mess. It is, but then they kept ripping into my wig and how it looked, this was taking the critique too far and for some would have been hurtfull. Another example would be "Your foundation looks a little mottled. " I WANT such critique. Technical stuff.

I want to know if the breast forms I have make me look ludicrous.

This is a support site, that does not mean this is an enabling site. Enabling helps no one and perpetuates bad behaviors. We don't want to do that here.

[BillieJoEllen]

First you have to be brutally honest with yourself. Then and only then will you have the discernment to know whos pulling your shaved leg or not. Remember...To thine own self be true.... Myself, I don't look that great and I can admit it. If someone were to tell me I looked beautiful I would know they were lying.

[GingerLeigh]

Honest opinions is one of the reasons why I don't post my pics online. Dishonest opinions is another (why are you lying to me?), being recognized by someone I know, and oh yeah... who am I kidding anyway?! Most people won't say it to your face, even if they are anonymous. Often times (but not always) people are sincerely trying to be nice. Tell me I'm ugly and I'm likely to reach through the monitor an knock you flat! Honesty is overrated. Leave it in the confessional. My momma always said, "If you got nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all."

ginger

[Shananigans]

Shananigans, to be absolutely honsest, at least for men, layering does not work well.

I want specific point "Those pants don't work" "that shirt is the wrong color" "your lips are shaped a bit off" and then perhaps followed by the reason the poster thinks the way they do. If the reason is because of something about most people not doing that then I will take that critique and put it aside, why? Because I am not one to jump off a bridge because others do it.

I will be honest, I think the layering you speak of is what leads to so many points of miss communication.

You can still be honest while finding something that the person DID get right. If there is a problem with crooked lipstick (which there was in the example that I gave of the person experimenting with red lipstick), you can say, "If you find that your hand is unsteady, place the palm of your hand on your chin to steady your hand." This is actually what I told the person. You don't have to say, "Wow, that f*cking lipstick is crooked...what's wrong with you?" And though this person Did have crooked lipstick, I also said that she did a good job at understanding that with red lipstick it is best to keep the rest of the face more neutral. She accomplished this and so she did a good job, in my opinion. I think that most people focus purely on the negative. Many on this site have terrible confidences and are already focusing on the negative. You can offer advice and help with the shortcomings on trivial things such as not choosing the right outfit, but pointing out the things that they got RIGHT will also help in the long run because it will give them the confidence to keep trying.

Also, in regards to the person who posted a rather tarty picture of themselves... Is it wrong that they looked sleazy in the picture? Surely this person knew that they looked sleazy or else she wouldn't have posted such provocative pictures. Some CDs dress for fetishistic reasons and should not be overlooked because they tend to be on the other end of the TG spectrum. It would be easy to say, "You are giving CDs a bad name! You are wearing underwear and you aren't presenting like a real woman should!" Well...some CDs do this. Some don't present as real women. Some just walk around in nylons and high heels. You belong to a diverse group. I think the fetishistic CDs get a really bad rep sometimes because they aren't "legit" enough, but they are still CDs.

My point is that people ESPECIALLY on this site have very low self-esteems. We should keep that in mind when pictures are posted and criticism is wanted (or unwanted). You can let the person know how to improve his/her look, but also point out what he/she got right. Part of critique is not just listing everything that was done WRONG, but also pointing out what was done RIGHT.

This is not "sugar-coating," this is how critique works.

For example, if I was critiquing someone's writing, I would say, "I was a little lost on page 2. You could not keep my attention on this page and I found myself thinking about other things. However, you really picked things back up on page 3 and I liked where it was going. By page 5, I was somewhat lost again and unsure of your point. By the end, I was glad that I had read this piece." THAT'S how you critique. People need to know what they are doing right just as much as they need to know what they are doing wrong.

[audreyinalbany]

very well said, Shananigans

[msniki48]

I'm all for positive, but a critique is neither positive or negative, but more over a suggested course of action that may improve the overall functionality. As far as mis-construing things we should all take things with a grain of salt. people take offense so easily these day. We react instead of thinking and then acting accordingly.

You can choose to react to a criticism or think about it and act appropriately.

Briana, we all try our best to show ourselves as our mind's eye sees ourselves, most of us know we don't pass.[ as very few of us do] I always see something positive i can comment on in a thread. If i have a constructive remark I simply make it in private.

Like i think your wig would look much more natural if you let a few sprigs of hair down like soft bangs. i just do it in private....many times i get a thank you.

hugs

[NicoleScott]

I think the fetishistic CDs get a really bad rep sometimes because they aren't "legit" enough, but they are still CDs.


Thank you, Shananigans. Some folks here don't seem to realize that not all of us have feminine identities; some of us dress for pleasure, but we're still crossdressers.

[Pythos]

Okay, damage control truck.

I was not saying the tarty picture was bad. These example pictures I refered to the person looked like a complete mess. The makeup wasn't tarty, it was messy. Horrible, not well done. I was not in anyway knocking the outfit which was tarty, my point was the makeup. That's all. I also would not say "God that makeup job f--king sucks, what the hell is wrong with you?" That would be rude. But "The makeup is in need of a lot of work" I think works fine. Yes there are levels of rudeness and harshness.

And most definitely a mix of good and bad is really appreciated, by me anyway.

[Shananigans]

Okay, damage control truck.

I was not saying the tarty picture was bad. These example pictures I refered to the person looked like a complete mess. The makeup wasn't tarty, it was messy. Horrible, not well done. I was not in anyway knocking the outfit which was tarty, my point was the makeup. That's all. I also would not say "God that makeup job f--king sucks, what the hell is wrong with you?" That would be rude. But "The makeup is in need of a lot of work" I think works fine. Yes there are levels of rudeness and harshness.

And most definitely a mix of good and bad is really appreciated, by me anyway.

I know YOU wouldn't say that, but some people's comments to other people photos have been REALLY cutting. I'd like..jump in bed and cry my head off. It's like middle school all over again hahaha

I really don't see any criticism lacking on this site. I guess that I see the same people get more positive reviews on their photos because people like them. I kind of shrug sometimes because I don't really see the makeup as all that great...but, I never say anything because I don't think my critiques are really wanted by said people. And, on the other side of the coin, there are people who just never seem to get a break.

Like I said, middle school all over again. (Most) GGs grew out of it when we were 12 and learned how to play nice while still offering criticism...some members of this site are in their terrible twos hahaha

(Actually I talked to a member on here who said that he felt like he acted like the girls off of Mean Girls while dressed. I did not want to tell him that GGs older than the age of 18 do not act like this IRL. And, if they do, everyone thinks they're a bunch of tw*ts and doesn't want to hang out with them).

So, yeah, I see positive comments where I think people are being pretty gracious (overly so), but I also see a lot of b*tchiness that I personally think is way harsher than it needs to be. Just my opinion,.

[TGMarla]

I find very often that there are some horrid pics posted, yet members gush on them and tell them how wonderfully pretty they are. On one hand, it's true that people come here for support, and ripping into them is certainly not constructive, nor at all the reason they came here in the first place. On the other hand, such positive reinforcement might just get them heading out the door and into some real world trouble and hurt. I see both sides of it.

Years ago, I posted a pic of myself that I felt came out rather good. One member mentioned that my makeup was the wrong shade for me, and was way too light for my complexion. That person was quite correct, and now all I can see when I look at that picture is a face with makeup on that's way too light. I went and got a shade of makeup that was several shades darker, and I'm very pleased that I did. That's a good example of positive criticism.

But once another member gave me some advice on getting better hip and butt definition. However, this member had made her own padding, and unfortunately looked horribly misshapen below her waist. When one gets advice from people who really need advice themselves, it isn't very helpful. So it's true that we need to be careful on how and when we give even the best constructive criticism with the best of intentions.

[jennifer_cd]

As a very new member one of the things that has immediately caught my attention is the inclusiveness and feeling of community that exists on this site and I find that very attractive and welcoming. As one who has just recently started dressing completely for the first time, I'm both very interested in receiving feedback from experienced members of the community here and very interested in feeling accepted by those members. I like to think I'm able to handle constructive feedback and would try to see it as presented in a helpful way.
Jennifer