Strategies for coping with a delay in transitioning

[Jay Cee]

I'm pretty sure I am transexual. Not 100% sure, but I'm going for therapy, and I will get it sorted out. Sooooo... if I am, but can't start transitioning right away, what are some good coping strategies?

Some of you may say "Well, what is the hold up?" Fair enough - I'll answer that question. Let's just say that my gf and I are trying to get in a family way. There are some medical complications that need to be sorted out. And the costs for certain procedures are, well, shockingly high. Obviously, I need to be... functioning, in order for this to be a reality.

Having said that, how do I keep my sanity, until such a time as my "functionality" is no longer required?

Thanks

Jay Cee

P.S.: Please see post #18 for more information about this.

[Stephenie S]

Don't do it. Don't even think about it.

You are no where near ready to transition. Transition means (for males) becoming a woman. Women don't want to be daddies, they want to be mommies. Where is your girfriend in all this? She wants to start a family with a woman? No, let's see. She wants to start a family with a man and then have a family with a woman? You are headed for disaster.

If you want to transition don't start a family. If you want to transition, don't start a relationship with a heterosexual woman. If you want to transition, then work on that. Put all your energy and resources into transition.

Of course you could keep on fantasizing about it. That's productive. You are going to have to "function" no matter what sex you are.

[Aprilrain]

Don't do it. Don't even think about it.

You are no where near ready to transition. Transition means (for males) becoming a woman. Women don't want to be daddies, they want to be mommies. Where is your girfriend in all this? She wants to start a family with a woman? No, let's see. She wants to start a family with a man and then have a family with a woman? You are headed for disaster.

If you want to transition don't start a family. If you want to transition, don't start a relationship with a heterosexual woman. If you want to transition, then work on that. Put all your energy and resources into transition.

Of course you could keep on fantasizing about it. That's productive. You are going to have to "function" no matter what sex you are.

Well said Stephenie. First of all why are you starting a family with a girlfriend, shouldn't she be your wife if your going to have kids? Trust me sweetie having kids in wed-lock is hard enough, I think you're setting your self up for disaster having kids out of wed-lock. Anyway that's not even taking transition in to consideration!

No matter how accepting your GF seems to be or wants to be or is the reality of you becoming a woman is not something she or anyone else who is close to you is fully able to comprehend and those who know and love us the most often have the most resistance to it. People don't like seeing their world get turned upside down. YOU can not fully appreciate how taking hormones and living your life as a woman will change you
until you do it.

[Zenith]

You could just continue your process of feminization. Ear piercings, eyebrow shaping, growing hair out, electrolysis, voice practice, clothes selection(realistic/age appropriate wardrobe), things like this will help you whether you are CD, Transgender, or full on Transsexual.

Also you could save your money for the medical costs, watching it grow will allow you to see progress.

But as far as major steps, like HRT, living full time, name changes, surgery, etc...you probably should hold off on for now.

[thechic]

there should be no rush,whats the hurry,mistakes are make when in a rush,I jumped on the slow train,your starting a family,being a TS will certinly affect the family big time

[VeronicaMoonlit]

If you want to transition don't start a family. If you want to transition, don't start a relationship with a heterosexual woman.

While agree, for the most part, with that, it also can help lead to sad, lonely, 44 year old never dated virgin transfolk.


You could just continue your process of feminization. Ear piercings, eyebrow shaping, growing hair out, electrolysis, voice practice, clothes selection(realistic/age appropriate wardrobe), things like this will help you whether you are CD, Transgender, or full on Transsexual.

Very good advice. And even if the original poster decides she isn't a TS, those things will serve her well appearance wise.

Veronica

[Jessica212]

If your girlfriend wants to date a woman, which is what you will be at the end of your transition (and thus, not very palatable to a heterosexual female), and wants to raise a child with another woman, then store your sperm in a sperm bank, and it can be used to impregnate her someday when you're fully confident and prepared to go ahead with a pregnancy.

Transitioning is stressful enough as it is. It's a very time-consuming process that needs your full attention. That said, so is bringing a child into this world. To become a father in the middle of your transition, and then becoming a woman after your baby is born, to me, is asking for a disaster to happen.

There's always some massive changes, emotionally, physically, and in terms of your relationships, once you begin hormones. I'd avoid making a major life decision like fathering a child right before you begin that. You can always store your sperm away (and store plenty of it away) in order to have a child with your girlfriend down the line. But I don't think it's fair to your girlfriend, yourself, or your child to delay your transition in order to impregnate her, and then become a woman as your child is coming into this world.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

why all the assumptions?? Dr Christine McGinn saved her semen, and partnered with a woman that became her business partner and they now have baby twins...

what the heck is wrong with trying to raise a family? Why is it a disaster? If a loving couple wants to be together, as long as everyone is honest it can work out..

There are unique risks and challenges...transition is very unpredictable and the transition-er can need alot of special treatment...but i don't think it should totally rule out the ability to build relationships and families..

there are many successful transsexual families of all types

[sandra-leigh]

April,

Where Jay Cee lives, there is no legal barrier to women marrying women. There is even at least one local church that will perform the ceremonies if a "church wedding" is desired.

[Chloe Renee]

I want to be a parent, daddy or mommy is not a sticking point. My wife and I have discussed our options for having children< she wants them, as do I. Does this make me less of a TS? Short answer no. We are trying to conceive, and at the same time we are planning for future storage solutions. In the mean time I am doing much of what Zeinth suggested.

[sandra-leigh]

Further note about "out of wedlock": Canada has fairly firm "common-law marriage" rules. Just sharing a house with someone (of either sex) for a year can end up with the two of you deemed to be married "common-law" for federal tax purposes, unless you can provide proof that that was not your intent. Yes, that does mean two people sharing an apartment as a financial convenience can end up being deemed to be in a common-law marriage (especially if they ever had sex, but even in cases where they just didn't happen to make enough noise to other people about it not being a relationship.)

Two years is usually enough for provincial tax purposes, and by five years of common law, you are required to go through the kinds of financial settlements required in divorce cases -- e.g., you can end up owing your platonic buddy a share of your eventual pension. (Pension rights cannot be signed away in advance.)

These waiting periods for full effects end immediately if the two people have a child together.

Common-law does not give exactly the same rights as registered marriage (religious or civil) with respect to adoption rights (and, I think, immigration sponsorship rights), but it carries much the same kind of liabilities upon separation -- and for wills.

The common-law marriage rules in Canada specifically apply to same-sex unions. Have your same-sex partner live with you for a few years and it becomes very much the same as if you had married them even if the two of you never intended to make things permanent. The laws were specifically gone through and made agnostic to the sexes of the people involved. There have been "gay divorce" cases since that time, including cases that were common-law.

"Out of wedlock" thus becomes almost reduced to situations where the parents do not live together. In Canada, in situations where both parents were present and willing, "out of wedlock" would become a complete non-issue (except for religious or moral pressures not to have children "outside of marriage")

[Kelsy]

Avoid the heartache If you do not have Kids then don't atleast until after you transition

[Aprilrain]

I believe the point that some of us are trying to make is simply to transition first if that is what you NEED to do. Then If you want kids great! Transition is an extraordinarily world shattering event that goes on for a significant period of time but eventually things settle down (I hope). Children are an extraordinarily world shattering event that goes on for a significant period of time like the rest of your life, hopefully, so it just makes sense to do the one that has an "end" first. You really need to have as settled a life as possible to really enjoy parenthood and transition is about as unsettling as it gets.

[Christy_M]

You really need to have as settled a life as possible to really enjoy parenthood and transition is about as unsettling as it gets.

Amen, Sister. I can vouch for that and I am just starting out...

[GypsyKaren]

I have to agree with Kaitlyn, go ahead with your family plans. You're not sure about yourself yet, and even if you decide in the future that you are TS doesn't necessarily mean you'll be ready at that time to do anything about it. Maybe you'll want to transition right away, maybe you'll want to wait, maybe you'll decide to do nothing. Knowing you're TS is one thing, having the commitment to progress further is something totally different, so I don't see a point in waiting on some "maybes".

And speaking as a post-op with a happy marriage of 17 years, 3 kids, and 4 grandkids, don't get hung up on the "mommy-daddy" merry-go-round because it means nothing. I am and will always be "dad" to my kids and "grandpa" to the little ones, that's the way that I want it to be and I'm not so insecure about my identity to need it to be different.

Karen Starlene

[Melody Moore]

You really need to have as settled a life as possible to really enjoy
parenthood and transition is about as unsettling as it gets.
Not only do you need to have a life that is as settled as possible for parenthood, you also need to have
your life as settled as possible for transitioning. A relationship or any other serious emotional issues will
only weigh very heavily upon you & make transitioning so much more difficult. I don't know exactly where
you are at in your relationship & how committed & supportive your partner really is. If she is supportive
& OK with your decision to transition, then great, but if you still are not completely sure then you need
to realise that things might change.

As suggested, there is no reason why you can't start with some feminisation treatments without starting
on hormones yet. And you could also be putting some sperm away for later use in case you do decide to
transition sooner & would still like to have kids. I wouldn't want to bring kids into an unstable relationship,
it's too painful & often the children can have issues if their parents are no longer living together. So you
need to be honest about your relationship with your partner & whether or not you are both going to be
happy & can see yourselves being together for a long time to raise children. You might also find yourself
more interested in men & not your female partner, so this is something else to consider.

Jay Cee, you have been given lots of good advice here, but what is right for you is what
best suits your personal situation & where you are at about transitioning. As I said, I don't
know how close you & your girlfriend are & how tolerant she will be with you transitioning.

Some partners are OK with it at first but when they realise there is a social & sexual transition
they also have to make with your transition, many get cold feet & want to end the relationship.

Things also change in the relationship because the woman initially fell in love with a man & not a woman.
My ex-girlfriend was torn like this because she still had strong feelings for me, but didn't want to have to
go through the social & sexual transition. She was more concerned about what her family & friends would
think about her as a lesbian. Unlike many of us that know we have to live our lives for ourselves, she lives
her life for her family. Its a shame really because she will never really know her true self & have real freedom.

There is no way I will compromise myself & who I am now, so there was no going back for me. I am honestly
a lot more happier being the single person I am now & life is far less complicated with the emotional issues
that go with the territory of relationships. I can see how this can quite easily complicate things & stand in
the way of your journey if you do decide to transition. I have kids & I love them, but if I had known what I
know now, I would never have had children because of everything they have also been put through because
of a failed relationship. My children despite the fact I do love them dearly, they did really complicate my life
I waited until they were adults before I could transition because I didn't want them to have any issues while
they were at school because of something I was doing in my life that could seriously affect them.

Jay Cee, just do what you know is right for you, but make sure that you are talking through everything with your partner.
Good Luck :hugs:

[Hope]

Oh sweetie precious! What you are contemplating is maybe the worst idea I have heard of in a long time. But that is not what you asked about - and I want to try to stick to answering the question you asked and keep the commentary to myself. But - please indulge me for a sec.

Having kids with someone you are not serious enough about to marry is a horrible idea. Once you have kids, the person you had them with will be a part of your life FOREVER. Like it or not. If you are not serious enough about a person to make a life-long commitment to that person - don't have kids with them. Because by having kids - you are making a life-long commitment. One that no law or government can ever dissolve.

And don't expect a woman (or anyone really) who hasn't made a life long commitment to you to stick around during transition. It might happen. It probably won't. As we all know - most wives bail on a transitioning girl. It is sad and pathetic, but true. And don't think that just because your girlfriend is cool with you being trans now means that her feelings won't change. They WILL change. My wife, who has always, without question or hesitation, been my biggest supporter and cheerleader has gone through at least as many periods and phases as I have when it comes to transition. The idea that she feels the same way now as she did when I first started this process is as laughable as the idea that I feel the same way about transition as I did when I first started. Things are going to change. Transition is like throwing a hand-grenade into the middle of your life. Things WILL change. Expect that your girlfriends feelings will be among them. Maybe she will be as awesome about it as my wife is - but that is not where the smart money is. And then what about your kids?

You are worried about paying for a few medical procedures, but you want to add kids to your list of obligations? Ok, ... it is your funeral.

Ultimately, as Kaitlyn and Karen (2 folks I have a LOT of respect for here) have both pointed out - you CAN do this. Others have done it. But damn it all if it isn't going to be WAY more difficult to do it the way you are considering.

Ok - that is all. The rant is over. Continue with regular programming.

So it is funny you should ask this, I was sitting i the ladies room just this evening after work, reflecting on my progress, and comparing it to a friend of mine's progress (a girl who is progressing at warp speed) and feeling a bit envious of her. As I often do. And I had to remind myself that I had a few extenuating circumstances that kept me from transitioning at the pace I wanted to as well, and I was considering what I would tell the next person who asked this question on the forum when I finished my business and went out and washed my hands.

So what would I tell a person who can't transition right away for whatever reason? Do what you can. Do everything you can. Pick ALL the low hanging fruit. Do your homework now. Read EVERYTHING you can get your hands on - sort out the trash from the gold and re-read the gold. Learn everything you can about the process, the options, and the risks. Learn about pharmacology. Learn about hair removal. Learn about different surgical techniques. When you are ready and able to proceed - you will know what you want and need.

More important still - PAY ATTENTION to all of the things you will need to adopt when you do transition. Voice, inflection, vocabulary, mannerisms. There are millions of little details that will get you read until you figure them out and change your habits to conform - and no cis-woman can help you with them - because they simply do them and aren't aware of it. Here is a good test - if it is something you would NEVER do as a guy, if it makes you feel sheepish - that is a girl-skill / mannerism / vocabulary word / bit of culture you need to learn to do too.

Do ANYTHING that is non-permanent, or that you wouldn't mind doing any way. Paint your nails. it is a skill. Carry a purse. learn to do your make-up. Start paying attention to fashion - read the magazines - they are CHEEP. Start paying attention to "women's" issues, you want to get read in a room full of women, be the one girl who doesn't know her family history of breast cancer. Grow out your hair. Pick a name. Practice your voice. Get your ears pierced. Manicure your eyebrows. Mind your posture. When you buy new jeans, but girl jeans. When you buy new glasses, get femme ones. Loose some weight. It is never too soon to start on getting rid of your beard. Smile more - WAY MORE - like, all the damn time. Watch women interact with both men, and with other women, both when they are with men, and when they are with other women. Learn the social rules.

Start building your social network of trans girls NOW. Go to the TG support groups. Meet the other girls in your area. Make friends. Be involved. Meet girls from here who are in your area or are moving to your area. Some will be kooks (there are a lot of us who are) some will be amazing - ALL will be inspiring. Learn from your sisters who have trod this road before you, and be prepared to teach those who come after you.

Find at least one girl you trust and respect, and make a pledge to her. PROMISE her, that when you feel suicidal that you will call her before you do anything stupid. Make her promise to pick up the phone when you call, any time day or night, and don't abuse that privilege. Make this pledge to several girls if you can - life does happen and we can't always pick up the phone, and you REALLY NEED to have SOMEONE answer. Because I promise you something - at some point - you will need to make that call - and when you do, you need someone to answer. Wives and girlfriends and family and cis-friends are wonderful, and often very supportive, but you need to be able to call someone who knows exactly how painful it is to be called "sir" when you are wearing a dress.

DO THIS SOON

Have it set up in the good times so that it is there when you need it.

In short - what should you do while you wait? Everything you can. Get your ducks in order, so that when the time comes, and the green light comes on - you won't be fumbling for your car keys.

All of which will be easier - both financially and psychologically and emotionally without kids - but hey - you do what is right for you.

[Jay Cee]

Wow, I'm staggered by the responses here. Lots of thought has gone into them, along with relaying your life experiences. Thank you all. :hug:

I probably didn't explain the situation fully, as I was a bit rushed yesterday. I'm not sure I can fully explain it, but I'll try to give a few pertinent facts.

I should probably have said my SO instead of my gf. We've owned a home together for about two years, and dated a year prior to that. We aren't officially married, but are considered to be common law. We've talked about marriage a few times, but she places a much higher priority on having children, as do I. (Thank you, Sandra, for that interesting tidbit about roommates potentially being considered common-law.)

I spoked with my gf about this many times. She knows that I may transition. She is cool with it, although she openly admitted that she may not be able to live with me if I become a woman ("I'm not gay"). She's open to the idea of co-parenting - and maybe buying a duplex together so that it would be more convenient. She lived in San Francisco for a number of years, and has many gay and trans friends, so she has some understanding of the issues involved.

Will she still think the same later on? I don't know. I know that I love her, and that I would love to be a parent with her. Also, the clock is ticking - she is almost 40, and there are medical concerns regarding her ability to conceive. I can put off transitioning - hell, I'm still not even sure it is what I want or need to do.

Thanks again, everyone. I really do appreciate your honest responses on this.

Jay Cee

[Aprilrain]

If you CAN avoid transition then don't even bother thinking about it. If it is something you NEED then just do it you ain't getting any younger!
Your probably NOT going to figure it all out posting on this forum, you most likely need a gender therapist to work through the mountain of crap that no doubt obscures the truth from fantasy. best wishes to you. : )

[Katesback]

When I was working with trans people (and contained my vocalism) I attended Southern Comfort Conference. One of the workshops put on was titled "coping with the inability to transition". Out of curiosity I went, sat there quietly and observed.

The whole event was seriously depressing. Many sad stories and lots of different depressive perspectives. A recurring theme about "baby steps". The moderator mentioned such ideas as wearing panties or pantyhose under thier male clothing. Needless to say I was glad to get the hell out of that workshop. I suppose the nice thing to say is there are those that do and those that dont. These were the people that dont.

Countless people have gone through transition and that should be evidence enough that anyone can do it if the REALLY want it.
In reality there really is nothing keeping someone from being who they are but themselves. One can make all the excuses in the world for not transitioning but in the end it is thier decision. If they put a higher value on other aspects of thier life then that is fine but again it is the decision they make. As far as the effects on other people. Yep they suck but I can say that your story is no different from the rest of the TS people that came before you.

I personally dont care what someone does. I only care that they make a decision they can live with, go live thier life and stop whining.

[Zenith]

When I was working with trans people (and contained my vocalism) I attended Southern Comfort Conference. One of the workshops put on what titled "coping with the inability to transition". Out of curiosity I went, sat there quietly and observed.

The whole event was seriously depressing. Many sad stories and lots of different depressive perspectives. A recurring theme about "baby steps". The moderator mentioned such ideas as wearing panties or pantyhose under thier male clothing. Needless to say I was glad to get the hell out of that workshop. I suppose the nice thing to say is there are those that do and those that dont. These were the people that dont.

I personally dont care what someone does. I only care that they make a decision they can live with, go live thier life and stop whining.

If you don't like to hear from people you feel to be inferior to yourself, then why do you keep putting yourself in these situations? Seriously, haven't you ever heard about "...there but for the grace of God go I..."

Coping with a difficult situation isn't a solution, but a self-defense mechanism.

[CharleneT]

Interesting thread, with some great answers!

Jay Cee ... I'm going to echo Hope a little here. If either or both of you are thinking that - maybe after transition - your relationship isn't going to be "till death do us part...", then please, please, please, do not have children. You owe those kids a decent shot at a full set of caring parents. I know it can work with one, or pure joint custody etc... but don't start a family unless you are sure that you two are together for life.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I think there is some overjudgement here regarding alternative parenting scenarios. It is not optimal, but there are wonderful people with wonderful children on their own. MANY single women CHOOSE WILLINGLY to adopt of conceive a child.

If you think of it as option A is to bring a precious life into the world, and option b is don't bring a precious life into this world, then i pick option A..
the key person in JayCee's planning right now is her SO...
perhaps her SO wants a baby regardless of what Jaycee does, and perhaps she is fully prepared to raise the child..

although it's true that the transsexual part of it makes it less likely that the relationship will stay together, i simply don't see how it precludes having a 40 year woman from having a child conceived by a person she loves..

[Melody Moore]

We've talked about marriage a few times, but she places a much higher priority on having children, as do I.

...although she openly admitted that she may not be able to live with me if I become a woman ("I'm not gay").
She's open to the idea of co-parenting - and maybe buying a duplex together so that it would be more convenient.

Wow, I honestly don't think you have got your priorities sorted out here. First of all having children is a HUGE responsibility
& you have to have the most stable environment to bring them up. I don't see how you could even still consider having kids
to a woman there is a good chance that you won't be spending the rest of your life with. Hope pointed out that when you
have kids to someone, you are going to be involved with that person for the rest of your life. I also think the idea about
buying a duplex isn't as ideal ask it sounds because if you do spilt up, it could get extremely uncomfortable living so close
to each other. Co-parenting is something parents usually only do if they already have kids & their relationship breaks down.
Raising kids in a broken home or 'co-parenting' agreement is a far from ideal situation, because the ideal situation is that the
parents are still together & they still get along. I have never heard of someone planning to have kids like you are here, not
unless a woman is wanting to fall pregnant for financial gain of getting Parenting Payments from the Australian government.

If you talk to kids raised in 'co-parenting' type situations they will tell you they are not really happy with it &
that they wish their parents were together & they could get on. The kids want to be part of a more normal family.
I should know, because I have kids that have been raised this way & all of them don't like what their mother did
in leaving me & the awkward situation that was created though raising kids though a shared custody arrangement.

[Frances]

I think there is some overjudgement here regarding alternative parenting scenarios.

I agree. I know a wonderful trans-woman/cis-woman couple who conceived two kids while the trans partner was in transition. She has since had SRS and the second kid is on the way. They always wanted it that way. The cis-woman fell in love with her trans partner (not a pre-transition version of the person). They knew they wanted to be together and raise a family as two women with one being the natural father as well. It is a question of all parties being on the same page.

[Melody Moore]

It is a question of all parties being on the same page.
That certainly helps, but how about the kids? What about what they think? Do they necessarily like
being brought up in a co-parenting situation? And the scenario you presented here is of a couple who
were happy to stay together to raise their kids, however Jay Cee has made it clear that her partner
will not stay with her if she transitions. So what works for one couple doesn't mean it will work for
others. This idea is flawed with far more holes than you can find in a block of Swiss cheese. Why
would you take that risk & put a child through a very difficult life because of an ill-conceived decision?

[Frances]

That certainly helps, but how about the kids? What about what they think? Do they necessarily like
being brought up in a co-parenting situation? And the scenario you presented here is of a couple who
were happy to stay together to raise their kids, however Jay Cee has made it clear that her partner
will not stay with her if she transitions. So what works for one couple doesn't mean it will work for
others. This idea is flawed with far more holes than you can find in a block of Swiss cheese. Why
would you take that risk & put a child through a very difficult life because of an ill-conceived decision?

That was kind of my point. I just don't like telling people what to do. I prefer giving exemples from my life and the life of others, and have them draw their own conclusions.

[Areyan]

I agree. I know a wonderful trans-woman/cis-woman couple who conceived two kids while the trans partner was in transition. She has since had SRS and the second kid is on the way. They always wanted it that way. The cis-woman fell in love with her trans partner (not a pre-transition version of the person). They knew they wanted to be together and raise a family as two women with one being the natural father as well. It is a question of all parties being on the same page.

there should be more families like this :thumbsup:

i myself am FTM with a MTF partner... if our situations worked out perfectly i'd be spending the rest of my life with her and i intend to. my children love her as a step parent and we've been together so long it would break their hearts for us to split. i know not all trans situations are ideal and for some time there ours wasn't stable but we got back on track and this is the only relationship i've been in during my adult life that has been anything like a "normal" family. :straightface:

btw, Amykins, you rock sugar :love:

heh, peace all.

[Nicole Erin]

If you have kept up with countless threads about this subject, look at it like this -
Some older TS here always say they wish they had transitioned much sooner, or they are having marriage problems (I am divorced cause of this) and all that. How many new, "I got caught" threads are posted weekly and people say, "You should have not lied" or "you should have came out before marrying" etc...

None of the successful TS here say - "I wish I had got married and had a kid and postponed transition".

Being stuck in a relationship, the burden of having kids, the heartache of having family troubles, you can do that anytime in life but with transition, the earlier you start the better off you will be.

And with women, like GG'sm they might seem cool with things at first but sooner or later they change their minds. So do not count on your G/F or wife being "Accepting" for the rest of the time you are together.

Plus another thing - OK suppose you have a kid and you start transitioning when the kid is young. they WILL get teased about it.

You can hang on to the "relationship" as long as you two need but with having kids, you really might want to think that one over. Having kids is a huge life change, trust me, your life will no longer belong to you.

So the choice is yours -
A) Start transition, own your own life, be able to walk away from some "girlfriend" when things get bad, or
B) Get married/have a kid, be stuck with this person, and be burdened by having a kid when you decide you want your life back

happens all the time - once that kid arrives, people all the sudden find out how hard it is and want to live a life again but by that time it isn't as easy an option.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

My kids don't get teased about it.

I am going with them and some of their friends to the philly pride parade on Sunday. My oldest has become active in lgbt politics in high school as president of the gaystraight alliance.

Nicole pls see dr mcginns story...her SO and the twins are doing great and they are nationally known as wonderful examples of a successful transition..
Certainly some people don't want kids..but they are not a burden to people that want them..They are the meaning of life

[Melody Moore]

OK suppose you have a kid and you start transitioning when the kid is young. they WILL get teased about it.

Thank you Nicole for your rational opinion about having children when you are transsexual.

I have 3 kids & as I said I do love them dearly but they have really complicated my life while also growing up
with personal issues because of the games that other people have played with them. One of my daughters
claims that she was bullied & abused because she was a 'ba5tard' child because her mother didn't live with me.
And if I transitioned, then my kids would have most likely been bullied & victimised because of me as well.

I also know children of gay & lesbian couples are often bullied & abused simply because they have same sex
parents, and if you really love your children are you going to want to really put them through this? I love my
kids & that is why I waited until they were grown up as adults to transition instead of doing it years ago
when I was a single parent. So I can only imagine the additional bullying & abuse my kids would have copped
because of me turning up as a woman to pick them up from school when the kids also knew me as a man. So
everything is not quite as rosy as Kaitlyn & Dr McGinns might make out - not everyone is strong & can cope.

No matter how strong we are in coping, the stigma & discrimination is still very real & it is not fair to expect
our kids to have to go through that type of hell with us as well. So I think we have to think of the kids here.
My kids are fairly dysfunctional & will struggle in life because they were raised in a co-parenting situation. My
eldest daughter already has severe depression issues because her mother took her away from me, but was
never there for her, she was left at home alone as a child. My son dropped out of school after he went back
to live with his mother at the age of 13 because she let him do what he wanted. A year later he was in serious
trouble with the police who are still looking for him now after he fled the state & breached his probation. And
my youngest daughter fell pregnant & had a baby at 15. She has no work experience or skills to speak of &
now relies on the Parenting Payment to survive - what type of example is she going to be setting to her child?

My hope was to raise a happy, healthy & successful family, but it looks like is all I got was a bunch of losers
and I am as much to blame for that as their mother's are. If I was honest about who I was when I was aged
15 and first wanted to transition, then none of this would have happened. The way I see it, some of us were
never meant to have children & I believe that I was one of them. I was born intersexed for a start, then if it
wasn't for surgery at an early age, then I would have most likely ended up sterile & never able to father kids.

But someone tried to play God & interfered with nature & this is what happens when you try to turn someone
into something they are not. Just the way I was raised was not a good example of how to bring up children &
while I have always avoided following in the footsteps of my own parents, I don't believe I am the best parent
in the world, there are many more people out there better at it than me. Kids need to be raised in as normal &
happy stable of an environment as possible, if not then there will more than likely be some issues to deal with.

If I could do things all again with the technology now available, I would do things very differently, I would have
stored sperm, then transitioned while I was still young & then looked for a surrogate mother later & raised the
child completely on my own if having kids & having a family was what I really wanted. The kids at their school
wouldn't have seen me any differently to any other mother & had no reason to tease my child about it.

[Jay Cee]

I thank all of you again for your advice and for sharing your stories. I wasn't looking for it, but obviously I had some doubt, or I wouldn't have given the circumstances of why I am delaying. What you shared gave me information that is needed in making a some very important decisions. :hugs:



So what would I tell a person who can't transition right away for whatever reason? Do what you can. Do everything you can. Pick ALL the low hanging fruit. Do your homework now. Read EVERYTHING you can get your hands on - sort out the trash from the gold and re-read the gold. Learn everything you can about the process, the options, and the risks. Learn about pharmacology. Learn about hair removal. Learn about different surgical techniques. When you are ready and able to proceed - you will know what you want and need.

More important still - PAY ATTENTION to all of the things you will need to adopt when you do transition. Voice, inflection, vocabulary, mannerisms. There are millions of little details that will get you read until you figure them out and change your habits to conform - and no cis-woman can help you with them - because they simply do them and aren't aware of it. Here is a good test - if it is something you would NEVER do as a guy, if it makes you feel sheepish - that is a girl-skill / mannerism / vocabulary word / bit of culture you need to learn to do too.

Do ANYTHING that is non-permanent, or that you wouldn't mind doing any way. Paint your nails. it is a skill. Carry a purse. learn to do your make-up. Start paying attention to fashion - read the magazines - they are CHEEP. Start paying attention to "women's" issues, you want to get read in a room full of women, be the one girl who doesn't know her family history of breast cancer. Grow out your hair. Pick a name. Practice your voice. Get your ears pierced. Manicure your eyebrows. Mind your posture. When you buy new jeans, but girl jeans. When you buy new glasses, get femme ones. Loose some weight. It is never too soon to start on getting rid of your beard. Smile more - WAY MORE - like, all the damn time. Watch women interact with both men, and with other women, both when they are with men, and when they are with other women. Learn the social rules.

Start building your social network of trans girls NOW. Go to the TG support groups. Meet the other girls in your area. Make friends. Be involved. Meet girls from here who are in your area or are moving to your area. Some will be kooks (there are a lot of us who are) some will be amazing - ALL will be inspiring. Learn from your sisters who have trod this road before you, and be prepared to teach those who come after you.

Find at least one girl you trust and respect, and make a pledge to her. PROMISE her, that when you feel suicidal that you will call her before you do anything stupid. Make her promise to pick up the phone when you call, any time day or night, and don't abuse that privilege. Make this pledge to several girls if you can - life does happen and we can't always pick up the phone, and you REALLY NEED to have SOMEONE answer. Because I promise you something - at some point - you will need to make that call - and when you do, you need someone to answer. Wives and girlfriends and family and cis-friends are wonderful, and often very supportive, but you need to be able to call someone who knows exactly how painful it is to be called "sir" when you are wearing a dress.

DO THIS SOON

Have it set up in the good times so that it is there when you need it.

This was the kind of information I was originally looking for. Thank you, Hope. I have taken some of the steps you have mentioned - ear piercing, women's jeans, manicuring the eyebrows, etc, etc. I'd love to grow my hair out, but that clear patch near the top might make that a futile gesture, and somehow a combover wouldn't seem right :). I still have a long way to go, obviously. I'll mention some of that in another thread, I suppose.

I'm attending a TG support group meeting shortly, and am very much looking forward to it. Like you said, while the SO maybe supportive, she cannot really understand what someone who is TG is going through. I really do need people to talk to, and get advice from, and who knows... maybe even go shopping with. Even with all the support here on the forum (and I so very much appreciate it), this is a very lonely road to travel, as everyone here knows all too well. :sad:

Thanks again.

Jay Cee

[Hope]

My kids don't get teased about it.

O Rly?

Because I quite clearly remember you busting my chops over the following:


don't forget though that kids..especially teens are incredibly selfish and totally self serving....having a trans parent causes issues no matter how supportive families are...acceptance in the general world is still marginal for us..and this will impact your children more and more as they grow up..and they may end up feeling differently than when they are 5, 8, or even 12 yrs old...

And


... our relationship hasn't wavered...it's just strained recently.hehe...and it's more around my girls wanting things they can't have because of me... ...

It's great for kids to have a friend that sees a trans parent and "gets it"..the downside is (and this is what i was saying) ...now my youngest is in 8th grade and she is desperate that no one else know...and it's stressing her out...her friends that do know are now "a risk"

O_o ?

[Melody Moore]

I'd love to grow my hair out, but that clear patch near the top might make that a futile gesture, and somehow a combover wouldn't seem right :).
Jay Cee, you could be taking Finasteride (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Finasteride) to help with that problem. ;)

[Kaitlyn Michele]

O Rly?

Because I quite clearly remember you busting my chops over the following:



And



O_o ?

touche.... hehe :o
i think you caught me oscillating between bad and good days with my kids...

my kids dont get teased, but they are afraid of getting teased.... we have to work, however, at how and who we disclose to, and i don't attend my kids events that i'm very sad that i miss...

and btw..if you make the decision to whether or not to have kids because you are afraid of them getting teased..then you better not be obese, or handicapped, or the wrong race or religion for you area, or have a name that rhymes with fart..

the bottom line i am saying is that transitioning doesnt preclude having kids...kids are incredibly challenging and incredibly rewarding at the same time....it's a personal choice, and to say DONT HAVE KIDS!! with exclamation points means that you are saying don't bring a life into this world which i think leaves out alot of whats wonderful about life...