I don't have a healthy visual image of my female self

[Amanda22]

Note: My only purpose in this post is to see if anyone else feels like I do. I'm not fishing for a compliment, because honestly I'd have a hard time believing it.

I'm very lucky to go out regularly both with my lovely wife and alone. In the 10 months I've been "public", not once have I had anything near a negative experience (and I live in Tennessee, ha ha!). My wife and friends (all girls) tell me I look so good and passable. Evidence from my outings would support that. They all get a bit frustrated that I don't agree with them.

Yet when I look in the mirror, I see a guy trying to be a girl. It reminds me of the time I dated a girl at university who suffered from anorexia nervosa. She saw a fat girl in the mirror but she was absolutely thin and beautiful. She knew she wasn't seeing what was real, but couldn't help it. I'm not saying whatever self-image "condition" I have is as serious as anorexia nervosa, but there is a parallel perhaps.

Have any of you ever felt you were just plain ugly and a walking joke? Does this go away eventually, maybe after years of having nothing but positive reactions? My wife said Saturday that I'll be the very last person to realize I'm pretty.

[Sophie86]

Okay, you should go read the comment I posted on your profile before I came back and saw this thread. I'm really sorry that you feel that way about yourself. I don't think I look anywhere near as good as you do, and yet I still like what I see when I look in the mirror. If I looked like you, I'd probably just chuck the whole guy thing. I don't have any advice for you, unfortunately. Maybe it will click eventually. :)

[WendyH]

I often have similar feelings--especially in the past few years, where the signs of aging are encroaching upon me. I can see all the flaws, even if others don't (or think they're not flaws at all). Although I also sometimes have the exact opposite reaction--I think I look better than I actually do! Or at least pictures are less flattering than what I imagined I saw in the mirror. Women often have self-image issues because of the cultural messages they're bombarded with from birth. I think we take on a little of that when we try to present as women. Let's face it--most of us fall short of the image of the ideal. I'm still trying to accept that however I look, I'm doing my best and it's OK to be less than perfect. I hope I get there someday, and I hope you do, too, Amanda.

[VioletJourney]

The condition that girls with anorexia have, and that you might have, is called Body Dysmorphic Disorder or BDD. It's relatively common but we're just getting to understand how serious it can be.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_dysmorphic_disorder

[Katesback]

Well........if you are a crossdresser then you are "a guy trying to appear as a woman". Your impression sounds pretty accurate.

[Kathi Lake]

Yup. I totally agree, and it seems that no matter how many compliments I receive, nothing trumps the mirror for me. Yes, I know the mirror lies. I know it is colored by our own insecurities and expectations. I know that. And yet, inside me is a little voice telling me, "You can't possibly look like a woman - you aren't one!"

So, who do I believe? Those with an objective opinion or myself?

Kathi

[VeronicaMoonlit]

Have any of you ever felt you were just plain ugly and a walking joke?

Yes.


Does this go away eventually, maybe after years of having nothing but positive reactions?

It hasn't for me. And there's been some scuttlebut that some transfolks trans-feelings might manifest in BDD-ish sort of ways.

Veronica

[LilSissyStevie]

I feel that way but nobody disagrees with me. So it could be worse.

[Karren H]

My feelings are different than yours... You see a guy in a dress and your passable and I see one and I know I'm not passable... But I've accepted that and don't care what I am and what people think of the way I dress!

[Jannette H]

Amanda,
Been there, I took me years to believe I looked better than I thought. I was striving for perfection. When a GG says you pass. Thank them and tell yourself OK.

[Tina B.]

Insecurity sucks, and everybody is insecure about something. Try being fat, bald, and old and convince yourself you are pretty, it gets harder as the years go by, better learn to relax and enjoy it while it's there, every girl knows some day the pretty girl will be known as a handsome woman. Cherish pretty while it last, don't waste it because you can't be all you want to be, enjoy what you can be, and if you have 3 women that are comfortable going out with you, and they think you pass, then you look more female than a lot of can ever hope to be. Have fun with it!
Tina B.

[Kim_Bitzflick]

You are not alone.

I had a similar problem. When I was young, I thought my male self was ugly. It took a while of convincing from several girl friends over the years that I was really cute & that wasn't till I was 18. Now as a part time girl, I kind of like my look, but I don't consider myself cute or pretty. Just a plain girl. But as I discovered, some people think I am a cute girl (like the guy who hit on me).

[cassandra22]

amanda,tho ive not gone to the lengths that all of you here have,wearing makeup.shaving my legs,going out in public,heck the closest ive come is wearing a cute plaid schoolgirl out fit to work for halloween,and was told i made a cuter girl than guy.which had to be because of my body,since i wasnt wearing makeup and was sporting a gotee,lol,,,but from what ive seen and read,the only one who needs to think you passable is you,which you have done just great,,i applaude all for having the courage to do what makes them feel comfortable,koodos

[Jeannie]

Sophia and Karren you guys just kill me. Amanda how do feel on the inside when you are dressed. Above your Avatar you say I finally feel like me and I read that it goes for outside as well as inside. That alone should make you see the beauty that everyone else sees. When I dress I feel so soft and feminine makeup does help a very tinsey bit toward my feelings. Now to answer your question yes I have and I continue feel that way because all I to see is a man in a dress and that is due to having such pronounced male features that it is impossible to see anything different. However if I decided that I was going to go out in public and I had set my mind to it. I wouldn't care if I did or did not pass, if that's what I choose to do then I am going to do it plain and simple. You are going out and you are receiving compliments. Take them for what they are and feel pretty because you are pretty.


XXXOOO

[Pythos]

I don't pass. I am obviously male. I don't mind. One dead give away is my height, the other are my arms. If I wear a sleevless shirt or blouse I am quite obviously male.

My hands are another. There are some pics of me where to me I look like my dad in a dress. LOL

[sissystephanie]

Amanda, of course when you look in the mirror you see a guy trying to look like a girl!! That is exactly what you are!! The major difference is that you are a darn good looking girl!! Many of us MTF crossdressers on this forum aren't. But unless we have gone through transition, including the surgery, we are males trying to look like females!! So don't feel bad about what you see in the mirror!! Just remember, it is the truth but you are the only one who cares!!

[Amanda22]

I'm sitting here at my computer before I climb into bed and I'm choked up. I'm very humbled by your responses. I'm going to print out the thread and carry it in my purse so I can look at it often, anywhere. I don't know what to say other than thank you all from the deepest part of my heart; to me, you are my family and I'm so incredibly fortunate that it is that way.

[Nicole Erin]

Reason most of us don't think we "pass" or whatever is cause we know what we look like.
I have talked to some TS who have had FFS and they sometimes say they still see "him" in the mirror.
Same thing with like voice - Like with me, my femme voice "passes" but I still hear "him" even on my best days.
I don't think it really ever completely goes away.

One way to minimize it though is dress or wear things that make you feel as pretty as you can. Concentrate on your better traits. Then when you look in the mirror, you can be like, "Damn, I am hot!"

[Danni Renee]

I fight this same fight almost every night. I come home from work and working out clean up, get dressed and then get depressed becaue instead of looking like the girl I want to be, I look like a a guy in a wig. My SO helps by constantly telling me I look good and pretty but I have not gained much self confidence in my feminine self. I think part of it is from hiding all the time and part of it is a desire to be what I am not and looking in the mirror simply reminds me of that. I hope I get over my issues and I hope you do too.

[Sophie86]

One thing I've noticed is that I look more like a girl when I smile. Try smiling at yourself when you look in the mirror. Take the happiness that you feel inside, and let it show on your face. It will make you instantly more femme.

[Phylis Nicole Schuyler]

I agree with everyone here. Your looks are that of a beatiful woman. We can be our worst critics. I don't know about anyone else here but facilly while dressed enfemme, facially I look like a train wreck. I think I have great legs in heels though. In previous thread (many moons ago) I asked for help with my looks facially and only one person replied. I believe if someone asks for help, if we can, we should constructively help them out on improving what would make them better looking. Yes, it would take a demolition and construction crew to work on my face. We're here to help our fellow sisters and positive construction is how we can help how they can improve. This DOES NOT mean being condiscending, mean, rude or negative. We do that to ourselves quite well (I've got it down to science). Suggestions positively put would help immensely. To all those that have pics making them appear to be great looking women, GOOD FOR YOU. Now help us, especially this train wreck.

[Amanda22]

Yup. I totally agree, and it seems that no matter how many compliments I receive, nothing trumps the mirror for me. Yes, I know the mirror lies. I know it is colored by our own insecurities and expectations. I know that. And yet, inside me is a little voice telling me, "You can't possibly look like a woman - you aren't one!"

So, who do I believe? Those with an objective opinion or myself?

Kathi

I would like to write as well as you, Kathi. You said what I feel better than I did :) I'm just terribly insecure.